Criteria Time

Posted: November 12, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Today I start developing a “criteria” for my 2 year journey of healing. But I guess you need to know the reason for this self-imposed exile from the relationship scene. So sit back, grab a liquid refreshment. I hope you are still awake at the end.

When I was a young boy running around the playground chasing girls in the ever popular game “catch and kiss” I never realised this was preparing me for my teenage years. I knew at an early age the opposite sex were going to play a major role in my life. I didn’t know how, but I just really felt they would.

At primary school I never thought of myself as ‘good looking’. Girls had called me ‘cute’ but never ‘good looking’. But I did seem to be a very popular person. Not just with females but with my male peers. I’m not really sure why this was. I discovered that I had the strange power to ‘influence’ people…and I liked it. I realised I could make people do things that I didn’t want to do myself. At this age it meant carrying my bags or some lame kind of thing like that. For a 7-year-old boy this was true power though. I only had one “girlfriend” during my primary school days. She was often my target during catch and kiss! I think the most I got was a few kisses on the cheek. That was more than enough back then.

Intermediate. This was my transition from catch and kiss to flirt and kiss. I developed my skills of persuasion, mainly practicing on friends and others until I could fully understand what limits I could go to with them. An early sign of my emotional manipulation skills. I had my first real kiss at intermediate. She was a lovely young Bogan, metal head, blonde girl. We made out in the school computer lab during lunchtime. What an amazing feeling. I think our relationship lasted about 2-3 weeks. Which was about standard for intermediate. I had friends try to teach me the right technique too. Which makes me laugh when I think back to it. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing when I kissed her! Oh yeah, forgot there was another girl in form 1 that I kissed. But that was just on the lips. I remember getting invited to her place and me being really shy so having to bring a friend with me! So funny. I could honestly say at this point in my life I loved 3 things; Dancing (hip hop), Girls and Sports…not always in that particular order either.

High School. Well this is where I started to hone my skills of persuasion. I had a core group of friends from intermediate and increased that number at High School. I wouldn’t consider us as a group “the popular kids”, we didn’t need that kind of label. But because of the person I had become I was definitely considered ‘popular’. This popularity gave me the confidence to believe that I could do anything. When people listen to what you have to say and then take on those words as the truth you can understand where my confidence came from. I was able to ‘blend’ into any clique at school. My charm had developed well from primary school. When you exude confidence and have a strong self-belief in yourself it is scary how powerful you can be. Looking back now I sadly used this power for my own selfish benefits. If something was going to help me out then I was going to do it. Though, in Intermediate I did have a quick wake up call. I contracted meningitis when I was 12. Was in hospital for 10 days before getting the all clear. A terrible time for me and my whanau. Thinking that I was going to die and not really understanding what this terrible illness was. I took this as a wake up call from God. Don’t know why I was so in touch with my faith back then, but I did take it as a sign to clean up my act and start respecting others. I did for a while, trying to treat others as I wished to be treated. Had plenty of slip ups during my early High School years.

Mostly my issues had to do with girls. I just couldn’t help myself. I was in no way a player. But anywhere I went I would constantly admire girls. It didn’t matter where I was; on holiday, at church, at the mall, at school…I think you get my drift. I enjoyed flirting with them and chasing them and trying to see if I could make them like me. I liked being liked! Think that’s the Libra in me. To my knowledge, when at High School, I was only rejected once, by this blonde senior girl. She was really pretty and had lovely eyes (nb: saw her years later and she looked exactly the same…which was strange cause she looked really average!) I wrote her a note asking if she wanted to go out with me. I barely knew her. She said she just wanted to be friends. I was devastated. This was the first time I had been turned down by anyone. Had a few tears at home and strangely got over it (this was 22 odd years ago now). I did have a huge crush on this girl for the first 2 years of high school. She was lovely. Friendly, smart. We never really ended up getting together. She again only wanted to be friends. I didn’t count this as a rejection though. There were no tears involved with this “breakup”. I had a few other ‘hook ups’ during High School, just kissing, nothing sexual. All of it was fun for me. Again, there honestly weren’t that many hook ups.

It wasn’t until my 6th form year (year 12) that I started to even think about sex. I know it seems strange knowing my background and how much I loved girls! But I never really thought too much about sex. These were the days when you could actually cuddle and kiss someone for like 3 hours!! Well that’s how it felt to me back then anyway. In this year I met a young lady from another school. She was really cool and pretty and we seemed to hit it off really well. She was almost my ‘first’. I am thankful she wasn’t. It ended up that she had lied to me about all these little things I hate. One in particular was smoking. I hate this disgusting habit with a passion. While we were still together I caught her smoking. I was gutted. I can see now that this is where one of my negative behaviours began. I had always considered myself a very loyal person. I had never cheated on any of my girlfriends back then (except for this one girl earlier on, but that was a weird relationship where I thought we had an “open” relationship, I know weird).

So, an oppotunity came up not long after this when I was able to hook up with someone else. Which I did. Easily too. I told my girlfriend and of course that ended our relationship. I did see her years later when she had had a baby and she seemed happy. I think because I was able to get away with it, well not feel major guilt about  what I did, that made it ‘acceptable’ behaviour. My innate sense of moral justice, which at the time I had felt was good (id’ like to think better than most) took a few dents from these actions. It’s important to remember where this all started though. The girl I hooked up with was lovely too. We didn’t last long though. As, with no surprise I’m sure, I met someone else. By the way this girl ended up having kids and becoming a lawyer so did well despite me being a dick!

The someone else. M was 16 when we first met. I was in a nightclub and she waltzed up to me and said the BEST pick up line I have ever heard; “Are you D?, Weren’t you on (a kids TV programme that will go unmentioned)?”. From there we were hooked! Like any young budding relationship we spent the first 3 months in each others pockets. We would ring and talk (no texting back then) and basically hangout as much as possible. The first night we met we both shared a Hershey’s chocolate bar for breakfast. Good times. She even gave me some change to catch the bus home (remember I was 17 and she was 16). After the first 3 months I started getting itchy feet. Back then I didn’t want to be committed to one girl. It is only NOW that I fully understand why I felt this way. Not sure whether to cover that issue here or save it for later…maybe ill address it now while I remember it.

COMMITMENT. Growing up I was a sickly baby. I would catch/get everything. Measles, Chicken Pox, Mumps, Cold, Flu’s, etc, etc. I had an older brother who just seemed to have a super immune system! So of course my mum would always take care of me. I fully admit to being a mummy’s boy. Growing up my brother would watch out for me too, especially at school. Don’t get me wrong I had a fun childhood, but I was basically the baby of our whanau (family). As I got older I became less and less reliant (or so I would like to think) on my parents and my brother. We are a sporting whanau. My brother was really good at softball so I had to play too. I was okay. My mum and dad would spend most of their weekends following him with his sport and I would just have to get rides with mates. Which was fine, cause I just got use to sorting things out for myself. BUT in the end I just couldn’t be bothered sticking to softball. What was the point? My parents seemed to care about my brothers sport more than mine. I don’t “blame” my parents for my issue with commitment, but I think this part of my life had a deeper impact on me and my relationships with others.

Okay, back to M. I tried to breakup with M at the 3 month mark, well round aboutish. She cried. I backed off. I forgot to mention, we had only been seeing each other for maybe 2 weeks when we ‘tried’ to have sex. Major fail on both our parts. It was a really funny experience. Asking a mate for a condom and neither of us knowing how to take it out of the packet let alone put it on. It was a comedy of errors anyway. It wasn’t till much later that we finally hooked up. Up to this point, as mentioned before, I had never really cared too much about sex. That all changed after the first time we did have sex. Again, lots of fumbling around and I can’t even remember if it even lasted that long, but it sure felt great. Sex is like a drug, once you have it you can’t stop craving it! It brings a powerful connection to someone else. M and I would find anyway to hook up with each other. We would sometimes wag classes (she went to another school so had to bus over to my whare) and hook up. We obviously didn’t pay too much attention in Sex Ed classes cause we kept having unprotected sex! Crazy I know, but you know how teenage hormones work. We didn’t even think about the consequences of our actions, until FINALLY she went on the pill. We were so dumb back then!

I am pretty sure I tried to break up with her a few times after that. Again scared of commitment and I couldn’t help my wandering eye either. My brother had moved overseas to Australia. I went over one summer and ended up hooking up (no sex stuff) with a friend of his. This was while M and I were together. I regretted it later on but never told M. Our relationship was rocky at best, not M’s fault at all, just me again not wanting to be tied down. 3 years after we hooked up M got pregnant (we were both studying at the time). I was devastated. Neither of us had a ‘real’ job and we were still in the middle of finishing our degrees!

Fatherhood. I didn’t want to be a father. I was only 20 and M was 19. She only found out she was pregnant because she went to the doctors for a completely unrelated issue. They did a pregnancy test at the same time. BOOM. Hapu (pregnant). I remember having to tell my parents the news. I was absolutely devastated. It was hard to say anything to them through all the tears. M’s mum was different, she seemed to have expected it. We both talked about termination and adoption, our parents convinced us to do neither and vowed they would help support us and our child. So we decided to keep our baby. We had a pretty good 9 months waiting for our baby. I did drift again. Met another girl I use to study with.  I kept on going out as much as I could without M (I don’t drink so it was never about alcohol). I can see now that I was just trying to ignore the up and coming birth of our baby. I know I made M feel like crap. Absolute crap. I never hooked up with this girl and I’m really glad I didn’t.

On Friday August 2nd, 1996 at 9.21pm my beautiful baby girl M1 was born. I was in the room the entire time and when  the midwife placed her in my arms I bawled my eyes out!! I was so proud to have her in my arms. I took her out to see her new grandparents, uncles and aunties. This was one of the happiest days in my life. Amazing feeling. For a while this kept M and I close. Again, I got itchy feet. Even the love of M and our beautiful daughter couldn’t keep me focussed. I was really selfish in our relationship, especially with M1 being with us too. I loved my daughter just as much as M but my love wasn’t spread evenly between them. M needed more help with baby than I gave. Again I was far too selfish. I treated M like my slave. I made her do everything for me. Controlling her and manipulating her until she was an emotional mess. I found it easy because she was the one who had put weight on and already had low self-esteem. I was conflicted too. I would try to help her get back to being ‘her-oldself’ but she seemed to look at it as if I was just trying to get rid of her. I encouraged her to catch up with her mates (she had classically forgotten about her mates when we first hooked up) go to the gym and all those other positive things. She did for a while but had real issues about her weight and self-worth at the time. In the end I just gave up trying to help. I just gave up.

1999. Near the beginning of the year M and I came to the decision to try and have a 3 month break to try and sort things out. Neither of us wanted to hook up with anyone BUT we were fighting too much so needed to get some space. It didn’t really work though. We kept on hooking up with each other during this time. We didn’t want anyone else! When we finally sat down to talk about where we were and what we felt. During this time I had decided that I could finally commit to her, that I couldn’t see her with anyone else and I couldn’t see me with anyone else either. I loved her and she loved me. I was 24 at the time. But guess what? She had gone in the opposite direction! She didn’t want to be with anyone else BUT right now she didn’t want to be with me. I was GUTTED. The women that I was ready to marry had decided she didn’t want me. It wasn’t until very recently that I told her, “You know if you had come back to me then, I was ready to marry you”. I never told her then because it would’ve sounded like I was trying to emotionally manipulate her again. And I’m sure it would’ve fallen on deaf ears at the time. This was the most pain I had been in, emotional, ever. My parents tried to comfort me and my mates, but nothing could get this terrible feeling out of me. It was the most I had ever cried. What made it harder is that we still had to interact with each other because of our baby. I still can’t even remember how I got through this dark part of my life. I’m not trying to say I didn’t deserve it though. I had been a dick to M leading up this time. I had seriously messed with her head. Emotional bullying at it’s best. A few months later I got into a course in Auckland. Suddenly M was interested in me again, though we had started hooking up again too. Before I went to Auckland she started acting like we were ‘together’ again. I was sick of fighting with her and crying, etc so I just went along with her. Not great, I know, this just perpetuated more negative behaviour patterns.

pseudo relationship and all. So 2000, dawn of the new millennium. Headed to Auckland. In my mind M and I were not together anymore, but in her mind we were. Hence the pseudo relationship. While studying in Auckland I started working at a bar (which was ironic itself, with me being a non-drinker). This young girl showed interest in me, but I turned her down cause she was so young (she was 18 and I was 24) plus she was a bit of a skank too. This will become more relevant later on.

Anyway, nothing else eventful relationship wise happened and M and I carried on with our ‘relationship’. 2001 was very different though. I ended up in a relationship with two different girls, both whom had boyfriends. I went through a “well I’m sick of caring about other people’s feelings” stage. I only ‘hooked up’ with one of the girls though. fortunately I still had some morals left not to hook up, sexually with the other girl. All the while I was still sleeping with M back home. I think I forgot to mention. M was the first person I had ever had sex with. So me hooking up with this other girl was a HUGE step for me. The first time I did hook up with her I couldn’t put my clothes on any faster and get home fast enough. I continued that relationship for another 3 months, then she decided it was a good idea to finish up cause she loved her boyfriend too much. Probably a good thing. While me and the other girl just kinda stopped talking to each other. I did catch up with her a few years later overseas and she was doing really well. Karma repaid me for my efforts by helping me lose my job. I was made redundant. Good old 9/11. That’s another story that doesn’t really need to be told here. So eventually I had to head back home.

2002. Don’t worry guys, my womanising ways continued. I reconnected with a friend of mine whom I use to work with. Very lovely and kind-hearted girl. We were in a relationship for almost 10 months. This is when I realised that the relationships I was having while M and I were “together” always had a WAY OUT. The two girls the previous year had boyfriends, so I never really needed to worry about connecting with them fully. It was the same with this girl. I knew she was going overseas so didn’t need to fully connect with her too. I could see why I had done this. When M had broken my heart back in 99, I mentally put a wall up around my heart, protecting it from ever feeling that pain again. So I NEVER let any female get close enough to break down those walls. Having a WAY OUT from these relationships was a perfect way to do just that. I was sad when she left to go overseas and we kept in contact for a little while but it died out. Last I knew she was married with a baby, again another positive outcome after dickhead me. During this relationship M managed to catch us a few times and I finally had to tell her I had been seeing her for a few months. Again, the power I had over her was very strong and I was able to continue our relationship on and still see the other girl. Evil, I know. I put M through hell and strangely I still loved her more than anyone else.

2003. I took a break from my evil ways and had a pretty normal year. M and I still fought over stupid things. She obviously still had trust issues with me, which was understandable. And I still had my wandering eye. But it wasn’t until 2004 that I was able to ‘find’ someone else to hook up with. Again she was a lovely, smart, pretty young girl. She had a daughter too. I swept her off her feet and we started a 6-8 month relationship, hard to remember now how long it went for. Yet again M caught me out, she knew me better than anyone else in the world. The more I tried to hide things the easier she would find out. My power over her was once again used and hey presto she forgave me, well took me back. What was one of the biggest regrets in this relationship, with the other girl, was the fact I got her pregnant and forced her to have an abortion. I don’t think there are many more evil things that someone could do to a female than what I did. I didn’t love her though and I didn’t want to have children to someone else other than M. A very strange disconnected version of loyalty there. I did keep in touch with her for a couple of years after and I know where she is living now, but haven’t really reached out to her in a long time. Not from guilt, I’m just not sure what I would say. M and I carried on with our ‘swiss cheese’ relationship. Got caught up in trying to make sure I got all this information down. HOW COULD I FORGET, during 2004 my second beautiful baby girl was born;M2. So, So, precious, but born into a relationship in utter turmoil. Not such a good thing for a little girl. I can still see things in her attitude that I think affected her from this time. Growing up in this environment was not positive for her. So fortunate that she has turned out to be a wonderful daughter just like her older sister. Very blessed. I still feel that M ‘got’ pregnant to try and turn me around and come back to her. It semi-worked, but I just didn’t seem to be able to help myself from wandering. There’s that non-commitment again.

2005. Very different year. It was my first year of teaching. I had moved to a small rural town. This was a fantastic year. there were no women getting in the way of me being a good dad, well trying to be anyway. M and I still had our ups and downs, but I honestly can’t remember too many downs during this year. It was a great year to start my career in teaching.

2006. This was the year that finally ended M and I. My wandering eye found someone else again. M found out and was just devastated and had enough. I didn’t care so just let her go. In my mind I thought this was going to be the best thing for her. I thought that with me out of the picture she would be able to work on herself and go back to being the M I fell in love with. Weird aye? Treating someone you love like crap, hooking up with various women just so you could make them feel better about themselves??Don’t know why I thought this would work. It didn’t work either. She just went into a deep depression and started going out and partying up hard. She had spent 12 years under my spell. It freaks me out to think that she lasted that long with me. Typing that number in, I don’t know what to say. 12 years. That’s a bloody long time to hold on to someone. She had so much love for me. A few times we did talk recently, not much, but a little bit. We agreed that we never really had enough ‘us’ time, away from our families and children when we were together. Just seemed to have bad timing about our emotions too.

The relationship I had that ended M and I lasted almost 10 months too. It ended cause she wanted me to change. Same old habits. I honestly didn’t want to change. I just didn’t see why I needed to. We had an amicable breakup, which was very strange for me. But it did feel like a good decision at the time. I know you maybe thinking, why did you destroy a 12 year ‘relationship’ for a 10 month one? I don’t know! I just wanted M to get back to her oldself, I honestly felt that this was the best way to do it. 5 years on she seems to have done that. She has a man and a good job and we can, sometimes, have normal discussions. The only real issue we have is when she wants more money for our girls. That’s another blog I think.

2007. I moved to a new school. Things at my old school had turned to custard. Again I think this had a lot to do with good old karma again! For someone who had done so many bad things I still didn’t seem to learn my lesson. Too thick-skinned. My new school seemed okay. This is where I met A. She was a year 13 student whom I taught. I was immediately attracted to her. She reminded me of an ex-girlfriend. She started hanging out in my class during her study periods. We got to talking about different things. I even had dinner at her place a couple of times too. This was really weird. I had already been teaching for a couple of years and had taught very attractive students before BUT I had never thought of them in a ‘relationship’ sense. Quickly we both realised we had feelings for each other. And I could tell that her parents knew that too. So it was not surprise when we finally did start going out her parents had no issues with it. I think the was the deal-maker there for me, considering I was 32 at the time and she was 17! I knew this was going to bring a whole new raft of issues into my relationship with M and my daughters too.

2008. A and I had fallen in love with each other. We spent as much time as possible with each other too, which is not surprise during the ‘infatuation’ phase. There was a major condition to our situation though. Because she was an ex-student I told her that we had to hide our relationship from the school and all her friends. I didn’t want ‘us’ being together to destroy my teaching career by people telling the school. This was hard, but it was also a lot of fun. Sneaking around together, trying not to get caught by people related to my school. She would sneak over to my whare too. At the early stages I never told my parents. My mum still had strong ties with M. Sometimes I think she loved M more than she loved me. I knew that my mum would not be happy with me being with someone else, let alone someone so young AND and ex-student. So we kept it under wraps for a few months.

As the year progressed I finally did tell my parents. I didn’t want A to have to keep sneaking around. As expected, mum was not happy. She realised that there wasn’t much she could do though and ‘eventually’ accepted our relationship. That same year I decided I needed to get my act together and get some funds together and buy a house for me and my daughters. I got a job overseas and in the middle of the year took off for a 12 month contract. A and I knew we should part ways as It just wouldn’t be far to hold on to each other for that long. By the way, during all this time neither my daughters or M knew about us. Again I didn’t want M to know as I thought she would try to block me from my daughters, she had done this before with my 2006 relationship. While I was overseas A and I kept in contact. I tried to date someone over there, but it didn’t work. I think I was way too honest for her on our first coffee date. I think I open up too quickly and too easily with people. Especially with people I want to start a relationship with. So she got scared off. Probably a good thing. A and I decided that we still loved each other very much and we ‘got back’ together while I still overseas. I ended my contract early, not because of A, the job I had was not what I expected. I came home to A’s open arms and we continued on.

2009. This was A’s first year studying. I was really happy for her. She was doing the same degree that I had done 11 years back. I can’t remember specific details during this time but from this year until 2010 lots of my negative behaviour started to act up again.

We started discussing our future and what things we wanted to do. I had told her from the beginning that I didn’t want to get married, not just to her but to anyone. I didn’t want to have kids, I already had two kids already AND I didn’t want more issues having kids with someone else. I didn’t want to travel because I wanted to stay close to my daughters. We agreed because A was still so young that eventually our relationship would…die out. We had agreed that if either of use felt that we found someone else we were ‘interested’ in we would tell the one another and move on amicably. This was over the space of 2009-2010. We had some amazing times together during this time.

Negative behaviour patterns. I can see now because of the wall around my heart I didn’t let A get close enough. I would do things and say things to keep her a safe distance. I didn’t want to feel the pain I did with M all those years ago. I basically treated A like a slave. I made her do everything and anything for me. I was her Master. I didn’t really care about her feelings either. If she didn’t do what i wanted her to do I would punish her by giving her the silent treatment. I would shut her out and make her feel like crap until she apologised (for something she didn’t even do wrong) or did what I had wanted her to do in the first place. I emotionally manipulated her. Whenever she would get the courage up and say “im not your slave” I would say, well you don’t have to stay with me…she would back off. She would make me dinner, lunch, care for me emotionally and sexually. All the things I did with M were being repeated. I had just replaced her with someone younger. Maybe subconsciously that’s exactly what I had done?

During this time we did have very mini-breakups, mostly created by me over stupid little things that A had no idea about. One of us would always break and we would come back to each others arms. I think it was somewhere in 2010 when things started to get worse. She tried to reach out to me at times. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t ALL terrible, but there were signs then that her heart and self-esteem were taking a pounding. Because we didn’t have a normal public relationship we didn’t go out that much. I think this was and issue, but that’s just me assuming. We did go the movies and dinner and stuff but maybe not as much as A would’ve liked. I had always encouraged her to do stuff with her mates, that’s one positive I guess? I made sure that she kept her independence in that sense. But none of her friends (to my knowledge) ever knew about us. On the other hand ALL my mates knew about her. This was easier because none of my friends (well the ones not connected to the school) had connection to school. Not knowing her friends and spending time with them could’ve been an issue too? At any rate A never said to me, to my memory, that these things were a major issue.

To keep up this facade I would act like I was single. At school I would flirt and pretend I was single. A acted single too, but I don’t think she was as bad as I was at flirting, etc. Again I’m just assuming. I would come home and talk to A about doing this stuff. Telling her about new hot teachers and students. I was constantly beating down her self-esteem. Maybe again and attempt on my part to keep her down? To make her feel like she was crap so that she would think “man I’m so lucky to have him cause all these other girls think he’s amazing”?? Maybe?

2011. Things continued on this way…wait just have to take a jump back to 2009. A’s mum had been married to her dad for a VERY longtime. She had decided she was leaving her dad. Sadly she left for someone else, and it eventuated that she had been seeing this guy for sometime while they were still married. I helped A through this time as she found this very tough. Her dad obviously took it even tougher. A felt conflicted. She was very close to her mum, but felt for her dad too. Her dad started dealing with his grief and A kinda got ignored during this time. Eventually I encouraged her to reconnect with her mum, which she slowly did. I encouraged her as she need some emotional and financial support that her dad in his ‘state’ just couldn’t do. Her dad found a partner eventually which made him happier and things started to stabilise, which was great for A. This stuff is important for up and coming blogs.

BACK to 2011. Things continued on. me being a Master, A being a Slave. Living two lives. Public and Private. All the time hiding A from two of the most important people in my life; M1 and M2. Early in the year I was a groomsmen at my mates wedding. I met a lovely bridesmaid. At first I thought it would be fun to try and get her to like me, even though she was there with her partner. I now, dickhead, but remember my patterns of the past. Eventually I did make her ‘like’ me. We never did anything, but we did admit our feelings to each other but agreed that we could never do anything about them because we both loved our partners very much. I told A what had happened, She of course was devastated. It didn’t matter that nothing ‘physical’ happened, but I can look back now and see she was more hurt than I had realised. This was the catalyst for events that followed.

I think it was a month later that I found a whole bunch of texts she had made to this number. We had talked about this guy she liked that she studied with before. I had repeated the idea of honesty and telling each other if we thought we might want to start a relationship with someone else. Especially after what happened with the bridesmaid. She said she had understood and that she had asked him out for lunch, which hurt but I said okay. I did want her to find someone good for her, and from what one of my mates had told me he was a good guy. What I didn’t know as that she had also started texting him HEAPS. I only checked because our phone bill (I paid for mine and her phones) had jumped up dramatically. So I checked and saw tons of text to his number (my mate told me what is number was). I went freaking ballistic at her. She had been texting him 3x more than me in one whole month!! I was gutted. She said it wasn’t what I thought it was, but it was hard to deny the hard facts though. I stormed off all angry. We sat down later and she said she did it because of what I had done with the bridesmaid. I just repeated that nothing happened with her. Nothing did. We got through this event BUT things still carried on the same. Master/Slave.

RWC. A got an internship doing some work with the RWC event in our home town. She started talking about this guy from another country,same age who had been doing all this cool work and she found him so interesting. I think you can see where this is going. They worked together for over 6 weeks, mostly during the weekends. A few days after my birthday A sent me an email. It basically said she had been thinking about her future and us., that she loved me but was scared of the future. Very vague, but as I re-read it I believe she was just setting me up. I feel she knew how I would react to the email. And I did. I tried to be all cool and calm and replied with a “Fine, we knew was going to happen eventually” kind of email. Her email had no mention of this guy. though it did mention she had been having feelings, nothing specifically related to anything or anyone. vague. So she did come over but we didn’t really talk. I tested her in the morning by trying to hook up with her. She was completely frigid and we didn’t end up doing anything. I knew then that there was another guy. I checked her phone records and sure enough there was an overseas number. I went crazy. it was late at night. I started ringing her number like crazy. She wouldn’t answer. this was around Midnight. I was so mad I decided to just go over and see her. I maybe rung her 50 times with no answer. When I got there I kept knocking, not an angry knock as she lived with her dad and his partner. I rung her dads phone too…like I said I was mad. Finally her dads partner came to the door. It was obvious she wasn’t going to let me in. I calmly said ive been trying to ring A but she isn’t answering, she said she is okay she’s just asleep. I apologised and went back home. Didn’t sleep until she finally answered her phone around 6am. Asked her to come over. Id already sent wo text stating “Well isn’t that convenient that you try to end things with me and your textn this guy in another country”. So she knew I had found out.

I had this list of questions I wanted to ask her so I didn’t get CRAZY. She answered all of them BUT it wasn’t until I put some pressure on her that she finally crumbled. She had said that her and this other guy had just recently in the past few days admitted their feelings towards each other. I said to her “When you finish your studies in a few weeks time, you’re going to see him aren’t you?”, she nodded yes. I was destroyed. I was so hurt. I told her that too. I went nuts. Not yelling but more of a raised voice. Said she was just like her mum. Told her that she was an evil, lying, cunning, baarcch. That I could finally see what she was really like. That she would do well in her chosen career as lying was an important part of it…You get the picture. Then I made her, yip made her, come back to her house with me and tell her dad and his partner what she had done. That she had met someone else and even after being caught out by me was still going to go see him. In my mind I just didn’t want them to think I had done something. Obviously in hindsight I had been doing things to force her to do this for a VERY long time.

The next day my emotions where still running high. I decided I needed to try and talk to her and end things amicably. I went over to her house, unannounced. Asked her to come for a walk with me. We talked a little about why this happened. She did signal that the bridesmaid event was an issue, but did say it did’nt really justify what she had done. I understood that. But we did’nt really get anything else out. We sat in her room for almost 5 hours, kissing, cuddling but not really talking much. I remember her saying she “didn’t know what to say”. And neither did I. At the time all I could think about was not letting her go. I loved her and didn’t want to lose her. I started begging for another chance. she just kept on saying “I can’t, I can’t”. I made the stupid mistake of trying to “hook up” with her. I could then see how much pain she was in, she really struggled with this, it made her angry. She didn’t push me away. And fortunately I didn’ force myself on her either, I did just want to connect with her one more time. I kept telling her that after this I would never see her again and that I couldn’t be friends with her. She seemed to understand this. Finally I had to go, she had plans. We hugged and kissed and said that we loved each other and said goodbye. I was so gutted…

I reached out to my parents and friends, basically anyone who would listen to me. I did some quick self-reflection and had a good cry. The next day my mum said something to me that made me go back to A one more time. My mum said “when you went overseas I encouraged her to move on with her life, etc” she said to my mum “I know, but I’m going to wait for him”. That was enough for me to realise that this was the women I wanted to marry. I was willing to tell her in the hope she would change her mind…even though I knew she would say no. I went over, she just happened to be home. I asked if I could talk to her quickly. I told her that I didn’t want to regret not saying these words like I did back with M. I said to her “If there is any chance you will take me back, I will marry you and have kids with you A”. I felt her squeeze tight on my hand when I said these words. She knew I meant them. But she was too far gone. She just kept saying “she can’t”. She also said “I don’t deserve you” which was something new and I’m still not sure what she meant by that either. If I’m the one begging forgiveness for my mistakes how can she ‘not’ deserve me?

I sent her two heartfelt and honest emails. Reinforcing everything I had said to her, and more. She never responded to any of them.

I spent the next few days trying to cope with all the pain, sorrow,  guilt and loneliness. It was so difficult. I am so fortunate that I have and amazing whanau and friends. So many of them have helped. And all that they did was just listen to my problem and share some insight into it from their own experiences. I also managed to find a wonderful site created by and American relationship counsellor, Al Turtle. Crazy name but amazing view on relationships, which I’ll discuss in other blogs.

All this information, research and support has brought me here to this blog. Brought me here to this decision. Every where I turn people keep suggesting you need to “work on yourself”. You need to fix what your negative behaviour patterns. I agree. I do. I know I am capable of being a better partner/person and father. But I know it’s going to difficult to break these patterns. As you can see they have lasted a longtime. Through various relationships. Part of me, which is obvious wants to go out and just find someone else to replace her. Part of me knows that this will achieve nothing. And would eventually end up hurting someone else in the process. I can see that now and actually have the power to stop myself.

Hence my journey of self-discovery. What better way to do this than remove the ‘substance’ that has cause some much strife and pain in my life…AND cool stuff too. But this is about me changing my negative ways and healing the present and past pains I have been through. I know and acknowledge all the positive things I have done in my life, but for too long I have ignored the negative ones. I hope that you will enjoy this journey I am taking. It’s going to be a long haul I am sure.

SO FINALLY criteria. What conditions am I going to put on myself for this journey? 24 months with no girlfriend/partner. I want to make sure I have clear guidelines so I don’t stray, even though I know I won’t. Those of you who have experienced this pain before will understand me. It’s this pain I NEVER want to experience again and never want to be the person who inflicts this pain on others either. I’m not closing my heart off to people. I will still be open to friendships with the opposite sex. I just won’t take that friendship any further. I will develop the skills to be more patient and cautiously honest with females. hopefully enabling them to feel safe around me BUT realising that during this journey friendship is all I will be looking for. I can hear people out there already thinking “From what you have told us, I doubt you will be able to do this!”, I wouldn’t blame you for thinking this at all. But when you find out that someone you thought still loved you has started planning a future (short or long) with somebody else you soon realise you need to change your ways. Quickly.

So I guess that’s one part of my Criteria

1. I can have open friendships with females. Nothing more than friendship. And I must be absolutely honest with them about this from the beginning.

I’m not going to put these in any particular order right now. I’m just keen to get them out there so ‘followers’ can agree or disagree. Cause once they are set there will be no turning back.

2. No sexual relationships with anyone

I guess this is a little obvious, but I feel needs to be in the criteria too. Just to make sure I don’t try and justify hooking up with someone by saying “but where just friends!”

3. I must blog at least once a week. Even if things are going really well.

What’s the point of starting a Blog if I don’t keep people up-to-date regardless of it being boring. I feel it’s important if I am using this journey to help me heal I keep writing down my thoughts and feelings for everyone to share. Maybe even laugh at. Or cry.

4. Keep everything I say honest. No holding back. But watch the language of course.

I often find the I am very verbose! But that’s who I am. I hate people having to ask me questions about something I say or do so I try to tell them everything at once. Which can be difficult of course cause sometimes there’s a lot to read through (SEE this first blog post!!)

5. No full names are needed, just the first letters of people’s names is enough.

I would hate to embarrass of incriminate anyone during this journey. Yet I know it’s going to get confusing with all these single letter names!

6. Make sure to answer any feedback or questions asked by followers.

Just part of the process really isn’t it.

7.Encourage others to share my blog if they think it will help others they know.

I have read many forum entries from various places. They have been eye-opening and therapeutic. I truly hope that my blog will be able to help others who have I think they may be heading in the same direction as myself in their past or current relationships.

OKAY I’m going to start with these 7 criteria. My official opening will start tomorrow I think (I’ll still be blogging later I’m sure, but tomorrow will be the 4 week mark when all this started. Oct 13, 2011. Hope to get some good followers in the mean time.

This is a little scary now…I know I can delete this post once it’s up but really not sure how many people may read this,. Oh well. It’s all part of the healing process.

  1. jlords says:

    Hey bro, what an awesome way to receive healing. The Bible often talks about release through confession and I could only imagine the weight lifted off of your shoulders right now. The best part of your story bro is that you don’t leave any detail out – you’re completely honest in everything you’re saying and I think you’re due credit for that. Although others might moan about the way in which you done things, I commend you in your efforts to let others know how to deal with such issues because I can guarantee that you are not the first.

    If I have one suggestion, I would advise that you seek the Lord for wisdom and strength throughout this period of abstinence. Revisit your faith and see whether this will help you in your efforts to undo the so called “bad habits” that you have created over time.

    Lastly, in Proverbs 3:5 it says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths”.

    Many blessings,


    • jlords. Thank you bro, It is funny how you were able to see my faith through all this AND Im sure you will be happy to know that my faith in God is even stronger than before. I have had great guidance through all this from two of my best friends who are both religious people. They have been my voice of reason and have constantly reminded me through my pain that God has something WONDERFUL waiting for me at the other end of all this. Maybe it’s my current ex OR maybe it’s someone else who i will be able to devote my life to and show how much I have will have changed after these 2 years.

      I am blessed to know that there are people like yourself in the world willing to share their support to me.


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