Heart-Pains

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Best word to describe the feeling when I think about my ex and realise that she is starting a new relationship with someone else. It’s a quick pain that makes my whole body shake. Just quickly, but very sharp. The heart and the mind are intimately connected. My hands actually start reaching out for something that isn’t there. As if I am reaching out for help, not my ex…or maybe it’s both. How can any sane person handle these heart-pains? I have read how some people can’t so they use drugs to make them forget or feel ‘happier’. That’s not the answer for me. Drugs will only mask the real pain I am feeling. It is tough but I know I have to accept the pain, understand why it’s hurting and then let it pass on.

My mind won’t stop thinking about what my ex ‘may’ have done with this guy before I found out and what they are ‘going’ to do when she flys off to see him at the end of the week. Hell I don’t even know if she still is going to see him. But the last time we talked she was certain she was going to see him. As I have mentioned before, I don’t hold any anger towards him, my ex never mentioned me to him. I guess this is one of the issues that happens when we never had full closure on our relationship. Only some stuff was said. So there was not enough data for me to process and understand.

And I bet you are all still wondering why I can’t stop thinking about her? For anyone else who has been in this situation you can understand that there is no”emotional switch” that can be turned off and on. If there was we wouldn’t need those drugs and relationship counsellors would we? Some people do a better job of holding up to the pain. But then that makes me question if they actually ever had a true connection with their partner. I spoke to my mum a few days ago about something that had just been in the news. It happened a few months back now but the trial had just recently finished. This well-known person, rich, succesful was told by his wife of many years that she was leaving him. He obviously could not handle the emotions associated with this pain and decided he would end her life. I said to my mum; “I can see (not understand, as I have not once thought about killing my ex) how, if not handled with care and compassion, the pain and emotions he was feeling took over his senses and made him do something unthinkable” Sure, it doesn’t justify what he did, but I can see how it happened.

Everyone handles these situations differently. Some find solace at the bottom of an alcohol bottle. Others, under the covers of someone elses bed. Some even decide to start a self-imposed abstinence journey! What ever your choice, you have to think long and hard about the consequences of your actions. I have had that time. I have made that decision with open eyes. It’s not really that scary. I am confident that for me, this is the right decision.

I thought about it today, as I was walking in town looking at some very attractive women, what would I do if my ex decided to come back to me within this 2 year time frame? Simple, ask her if she could wait until this time of healing was finished! Whether it be A or someone else that came along during this time, if they truly believed that I was someone they could love OR learn to love again then they would be more than happy to wait. People seem to jump too quickly into another persons arms when they are left behind by their ex, especially when that ex is leaving for someone else. You’ve all heard about the ‘rebound’ relationships too. Some don’t last long, some last longer, some last forever. I can’t say where my ex’s relationship is going to go. All I know is that there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wish there was, and I know I have tried. But in the end I have to let her find out for herself. It hurts, no doubt and I wish we could’ve ended things better. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it.

So for now the Heart-Pains remain. It’s going to be a struggle, but I hope this blog AND your support will help me heal.

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