Archive for March, 2012

I have tried to keep my word. Truly I have. But I have broken promises. In particular I have broken my promise to blog at least 3 times a week. I have stated before that this was going to be a huge challenge for me. In the past few weeks it has. My new life here in the middle east has taken over. There have been many chores to do and many more people to help.

Of course I feel bad about breaking my promises. But in my heart I know that there has been a reason for not posting. The hearbreak of losing A had been slipping away gradually. Each day I had been feeling better and not thinking about her as much. Which of course was positive and just proved to me that coming here was the best decision I’d made. As I haven’t been posting these feelings came rushing back. I think It had something to do with the fact it was her birthday this week AND it was her graduation. The more I thought about this the more the old feelings came flowing back…it was tough. Well it still is tough right now.

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is very nice. I crashed out on my new couch and had a dream about A. I haven’t had a dream about her since we broke up. It was a very sad yet vivid dream too. I was in my bed at home tossing and turning in my sleep calling out her name. It woke me from my real sleep. My heart hurt. I still miss her very much. I still wonder what she is doing and how she is. But I try not too as it just brings back those heart pains.

God has been very, very good to me during my time here. He has introduced me to some wonderful people and has made me challenge myself on a personal level, forcing me to do things that I wouldn’t usually do (nothing illegal or anything against my morals either). My patience has been severally tested here by various situations and people. I think these heart pains are just him reminding me about what I need to keep doing to receive such good will.

So, I’m going to take my friend’s advice, that’s you AB and go back to blogging once a week. This is not meant to be a chore or something I hate doing. It is meant to help me. Help me become a better person. Help me heal and even help me heal others form their own pain and demons. Almost six months gone even with the broken promises.

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Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

A good friend of mine lost her younger brother this week. He died in a car accident. I didn’t ask for the details. I sent her my condolences and love from a far. There are not many words one can say to help make the pain go away when you have lost someone close to you. You just have to let them know you are thinking about them and that you are there to support them if they need your help.

What was scary about this death didn’t become apparent until EAC mentioned something to me. Something that I had mentioned in my blog before I flew overseas. I kept have ‘near’ car accidents before I left, seeing close accidents and some of my friends where almost in accidents too. So I blogged here warning my friends and family to be careful on the roads. I’d forgotten I’d even said that! What she also reminded me was of a dream I had had with a reaccuring date, 26th or 27th of Jan, can’t remember right now and I’m too lazy to check my blog for it! And the word “prophetic”. The date became relevant as my friend almost got hit by a bus on that day and the next day I received my documents back from overseas (to do with my job here). Now of course a family member of my good friend has died in a car accident. God, for what ever reason has given me glimpses into how powerful he can be and how powerful I can be too if I just keep the faith and believe. I can bare witness to this as MANY positive things have been blessed upon me since I have arrived here, praying and listening, praying and listening.

Now obviously this pathway is not for everyone and many of you would be thinking this could just be blind faith. It always seems that way when YOU are the only one that can’t see it.

I look at death in the same way. We all know we can’t live forever, that’s one fact no one can dispute. If you don’t believe in the after-life, well that’s fine too. Death seems so final. I can’t show you any proof whether or not heaven exist or hell for that matter. What I can tell you is that I have faith. People without faith find it easier to turn their noses up at others who do. Yet (from my experience) those very same people often turn to God on their death-bed. I’ve seen it happen with my own family members. Facing your own mortality can do that to you.

My breakup with A felt like a death to me. It truly did. That relationships death was enough for me to seek out God again and start my journey of healing and redemption. We don’t have much time on this earth at all. That’s obvious.I’m choosing not only to live a good life but also to share that good life with family and friends. I want my own death to be a celebration of life if anything, not a mourning of a lost soul. I’m not expecting to leave anytime soon though! I’ve still got a lot of work to do here. Apparently.

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while now, you are familiar with my discussion about God and my reconnection with my faith. I have had God in my life for a very longtime. He was like a silent partner in my business. I never flaunted him in front of others or try to shove biblical messages about him down people’s throats. He was there to guide me and help me make the right decisions.

During my 36 years of life I lost my way on various occasions. But I never forgot about God.

Many people come across various challenges in their lives. Some good, some bad. Recently I have witnessed both. Not just me personally but others around me. It has been interesting to see how others have handled their own situations. A new friend I have made found out some shocking news today. The sad thing was that I already knew what was going to happen. It had to do with our jobs. Anyway, he is going to lose his position with our company. I’ve only known him for a little while but I feel terrible for him. Another guy at work was basically told that if he didn’t “shape up” he would be terminated too.

I felt like crap. Cause guess who is being shifted into (one of the guys) their positions.

Even though it’s no fault of mine, I still felt terrible. They both reacted with pride, honor and dignity. Something you don’t often see in these types of situations. I think their age had a lot to do with it too. But, in saying that they were both still at work surrounded by an all male staff so maybe didn’t want to break down in tears…gotta be a man and all that jazz.

What hit me, besides their humility, was the emptiness of words I had. I didn’t know what to say to either of them. I just nodded and agreed with what ever they said. Like one of those Fairground Plastic clowns you through ping-pong balls into. I felt weird. It was like someone had died. The older of the two said something that made me get all teary; “It’s like they have said that your 30years experience in this business means nothing”, It was like his Mana (power/honour) had been stripped away from him. That really cut me deep. It was a deep sense of sadness that we could all feel in our staff department.

My close friend asked me to pray for him. So I did. Kept it simple.

The amazing thing was that he himself said that this is probably a blessing. That things could be worse. At least he still has his health and his family. I agreed. I reminded him also about his parents that were arriving tonight from his home country too. He was my inspiration, well they both were, for me to blog so early in the week (three blogs a week is a killer). God creates many pathway’s. He gives us guidance to choose the right pathway. Things that we see as obstacles are merely challenges that we need to rise above. He doesn’t want to just give us the answers, we have to seek them out. It’s a journey, we all know that. And without these little “hiccups” we wouldn’t be able to truly enjoy what we find at the end of our journey. God’s pathways will set your free, but only if you keep the faith. Difficult task for some. But not for these two honorable men.

I have been tempted. I’ve mentioned that before. It seems to get harder to NOT be my old self. I can’t resist the fun ‘banter’ and ‘word play‘ with female acquaintances. I am naturally a flirt. Others would call it charming. Either way I just couldn’t help myself last night. Having a conversation with a new female friend and I purposely made her jealous by pretending that I had another female friend hangout with me. I know, just ridiculous. I couldn’t help myself. It was like staring at an accident. I could see it coming and just couldn’t look away. The more I try to stop the more I continued.

At the end of it all I felt stupid. And questioned myself. It’s obvious that I do suffer from narcissistic behavior. I enjoyed the feeling of manipulating someone else’s feelings. Scary I know. It was definitely a power trip. It still comes easy to me. I still haven’t changed as much as I had hoped. I felt terrible too. Fortunately nothing else happened and I didn’t make things worse between us. I kept my friendship positive in the end. Thank God.

I was always afraid of this happening. That as I started to think about A less and less my old behaviors would start to sneak back in. And they have. It’s going to take a little while longer I think. In fact I’m almost positive it’s going to take a little longer. It’s hard when I don’t want to lock myself away from the rest of the world, in particular girls. Which can be really easy in a place like this. Hard times. But that’s what a broken heart can do.

This kind of links into pervious posts but has amazingly become even more relevant recently. These apples can slowly rot away, ferment and engulf even the most experienced of us all.

They slowly spread their rot on to you. At first your own immune system can resist but with prolonged exposure (which can happen when you have no control over the placement of the apple) you too will fill with rot.

I believe A could see that all the ‘rot’ that was surrounding me was starting to rub off on her. rot is a strong word but it’s the best thing to use with this particular metaphor. The rot had built up inside me for a while. I never spotted it.I should’ve but I didn’t. Hence the idea of ‘experience’. Even the most travelled of all of us can get stuck in a rot (not a spelling mistake, just a cheap pun).

You can see what that one bad apple can do too when surround by others. The can do serious damage.

I’ve experienced this recently in my new job. It’s sad but you have to try to avoid these apples. I am getting good at spotting them now. And getting better at avoiding them too. Most of the time I just want to squash them…but cause I’m a pacifist squashing is out of the question.

It’s funny to cause I really love bananas. Apples make good pie though.

I have been developing criteria for this person for a while. Obviously. There have been a few changes over time, especially in the past few months. These kind of situations help you reflect on what kind of person is going to make you happy and whom you are going to make happy too. Well it makes sense to me.

A was a wonderful partner. Of course she had some traits that would ‘annoy’ me, but nothing that most partners haven’t experienced. She was pretty, kind, generous, loving and caring. There honestly wasn’t much I didn’t love about her. And I can say that with all honesty, I know I’m not just looking through rose colored glasses either. This far on from our breakup (it’s still tough) but I can reflect and be very honest. I think that’s part of the reason why I do miss her. I know what some of you may be thinking too, “She left you for another guy!” Haven’t forgotten that, it’s actually the hardest thing to forget!

So I’ve been ‘thinking’ what would my NEW criteria be for Mrs Right?

Let’s look at the obvious ones for me. Pretty, Curvaceous….ummmmm, that’s about it really. Physical attraction is an important part to me. I don’t care what anyone says. YES personality is VERY important too, but you can’t actually see someones personality from across the dance floor? Well, not normally anyway.

Personality is different. I like; Intelligent, kind, generous, caring, humorous people. These are actually traits that aren’t too difficult to find. We all know that beauty is skin deep. The most beautiful people in the world can turn to mud if they have a crap personality!

I don’t think I could really give much more criteria…although I have toyed with the idea of attempting to meet a beautiful pediatrician. I figure that they are smart and caring and love children!! Still working on this hypothesis. All I know is that whom ever Mrs RIght is, or where she is she is most likely going to have to find me. I’m playing the “Don’t go looking for her” game. It’s worked really well for me before. Fingers crossed it works again…but not too soon though.