Archive for December, 2011

How do you combat these?

These have been thrown at me from every angle. They never stop.

Just when I think things are getting better, some obstacle is placed in front of me. Either physically or emotionally. Physical ones can be ‘shifted’ or ‘fixed’. Emotional obstacles are a little more difficult.

I just found out today that my departure from NZ has been ‘delayed’. Through no fault of my own. Now this is great news for my whanau, but financially no so good for me. Major Obstacle. It has left me frustrated and disappointed as you can well imagine. But I am reminded of the quote “when life throws you lemons – make lemonade”, I tried this before, didn’t really work out that well. Turned into a liquid, soapy bubbly substance that fast a lot like sunlight liquid. So you can see why I am frustrated.

Then along come two friends. One I had not seen for a while and another who I worked with. AW has been a good friend of mine for a few years now. We have had some wonderful personal discussions over the years. Today we met up for lunch. She had mentioned we should catch up before I left. I didn’t think we would, purely because I know how busy she is. So for her to fit me in really meant a lot to me. We went and had lunch and had another great conversation about where both of us was heading this year. She shared and listened and I shared an listened.It was, I feel, exactly what both of us needed. Maybe she knew that? Or maybe it just happened to be a coincidence? But in the past few weeks most things have happened for a really good reason. JW has been another friend who has been in and out of my life over the past few years. We met at TC. I had shared a link for my blog with her a few weeks back and asked her to read it and let me know what she thought. It had taken a while  but she finally replied. Her thoughts where perfect timing for me. She had/has been through a similar ordeal but is further along time wise. her words were healing words. Words that I needed to read, just like my conversation with AW. I truly believe that God, again, wanted to see how I would react to further obstacles and barriers being placed in front of me. Then, happy with my redaction, giving me two amazing voices of support and comfort in AW and JW. Wonderful thought.

As I now adjust to waiting even longer than anticipated my resolve is strengthened. I know now that I will forever have that support from my friends and whanau AND God has my back regardless of what my mind and emotions may tell me sometimes. Gotta keep my head up and be thankful.

Hard to say goodbye…

Posted: December 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

It is never easy to say goodbye. It’s even worse when you know that  you may never see that person again.

I remember vividly the tears and emotions I had when A and I said goodbye to each other. I said things like “We won’t see each other again” and “I hope you are making the right decision”, very cliché and standard statements in hindsight, comes with the package of a mis-spent youth watching rom/coms I guess. This was in stark contrast to the livid, tirade of explicit language I threw at her only a few days before…a little more colourful than the statements written only one sentence before. I have wondered over the pass view weeks if she was confused about my intentions, regardless of the heartfelt emails I had sent her…actions speak louder than words, etc, etc…One day I’m ripping her to shreds AND the next day It’s like nothing even happened. I think I suffer from a Jekyll and Hyde syndrome or something. Usually my patience is great, but not when it comes to family and the ones I love.

I have had the opportunity to say goodbye to most of my good friends lately and I even had to say goodbye to some of my expensive assets. That was strange. I never thought I could get attached to a car! But as I discussed this with a friend, all those things are material objects which can be easily replaced. Friends and family on the other hand are a little different.

It is now Xmas Eve. I think this is making things even harder. Xmas is a time I LOVE and to my memory this is the first time I have felt a great sense of loss. I will still REALLY enjoy Xmas morning with my daughters, I love watching them get excited about their gifts and then spending the morning playing with what ever toys/gadgets they get. Brings a warm feeling to my heart. But always in the background I will be thinking about A and the Xmas times that we had together. I am able to manage these emotions better now so it doesn’t interfere with my ‘normal’ day.

How do you say goodbye to someone/something you don’t want to say goodbye too? A good friend of mine who is going through a similar situation right now asked me if I should contact A and let her know that I was leaving soon. I had briefly thought about this. He said it would be a good chance to say goodbye to her. A chance for her to say, possibly, anything she wanted to say. I thought about it then talked to EC the next day about this idea. We  came to the conclusion (along with DC) that keeping up with NC would be the best idea. We figured that A has had enough time and space to contact me (on a limited basis) if she really wanted to. A knows exactly how I feel about her and that I have basically laided all my feelings on the table for her to see. We agreed that A would not react the way I would want her to react either. What else would you think if you’re recent ex sent you and email or a card stating to you that they were moving overseas and just thought you would like to know?? It would look like a guilty shot at her or a last-ditch plea to get her back. Possibly. Maybe. That was one thing that made me think about making contact. The idea that I am making assumptions on things that I have no idea are happening or not. Assuming what A might say or do. But again how much time and energy do you put into a relationship that seems to be onesided…A has already answered that question for herself really.

I think for me that this is not so much a goodbye situation, but more one of those “see you later” situations. It’s hard to look into my crystal ball and see if A and I could ever be together again OR even if we could be friends again. She is the first ex that I have felt this way about. All my other ex’s I can talk too and would probably be able to sit down and have a hot chocolate. I guess for the simple reason that none of my past ex’s left me for someone else! I know this was only part of the reason though, but right now it still hurts.

So, going to leave things in God’s hands again. We have been doing a pretty good job in the pass few weeks together. Well mostly me doing all the talking. So, not goodbye just see you later. And MERRY XMAS!! Arohanui kia koutou katoa.

When I first started this blog I did think to myself that it was going to be difficult to blog all the time. I was right. If you have read my blogs from the beginning, you can easily see how ‘wordy’ the first few were and then the rest reduced in length. And then the inevitable happened – I ended up repeating an earlier post. Not word for word but almost!

So, each week I try to reflect on things that I have been doing and think about how I can use them in my blog. This weeks focus is on these two things: Change & Temptation.

For what ever reason this week has felt like week 2-3 after A and I broke up. I have had the heart pains again, strong urges to contact A, days where I feel like staying in bed and doing nothing…just a lot of sad emotions flooding back from everything that had happened. It was like I hadn’t even moved on after 2 months of healing. I had a chat with EC and she helped me make sense of these feelings. She reminded me of the huge changes that I had been going through and am still going through right now. Resigning from work, heading overseas to a new job, leaving my daughters/whanau/friends, selling my car and other gears too. A major change for most people really. And as my departure approaches my emotions are backflipping all over the place. Part of me knows this is the best decision for me; emotionally and financially. Yet part of me just doesn’t want to let go of the…safeness. familiarity, comfort of where I am now. I think that is another reason why I am still struggling with A leaving me. She created these feelings for me, along with the rest of my family and friends. I think this is something she never really knew I felt when we were together. A simple analogy for this would be like a puzzle that’s missing the last piece to complete it. A was part of my puzzle but I lost her so my puzzle can’t be finished/completed. Well not until I can find a new piece.

I guess that’s what single people do though. Try to find pieces to finish their own puzzles with. That makes sense to me. That’s why some people find change so difficult. If you have been using the same puzzle for so long why should you have to change it? Or find a new piece for it when all the pieces you have are perfect? Well for me, right now, it’s not about finding a new piece really. For me it’s about making sure that the pieces I have are fitting right and they are all comfortable where they are. If along my journey I manage to find a piece I feel might ‘fit’ then awesome, but I am definitely not actively seeking! Maybe that’s why I have been feeling strange too. My job and car had been a part of my puzzle so getting rid of them creates more missing pieces? Possibly. The funny thing about those is that they are materialistic things that can ALWAYS be replaced. I have to remind myself of that fact. Family can not be replaced. Some friends can. And of course partners can be too. Some people find the latter easy to do, as in move on and think nothing of their ex. I am not one of them. Every relationship I have had in my life I can remember all of their names. I can remember specific things that made them attractive to me. And of course I remember all the things that I hated about them. And yet still I kept looking for the same type of puzzles.

What about temptation how has that been working this past week? As mentioned earlier, I have had those strong urges to get in contact with A. And wondering if she even knows that I’m going overseas? Luckily I have been able to handle these urges. I have also been tempted to just go out and find someone to make me feel good. I’m leaving soon so there wouldn’t be any strong connection. Well that’s what my old self would try and convince me to do. I have fought this temptation and won. Still feeling the loneliness though. That’s one of the tough parts in trying not to give into temptation…and trying to deliver me from evil! Indecision has been a monster I have been plagued with all my life so many times in the past week/s it has made me think about these massive changes going on in my life. And whether or not they are the right decisions too. Hence the temptation to just go back to status quo! Too many times people take the easy way out. Too many times I have taken the easy way and have given into temptation and NOT changed my ways. I’m living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks, even when the old dog knows the tricks already!

As my final few days count down and I think more and more about the MASSIVE challenge/s I have coming up, the more and more I feel the fear…the fear of giving up, the fear of not changing and giving into temptation, the fear I might not succeed in what I am trying to do. Make myself a better person. Make myself a better son/brother. Make myself a better partner.

Breaking Bad Habits…66 days?

Posted: December 11, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Can be done. But it’s definitely not easy.

Apparently, while reading some research on this matter, 66 days is how long it takes to make something a habit. So that would mean I have another 2 weeks or so to have made my ‘non-playeresque’ ways a habit. Problem is, like anything in life, you need to be able to practice them on someone/something. Which is obviously hard when you are single!

I guess in a way I have been practicing on friends of the opposite sex. I am still flirtatious, still undecided on how bad a behaviour this is. People have always commented on my charismatic ways, being a flirt seems to be part of this. But I guess it depends on what is said and in the context of the conversation. I have had conversations recently with female friends that have been laced with sexual innuendo. humorous tone and context, but while I was in these conversations I was thinking; “Is this a negative behaviour?” Yes, I still respected these female friends and we all had a great laugh about everything that was being said. BUT I was challenging myself with this question.

Breaking Bad Habits is basically changing you as a person. Assuming that you have identified these habits as Bad then getting rid of them should help create a better person. Right? Then what if you start having self-arguments about them being OK or not as bad as I may think? These are the exact feelings I have been having recently. EAC and I had a quick conversation last night and the whole good vs evil decisions was mentioned. She used a great analogy about decision making. If the decisions you make seem to bring you closer to God and a positive way of life then the decision must be GOOD. If the decisions you make seem logical and make sense but take you further away from God then they must be EVIL. This made sense to me. Many times in my life I was able to justify logical decisions I made, convincing  myself that they were the RIGHT decision to make. Then in hindsight realising that they weren’t the right decision, as the inevitable outcome was never positive. The journey towards the outcome was GREAT but the end result was always TERRIBLE.

It’s like my decision to head overseas. SO many people have tried to convince me that this is a bad decision. People have asked me; “Do you think you are just running away?”, without hesitation I reply “Absolutely!” I’m not living in a fantasy world. My decision to go overseas was not taken lightly. My decision makes absolute sense to me. People too quickly forget that at the end of the day I am the one who is left all alone at night. I am the one who has to keep motivated when there is no one else around. I am the one who has the power to start breaking these bad habits. No one else can do this for me. But my decision to head overseas has financial benefits for me and my whanau too. It it didn’t then I wouldn’t be going at all.

I know that I have already started BBH. I always say goodnight to my whanau now. I make sure to tell them how much I love them and mean it. I try to spend as much time just hanging out with them (which has been hard). I have also tried to make sure my friends know how much they mean to me. And I make sure to ALWAYS say thank you for even the tiniest bit of help from friends and strangers. It’s something I have always done but now I make even more of an effort. 66 days sounds like a long time BUT lets just remember I’ve got almost 2 years to change these Bad Habits too.

 

Feels a lot longer than that, but yip, almost 2 months have passed since A (well technically me) decided that our relationship was so crap she needed to find a way for me to end it. I have come a very long way since then, but looking at the big picture I’m just on the sidelines right now warming up and stretching!

I have found comfort in my whanau and friends. But have found it hard going in the afternoons, trying to fill up time so I can just go to bed and start a new day. I have spent many afternoons hanging out with an old friend and her whanau. They have been amazing. I don’t think they truly realise how much they have helped fill in that empty space that A has left behind. Just having other people around to talk to and do stuff with has helped so much. I think what I enjoy the most is the company of females. Not so much as the ‘physical’ company but more so just having conversations with the opposite sex.

My friends daughter JE has been a cool wahine to hangout with. She knows all about my situation too. We have had some great conversations too. Especially about her and her relationship with her bf. She voiced different concerns and frustrations about her relationship, not terrible things, just normal relationship stuff. I encouraged her (using my situation as an example) to just talk to her man about how she was feeling. She did and they managed to work a few things out. I basically said to her “If you care for him then you should be open and honest about how you are feeling so you don’t create a whole lot of resentment towards him”…something like that anyway.

I have been concerned that I might be repeating patterns I have done in the past, eg; attracting females in vulnerable situations and then emotionally manipulating them. JE and I get on really well, but this seems to be a historical thing too. Many of the female friends I have had in my life have been the same star sign as me. We are very similar in mindset and habits so it makes it easier for us to connect as friends. The late 2011 me would’ve used this to my own advantage. I guess in a way I am ‘using’ this relationship to fill in the void of loneliness I have, but I have been making sure to keep this a positive, plutonic relationship and nothing more. It has been hard though. Very difficult indeed. Breaking bad habits is tough.

I can identify ALL my negative behaviour patterns (there’s tons). I can tell everyone and anyone exactly what they are. I can now even explain why most of these patterns exist. But I still find it VERY hard to stop doing them!!

I said goodbye to all my workmates yesterday. That was really weird. I wasn’t really sad and I wasn’t really happy either. I didn’t know exactly how to feel about my departure. One of my very close mates said to me “Bro you have an awesome Aahua” I asked him what that was. He explained that Aahua was like your aura or your presence. I couldn’t thank him enough. When I looked at it more he was really commenting on my ‘character’, who I am as a person. He said that he would not have made it through his first year at kura without me there. This made me feel very proud to have him as a friend. He reminded me of the real positive behaviours I have too. In particular the “making people feel really good about themselves” behaviour. Making people feel valued even when they maybe thinking they are worthless. I started to think a little more about the cool things I have done. I have helped many students get into university courses and gain scholarships, not just on my own, but I know that I have played a huge part in helping them achieve this. Yes even A is a part of this list.

How do I feel 2 months on? Well, better. Still find some days hard. Still miss her heaps. And still think about her everyday. Wonder what 2 months from now will be like???

(KNEW this would happen sometime soon…DJ REPEAT. Some of this stuff has been repeated from another post. Still important though so I’m gonna leave it up…sometimes it takes a few times to make things a habit though!)

That empty feeling…

Posted: December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

It’s hard not to feel empty in this situation. Someone you spent 4 years of your life with and lived with for almost 3 years has suddenly gone. My massive bed seems even bigger now. It’s even hard to type this without feeling tears coming on. Just when you thought your tears had all dried up. I look around my room and picture her standing, lying down, sitting on the couch, just chilling out doing her thing. It makes my heartache. I think about all the good times we had here and vividly remember all the BIG arguments we had. I can count them on one hand.

I just had to move out of my room to continue this blog…Lots of emotions came flowing back, too many for me to handle.

Now I’m in our dinning room, not too many memories here for me to get emotionally about. So I can hopefully finish this off.

What do you fill this empty feeling with? I’ve been doing everything that family and friends have suggested. Keeping busy, which is hard when school is starting to wind down, two weeks to go.

CONTINUED…

Just found this in my draft posts…Read through it and realise how much I have improved in 10 days. Crazy. Time does help heal BUT the heartache and emptiness still remain.

My wonderful daughters are staying this weekend. Which actually doesn’t happen that often. Only happens when M can’t find any other babysitters. I don’t care anyway cause it will most likely be the last weekend that my daughters will actually sleep over before I head overseas. I look at my daughters and remind myself of how lucky I am to have two such special human beings in my life. Their love does help me feel better. But sadly it only partially fills up my emptiness.

I only have 1  1/2 more days left at work. We are heading off to school camps Mon-Wed. M1 is on my camp with me, which is very cool. My last few weeks will be spent hanging out with my daughters as much as possible. Making sure they know I won’t be gone for long and making sure they know why I need to go. People have been constantly saying to me “What about your daughters?”…it’s surprising how little people know about my situation with my daughters mother. I feel like a broken record sometimes!

I have been trying to fill up by afternoons by visiting a really good friend of mine and her family. They are wonderful people and unbeknown to them they have helped me get through my evenings of loneliness. I’ll make sure to tell them before I go. I don’t want them to feel awkward about things. Great family. What has been strange though is the conversations I have had with their daughter. She is very cool and we have lots of things in common. We have talked about her situation with her boyfriend. She is in a similar situation to the one the A and I were in. She is the same age as A and has spent a short time overseas. She had an amazing experience while working in the UK. And experience that not many people would ever go through. It helped mature her quickly. She wants to go back to the UK and do some more travelling, but is ‘stuck’ as her man needs to finish sorting out his apprenticeship. Fair enough. I offered her some friendly advice. I explained my current situation and things that I believed led up to what happened. I told her that she sounded just like (I belive) A was feeling. Stuck.

I encouraged her to talk to her man about how she was feeling. They had a good conversation. They both seemed to make some honest comments about where each other wanted to go, etc. I said that really cool and it’s good to know what’s on each others minds. When you don’t know what your significant other is thinking about, you’re heading for a world of trouble and hurt. Sometimes your SO doesn’t want to hurt you so withholds information. This is just another way of saying they are ‘lying’. This is what has happened to me. Both A and I were withholding so much information neither of us really knew what was going on. We could only see things that were happening on the surface.

This is what keeps feeding my empty feeling. The fact that A had started planning a future without me in it. That she had already planned on leaving and kept that information from me. Hence me really pushing my friend’s daughter into communicating with her partner what was going on in her mind. I really hope that things are going to work out for her and her man. I would love to think that I might even be a part of saving their relationship. I really hope I don’t make things worse though. I must admit it has been nice having a female friendship over the past couple of days we have been hanging out and talking. It does make me wonder if I can hold out for 2 years. I look towards my ta moko OFTEN which helps remind me of what I need to do AND what I promised to do from the beginning of this blog.

For now this empty feeling will stick around for a little while. But I now know that I have the willpower to keep pushing through AND I know that I have plenty of really good friends out there who are more than willing to help me. Sick of this empty feeling and Sick of missing A so much..Not gonna give up though.