Almost 2 months on…

Posted: December 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Feels a lot longer than that, but yip, almost 2 months have passed since A (well technically me) decided that our relationship was so crap she needed to find a way for me to end it. I have come a very long way since then, but looking at the big picture I’m just on the sidelines right now warming up and stretching!

I have found comfort in my whanau and friends. But have found it hard going in the afternoons, trying to fill up time so I can just go to bed and start a new day. I have spent many afternoons hanging out with an old friend and her whanau. They have been amazing. I don’t think they truly realise how much they have helped fill in that empty space that A has left behind. Just having other people around to talk to and do stuff with has helped so much. I think what I enjoy the most is the company of females. Not so much as the ‘physical’ company but more so just having conversations with the opposite sex.

My friends daughter JE has been a cool wahine to hangout with. She knows all about my situation too. We have had some great conversations too. Especially about her and her relationship with her bf. She voiced different concerns and frustrations about her relationship, not terrible things, just normal relationship stuff. I encouraged her (using my situation as an example) to just talk to her man about how she was feeling. She did and they managed to work a few things out. I basically said to her “If you care for him then you should be open and honest about how you are feeling so you don’t create a whole lot of resentment towards him”…something like that anyway.

I have been concerned that I might be repeating patterns I have done in the past, eg; attracting females in vulnerable situations and then emotionally manipulating them. JE and I get on really well, but this seems to be a historical thing too. Many of the female friends I have had in my life have been the same star sign as me. We are very similar in mindset and habits so it makes it easier for us to connect as friends. The late 2011 me would’ve used this to my own advantage. I guess in a way I am ‘using’ this relationship to fill in the void of loneliness I have, but I have been making sure to keep this a positive, plutonic relationship and nothing more. It has been hard though. Very difficult indeed. Breaking bad habits is tough.

I can identify ALL my negative behaviour patterns (there’s tons). I can tell everyone and anyone exactly what they are. I can now even explain why most of these patterns exist. But I still find it VERY hard to stop doing them!!

I said goodbye to all my workmates yesterday. That was really weird. I wasn’t really sad and I wasn’t really happy either. I didn’t know exactly how to feel about my departure. One of my very close mates said to me “Bro you have an awesome Aahua” I asked him what that was. He explained that Aahua was like your aura or your presence. I couldn’t thank him enough. When I looked at it more he was really commenting on my ‘character’, who I am as a person. He said that he would not have made it through his first year at kura without me there. This made me feel very proud to have him as a friend. He reminded me of the real positive behaviours I have too. In particular the “making people feel really good about themselves” behaviour. Making people feel valued even when they maybe thinking they are worthless. I started to think a little more about the cool things I have done. I have helped many students get into university courses and gain scholarships, not just on my own, but I know that I have played a huge part in helping them achieve this. Yes even A is a part of this list.

How do I feel 2 months on? Well, better. Still find some days hard. Still miss her heaps. And still think about her everyday. Wonder what 2 months from now will be like???

(KNEW this would happen sometime soon…DJ REPEAT. Some of this stuff has been repeated from another post. Still important though so I’m gonna leave it up…sometimes it takes a few times to make things a habit though!)

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