Archive for February, 2012

Started my new job today, covered in a blanket of anxiousness. It’s one thing to start a new job, but it’s a different kettle of fish when you are in another country and don’t speak the native language. I honestly thought this new challenge would be enough to keep my mind of A. It was and it wasn’t. The more anxious I became during the day, the more I started to think about her. It was like my brain was trying to ‘blame’ her for this feeling. That it was her fault that I was here and having these anxiety attacks. It makes sense that I see this connection.

It did make me wonder if this anxiousness would ever go away or subside. I truly believe it will. And yes I am well aware that TIME will help this happen.

I think you can attribute that feeling of anxiousness to a sense of ‘fear’. I always seem to get like his when there are unknown elements that I can’t control. It’s in my nature to want to control everything in my life. I constantly did this with A. Not always in a positive way. I myself helped create anxiousness within her during the end of our relationship. Well that’s what I believe anyway. Read back on my blog for more about this.

I hate this feeling so I always try to find a way to get rid of it. I had mentally prepared myself for this challenge. But you never know how you are going to react until you are knee deep in it. I really felt like I was going to drown in this sea of anxiousness today. And I did wonder if I had made the right decision to come and here and leave my ‘safe’ environment. I’ll have a few extra things to pray about tonight.

Anxiousness is definitely connected to my fears. Have to face them head on. I’ve done it before, just have to get up and do it again. Hopefully God’s listening again tonight.

That’s what I miss. Not so much the whole sexual contact. More so the hugs, cuddles and simple handholding contact. I’m a tactile kind of person.

I’ve been talking to my daughters almost everyday. It makes me happy that they are always so pleased to see and talk to me. If they weren’t I’d be really, really concerned. Being such a tactile person I need that physical contact. I miss cuddling my daughters. Having them jump up into my arms, well not so much M1 she is almost 16! But M2 loves running into my arms. M1 has been my babygirl for a very long time. I am blessed that she is so innocent and naive. She knows how much I love her. M2 is still only 7, I know she loves me, but she seems very relaxed about me being here. I guess that’s the whole age difference. Before I left I made sure that I spent as much time as I could keeping our physical contact strong, helping confirm my love for them.

That physical contact is different.

When A and I broke up I would sleep on her side of the bed, just to feel close to her. I didn’t really do that when we were together. I would drive in my car and reach across to the passenger seat with my hand and imagine that I was still holding her hand. It’s been hard not having that physical contact. I miss it.

I’ve found that the more connected you are the more amazing the physical contact feels. Again, it doesn’t have to be sexual contact.

I’m not really sure what I can do to make sure I don’t let this lack of physical contact mess with my resolve. Sins of the flesh and all.

It reminds me of what goes on here with local males. It is very acceptable in this culture for males to openly walk around holding hands. Very strange in most western cultures as this is seems as a ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ act. I’ve thought about this for a while. I believe it has to do with one simple thing. In islamic law it is forbidden for male and females to show public displays of affection. Sure you still see it happen here. But not often. Most of the working class here are males. Miles away from their families. They spend the majority of their time living and working with males. So I believe it’s something innate, in our blood to have physical contact with other human beings. Since they are unable to do that with females here, especially in public it becomes almost convenient for them to hold hands, etc in public. Makes sense right?

There in lies my conundrum. I’m not turning gay anytime soon and I can’t be in a relationship with someone for a few more months yet. How do I get this physical contact I seem to desperately need?

Yet another question for me to ponder on over the next few months.

I am bemused by my own (can’t think of a better word) libido. Here I am in another country preparing for a new job. With a million things to get sorted. And still I think of A. It has been over four-months now, which actually doesn’t sound that long. I have had plenty to reflect on and process. I have met many other people, especially here, that have been through similar situations. It’s great to make these connections. NS, a new American friend, shared his story with me. I felt privileged as I always do when people feel comfortable enough to do that.

So, back to my idea of ‘strange temptations’. Had the opportunity to play touch with one of the local rugby clubs. Afterwards we had a lovely BBQ. Here comes the strange temptation. There was a pretty, skinny, English possibly South African lady. Which sounds ‘attractive’. But by her appearance I would have to put her in the category of a (for lack of a better word) skank. Now obviously I am basing this on visual recognition. I didn’t talk to her and I didn’t ask anyone about her. Besides the obvious physical attraction she had two things that I do not find attractive at all. She was a chain smoker and was drinking like a fish. So strange temptation came into play. I couldn’t take my eyes off her even though those two things ‘seriously’ disgust me. I thought about my past relationships. Most of them have been kind-hearted, generous and loving people. And these are all traits that I love.

I tried to understand why.

Still not really sure.

The old me would’ve done anything possible to get her attention or initiate a conversation. The old me has gone. The new me just kept on reminding myself about the journey I am on. About the promises I have made to myself. But the temptation was there. Right now it’s One point to me and Zero to temptation. Four months down. Twenty to go.

I have lived a pretty good life. I have had experiences that most people only dream of and some people could never dream of. Life has been pretty good. I have been blessed. It’s only in the midst of pain can someone see how fortunate their life has really been. It’s only been through the heartache created by A leaving me that I have been able to reflect back on my life. I’m not gonna list off all the “cool” things I have done AND I am sure that some people out there would be thinking “what a dick” trying to say that his life has been better than mine. I guess I do suffer from a slight dose of narcism. But I can honestly say God has blessed my life in many, many ways.

Which brings me to the whole idea of pessimism. Everyone has their own reasons for the mindset they have about life. We blame our family, upbringing, our station in life, etc, etc. I think their is a very thin line between optimism and pessimism. Where one looks at all the positive things that may have happened in their life, the other only looks at the negative. During my 36 years 0f life I have met many of both.

The thing about both these types of people is that their ‘mindset’ or aura can rub off on you very easily. The more time you spend with them the more affected your mindset becomes. When you choose to hangout with optimistic people (OP) life feels good and you start to feel good about yourself. When you choose the opposite…well you get the picture. PP are not good for you. I have found this to be true in my own life. Everytime I have made a connection with PP I have always tried to change their mindset into a OP. Sometimes it works BUT most of the time it is too late. For various reasons they are lost to a life of Eternal Pessimism. We all know the saying “You reap what you sew”, this applies to both OP and PP. If you plant negative thoughts and feelings in your mind what else do you think is going to grow from that?

A perfect example of this and the reason why I thought of this blog is one of the teachers here. We all found out our placements two days ago. She has been placed in an area that most would consider “rural” over here. We had all been told during recruitment that we would most likely be placed there so be prepared. She is obviously a PP. She was approached by a lovely EMT I have met named CM who happens to be going to the same area. The other girl told her that she wasn’t happy and they (our employers) were not going to put her in a cave! How do you think that made CM feel! We all agreed that the other girl had obviously not come here with an OP mindset. She had already put up those negative barriers before she even stepped off the plane.

Sadly no one can change this type of mindset with out going through some kind of major change and it has to be HUGE. It has been for me. I make sure to keep my distance from these people. I can’t be their babysitters anymore. They need to take care of themselves. If they can’t see the help I offer thrown right in front of their faces then there is no point in beating a dead horse…No point.

I have always managed to have been really good at doing this in my life…but not always so good at keeping these relationships in a positive position. What I have started to do when meeting new people, which has happened often in the past few weeks is to ‘identify’ very quickly if I want to carry on any kind of relationship with someone. I no longer want to waste too much time giving people 3 changes (which seems to be the generic count now) to NOT annoy me or rub me up the wrong way. Trust me, Patience is a very strong virtue of mine.

I have met some wonderful people her in AD. It seems that these people will become life long friends. They have easily managed to get past the 3 strike system. AS a new friend I have met from America has been a revelation to my well being. We connected very quickly and we both have a similar story. Both of us are running away from our past relationships, trying to make things better and building ourselves into good people. It was a meeting of two minds and two souls..and please don’t get concerned about things AS is a guy! (this comment will make sense to those following my blog) We conversated for a few hours comparing our stories and our journey to AD. His journey has been going on for two more years than I though. And he is just NOW getting better. I have a feeling that my two year contract with myself and God was a good choice.

Building relationships is easy. Taking care of them is the difficult part. I have to learn to not be so stubborn. I have to learn that I am not always right. I have to understand that not everyone will think or feel the way I do…all the time. I have to let them know how much they mean to me, ALL THE TIME. I have to learn to compromise. I have to learn to share my time better. I have to let love grow. I have to let love be the basis to my relationship and let everything else flow. God’s gonna help with the rest I know this for sure.

Just gotta keep my focus on the goal…Nov 2013 is going to catch up soon I know. Gotta keep building those positive relationships. It’s what being part of the human race is all about!

So I typed up a seemingly short blog just 1 minute  ago. Pressed publish TWICE and nothing happened. So here I am on Arrival part2. Let’s see how much I can remember!

I sit here looking out of my hotel window in Abu Dahbi, 8 floors above the sandy metropolis. And I wonder to myself “How the heck did I get here?” Not only was it the breakup of A and I but it was also the motivation I had to move on and make positive changes in my life. All part of the master plan to heal myself and hopefully become a better version of myself. D 2.0.

I have been skyping and face timing my daughters almost everyday. Getting use to the 9 hours time difference we have separating us. It has been great. I know I would’ve found things much harder without this face to face communication. They are a constant reminder to me about what I need to do while I am here. I need to make sure that I achieve my goal of building a positive future for myself so that my daughters can have an even more positive future. I know that being here and make certain sacrifices will help me achieve this. And the longer I have been here the easier I have been able to see this.

My arrival here has been a long time coming. All those following my blog know that. I realize that my journey to self-healing has just begun too.

What is funny for those of you who know A is that one of the first people I met here is from the UK, Blonde and LOVES animals. This of course makes sense as this describes A perfectly. I laughter with CM (that’s her initials) about this as we had a deep and meaningful conversation about this. I know, already pouring my heart out. It felt good to let her see my honesty and integrity. I feel she could see that I wasn’t trying to look for sympathy, she did actually ask why I came here and when I was vague about it she asked why again. I had nothing to hide. Open book and all. I’m sure over the next few months she will feel comfortable enough to share her story too.

Things right now are pleasant and I don’t have as many heart pains as I have had previously. I still think about A a lot. Maybe 50% of my day. Which I promise you is a dramatic fall! I still love her and miss her and I probably always will. I’m just working on increasing the size of my heart so I can fit someone else in. My hearts pretty big already though, but does get a little bruised sitting on my sleeve all day. God’s helping though. I would’ve had made it this far without him!

The book I have been reading has been inspirational. It’s funny when you find a book that actually makes a lot of sense. And not in an airy fairy way either. It makes VERY good sense. Always helps when they use REAL world examples.

One recent chapter I read was about fear. It discussed one ladies journey into become the “Queen” of self-help writers.

She talked about her own fears and how ‘pushing’ through them she was able to have a very successful life and help many others around the world.

Fear has been a motivator for me.

Back in 2000 I came up with my own quote (I never googled it back then so it could’ve already been taken). It’s simple; “The motivation to succeed, is the fear of failure”. I guess the has been my mantra since then. I don’t want to leave this world singing my “shoulda-coulda-wouldas”. I want to leave this world saying “Did it-Done it-Won it”. It is this fear that keeps me going. For many other people it’s their own fears that stop them. It’s a very large roadblock for them.

I have blogged here before about obstacles; emotional and physical. With out a strong support system e.g; friends and whanau these obstacles can be difficult to get around. Being a success and a strong male role model for my daughters and others has been a part of my own motivation. This is all a part of the journey too. Identifying my fears, harnessing them and conquering them.

I fear death. Like most people as we get older we start to understand our own mortality and the mortality of the ones we love. heading overseas this has been one of my biggest fears. Not my own death, but the death of my daughters, whanau or friends.

I fear for my daughters not growing up to have happy and wonderful lives. I want them to be able to say to their friends now and in the future that their dad was the most positive, truthful and loving dad in the world. That the sacrifices he made when we were younger have helped make us “good” people.

I am scared of anything that has more legs or eyes than me.

I am scared of heights.

I am scared of closed spaces.

AND I think that would be about it.

I think the first two I am most fearful of as I have very limited control over how these things pan out. Unless I lock my daughters away for the rest of their lives and I become good friends with the Grim Reaper. I guess that’s what fear is really. Not having control over something else. Not being able to predict what’s going to happen. Fearful of the unknown. You know now why some people are constantly looking for ‘the meaning of life’. They get sick of their own mundane lives and just wonder ‘what it all means’.

You have to let go. You have to realize you can’t control everything all the time. You have to embrace your fear and push through. Only through great adversity can great change occur. Thats what I am hoping my own journey will accomplish. I’m letting go now.

Over the past few weeks there has almost been a traffic fatality everyday. No exaggeration either. From minor accidents where people have been injured, but not critically. To full on accidents with terrible fatalities. My brother and nephew had a close call with their car trailer and the WIND of all things, smashing their car into a medium strip. EAC almost got hit by a bus, literally stepping off the curb and then she almost got hit again, while driving, turning into another street. We both agreed. There has to be a reason for all these ‘close calls’.

With me being so ‘open’ to everything happening around me I started to wonder. Maybe they were little signs from God about ‘travel’? Maybe he was making sure I paid attention while driving around. It did help cause I had a lady pull out in front of me while I was going through a roundabout. She just looked at me blankly with a “why is that guy looking at me in a funny way? I’m sure his car can magically ghost through my car!” And even today another lady almost pulled out in front of me and my daughters, with the exact same look on her face!

There has to be a message!

Stating the obvious would just be blind and of course extremely sexist!

What I am praying is that none of this is related to my own impending departure.

As we all know there is not much one can do when you are flying 50K above the ground. If you hit something OR get hit by something that high in the air you can pretty much kiss yourself goodbye.

On the other hand I would hate it to be a message relating to my friends and whanau too. I have been telling those close to me to drive carefully on the roads and keep and eye out. This blog is another way for me to do that. PLEASE everyone I love, take care out on the roads…I just have a real bad feeling about all these close calls. I guess it’s just peace of mind really. My gut feeling hasn’t been wrong recently.

Well my patience and faith have paid off.

I am officially flying to my new job in the UAE this Sunday. Finally!

The thought of irony has not been mis-spent on me regarding my previous post “Departing”.

It has been almost 4 months now since A and I broke up. For very, very long months for me. Without the support of my whanau, friends and the Mamaku Crew I don’t think I could’ve emotionally lasted this long. Heartbreak can do that to you.

After waiting so long and being prepared to leave 6 weeks ago, I sill feel in a weird purgatory state. The Mamaku Crew have been putting the guilts on me. Trying to get me to stay and work with them at BC. I laugh. I laugh not because I find it funny. I laugh because I feel uncomfortable with the love that they have shown towards me. Friends who I had forgotten about AND friends whom I never knew existed. I have never been comfortable at receiving praise. Which is probably why I find it so easy to dish praise out to others. Go figure.

I have slowly been texting friends about my leaving date. It’s funny how most of them know me so well. No “lets have a leaving party”, that’s just not me. Plus I only look at this job as a temporary departure. Not permanent. That’s how I promote it to my two beautiful young daughters too. CB and I had a wonderful conversation last week about my journey. She wanted to understand, in her mind, how I could leave my daughters. She shared her own experience with her father. It made sense to me then why she felt the way she did. M1 my eldest daughter is turning 16 this year. A very sensitive age for teenagers as we all know. What some people don’t realize is that M1 is very ‘different’ from most pre-adult teens. Her and I have always been strongly connected. Ever since I helped cut her umbilical cord and wrapped her in a cloth gauze. Bringing her out into the thrall of waiting grandparents and friends announcing her name with pride. Hiding the tears I had just spent in the birthing room with her beautiful mother. I swore to myself and God that I would never let anything stop me from being the best father I could be to her. For the majority of her life, I have managed to keep my word. Not all the time, I’m definitely no Saint. But I know that as far as fathers go, I’m not bad.

I didn’t want to share this with CB at the time. I wanted to listen to her reasoning. I wanted to understand her story. My mate AU had a similar story with his father. I think my friends sometimes forget that I have been a father for almost 16 years. And if there is one thing that I know about in this world it’s M1.

My departure is not only important to my own self-development. It is also important for my daughter’s futures. I have always tried to live close to them. To make sure I could be there when they needed me. I have felt in the past few years their mother has done her best to keep me away from their day-to-day lives. I have been more like and ATM than anything else to her. Well that’s how it feels to me. I believe she still holds a lot of resentment towards me. If you’ve read my blogs you can understand why. So I always ‘briefly’ express my disappointment, take a deep breath and send her positive blessing. Seriously. That’s what I do.

Someone who seems to be deeply effected by my departure is EAC. Her and I have formed a very strong connection. It’s like she was meant to be my sister that I wanted mum and dad to have when I was 11 (True story!!). We get each other. We understand each other mentally and spiritually. We both have very strong communication skills. We are both open and honest. We both trust each other. I joked with her one time that we were like Brandon and Brenda from the REAL 90210. She being Brenda of course. Maybe that’s why we have a ‘soul connection’. Maybe. Possibly. When we had to say goodbye on Wednesday she was off to her Yoga class. We had just had a great chat and already acknowledged that saying goodbye is a difficult process for her. I laughed (see 5th paragraph). I (brother/sister) love her. She knows that. God has brought us together on purpose. And it is no coincidence her husband is someone I love (brother love) too. EAC blogged about her friends and family being like a ‘web’. Connected by threads. Something like that. I agreed. And if I agree then ALL my friends and whanau are part of the web too. Connected forever.

I do wonder though if A knows anything about my departure. I really don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to feel that I am doing this to make her feel bad. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for my daughters. And I’m doing this to heal my broken heart. I’m departing from who I was. Who I had become. 2014, the Six Million Dollar Man returns…maybe with a wife?

 

Feel a sense of floating at the moment. Still waiting to her about my departure from NZ to the UAE. Been waiting now for almost 6 weeks. Patience and Faith has definitely been tested.

Strangely though I have felt a sensation of ‘movement’. Working with the Mamaku Crew and traveling here to TAG has helped with this sensation too. I have only been working at BC for a few days and already feel at home.

That’s what I mean by departing. I have departed from my old live in Htown (Except for my daughters, I can never lose that connection) and transitioned into a new life. Which again I will depart from, if only temporarily to move into another life overseas.

The thing about departing it will never be permanent. Only if you want it to be permanent. I know that somewhere in the future A and I will no doubt bump into each other. I constantly wonder how I would react If I did see her. Anyway, I truly believe that our BU is not a full departure from what we had. I think we will have some kind of relationship, but I couldn’t tell you what it is going to look like though. And I’m not expecting this to happy in the near future either.

I went walking on the beach this afternoon. A wonderful feeling. Straight after work and off to the beach. How many jobs and locations allow you to do that? Walked into the water and allowed the waves to smash against my legs. As each wave departed I thought about my own departure. Each wave represented my own feelings. One would hit me hard like the BU of my and A. Another would just tickle my feet, teasing me, like my trip overseas has been doing for the past few months!. Other waves were smooth and soothing. These waves were my friends and family showing their concern and support.

As I had all this running through my mind I had an epiphany. I decided that departing is not a bad thing. I am trying to depart from my old negative behaviors right now. What’s wrong with that? Nothing in my books. My daughters have so much love and support from M’s whanau and mine in Htown. I had always thought I needed to stay in htown. Settle down their and buy a house. I now think differently. For various reasons my daughters don’t have to have me right their all the time. I can still live close but not necessarily in the same town. I’ve decided that when I return from the UAE I’m going to look at moving closer to the Mamaku crew and of course to the beach. I can still be a strong father figure to my daughters and provide them with a beautiful place to stay right near the beach too. Well that’s what my epiphany was.

I’m gonna have a great talk to my daughters about it soon and see what they think. Right now there the only girls in my life that matter…besides my mum of course…she’s the best mum in the world. Well my world anyway. When she departs I’m not sure what my world will look like.