And, life goes on…

That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

Untitled

For the first time, in a long time I’ve run out of words. 

I don’t know what else to say without it seeming…forced.

I’ve been avoiding my blog for this very reason. My lack of words prevented me from logging on.

But I know how much this blog has helped me in my journey. Along with everything and everyone else. 

I still have 5 months left on my journey. Time has gone fast, I have to admit.

I have also managed to meet someone too. Nice girl. Nothing serious. But still it’s been nice to have someone to distract me from the odd mundane times. It’s been good to see how far I’ve come too. I haven’t had the opportunity to see how I would interact with someone whom I am potentially interested in. I feel things went well, there were certainly times when it was hard for me to resist the old me. But that’s not surprising.

Life has been good to me. So I just keep the faith in God and the path that I have chosen and created for myself. It’s really not that difficult. Well, not anymore.

Nightmares

Over the past month I have had a couple of dreams that have included A. For most parts they have been nice. Nothing crazy Just normal. Last night that changed.

I had a very vivid nightmare. A and I were ‘hooking’ up at my parents whare. My parents came into the room and, like in many dreams, I couldn’t understand their words but could tell from there body language they weren’t happy with the situation.

It then quickly switched to my parents chasing done intruder outside our house. It was dark and I couldn’t tell where they were or who they were chasing. I had a terrible feeling if fear.

I was semi-conscious physically shaking and sweating. It was ver upsetting for me. Very vivid. I had a strong urge to call my parents, but decided to let sleep try and heal this feeling. It worked.

I’m home sick today. Whether that had anything to do with my nightmare I’m not sure. I’m always trying to analyse dreams like this. Especially when they are do vivid. I’m not sure what it could mean.

I know that even after all this time I still miss A. I still love her. But I still live M too. I think I just have to accept that they will always be part of me forever. Possibly. Maybe.

God had helped keep me focused. My friends here and at home have been a great support too.

Only 6 months left on this 2 year journey. It’s gone surprisingly fast!

When I was your man

Love Bruno Mars. Great songs. This song has been getting a lot of Air/TV Play. Finally spent some time listening to the lyrics. Perfect for my personal situation and the way I’ve been feeling too.

I should’ve, could’ve. would’ve.

Won’t happen again.

Thoughts

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

Mr. Fix It

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her”

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

Love, loneliness…and everything in between

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

Pendulum

Returned to work. Leaving my home country was very difficult this time round. Been a long week of constant home sickness and surprise, surprise still thinking about A too. 

Xmas and New Years time seems to bring out all these emotions. That’s obvious. So no real surprise about the way I’ve been feeling recently.

It has been an extremely lonely week this week. First time I’ve felt this way overseas for a very longtime. Hence the pendulum. Pendulum of emotions.

It’s been affecting people all around me too. We all seem to be paying for our Xmas/New Years cheer. Emotionally and financially!!

Met a lovely girl on the flight back here. We got on really well. Things could’ve possibly continued…but had to remain focussed on my journey…VERY difficult though! Walked away from that situation, but man it was very HARD to do that…felt my old habits creeping back in again…I know it’s natural for me to be this way, but I want to make sure that I don’t hurt anyone anymore…especially someone from the opposite sex.

The pendulum swings and so do more emotions. I prefer the times when it stops. I know things will get back to normal in a few more weeks…My faith has helped me through much of this…along with some wonderful friends.

Lost – Stuck – Confused

Could’ve easily added more descriptives…but I think these words are perfect for how I am feeling right now. 

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything. As I’ve said previously I didn’t want to make this blog a chore. I wanted it to be something I would enjoy using. Hence the long wait between each post.

I’ve been back home now for over two weeks. Instead of feeling a great sense of “relief” (which I did have for a few days) I’ve been feeling the complete opposite. Sadly, this has developed from the now ‘strained’ relationship between the mother of my daughters and I. Long story short. She thinks I’m rolling in cash in my new job overseas. I do earn good money but not the Millions that she is assuming I earn. We have always tried to keep things amicable between us especially for our daughters. The only time we’ve ever had issues has been with money.

If you’ve read through my blog you’ll know the whole background story with our relationship. 10 years together, the last few were not so good, mostly my bad too, ended our relationship 6 years ago…and now, as my ex would put it, she is making me pay for my transgressions. The money has become an even bigger issue as 3 months ago she decided to resign from her job (good job too) because she was having issues with another female staff member (side note: she left her last job for the same reason…see a pattern here). NOW, don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful mother and loves the girls to pieces…as do I. BUT, now she has decided, because I won’t meet her monetary requirements, that spending time with my daughters will be “restricted”. To set things straight. I already pay her child support (we have had a mutual agreement) and have helped pay for other bills for the girls here and there. With all this I have never been guaranteed access…well, we had said that I would get the girls on the weekends…but what ever plans my ex has takes priority…I have no say in educational decisions or anything else for that matter…All I am expected to do is help pay for everything, without question. This is how it has been for the past 6 years. I accepted this as I wanted to keep my relationship with the girls strong.

This has now obviously changed. My ex knows that I am only home for a short time and won’t be back for over a year. She has decided to block plans for me to meet up with the girls overseas somewhere next year. Apparently now I don’t deserve any kind of credit for being the girls dad.

Look, I’m not saying I’m now or have been the BEST dad in the world. BUT, I know that I have worked damn hard to be a strong. positive role model for my daughters…I feel that my ex is still punishing me for being such an A-Hole when we were together…and I don’t see any end to that soon…

Feeling; Lost, Stuck and Confused has been created by all of this happening. One side of me wants to go ballistic at her, and I’ve felt that building up inside me over the past week or so…BUT the other side of me reminds me of the journey I am on…”remembering the past, working on those past mistakes to build a better future, for not only me but my daughters too”…trying…I just don’t know what to do. I feel like running back to the UAE, but I feel that’s what my ex wants. She has a partner and he is good to my girls, which makes me happy. But I can already see that my ex is trying to replace me…she already made sure that any activity he has organized with the girls takes priority above anything that I may have wanted to do or planned to do…I feel like she is trying to wipe me out of the girl’s life. Maybe.

I just hate all this bullcrap. Sometimes I think I should’ve just stayed with her and been miserable…sometimes I think that would’ve been stupid. I just wish that she could let go of the bitterness she has towards me…but she can’t and I don’t think she ever will…she wants to see me unhappy, she wants to see me in pain, like the pain I put her though near the end of our relationship. Maybe. Probably.

And even though this has all happened. I still love her. She is the mother of my children. She is a wonderful mother. She WAS a wonderful partner. I wasn’t. I know that. I’ve tried to redeem myself for my past with her. Nothing I can say or do will ever erase this past. Lost. Stuck. Confused.