Temptation…

I’ve been out a few times with my mates here. Some are non-drinkers and some are drinkers. I’m a non-drinker but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as everyone is having a good time and not getting into too much trouble!!

Obviously there are many beautiful women here. It’s kinda a strange feeling. I don’t want to not attract women but I don’t want to set myself out on some unapproachable man-island either. 

We were at a restaurant. There were a group of ladies sitting across from us. In this country it can be difficult to see western women, especially showing any skin. This one particular lady was attractive. She was a buxom lass but had a very pretty face. I like buxom. Well, not too buxom. Anway, the temptation was hard to resist. As in “flirt or not to flirt”. I didn’t but it was still very, very tempting.

I continued my evening with my mates. We went to a few places with some scantly clad ladies. One of my mates tried to hook me up with a prostitute…very awkward… fortunately for me there was a huge language barrier. 

Temptation can be difficult to handle. When you have the right motivation though it’s so much easier. I have constant reminders of what I am trying to do. Things that I couldn’t do when I was with A. It still makes me sad to think about that. Just because my ‘coupleness” is on hold, it dosen’t mean I can’t still have a good time with my mates. Good times.

Don’t get tempted my temptation really. Just say no…or run away and hide if you can’t!!

Crazy, Stupid, Love

Had no idea about the premise of this film. I really enjoyed it. Apt title. And perfect for my situation too.

I gave up on M (mother of my children). I couldn’t be bothered trying to safe our relationship. I choose the easiest way out. Hook up with someone else. I kept it secret from her. When she finally found out I had cheated on her with another person too. I’m not proud of it, but if you’ve seen this movie it makes a bit of sense Also if you’ve read most of my blog it makes sense too.

I truly absolutely believe we can’t choose who we fall in love with. We can’t anticipate where our hearts may lead us. M still has my heart…and what makes things harder for me is that A has the other part of my heart. That’s what makes  love so crazy.

M will always be a part of my life, that’s a given with the connection we have as a mother and father. There are certainly times when I think about M, like in the film and my post about reminiscing too. And A is right there in my mind too. With M I cheated on her MANY times and yet she still didn’t want to let me go. A cheated on me only once and I let her go just like that. It just made sense for me to let her go right then. And yet I would still consider re-starting a relationship with either of them. That’s what makes love so stupid.

If we are talking big picture stuff I love to love and I love to be loved. That’s a huge part of my nature. The film talks about soulmates and how you can’t give up on them. It took a really long time for me to give up on M. Like the film we met when I was 17 and she was 16. M was always there for me, just like A was too. Both M and A treated me better than any girlfriend could. I couldn’t keep up my end of the relationship. I should’ve, but I didn’t.

Unlike the film, there was no Grand Gesture. No big public speech in front of friends and family. Just tears, heartbreak and sadness…and anger…but mostly sadness.

Here’s what I know. Going out and meeting women is easy for me, I’m not saying that in a dickhead kind of way, but it always has been easy. What’s changed for me now is that I am more aware of NOT ‘teasing’ women making them think that I am genuinely interested in them. I am friendly and polite but the instant I sense they think there is more…I politely backout. I don’t want to waste their time or mine either. Life is short, There are plenty of fish in the sea, time does heal all wounds…all true. Like I said to one of my mates “I’ve never been a fisherman, but if I’m walking along the beach and a fish jumps out I’ll be more than happy to try it out”. Great film with a protracted and predictable ending.nothing like the real world sadly…

Reminiscing

Very, very, very dangerous place to be in…

It’s easy to start reminiscing about the “good old days” of being in a relationship with someone. I too often wonder why people think so much about their ex. Especially when their ex has left them for someone else. But we all know that EVERYONE has their own unique situation.

I have been reminiscing about all the good tinmes I had with A and also with M.I guess because they are the two longest and strongest relationships I have had in my life time.

I have thought about how things may have been different with M and I. I have thought how happy our daughters would be having both their mum and dad together again. But, then I remind myself why we finally separated in the first place. We both loved each other very, very much. But our marriage clocks just never seemed to be synced. It seems to be the same as A and I. We both often spoke about whether things may have been different between us if we were the same age and had met up earlier in our lifes. Again, just bad timing.

“If it’s ment to be it’s ment to be”, a very cliche line of course but apt none the less. For my situation I feel. We are all masters of our own destiny I believe, and we are also guided by the blessings of God. Not everyone believes this, that’s what makes the world so special. I have many friends and family that aren’t religious in any way. I don’t plan to connivence them other wise. I am happy how life is panning out for me now. Besides not having my daughters with me life here is good.

Reminiscing can make you feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s a strange feeling. I still think about many of my past relationships and I do wonder where each one of them has ended up. I’m not sure if we ever truly lose those connections with others? I guess we do if we really want to.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing, but can’t dwell on the past for too long right?

Lonely Times…

Don’t worry I’m not sitting in my room covering myself in a blanket of self-pity!

But, as some may know, It gets pretty lonely sometimes. I have plenty of wonderful new friends here and can see them whenever I feel like it. But you know it’s not the same kind of relationship that I’m feeling lonely for.

Waking up next to someone is such a wonderful feeling. Being able to turn over and look into the eyes of someone that loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you is such a great feeling! I miss this like crazy! I think that’s why I have a plethora of pillows in my bed.

It has been almost 7 months since my breakup with A. I have to admit, the last few months have gone rather fast. Those strong emotional feelings are still around, they are just more manageable. Random events set them off too. It’s hard not to think about her. I told BB, a great new friend here that this has got to be the longest time in my life (post High School) that I have been single. As I’ve mentioned before I have openly admitted that I am a serial-monogamist. I guess that’s why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

I spend a lot of my time with married couples here. It is wonderful to see their own relationships and the dynamics that come with being partners and parents. It makes me miss my daughters. I talk to my daughters at least once a week, which is wonderful. Just seeing them and hearing them reminds me of my decision to come here. They deserve to have the best father in the world. I was a good dad, but I need to be better. In my relationship with A, I was not a good role model for my daughters. But I will be. I’d like to think I am 70% of the way there. This makes complete sense to me as apparently “they” say that women are most likely to choose a partner that is just like their father (or mother, depending on your sexuality of guess). So, If I want them to choose someone kind, generous, caring, funny and a wonderful person, I need to sort my life out asap. Which I feel I am doing.

Life dosen’t give us many second chances. So you have to create that second chance. If being lonely is part of that, then so be it. Everyone makes sacrifices to achieve their own goals. Is mine more Nobel than others? Maybe. To be honest, I don’t care what others think. All I know is that I never want to be the person I was again. And I am going to make sure that my beautiful daughters will have at least ONE very, very positive male role model in their life. Regardless of where I am in this world, they will know this.

Lonely Times…Only for a while.

Keeping Connected

Spent sometime today emailing whanau and friends. In particular those people who were there for me in my time of need. Nothing too long winded which is strange for me…just a simple hey, hope your well, thanks for your support.

Keeping connected.

It’s something that I have been working on. Making sure that those people I love and respect are actually reminded exactly how I feel for them. Too often I forget about taking care of these relationships. I know that I’ve been better at keeping connected now.

Hardwork? Of course it is. An important lesson everyone learns (well should’ve by now) is that something that takes a lot of work is most definitely worth it!!And the people that have helped me are more than worth it.

All I have ever wanted from people is their love and respect. And that’s exactly what I give in return. I have learnt to disconnect from those who can’t reciprocate. It’s amazing how many of these people are around too. I’ve gotten better at spotting them earlier now.

I let my connection with A drift, I stopped working on it and let it get away. That’s obvious. I’m a little wiser now. Having an interesting time practicing my connection techniques over here. Working well so far.

So, just keep connected with you family and friends too. You’ll thank me for it.

Not much to add really…

Things have been good. Not really, really good. But good. Hence the mis-blog or no-blog last week. Been so busy with my new job and living in a new country it’s been easy to get distracted.

I always think back to my mates words “Don’t let your blog become a chore”. So I haven’t. I’ve thought seriously about what I need to say. This blog has definitely been a huge help in healing my heart. But it’s not over yet. I still have another 18 months to go. Yip, that’s right, for those that have been following me from the beginning it’s now just over 6 months!

I still think about A. Wondering how she is and whether she still thinks about me too. I still think about all the things I have been through over this time too. I have learnt so much about myself and people around me. I am hoping that all this “new” knowledge is going to help me achieve my goals of emotional and financial stability. Praying too.

I can promise you this. I have been keeping to my righteous path and it has been paying dividends. Each time it feels like my faith is tested I give myself a friendly reminder. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than others and I’m definitely not judging others by their actions. I know I can’t change others around me. So I don’t try. As my good friend AS said “You do you and I’ll do me”. Simple statement (and funny) but so true.

I know that my actions and my words can easily influence people around me, without directing any of this towards them. It is in the subtlety of these two things that I can help others. Not much to add really.

Man. It still hurts…

Just had a conversation with my mate back home. He mentioned something that basically told me that A is now living and working in another country. And if you’ve been following my blog you know that the guy she is obviously now with is in that same country.

It actually made me feel, for lack of a better word, sick. All the feelings of betrayal came rushing back. It’s not a nice feeling to have. Again, I don’t blame my mate at all. Something obviously made him want to tell me. He won’t agree, but I’m gonna say God. The faith that I have now only gives me this explanation. Why you may ask? I’d been feeling ‘things’ over the past few weeks since it was A’s graduation and birthday recently. So, there had to be a climax, so to speak to all these feelings. That came today.

I feel it’s just a timely reminder for me and the journey that I am STILL on.

It still hurts me.

It hurts me to think that A has a new life with someone else.

Sharing new experiences. Without me.

That’s just my selfishness coming out of course. And I’ve written more than enough about this in previous posts.

It would be easy to move on to someone else. But it wouldn’t be fair on them or me. Obviously in a country like the one I’m in there are many, many options. There is no denying that. Often people just need to fill their heart up again. A stop-gap for the heartache.

Maybe God knows how much love I do have for A. And he doesn’t want me to forget the pain that I helped create with this situation. I still look at my Ta Moko to help me focus on what kind fo person I want to become. But hearing what’s actually happening hits home even harder. It honestly just reminds me of how much pain and anguish I put A through.

I said to my mate that I wasn’t surprised she moved to a new country. She really had no choice. There would be no way of her not bumping into one of my friends or family back home if she stayed. And when you are the one that “did wrong” you don’t want to be constantly reminded of it. Escaping to a new country, like I have, is really the best option. And it just so happened that her new partner is there too. Very convenient. She’s a smart and intelligent young lady. She would’ve been able to plan this out quiet easily really.

It’s tough when you still love someone so much.

What I’ve learnt over the past few months though is to remain patient. Keep working on being a better person and not forget what has led me to where I am now. Not just geographically but also emotionally. I have had a lot of growth regardless of the feelings that I have inside me now.

I do often wonder how couples can get back together with each other after something like this happens. I’ve had the privilege of talking to many different couples and some have shared this experience with me. They have broken up for a while, sometimes years, but have eventually gotten back together. Very strange. I does make me wonder if I could get back with A if she came looking for me. I’m not sure? Like i’ve said previously I’m still on this two-year journey at the moment. Just trying to work through this new obstacle with my head up and my heart pounding…not as normal as it usually does. Man. It still hurts.

Selfish or Ignorant?

These terms aren’t new. I have thought about these often. I relate them more so to most individuals I know. And me too. I fully admit that I can be selfish, being a little older now I don’t have the luxury of using ignorance as an excuse for my selfishness. It is during my time here in the UAE that I have noticed these terms coming up more often.

Everyone who has travelled here for work have different reasons. Financial, Emotional some don’t have any other choice. What ever the reason people seem to come with a certain degree of ‘expectations’. I have noticed that some seem to think that they are ‘owed’ things by the company that has hired us. Luxurious accommodation,  the best position in the company, etc, etc. For the life of me I can’t understand this at all. I have not idea in our contracts where it states this at all!

For me it’s definitely a mixture of Selfishness and Ignorance. Thinking about themselves and ignoring everything and everyone else. They don’t seem to take the time to sit back and think about their actions and /or the ramifications of their actions. I refuse to believe that ALL people of a certain country, that will go unnamed, are self-centered, egotistical, dickheads. But there seems to be a large percentage here at the moment. I guess it’s easier to notice as the large majority of people here working for our company are from this particular country.

I understand completely that your responsibility should be towards your own health and well-being and that of your family and friends. Most likely in that order too. But does it have to be at the expense of others? In my opinion it doesn’t. Some people are just used to being aggressive to get their own way. That has never been my style. Yes, it has been said to me before that I am too soft. And, yes I would tend to agree. But, I have always ‘stood up’ for myself and others when I have deemed them important enough to do so. But again that is my relaxed nature. Some people are always ‘tense’, always ready to switch from ‘normal’ to ‘abnormal’ at the drop of  the preverbial hat. I’m sure we could go into depth about the whole nurture and nature debate, which me and my mate BB discussed recently. It was a good discussion. We agreed that some people are just ‘born that way’. Can’t argue with genetics. Then others behavior is learnt. We both used the example of our eldest children. The idea of disciplining your children from an early age which will help develop them into positive teenagers. This is reflected in my daughter M1. She is almost 16, but only rarely flashes her teenage angst that she is meant to have now. True she lives with her mum so I don’t get the full brunt of any ‘attitude’ she may have, but I have only every seen my daughter through a tantrum when she was 3-4years old. That was the last time. And the reason for this, I believe, was me dragging her through the mall we were in all the way home, putting her in her room, telling her off too and leaving her to ‘think about it’. Now to be honest I don’t think she fully understood what was wrong, but the fear that was created by me raising my voice at her was enough to ‘fear me’. I know that some people would be asking ‘why would you want your children to fear you?”. Good question. Here’s my thoughts behind that. I have rarely had to discipline my daughters (again the fact that they live with their mum adds to this) and so I am rarely angry or aggressive around them. So when they DO see me get angry or upset with them, they both know that it is serious and whatever they were doing needs to stop. My eldest daughter is still brought to tears if she knows her mum is going to tell me about some type of misbehavior. It’s a strange feeling knowing that your children love you but at the same time can fear you. It’s not a feeling I enjoy. But it is good to know that if there was some type of imminent threat to them that my voice alone would make them listen and react possibly saving their lives or the lives of others. That’s my reason behind the fear.

Slight digression, but I think you can see where I’m coming from. I guess this does cross over into my blog about the master and the slave in some sense. I would often treat A like this. Reprimanding her like a child if she didn’t do what I thought was the right way to do things, etc, etc. You can re-read my past posts to see all that.

Selfish or Ignorant, maybe a mixture of both. I guess it depends on who you are and where your from. Hopefully not from this one particular country…Jokes, two of my best friends here are from there…such a cliché comment.

Patience is more than a virtue…

For many years I have prided myself on being a very patient and caring person. This is how I expect others to treat me too. Sadly this is not always the case.

Sometimes It feels like certain people take advantage of my kind nature. The funny thing is I let people take advantage of my nature. For one simple reason. It’s a test. If these people don’t repay the kindness that I share with them, not necessarily towards me, then those people won’t see much of me again.

I am a very trusting person. When I first meet people I like to see the best in them. I like to be open and honest with them from the beginning and often give them the benefit of the doubt on certain behaviours that I usually frown upon. It is definitely not about me “judging” them. It’s more to do with seeing what people are ‘really’ like. As we all know everyone uses ‘masks’ to hide what they are really like. It just depends on what situation they are placed in before we actually get to see the ‘real’ them.

Once they have revelled themselves I am able to make a better decision on whether or not I want to continue a friendship with them. This has happened often in the past few weeks here. People whom I thought were ‘nice’ people ended up being (for lack of a better word) dickheads! Not only in things they said but in things they did, towards myself and others. There is only so far my patience can be tested. And I have learnt quickly to not invest too much time in these types of friendships.

A was someone whom I needed to invest more time in. She was someone I needed to show more patience with. That’s what you do with someone you love. That’s obvious. My situation is not isolated or unique. But it has taught me to do things BETTER than I use to do. To show patience and understanding to everyone, except for those dickheads. I’ve realised that I must make sure to surround myself with people who will not drain me of my own ‘energy’. I like my generous nature. But I don’t have to waste it on them.

So, patience is a virtue and something that I need to keep focussed on and spend it on good people. There are plenty of them around. I’ve even managed to have found some here…not many though!

Broken Promises

I have tried to keep my word. Truly I have. But I have broken promises. In particular I have broken my promise to blog at least 3 times a week. I have stated before that this was going to be a huge challenge for me. In the past few weeks it has. My new life here in the middle east has taken over. There have been many chores to do and many more people to help.

Of course I feel bad about breaking my promises. But in my heart I know that there has been a reason for not posting. The hearbreak of losing A had been slipping away gradually. Each day I had been feeling better and not thinking about her as much. Which of course was positive and just proved to me that coming here was the best decision I’d made. As I haven’t been posting these feelings came rushing back. I think It had something to do with the fact it was her birthday this week AND it was her graduation. The more I thought about this the more the old feelings came flowing back…it was tough. Well it still is tough right now.

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is very nice. I crashed out on my new couch and had a dream about A. I haven’t had a dream about her since we broke up. It was a very sad yet vivid dream too. I was in my bed at home tossing and turning in my sleep calling out her name. It woke me from my real sleep. My heart hurt. I still miss her very much. I still wonder what she is doing and how she is. But I try not too as it just brings back those heart pains.

God has been very, very good to me during my time here. He has introduced me to some wonderful people and has made me challenge myself on a personal level, forcing me to do things that I wouldn’t usually do (nothing illegal or anything against my morals either). My patience has been severally tested here by various situations and people. I think these heart pains are just him reminding me about what I need to keep doing to receive such good will.

So, I’m going to take my friend’s advice, that’s you AB and go back to blogging once a week. This is not meant to be a chore or something I hate doing. It is meant to help me. Help me become a better person. Help me heal and even help me heal others form their own pain and demons. Almost six months gone even with the broken promises.