Hard to say goodbye…

Posted: December 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

It is never easy to say goodbye. It’s even worse when you know that  you may never see that person again.

I remember vividly the tears and emotions I had when A and I said goodbye to each other. I said things like “We won’t see each other again” and “I hope you are making the right decision”, very cliché and standard statements in hindsight, comes with the package of a mis-spent youth watching rom/coms I guess. This was in stark contrast to the livid, tirade of explicit language I threw at her only a few days before…a little more colourful than the statements written only one sentence before. I have wondered over the pass view weeks if she was confused about my intentions, regardless of the heartfelt emails I had sent her…actions speak louder than words, etc, etc…One day I’m ripping her to shreds AND the next day It’s like nothing even happened. I think I suffer from a Jekyll and Hyde syndrome or something. Usually my patience is great, but not when it comes to family and the ones I love.

I have had the opportunity to say goodbye to most of my good friends lately and I even had to say goodbye to some of my expensive assets. That was strange. I never thought I could get attached to a car! But as I discussed this with a friend, all those things are material objects which can be easily replaced. Friends and family on the other hand are a little different.

It is now Xmas Eve. I think this is making things even harder. Xmas is a time I LOVE and to my memory this is the first time I have felt a great sense of loss. I will still REALLY enjoy Xmas morning with my daughters, I love watching them get excited about their gifts and then spending the morning playing with what ever toys/gadgets they get. Brings a warm feeling to my heart. But always in the background I will be thinking about A and the Xmas times that we had together. I am able to manage these emotions better now so it doesn’t interfere with my ‘normal’ day.

How do you say goodbye to someone/something you don’t want to say goodbye too? A good friend of mine who is going through a similar situation right now asked me if I should contact A and let her know that I was leaving soon. I had briefly thought about this. He said it would be a good chance to say goodbye to her. A chance for her to say, possibly, anything she wanted to say. I thought about it then talked to EC the next day about this idea. We  came to the conclusion (along with DC) that keeping up with NC would be the best idea. We figured that A has had enough time and space to contact me (on a limited basis) if she really wanted to. A knows exactly how I feel about her and that I have basically laided all my feelings on the table for her to see. We agreed that A would not react the way I would want her to react either. What else would you think if you’re recent ex sent you and email or a card stating to you that they were moving overseas and just thought you would like to know?? It would look like a guilty shot at her or a last-ditch plea to get her back. Possibly. Maybe. That was one thing that made me think about making contact. The idea that I am making assumptions on things that I have no idea are happening or not. Assuming what A might say or do. But again how much time and energy do you put into a relationship that seems to be onesided…A has already answered that question for herself really.

I think for me that this is not so much a goodbye situation, but more one of those “see you later” situations. It’s hard to look into my crystal ball and see if A and I could ever be together again OR even if we could be friends again. She is the first ex that I have felt this way about. All my other ex’s I can talk too and would probably be able to sit down and have a hot chocolate. I guess for the simple reason that none of my past ex’s left me for someone else! I know this was only part of the reason though, but right now it still hurts.

So, going to leave things in God’s hands again. We have been doing a pretty good job in the pass few weeks together. Well mostly me doing all the talking. So, not goodbye just see you later. And MERRY XMAS!! Arohanui kia koutou katoa.

Comments
  1. In the greater scheme of things, there is no ‘goodbye’, especially not with those that you are truly connected to – there are just times on the path when you are walking within hand-holding reach of one another and times when our paths are further away, but always, within waving distance. Both are full of rewards – when we are in close proximity we get the pleasure and joy of one another’s companionship, when we are far away, we reap the rewards of the other person’s discoveries from the journey to landscape we aren’t personally exploring.
    Luf you xxx

  2. Raniera says:

    Ae brotha! You in the right path, it’s not easy but it’s worth it in the long run. Kia kaha brotha!!

    • Kia Ora my bro. Just trying to keep focussed and keep moving on with the healing process. Gets lonely at times and have been met with MANY obstacles over the past few weeks challenging me about my decision. I’m thankful for your support bro.

  3. […] Hard to say goodbye… (2yearsofhealing.wordpress.com) […]

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