Turning to the darkside

Posted: March 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I have been tempted. I’ve mentioned that before. It seems to get harder to NOT be my old self. I can’t resist the fun ‘banter’ and ‘word play‘ with female acquaintances. I am naturally a flirt. Others would call it charming. Either way I just couldn’t help myself last night. Having a conversation with a new female friend and I purposely made her jealous by pretending that I had another female friend hangout with me. I know, just ridiculous. I couldn’t help myself. It was like staring at an accident. I could see it coming and just couldn’t look away. The more I try to stop the more I continued.

At the end of it all I felt stupid. And questioned myself. It’s obvious that I do suffer from narcissistic behavior. I enjoyed the feeling of manipulating someone else’s feelings. Scary I know. It was definitely a power trip. It still comes easy to me. I still haven’t changed as much as I had hoped. I felt terrible too. Fortunately nothing else happened and I didn’t make things worse between us. I kept my friendship positive in the end. Thank God.

I was always afraid of this happening. That as I started to think about A less and less my old behaviors would start to sneak back in. And they have. It’s going to take a little while longer I think. In fact I’m almost positive it’s going to take a little longer. It’s hard when I don’t want to lock myself away from the rest of the world, in particular girls. Which can be really easy in a place like this. Hard times. But that’s what a broken heart can do.

Comments
  1. Paula says:

    I think your behavior speaks more to your basic human desire to be, well, desired, and less to your narcissistic tendencies. Recognizing that the behavior only makes you feel guilty and shameful is great. The next time you are with your new female friend, don’t do it. Flirt as much as you like and as much as she likes, but don’t lie just to see how she reacts. That’s simply cruel, and I don’t think you want to be a cruel person (at least that’s the sense I get from your post).

    • Thanks for the kind words Paula. And your right I don’t want to be cruel, just making sure I stay away from the dark side and keep in the light!! Thanks for the comment!

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