3 months on…

Posted: January 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

The title says everything really. It has felt a lot longer to me.

As part of my criteria I promised to make sure I blogged at least once a week, even if things were going well. They are going OK. I have always said previously in this blog that I know ‘time’ will help heal. Which of course it has. Still been getting those heart pains recently.Could be still after shocks from the last email I got. Even thought it didn’t really say much. Well it’s more than could be really, is definitely from that email! Fortunately I’m able to cope with it better than I was a few weeks back.

So where too now? Keep trying to change my negative behavior patterns. Had this discussion with MB and AB during the week. Explaining to them, briefly, about whats going on etc. They’ve been overseas for the past two years and just got back in the country. It was their wedding that I met NC, the young lady who was, as far as I can see, the catalyst to all this. Not her fault at all. She was just the final straw for A. Well that’s what I believe anyway.

AB asked me if I still felt the same about A. Asked if she came back right now and said she had made a mistake would I take her back? I said nope, I’ve started a journey now. Neither of us would’ve changed, though I know I have changed a lot recently, she would have not idea what I am doing or going through. Well that’s what I believe anyway.

It’s lovely to see MB and AM so happily married and in love. Makes me jealous. In a nice way though, not in a; “Man you guys make me wanna throw up!” way. It just reminds me of what I want in my next relationship. Just to be happy. For me and my partner to be happy. I guess that’s one place I’m heading too now with me and A. I have finally started to think about her decision and how positive it is for me, and her. Her finding someone else, in a very short space of time, was only made possible through my actions. I thought about it today, for a change, and decided that her love for me was so strong that the only way for her to ‘handle’ leaving me was to have someone else to leave too…Possibly. Maybe. She would’ve had to realized the pain, guilt, sadness she would go through. Maybe.

I’ve started think that she may have thought I would’ve been fine. I had always been the emotionally strong one. The one who put up a brick wall when it came to emotions. Except for anger. Not many people in the world have seen me truly angry. She, sadly was one of them. I am thankful that the last memory, I hope she took with her, was of my tears of sadness and regret over what had happened. I do wish that she could’ve told me ALL the reasons why this happened. My gut tells me everything I have posted in this blog is right on the money. But it would still be nice to know. My love for her is still very strong. The love of my daughters has now become ‘real’ again. When this first started nothing seemed to break through that sadness. Nothing.

I’ve gotta make sure to keep blogging. I just hate feeling so needy. Not use to asking for help. I’m usually the one helping others. Gotta change that too. It’s a journey.

  1. twoplustwo08 says:

    I too have a problem asking for help. In fact, the only reason I feel like I have my feet back under me is because I asked my sister to watch for signs that I needed help and not just wanted it. And because of that, because I asked before I needed it, she was there and then some when I no longer was handling things on my own. Its one of the harder things, to rely on people. The amazing part is, you know who truly cares for you when you do. They won’t be able to shoulder your burden, but they will help you walk until you can carry it on your on.

  2. Very true.I have mentioned this before in a previous post too. Going through this situation it has been great to see ‘real’ friends stand-up and support me. It lot’s of different ways too. And yet I still struggle with keeping that contact going with some of them now that things are getting better emotionally with me. Thanks for the reply too. Great feedback.

  3. I really hope you get through with this breakup loss. It’s such a terrible experience especialy when you are in love with the person. You’ll need the grace of God to pull through. I pray God sees you through and you emerge a better person for it all.

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