Change & Temptation

Posted: December 18, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

When I first started this blog I did think to myself that it was going to be difficult to blog all the time. I was right. If you have read my blogs from the beginning, you can easily see how ‘wordy’ the first few were and then the rest reduced in length. And then the inevitable happened – I ended up repeating an earlier post. Not word for word but almost!

So, each week I try to reflect on things that I have been doing and think about how I can use them in my blog. This weeks focus is on these two things: Change & Temptation.

For what ever reason this week has felt like week 2-3 after A and I broke up. I have had the heart pains again, strong urges to contact A, days where I feel like staying in bed and doing nothing…just a lot of sad emotions flooding back from everything that had happened. It was like I hadn’t even moved on after 2 months of healing. I had a chat with EC and she helped me make sense of these feelings. She reminded me of the huge changes that I had been going through and am still going through right now. Resigning from work, heading overseas to a new job, leaving my daughters/whanau/friends, selling my car and other gears too. A major change for most people really. And as my departure approaches my emotions are backflipping all over the place. Part of me knows this is the best decision for me; emotionally and financially. Yet part of me just doesn’t want to let go of the…safeness. familiarity, comfort of where I am now. I think that is another reason why I am still struggling with A leaving me. She created these feelings for me, along with the rest of my family and friends. I think this is something she never really knew I felt when we were together. A simple analogy for this would be like a puzzle that’s missing the last piece to complete it. A was part of my puzzle but I lost her so my puzzle can’t be finished/completed. Well not until I can find a new piece.

I guess that’s what single people do though. Try to find pieces to finish their own puzzles with. That makes sense to me. That’s why some people find change so difficult. If you have been using the same puzzle for so long why should you have to change it? Or find a new piece for it when all the pieces you have are perfect? Well for me, right now, it’s not about finding a new piece really. For me it’s about making sure that the pieces I have are fitting right and they are all comfortable where they are. If along my journey I manage to find a piece I feel might ‘fit’ then awesome, but I am definitely not actively seeking! Maybe that’s why I have been feeling strange too. My job and car had been a part of my puzzle so getting rid of them creates more missing pieces? Possibly. The funny thing about those is that they are materialistic things that can ALWAYS be replaced. I have to remind myself of that fact. Family can not be replaced. Some friends can. And of course partners can be too. Some people find the latter easy to do, as in move on and think nothing of their ex. I am not one of them. Every relationship I have had in my life I can remember all of their names. I can remember specific things that made them attractive to me. And of course I remember all the things that I hated about them. And yet still I kept looking for the same type of puzzles.

What about temptation how has that been working this past week? As mentioned earlier, I have had those strong urges to get in contact with A. And wondering if she even knows that I’m going overseas? Luckily I have been able to handle these urges. I have also been tempted to just go out and find someone to make me feel good. I’m leaving soon so there wouldn’t be any strong connection. Well that’s what my old self would try and convince me to do. I have fought this temptation and won. Still feeling the loneliness though. That’s one of the tough parts in trying not to give into temptation…and trying to deliver me from evil! Indecision has been a monster I have been plagued with all my life so many times in the past week/s it has made me think about these massive changes going on in my life. And whether or not they are the right decisions too. Hence the temptation to just go back to status quo! Too many times people take the easy way out. Too many times I have taken the easy way and have given into temptation and NOT changed my ways. I’m living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks, even when the old dog knows the tricks already!

As my final few days count down and I think more and more about the MASSIVE challenge/s I have coming up, the more and more I feel the fear…the fear of giving up, the fear of not changing and giving into temptation, the fear I might not succeed in what I am trying to do. Make myself a better person. Make myself a better son/brother. Make myself a better partner.

Comments
  1. esccmedia says:

    Good work on not giving into temptation, bro! It doesn’t make you feel any better afterwards – if it does, it’s never for long. Can trust me on that one.

  2. Thanks for the comment my bro. It has been tough, and it’s good to have a reminder of the decisions we make. The harder the decision the bigger the reward…I think!

  3. Fear is probably the healthiest response at this stage – it is like one of those laws of growth (hang with me here, my thoughts are being jumbled by children pretending to snore into my back, using my body as a racetrack, and puttings plastic animals in my hair) – part of knowing you are on the right track is that you feel an edge of discomfort, you’re being challenged. To use a training analogy – without that pain, pushing yourself to that edge of discomfort but not injury, you won’t transform your body – just know that you have all of us who love you spotting you and cheering you on and making sure you stay course. Kia kaha, bro. You are not alone. Every step you take forward blesses all of us – more than you probably realize.

    • Amen. Fear is something that has actually motivated me in the past to do better than I had/have done previously in whatever I choose to do. Fear is a healthy response. I know that now and am never going to forget it either! I appreciate the love you have for me and the support you have given too me.

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