Moving on…

Posted: November 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

So how the heck do you move on? I was at the gym yesterday and have started to notice that there are more and more blondes around (ex is blonde). There was one particular wahine (female) at the gym who had a beautiful body and a pretty face too. I was very impressed. My natural instinct was to try and catch her eye as much as I could. I didn’t do that, however I did revert to just clawing at her with my eyes as I went to the water fountain. All I could think about was my promise I had made here on my blog…and strangely my ex?? Still don’t understand it. We aren’t together. She is going to hook up with someone else. And yet here I am feeling some sense of ‘guilt’ after leering at some female in the gym?? Weird.

It feels like my innate sense of loyalty just dosen’t want to move on from A. Even though she has moved on from me.

I have been a regular visitor to an online forum which is very, very popular. It’s where people with lots of different situation go to share and get advice from others who are in the same boat, or have been, as them. They all talk about moving on from you ex and letting time heal your wounds. Non contact or NC has become the Mantra of this forum too. People have given plenty of different reasons why they think NC works. Some say it makes your ex miss you more cause they want to know what you are doing and what you are up to. Others say it’s great because then you can start focussing on yourself and not trying to chase your ex. There are other versions too. Non Initiated Contact or NIC and Limited Contact or LC. Lots of little acronyms for you there. All of them have their benefits. I think it just depends on your own situation and thought process. For my own process I have mentioned it before, I am doing a very LC process. This has been difficult as each time I have sent something to A, which has only been twice in the past 4 weeks, I have been weary that she may just look at this points of contact as me trying to stop her from going overseas to see her new man. I can understand that. So I have adapted my process. I am going to send her another short email in a months time, which will coincide with me finishing work AND finishing my new Ta Moko (ill post photos here when it’s completed). Again the email will be short and to the point, explaining something I have learnt over the past few weeks about me, self-improvement, and giving her an open opportunity to reply. If she doesn’t reply, I just continue on with the process.

Sorry for repeating some of this stuff from my earlier blog, but you know how it is when you just get on a flow and want to try and get everything out!

Moving on is definitely easier said than done. Especially when you have made the choice that I have. Suppose to be going out tonight with some friends. Not really looking forward to it. Oh I love my mates they are part of the reason I have made it this far through my healing process. I guess it’s that fact that I’ll see all these really pretty young ladies (or old) and just feel numb cause none of them are A. I know, I know, let go and move on D. Move on…

  1. alegra22 says:

    You’re doing awesome, D.
    Just a thought on the ‘leering’, it would probably be good practice and help your greater commitment, to think about the women around you and shift your way of looking at them to thinking about how you’d want a man to treat your two beautiful daughters. Would you want them to be looked at appreciatively as beautiful, worthy women? Yes. Would you want someone grabbing them with their eyes? No. I only mention this because you’re dealing with changing your patterns/attitudes toward women in general and it seems to me that this is part of that greater picture of being able to interact/have the kind of relationship/integrity you want. Also, even if you think that you are doing this in an isolated/appropriate situation (say, the gym rather than at work) those actions stay with us long after…I promise you, when you leer at the gym, you can be standing at work and the women next to you will know that you’re one of those guys who gropes with his eyes!

  2. Good Point. The funny thing was me leering didn’t really tempt me to do anything more than just “admire from a far”. A perfect example was today. The recruitment lady who was checking our documents before the serious interview was actually quiet pretty. We had lovely conversations about the job and other stuff. I thought to myself “I wonder if she has a bf?”, I asked her when they were flying out she said Sunday. I thought “I wonder if she is doing anything later?”…fotunately it was just a thought as I knew I wouldn’t try anything like that…NOT the new me anyway…thanks for the advice though Alegra. Keep it coming my sister.

  3. jlords says:

    Hey bud,

    After reading your last few posts, I never knew how much you actually loved this woman. You sound like one of those puppies you get and you leave them in the laundry over night. They moan and groan all night saying “What the heck is my master doing not cuddling me all through the night? He’s supposed to be with me but he’s left me here all by myself. Come on.. get me out of here!!!” Your love for her is just as fresh since the day that you met her and it sounds like your in a lot of pain.

    The bible is clear about how to give your feelings to another. There’s this awesome proverb that says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life. It’s no wonder that you’re miserable because she has your heart and everything that reminds you off her pulls at your heart in some way or another.

    One practice that was common decades ago (many I’m sure) was remaining a virgin until marriage. Research shows (being a learned man like yourself) that pre-marital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret and emptiness. That’s because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it’s impossible to separate the two. Although you would not have found this with your other “hook-ups”, you’ve been drawn in to A’s spirit; not just her body and this may be why your connection is still very strong for her. I’m assuming that you felt this way with M at the very beginning of the relationship and even when you proposed to her. Obviously, you were at the highest point of your emotions when you and A split so it is going to take some time to heal. The good thing is that it sounds like you have amazing friends and family who love you and will be at your side during this storm.

    I pray that God will comfort you and provide you with the strength to get through this difficult time. May He open the doors for you to walk through and give you wisdom in the decisions that you make on this journey.

    Blessings bro,


  4. J,

    Your words could not have come at a better time. I have just come back from spending time with one of my best mates. A very honest, respectful and caring friend. I feel he is similar to you, both very honest in their love and faith with god.

    You have really understood the journey I am going through and you can see the pain I am in and recognised the ‘true’ love I have for A. Hence why i feel so much pain. I wish she could see how much I do love her, but sadly this will never happen.

    You blessings are important to me my friend and your support through my journey will give me even more comfort. Thank you J


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