That empty feeling…

Posted: December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

It’s hard not to feel empty in this situation. Someone you spent 4 years of your life with and lived with for almost 3 years has suddenly gone. My massive bed seems even bigger now. It’s even hard to type this without feeling tears coming on. Just when you thought your tears had all dried up. I look around my room and picture her standing, lying down, sitting on the couch, just chilling out doing her thing. It makes my heartache. I think about all the good times we had here and vividly remember all the BIG arguments we had. I can count them on one hand.

I just had to move out of my room to continue this blog…Lots of emotions came flowing back, too many for me to handle.

Now I’m in our dinning room, not too many memories here for me to get emotionally about. So I can hopefully finish this off.

What do you fill this empty feeling with? I’ve been doing everything that family and friends have suggested. Keeping busy, which is hard when school is starting to wind down, two weeks to go.

CONTINUED…

Just found this in my draft posts…Read through it and realise how much I have improved in 10 days. Crazy. Time does help heal BUT the heartache and emptiness still remain.

My wonderful daughters are staying this weekend. Which actually doesn’t happen that often. Only happens when M can’t find any other babysitters. I don’t care anyway cause it will most likely be the last weekend that my daughters will actually sleep over before I head overseas. I look at my daughters and remind myself of how lucky I am to have two such special human beings in my life. Their love does help me feel better. But sadly it only partially fills up my emptiness.

I only have 1  1/2 more days left at work. We are heading off to school camps Mon-Wed. M1 is on my camp with me, which is very cool. My last few weeks will be spent hanging out with my daughters as much as possible. Making sure they know I won’t be gone for long and making sure they know why I need to go. People have been constantly saying to me “What about your daughters?”…it’s surprising how little people know about my situation with my daughters mother. I feel like a broken record sometimes!

I have been trying to fill up by afternoons by visiting a really good friend of mine and her family. They are wonderful people and unbeknown to them they have helped me get through my evenings of loneliness. I’ll make sure to tell them before I go. I don’t want them to feel awkward about things. Great family. What has been strange though is the conversations I have had with their daughter. She is very cool and we have lots of things in common. We have talked about her situation with her boyfriend. She is in a similar situation to the one the A and I were in. She is the same age as A and has spent a short time overseas. She had an amazing experience while working in the UK. And experience that not many people would ever go through. It helped mature her quickly. She wants to go back to the UK and do some more travelling, but is ‘stuck’ as her man needs to finish sorting out his apprenticeship. Fair enough. I offered her some friendly advice. I explained my current situation and things that I believed led up to what happened. I told her that she sounded just like (I belive) A was feeling. Stuck.

I encouraged her to talk to her man about how she was feeling. They had a good conversation. They both seemed to make some honest comments about where each other wanted to go, etc. I said that really cool and it’s good to know what’s on each others minds. When you don’t know what your significant other is thinking about, you’re heading for a world of trouble and hurt. Sometimes your SO doesn’t want to hurt you so withholds information. This is just another way of saying they are ‘lying’. This is what has happened to me. Both A and I were withholding so much information neither of us really knew what was going on. We could only see things that were happening on the surface.

This is what keeps feeding my empty feeling. The fact that A had started planning a future without me in it. That she had already planned on leaving and kept that information from me. Hence me really pushing my friend’s daughter into communicating with her partner what was going on in her mind. I really hope that things are going to work out for her and her man. I would love to think that I might even be a part of saving their relationship. I really hope I don’t make things worse though. I must admit it has been nice having a female friendship over the past couple of days we have been hanging out and talking. It does make me wonder if I can hold out for 2 years. I look towards my ta moko OFTEN which helps remind me of what I need to do AND what I promised to do from the beginning of this blog.

For now this empty feeling will stick around for a little while. But I now know that I have the willpower to keep pushing through AND I know that I have plenty of really good friends out there who are more than willing to help me. Sick of this empty feeling and Sick of missing A so much..Not gonna give up though.

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