Archive for November, 2011

Family and Friends

Posted: November 27, 2011 in Uncategorized
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When you’re heart is hurting and the pain of loneliness gets too much, who can you reach out too? Most people would answer; Family and Friends right? Well it makes sense to me. And as Al Turtle says, “All people make sense, All the time”. Basically this means, loosely, What you think is a stupid decision is not a stupid decision to them. You don’t know what’s going through their mind and you don’t know what they are actually processing. This makes LOTS of sense to me!

So my family and my friends have been an integral part to my healing process. Without them I couldn’t honestly say where I would be now, post BU now, 5 weeks on.

Yesterday I had one of those ‘lonely’ days. The kind of day where you just wanted to go home and cuddle up with the one you love. Where you just wanted to be able to talk to someone and really enjoy their company. Have them talk to you about their day and just chill. Then you remember that you can’t do that anymore cause that person is no longer there. That’s what I felt yesterday. It was an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Terrible feeling to have. Felt very claustrophobic. A feeling that I found hard to escape from.

DC and EAC had invited me around for a thanksgiving weekend. They had been ‘encouraging’ me during the week to come over and see them. I was keen to come, but way to poor to head over to their place. They had even offered to come pick me up and/or pay for my petrol. True friends, which I now know I actually have many of. I turned down their offer, mostly through pride. I also found it hard to go see them because the last time we did hangout was for DC’s birthday earlier in the year…with A. Too many memories.

I eventually decided to head over. My daughters, whom I usually spend time with on the weekends, were going to be busy on Sat so I had no reason to sit around home. Pride was stopping me again, but then my parents stepped in. They could see I was struggling with my loneliness feeling and offered to give me petrol money. I love my parents. I headed over to DC’s and EAC’s whare. It was good to drive for a while. I could see in my parents eyes as I drove off that they were VERY concerned about me, they have only ever see me once before this emotionally upset. That’s what being a parent is. That’s why I KNOW that I am very blessed to have such caring parents. Even though I don’t show them as much appreciation as I should do. That’s one thing I have been working 0n over the past few weeks. It is hard. I have to consciously remind myself to tell my parents “I love you” every day, and actually mean it. I have to remind myself to share my day and my thoughts with my parents as much as I can. I am trying to open up to them everyday. Everyday.

Coming to DC’s and EAC’s for the weekend has been great for me. For whatever reason these loneliness pains have been very strong. I met people last night who I strangely had a few connections with. Friends of Friends and even Friends of my whanau. Small world. We had great conversations and some wonderful food too. This weekend has been the most I have eaten in the past 5 weeks. We joked (well me really) about how being stressed in this kind of situation speeds up your metabolism (over-active thyroid) so losing weight has not been a problem for the past few weeks. This stress burns through food like crazy!! Not the best way to lose weight, but definitely an easy way to eat what you want and know your not going to get fat!

It was a thanksgiving meal. EAC is American so it was her clever idea to celebrate Thanksgiving. Good idea. It is a time to reflect on the year that has gone and pay thanks to all the good things that have happened to you. There are things that I am not thankful for BUT there have been MANY things in the past  few weeks that I want to say thanks for. Friends. From the beginning of this ‘ordeal’ I have had the full support of ALL my friends close and distant. It has been funny to see who has been there for me and who has been too busy to care. Fortunately, most people have been great. So to all those who have been there, THANK YOU!! I’ll know you’ll all be there for me, even when I’m on the other side of the world. (Posted this a day late…my bad)

Love to my whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed.

The Master and the Slave

Posted: November 22, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I am sure there are many out there that can relate to this title. It refers to your positioning in your relationship/s. One is the Master and the other is the Slave. It seems obvious to me where I was placed in my relationship with A. The Master is the one who controls EVERYTHING in the relationship. They make all the decisions. The Slave has little or no input into these decisions.

Sure there were sometimes, not many, where I would let A decide what to do, but it was usually to do with simple things like what we were going to have for dinner or maybe what movie we would watch (even though it would mostly be my decision for movies). They were usually very trivial decisions that I didn’t really care about. BUT, I would get really upset if she wouldn’t make up her mind about these simple things. Then my ‘Master Talk’ would come back into play again.

There of course was a very simple and structured punishment system. Al turtle puts this in perspective;

1. Push Downward – Making your Slave feel even more worthless. Put downs, ridicule, shaming, etc. eg; “What a stupid thing to say!”, “Man you dumb”. You get the picture.

2. Push Outward – threatening your Slave that you will leave them or cut them off from you if they don’t do what they are told.

These are definitely two things I use with A. I can easily think of many times I used these to get my way.

There are two ways that the Slave attempts to react or take some control back;

1. Silence – They know not to share their view without retribution so keep quiet. Not healthy at all as this creates resentment towards the Master. Well even more resentment.

2. Argue – The Slave will try to argue their point but in most cases will get squashed by the Master. Again just adding to the resentment.

If you recognise this behaviour, which I am sure you all do, what can be done? Well Al discuss the FRIEND-FRIEND scenario. We don’t see it often in a relationship, mainly because it’s very hard to maintain.

This type of relationship is difficult as it is almost run like a democracy. Both parties have to agree or find some common ground on decision they make. This is obviously more time-consuming than the Master/Slave relationship as only one person is making all the decisions. Sometimes M/S can be okay eg; best route to take in a city the Master is familiar with (lame but only example I could think of!). F/F is less ‘efficient’ but is more positive than M/S. Eventually you will both get better at deciding on everything and shortening the decision time down. Patience is the key for the F/F relationship to work out well.

I look back at my relationship with A and realise there were SOME times where we were in a F/F relationship. Times where we both felt safe and comfortable with each other and were able to say things that might usually upset us both. There weren’t many, as I hated any kind of conflict so would often shut down to avoid this, but we did have a few.

Need to write a new entry now just had some other thoughts that wouldn’t really fit into this particular blog. Hope this talk about Master and the Slave has opened your eyes and maybe helped you take a long hard look at your relationship and how you can improve it!

Week 1 DOWN!

Posted: November 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

Well keeping myself single has been EASY!!!

The hard part has been getting over A!! If you read through my past blogs that’s really easy to see.

I’ve seen plenty of good-looking females during the week. But not once did I ever feel tempted to go and talk to them. Or try to spark up a conversation. I still manage to get friendly smiles from random ladies (of all ages) while walking around the local lake. That feels nice. I seem to have a friendly face and I think sometimes I’m smiling and I don’t even know it.

Still getting lots of heart pains and anxiety attacks here and there. Music, writing and typing thoughts down seem to help these times drift away. seriously need to get me a tablet or something so I can write while im not at home. Had to use some paper today just to get things clear in my mind, felt so 18th century using a pen and paper!

Had a great conversation with one of my lifetime best mates AU. AU has had some sound advice for me over the past few years. He has been a great friend to me for almost 25 years of my life. 25 years. You don’t find many people who have a friend for that long. He shared his concerns for me over leaving the country for work. Especially leaving my daughters. Tried to make him understand where I am mentally and emotionally. He understood but was still adament about reminding me of my responsibilities as a Dad. Was really cool to hear him say this. He knows how much I love my girls and how much they mean to me. But this situation with A has REALLY, really, really done a number on me. I am confident that I could find someone else, easily and quickly, but again, what will that proof? That I’m cool and someone thinks I’m awesome? Hahaha, I don’t need to be reminded of that by getting another gf. This journey I am on now will truly show me how cool I can really be!

I had the chance last night to catch up with DC, another very close friend who has been helping me heal through this time. We chatted about his past relationship and how he managed to move on and heal. I had heard parts of this before BUT it always manages to make me feel ‘clearer’ about the choices I have been making. I told him again that I’d been struggling. He just listened and nodded. That’s all anyone really needs when they are hurting. Someone to listen and acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. We spoke about my impending flight overseas to work. He too offered some great advice. We spoke about the sister of his good friend (well a good friend of both of ours) and how she was going through a hard time too. He said she had read my blog and it had helped her a little. I text our friend tonight and said I would happy to chat with her about ‘things’. I have found the more people you tell the better you start feeling. I have told so many people. Especially through this blog.

By now A is most likely all cuddled up with her new man overseas. My gut feeling tells me this. And my gut hasn’t been wrong for the past few weeks. Wish it could tell me the stupid lotto numbers! That’s whats hurting me so much. Can’t get those images of A and her new man having fun. Knowing that less than 5 weeks ago we were the ones cuddling up next to each other and having fun. Eagerly waiting to see each other after work and just being with each other. like I said before, letting go is easier said than done. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Which is hard for me to do, cause I have mostly fast twitch fibres!! Well medium twitch fibres now a days.

MAN time just goes soooooooo slow when you want it to speed up. Each day just drags on. And the more you think about it the slower it goes. I really can’t wait for this year to end. I want to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. I miss her so much. I wish she was here with me now.

Moving on…

Posted: November 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

So how the heck do you move on? I was at the gym yesterday and have started to notice that there are more and more blondes around (ex is blonde). There was one particular wahine (female) at the gym who had a beautiful body and a pretty face too. I was very impressed. My natural instinct was to try and catch her eye as much as I could. I didn’t do that, however I did revert to just clawing at her with my eyes as I went to the water fountain. All I could think about was my promise I had made here on my blog…and strangely my ex?? Still don’t understand it. We aren’t together. She is going to hook up with someone else. And yet here I am feeling some sense of ‘guilt’ after leering at some female in the gym?? Weird.

It feels like my innate sense of loyalty just dosen’t want to move on from A. Even though she has moved on from me.

I have been a regular visitor to an online forum which is very, very popular. It’s where people with lots of different situation go to share and get advice from others who are in the same boat, or have been, as them. They all talk about moving on from you ex and letting time heal your wounds. Non contact or NC has become the Mantra of this forum too. People have given plenty of different reasons why they think NC works. Some say it makes your ex miss you more cause they want to know what you are doing and what you are up to. Others say it’s great because then you can start focussing on yourself and not trying to chase your ex. There are other versions too. Non Initiated Contact or NIC and Limited Contact or LC. Lots of little acronyms for you there. All of them have their benefits. I think it just depends on your own situation and thought process. For my own process I have mentioned it before, I am doing a very LC process. This has been difficult as each time I have sent something to A, which has only been twice in the past 4 weeks, I have been weary that she may just look at this points of contact as me trying to stop her from going overseas to see her new man. I can understand that. So I have adapted my process. I am going to send her another short email in a months time, which will coincide with me finishing work AND finishing my new Ta Moko (ill post photos here when it’s completed). Again the email will be short and to the point, explaining something I have learnt over the past few weeks about me, self-improvement, and giving her an open opportunity to reply. If she doesn’t reply, I just continue on with the process.

Sorry for repeating some of this stuff from my earlier blog, but you know how it is when you just get on a flow and want to try and get everything out!

Moving on is definitely easier said than done. Especially when you have made the choice that I have. Suppose to be going out tonight with some friends. Not really looking forward to it. Oh I love my mates they are part of the reason I have made it this far through my healing process. I guess it’s that fact that I’ll see all these really pretty young ladies (or old) and just feel numb cause none of them are A. I know, I know, let go and move on D. Move on…

Two Great Opportunities

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

It’s still really hard trying to stop thinking about A. I think once the weekend comes and goes I’ll get over her heading overseas. Again there is no way I can confirm this BUT my gut feeling says she outta here! Who knows for how long.

She did get my card I gave her dad, which was great. She sent a very formal and polite email saying thanks and she appreciated the though, takecare. Can’t read into that much at all. I was honestly glad she did reply. I was thinking “does 4 years really not mean that much?”. I thought things must have been REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad in our relationship for the past 12 months for her not to say thanks. So I say thanks to A for replying, I’ll use this blog cause she’ll never see it!

I’m sure people who are or who have been in my situation can understand the uncontrollable and unpredictable thoughts and emotions that come flying into your head during the day. Mine come over me like ‘anxiety’ attacks. I can’t breathe and have to take short breaths to control the emotions. Reminds me of all those movies I’ve watched where people use brown paper bags when they are hyper-ventilating. It’s a struggle and there have been a few tears again this week. What I have made sure to do is have my crying sessions with my parents around. I find this better than me sitting in my room crying by myself. They don’t even have to say anything. They just have to be there and support me just by listening to my words. Which my mum has been pretty good at.

Work has been tough, purely because that’s where me and A met. That’s one of the reasons I’m about to (fingers crossed) have an interview for a teaching position back in the UAE. The interview is tomorrow. I’m confident. But realise that if the man upstairs beliefs this is the best for me and my whanau then I will get the job. I even had to go get me a new suit today. Our Japanese homestay was so impressed she wanted to take some photos. Funny. Mum was keen for her to take them too. Good old mum. Celia Lashlie is so right. If I do go back overseas I don’t think ill be heading back to Cambridge again. Too many memories of me and A there. Too much pain for me to handle every  day. They are good memories though, but not the best when you are trying to forget about her. I did feel bad having to use my credit card to get a suit. It didn’t really make me feel like “cool I got a new suit” it was more like, well this is what they wanted us to wear to the interview. And who knows, it may come in handy for my second opportunity.

I can’t even remember if I have mentioned this before. I was trying to think of ways to increase my income. Don’t even know why I thought about it. It came to me a couple of years ago too. Why not become a marriage celebrant!! So that’s what I’ve been sorting out this week. Get forms filled and going to send the application off next week. The great thing is it doesn’t cost anything! I’m hoping the “my community needs younger and browner M/Cs” there is a lack of brown ones I can tell you. I wonder what you have to do to be a Justice of the Peace? That’s next on my list of achievements!

I guess I can thank A for being the catalyst for all this. It’s funny how PAIN can be just as strong a motivator as LOVE can be. If I had a choice though, I think I know which one I would prefer.

I miss her like crazy. I pray every night that she will come back to me…soon. I know God has a BIG plan for me now, I just hope I can live up to his expectations!!

Safety

Posted: November 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

I have discovered that the most important part of any relationship (there are many parts of course) is Safety. Your partner MUST feel emotionally and physically Safe around you as much as possible. I would say ALL the time, but that’s pretty difficult to do. Maybe we can put a figure on it and say 95% of the time. I would say that this percentage was very low with A and I over the past 12 months, at a reflective guess I would have to say at least 30%. How did I come up with this figure? Well I would hate to think it was higher cause if it was 50-70%, which I think is not bad, that would make A a low down dirty skank with less morals than I thought she had! PLUS I had been pushing her away for a very long time.

The idea of safety is not my concept either. You can thank Al Turtle for that (American Relationship Counsellor). I have learnt so much reading his works. He bases his safety idea on your human brain. It gets all technical and I’ll try to summarise things. The lower part of your brain is the part her refers to as your “Lizard” it only has two states it lives in; Safe mode and Unsafe mode. When everything is all good; Safe mode. When things aren’t so good; Unsafe mode. Simple right. When your Lizard feels threatened by something, emotional or physical it will do one of 4 things; Flee, Freeze, Submit or Fight. How you react depends on your past life experience. Everyone reacts differently. And your reactions don’t necessarily happen in that order either! My Lizard would deal with any conflict by Freezing. I wouldn’t often submit and I didn’t often want to fight. I would flee though. Just anyway for me to get out of conflict. Negative behaviour. Any relationship issue never really got talked about or fixed/solved.

I can easily identify MANY times when I made A’s Lizard feel unsafe. I try not to beat myself up and remind myself “I can only take responsibility for my own actions; negative or positive”. She has things she is responsible for too. For me the only ‘responsibility’ of her’s I could think of was “letting me get away with treating her like crap for so long”. When you are the one left behind it is VERY easy for you to ONLY think of all the good times you had with your ex and none of the times that they ‘did you wrong’. Trust me I’m in that situation right now!

How do you make your partner feel safe? From what I have been able to gather it’s simple. Don’t treat them like crap! If you are treating them like crap you have to quickly figure our why? If you don’t know, then you better find out! Hindsight is a lovely thing, but maybe you can just open your eyes before anything like my situation happens to you. Open communication is obvious. But what if your partner’s Lizard is freezing you out? You’ll most likely go into fight mode yourself OR flee. It frustrates me that I never stumbled upon this information until it was TOO LATE. I kind of look at this information/knowledge like Insurance, you never need it until something terrible happens. And when it does happen you are SO glad you had your insurance ready to back you up…whew! Take you communicating with your partner and talking through your troubles as ‘payments’ on your ‘premiums’. The more payments you make the more insurance you will have to save you! Peace of mind.

Self reflection is a wonderful tool. It’s a pity I could only do it when in pain. If you want more labels to use when communicating. Prevalidate, Validate, Mirror your partner. Al Turtle can explain these better. Keep you and your partner in a happy place by doing all these things. A Safe, happy place.

 

Found a new theme song that is strangely helping in a way. Who knew that JT could inspire me! I’d actually forgotten how cool the music video is too. Scarlett Johansson. Great video. I’m sure it’s obvious what the songs about too. Basic premise; JT meets SJ, she is with someone, he convinces her to hangout with him…they fall in love, she meets his best mate, she hooks up with his best mate, they argue, she drives off angry…don’t wanna spoil the end.

Inspirational? In the sense that if someone you meet is willing to leave someone (regardless of how long they have been together) just like that, the chances are they are going to do it again…to you! In the heat of the moment or the infatuation phase, PEA or Phenethylamine, is released in your system. This is what makes you feel ‘good’. Just being around this new person produces this chemical. It’s part of our genetic make up. We can’t control it. It’s what brings humans together, makes sense, they human race wouldn’t survive if we kept on trying to find Mr or Mrs Right, remember some of us are really picky!

So it makes me imagine (I say imagine as I have no proof) that my ex met this guy, PEA was released (possibly something she hadn’t felt with me for a long time) and BOOM the rest is human nature. The only things fighting against it would just be your Heart and your Head, and if there fighting each other (causing confusion) PEA is gonna take control pretty easily. Don’t you think? It’s like adrenaline or testosterone, very powerful ‘chemicals’.

JT may have even experienced this before? Possibly. Maybe. We all agree that love can be blind. Sometimes it can be stupid. It can definitely be painful. When we first meet that someone special we are only looking at the good things. I’m the first to admit my shallowness when choosing a potential partner. You’re not attracted to their personality, at first, you only see them from the outside. Physical attraction is a powerful thing. This is where things take a slight turn in my situation. Physically, the guy my ex is ‘going’ to is the complete opposite of me. Pakeha (white), Tall, Redheaded Australian…I don’t think you could get more polar opposites? So from my perspective it was more the ’emotional’ connection that she made with him over the few weeks they were working together. He obviously said all the right things and pushed all the right buttons to drive her PEA levels crazy! I guess. I think. I assume.

I have to be honest (cause that’s part of my criteria too) I am really struggling with everything that has happened in the last 5 weeks. A song by JT is just one of the things I have been trying to use to distract me from thinking about her.

I had to go into her dad’s work today to pay a car bill. He knew I was coming in. Paid my bill and I waited to give him a card for A. I said “would you be able to give this card to A, it’s just a card congratulating her on finishing her degree”. He kind of nervously agreed. And that was that. I tried to give it to him without any expectations, as in NOT expected any reply from her, like a ‘thank you’ email. But part of me would love to get some kind of response from her. Why would I lie about that. It was a simple card. Part of the M.I.L.K series of cards. had a colour photo of a little girl jumping into the sea with her gumboots on, with the words “the best things in life are free”. Tried to find something simpler. No luck. Wrote in the card;

A,

Congratulations on finishing your degree, you have worked hard for 3 years.

Where ever the future may take you, Keep well, Keep Safe and Takecare,

Arohanui,
Darryl

Did my best to keep in simple and unemotional as possible. Hopefully she doesn’t think this just me trying to reach out and stop her from going to see this guy. Don’t know and may never know. Have to understand that she may not even open it. Have to acknowledge that she may open it and then through it in the bin. Emotions were all over the place today. Your loving relationship can change THAT quickly people. One minute you think “yeah were having issues but we still say we love each other every night and every morning”. Don’t let your relationships end like this. If there are issues you ‘feel’ are not being addressed or just straight out being ignored FIX THEM!!! I’m living proof that you can’t fix them when you relationship is over. It’s a tough lesson that I have had to learn over the past few weeks.

“What goes around comes back around”. It truly does. I have cheated on my ex’s before, not A, well not physically (check my criteria time blog) AND now I am living proof of JT’s song. Part of me will feel some happiness when the same happens to A, I KNOW, I’m meant o be focussing on making myself a better person, but right now I need something to help me “breath again”.

Only a few more days and she’ll be in another country. Oouuuccch!

Heart-Pains

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Best word to describe the feeling when I think about my ex and realise that she is starting a new relationship with someone else. It’s a quick pain that makes my whole body shake. Just quickly, but very sharp. The heart and the mind are intimately connected. My hands actually start reaching out for something that isn’t there. As if I am reaching out for help, not my ex…or maybe it’s both. How can any sane person handle these heart-pains? I have read how some people can’t so they use drugs to make them forget or feel ‘happier’. That’s not the answer for me. Drugs will only mask the real pain I am feeling. It is tough but I know I have to accept the pain, understand why it’s hurting and then let it pass on.

My mind won’t stop thinking about what my ex ‘may’ have done with this guy before I found out and what they are ‘going’ to do when she flys off to see him at the end of the week. Hell I don’t even know if she still is going to see him. But the last time we talked she was certain she was going to see him. As I have mentioned before, I don’t hold any anger towards him, my ex never mentioned me to him. I guess this is one of the issues that happens when we never had full closure on our relationship. Only some stuff was said. So there was not enough data for me to process and understand.

And I bet you are all still wondering why I can’t stop thinking about her? For anyone else who has been in this situation you can understand that there is no”emotional switch” that can be turned off and on. If there was we wouldn’t need those drugs and relationship counsellors would we? Some people do a better job of holding up to the pain. But then that makes me question if they actually ever had a true connection with their partner. I spoke to my mum a few days ago about something that had just been in the news. It happened a few months back now but the trial had just recently finished. This well-known person, rich, succesful was told by his wife of many years that she was leaving him. He obviously could not handle the emotions associated with this pain and decided he would end her life. I said to my mum; “I can see (not understand, as I have not once thought about killing my ex) how, if not handled with care and compassion, the pain and emotions he was feeling took over his senses and made him do something unthinkable” Sure, it doesn’t justify what he did, but I can see how it happened.

Everyone handles these situations differently. Some find solace at the bottom of an alcohol bottle. Others, under the covers of someone elses bed. Some even decide to start a self-imposed abstinence journey! What ever your choice, you have to think long and hard about the consequences of your actions. I have had that time. I have made that decision with open eyes. It’s not really that scary. I am confident that for me, this is the right decision.

I thought about it today, as I was walking in town looking at some very attractive women, what would I do if my ex decided to come back to me within this 2 year time frame? Simple, ask her if she could wait until this time of healing was finished! Whether it be A or someone else that came along during this time, if they truly believed that I was someone they could love OR learn to love again then they would be more than happy to wait. People seem to jump too quickly into another persons arms when they are left behind by their ex, especially when that ex is leaving for someone else. You’ve all heard about the ‘rebound’ relationships too. Some don’t last long, some last longer, some last forever. I can’t say where my ex’s relationship is going to go. All I know is that there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wish there was, and I know I have tried. But in the end I have to let her find out for herself. It hurts, no doubt and I wish we could’ve ended things better. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it.

So for now the Heart-Pains remain. It’s going to be a struggle, but I hope this blog AND your support will help me heal.

Day 1 of 730…

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Sunday November 13th 2011, it begins. This is my first day of my self-imposed exile from the relationship scene. It’s the weekend so not that big a deal. Just been reading relationship stuff online and talking to some good friends on Facebook. People talk about ‘getting out’ and doing things, anything, to take your mind off your worries. This is very true. I guess it’s just about cutting down the ‘thinking time’ about your ex. Today is 4 weeks exactly since our Breakup (Oct 13th). Thought this would be the best time to start, as It’s a date that I will not forget for the rest of my life. It’s easy to remember to cause she broke up with me 5 days after my birthday! 5 days after she spent the whole day hanging out with me and my two daughters.

M1 had only just met her, which was a big deal to me, as I had hidden our relationship from M1 for almost 4 years! M2 had met her a few months before and they got on really well. I had always told A that I wasn’t looking for a new mother for my daughters, but having them meet her would allow us more ‘public’ freedom in our relationship. Part of me thinks that even though she said she understood, that she started getting scared of our relationship becoming TOO serious? I’m not sure. And it’s easy to assume these things without any real proof. And as I’ve said before, A had probably left me emotionally a long time before she physically left me.

It’s a strange thing too. Even though I feel like the one who got dumped it was actually me that ended things. Heres the email that she originally sent to start our BU;

Pepe I really needed to tell you this, I haven’t been able to get it out.

I’ve been thinking about things for the past couple of days and I have to be honest with you.

I have been feeling things recently and its making me think about me, and us.

I love you so much. But I think that i have come to a point where im thinking about my future and what im going to do. I don’t want to make it seem that I don’t care anymore, because it’s not that.

I’m scared pepe. I’m scared about whats going to happen next.

I really don’t want to make you angry, or hate me. If anything I still want you in my life, if you do.

Please tell me how you feel or what you think and if you want to talk about it later.

I love you
A

So you can see that she doesn’t actually say we should breakup. She was very clever in her wording of this email. She knew how I would react and I did exactly that. I basically said FINE, we knew this was gonna happen, blah, blah, blah. So she got her way making her look like the ‘good guy’. That was until I found out about the other guy!

It still really hurts reading this email. It hurts as I believe she did have this all planned out. It hurts because what would she have done If I said “i don’t want to breakup with you” and “let’s work this out”. I feel she would’ve then told me about the guy to get her way. And the fact that she can say she still wants me in her life and love’s me. This was her last reply to my email;

I still really love you pepe. It isn’t to do with our relationship, because if I could I would stay with you forever. I just feel that I don’t want to let anything go past me.

It’s not that I want to be with anyone else either pepe.

I did enjoy hanging with your kids and I knew I wasn’t going to step in as being their Mum. They have amazing parents.

I still want to be part of your life if you will let me.

Do you want to talk about this later?

x

I don’t think I have to point out the parts that were obviously lies to try and not hurt me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Have to try and stop using this cliché. My responses were better than I thought. No begging just very matter of fact stuff. We knew that this was going to happen, can’t be your friend right now, maybe in the future, you gotta do what you gotta do. My begging emails came a few days later. They were very heartfelt and emotional. They fell on deaf ears. But who knows. Maybe when she has missed me during these last few weeks she has looked at them and made herself feel better? Who knows? I don’t.

Had massive HeartACHES last night. Don’t know why. Just kept smashing into my last night. Couldn’t control them. I said to my friend that maybe it was my heart subconsciously reacting to things that A may have been doing last night? Things that my heart OR her heart couldn’t take either? I remember saying to her that she would always have half my heart (The other half belongs to the mother of my children, M) and that’s exactly what it felt like. Half my heart was getting pounded. I know eventually the connection between us will loosen. Which is sad. And that’s what this 2 years is all about. Trying to heal these wounds. In a positive way.

It is so surprising to me how supportive friends and whanau have been. Sure there are some people I talk to who are like “there are plenty more fish in the sea!”, and I’ve always replied “But I don’t want any other fish”. Don’t worry, people have also told me to let A go and just move on. I understand where they are coming from. But everyone heals in their own way. This is going to be my way. After these 2 years of healing I hope to be the person that people, including A, will see as a better improved me. Six Million Dollar Man styles, hard. And if A has forgotten me and moved on, I’ll be strong enough to be happy for her and finally be open to a loving relationship. Right now, that just wouldn’t be right for me.

I did think to myself “what if during this 2 year period A wants to reconcile?”…tough decision. But I would have to be strong and stick to my timetable. By the time that this ends she will be 2 years older and wiser. True, she may have moved on anyway. That’s were my faith comes into play. I know that I was A’s first BIG love (even though I helped destroy it too) and you never forget your true love. If I can give her the enough time and space she MAY look back and think “well maybe he is the one for me?” or obviously the opposite, “Nah, he was a dick to me when we were together and he’s not going to change!”. Love is a complicated circle of fire really.

What to do on my first day of 735? Got to get up and go to the gym. This gets hard as we use to train together all the time too. Broke my rule of not snooping a few days back and saw her fb pic. Just had a pic of her and a female mate out on the town. That hurt. Checked her tumblr too. First article I read was about her quitting the gym! Said she had to try and save money. Don’t know if that was the reason though. I still go to the gym near her whare, not all the time maybe once a week as it’s close to where my daughters live with their mum. So maybe she wanted to quit cause she might see me OR one of my good mates who goes to the gym too? Again, don’t know! Anyway. Gym then going to watch M1 at her end of your dance school performance. That always makes me feel proud to be a dad. Be sitting with my ex, which has never really been an issue, especially now she has a man. Then what? Maybe go for a hikoi (walk) around our town lake. It’s nice there and takes up another hour in the day. Trying hard to find things that I can do for free that will use my time up. Night times are always hard, that’s when A and I would spend most of our time together on the weekends as I usually had my daughters during the day time. During the weekdays it was mostly night times too as I was at work and she was studying.

Trying not to think about her up and coming departure overseas to see her new man. That part is KILLING me. Really just want this year to end. bring on 2012 please.

Got a pre-screening phone interview for a teaching job in the UAE (United Arab Emirates) on Tuesday. If things go well I will have an in-person interview this Friday in Auckland. So fingers crossed! I personally feel I’m due for some good news! Well will most likely blog later to recap on Day 1 of 730…

Responsibility not Blame

Posted: November 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

I have learnt that I need to take responsibility for the negative actions of my past. I need to acknowledge that they were wrong and understand that I need to change them if I want to have more positive relationships in my future. This is easy to say when you are still in so much pain. Blaming and pointing fingers at others, like my parents is pointless. They can’t change the past and neither can I. But I can definately work on the present.

I take responsibility for these actions;

1. Being an emotional bully to get my own way

2. Treating others like they were my slave

3. Pushing people away to protect myself from heartache

4. Not being honest with myself and the people I love

These four things seem over simplfied but they encompass most of my negative actions. Im sure id be able to add more in as my blog continues and my mind starts to focus more.

I truly don’t blame A for leaving me. I saw the signs early on but never thought she would have the courage to do it. I am sure she has a list of things to add to my negative behaviours too. It’s difficult in this situation too. It’s hard to practice these new understandings when the person who helped you realise them has left you.

Responsibility is a shared factor in a relationship to. So I am aware that A has to responsibility for her own actions in this situation to. More so what lead to this situation. I can’t list those for her as only she knows what she is responsible for. I do hope someday that we will be able to talk about these issues. But I know that this won’t happen for a while, possibly never.

If I had the chance again people I would’ve sat down with A, tried my best to put our emotions to the side and really talked about all the things we were both going through. I believe this would’ve saved both of us (I’m assuming) from going through so much pain in the past 12 months or so. As I’ve discovered from some of the research I have done, A most likely left me emotionally a long time ago, but it’s only recently she left me physically. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I hope that people following this blog will communicate better with their spouse or special someone better than I did.