Day 1 of 730…

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Sunday November 13th 2011, it begins. This is my first day of my self-imposed exile from the relationship scene. It’s the weekend so not that big a deal. Just been reading relationship stuff online and talking to some good friends on Facebook. People talk about ‘getting out’ and doing things, anything, to take your mind off your worries. This is very true. I guess it’s just about cutting down the ‘thinking time’ about your ex. Today is 4 weeks exactly since our Breakup (Oct 13th). Thought this would be the best time to start, as It’s a date that I will not forget for the rest of my life. It’s easy to remember to cause she broke up with me 5 days after my birthday! 5 days after she spent the whole day hanging out with me and my two daughters.

M1 had only just met her, which was a big deal to me, as I had hidden our relationship from M1 for almost 4 years! M2 had met her a few months before and they got on really well. I had always told A that I wasn’t looking for a new mother for my daughters, but having them meet her would allow us more ‘public’ freedom in our relationship. Part of me thinks that even though she said she understood, that she started getting scared of our relationship becoming TOO serious? I’m not sure. And it’s easy to assume these things without any real proof. And as I’ve said before, A had probably left me emotionally a long time before she physically left me.

It’s a strange thing too. Even though I feel like the one who got dumped it was actually me that ended things. Heres the email that she originally sent to start our BU;

Pepe I really needed to tell you this, I haven’t been able to get it out.

I’ve been thinking about things for the past couple of days and I have to be honest with you.

I have been feeling things recently and its making me think about me, and us.

I love you so much. But I think that i have come to a point where im thinking about my future and what im going to do. I don’t want to make it seem that I don’t care anymore, because it’s not that.

I’m scared pepe. I’m scared about whats going to happen next.

I really don’t want to make you angry, or hate me. If anything I still want you in my life, if you do.

Please tell me how you feel or what you think and if you want to talk about it later.

I love you
A

So you can see that she doesn’t actually say we should breakup. She was very clever in her wording of this email. She knew how I would react and I did exactly that. I basically said FINE, we knew this was gonna happen, blah, blah, blah. So she got her way making her look like the ‘good guy’. That was until I found out about the other guy!

It still really hurts reading this email. It hurts as I believe she did have this all planned out. It hurts because what would she have done If I said “i don’t want to breakup with you” and “let’s work this out”. I feel she would’ve then told me about the guy to get her way. And the fact that she can say she still wants me in her life and love’s me. This was her last reply to my email;

I still really love you pepe. It isn’t to do with our relationship, because if I could I would stay with you forever. I just feel that I don’t want to let anything go past me.

It’s not that I want to be with anyone else either pepe.

I did enjoy hanging with your kids and I knew I wasn’t going to step in as being their Mum. They have amazing parents.

I still want to be part of your life if you will let me.

Do you want to talk about this later?

x

I don’t think I have to point out the parts that were obviously lies to try and not hurt me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Have to try and stop using this cliché. My responses were better than I thought. No begging just very matter of fact stuff. We knew that this was going to happen, can’t be your friend right now, maybe in the future, you gotta do what you gotta do. My begging emails came a few days later. They were very heartfelt and emotional. They fell on deaf ears. But who knows. Maybe when she has missed me during these last few weeks she has looked at them and made herself feel better? Who knows? I don’t.

Had massive HeartACHES last night. Don’t know why. Just kept smashing into my last night. Couldn’t control them. I said to my friend that maybe it was my heart subconsciously reacting to things that A may have been doing last night? Things that my heart OR her heart couldn’t take either? I remember saying to her that she would always have half my heart (The other half belongs to the mother of my children, M) and that’s exactly what it felt like. Half my heart was getting pounded. I know eventually the connection between us will loosen. Which is sad. And that’s what this 2 years is all about. Trying to heal these wounds. In a positive way.

It is so surprising to me how supportive friends and whanau have been. Sure there are some people I talk to who are like “there are plenty more fish in the sea!”, and I’ve always replied “But I don’t want any other fish”. Don’t worry, people have also told me to let A go and just move on. I understand where they are coming from. But everyone heals in their own way. This is going to be my way. After these 2 years of healing I hope to be the person that people, including A, will see as a better improved me. Six Million Dollar Man styles, hard. And if A has forgotten me and moved on, I’ll be strong enough to be happy for her and finally be open to a loving relationship. Right now, that just wouldn’t be right for me.

I did think to myself “what if during this 2 year period A wants to reconcile?”…tough decision. But I would have to be strong and stick to my timetable. By the time that this ends she will be 2 years older and wiser. True, she may have moved on anyway. That’s were my faith comes into play. I know that I was A’s first BIG love (even though I helped destroy it too) and you never forget your true love. If I can give her the enough time and space she MAY look back and think “well maybe he is the one for me?” or obviously the opposite, “Nah, he was a dick to me when we were together and he’s not going to change!”. Love is a complicated circle of fire really.

What to do on my first day of 735? Got to get up and go to the gym. This gets hard as we use to train together all the time too. Broke my rule of not snooping a few days back and saw her fb pic. Just had a pic of her and a female mate out on the town. That hurt. Checked her tumblr too. First article I read was about her quitting the gym! Said she had to try and save money. Don’t know if that was the reason though. I still go to the gym near her whare, not all the time maybe once a week as it’s close to where my daughters live with their mum. So maybe she wanted to quit cause she might see me OR one of my good mates who goes to the gym too? Again, don’t know! Anyway. Gym then going to watch M1 at her end of your dance school performance. That always makes me feel proud to be a dad. Be sitting with my ex, which has never really been an issue, especially now she has a man. Then what? Maybe go for a hikoi (walk) around our town lake. It’s nice there and takes up another hour in the day. Trying hard to find things that I can do for free that will use my time up. Night times are always hard, that’s when A and I would spend most of our time together on the weekends as I usually had my daughters during the day time. During the weekdays it was mostly night times too as I was at work and she was studying.

Trying not to think about her up and coming departure overseas to see her new man. That part is KILLING me. Really just want this year to end. bring on 2012 please.

Got a pre-screening phone interview for a teaching job in the UAE (United Arab Emirates) on Tuesday. If things go well I will have an in-person interview this Friday in Auckland. So fingers crossed! I personally feel I’m due for some good news! Well will most likely blog later to recap on Day 1 of 730…

Comments
  1. […] Day 1 of 735… (2yearsofhealing.wordpress.com) […]

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