Archive for April, 2012

Things have been good. Not really, really good. But good. Hence the mis-blog or no-blog last week. Been so busy with my new job and living in a new country it’s been easy to get distracted.

I always think back to my mates words “Don’t let your blog become a chore”. So I haven’t. I’ve thought seriously about what I need to say. This blog has definitely been a huge help in healing my heart. But it’s not over yet. I still have another 18 months to go. Yip, that’s right, for those that have been following me from the beginning it’s now just over 6 months!

I still think about A. Wondering how she is and whether she still thinks about me too. I still think about all the things I have been through over this time too. I have learnt so much about myself and people around me. I am hoping that all this “new” knowledge is going to help me achieve my goals of emotional and financial stability. Praying too.

I can promise you this. I have been keeping to my righteous path and it has been paying dividends. Each time it feels like my faith is tested I give myself a friendly reminder. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than others and I’m definitely not judging others by their actions. I know I can’t change others around me. So I don’t try. As my good friend AS said “You do you and I’ll do me”. Simple statement (and funny) but so true.

I know that my actions and my words can easily influence people around me, without directing any of this towards them. It is in the subtlety of these two things that I can help others. Not much to add really.

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Just had a conversation with my mate back home. He mentioned something that basically told me that A is now living and working in another country. And if you’ve been following my blog you know that the guy she is obviously now with is in that same country.

It actually made me feel, for lack of a better word, sick. All the feelings of betrayal came rushing back. It’s not a nice feeling to have. Again, I don’t blame my mate at all. Something obviously made him want to tell me. He won’t agree, but I’m gonna say God. The faith that I have now only gives me this explanation. Why you may ask? I’d been feeling ‘things’ over the past few weeks since it was A’s graduation and birthday recently. So, there had to be a climax, so to speak to all these feelings. That came today.

I feel it’s just a timely reminder for me and the journey that I am STILL on.

It still hurts me.

It hurts me to think that A has a new life with someone else.

Sharing new experiences. Without me.

That’s just my selfishness coming out of course. And I’ve written more than enough about this in previous posts.

It would be easy to move on to someone else. But it wouldn’t be fair on them or me. Obviously in a country like the one I’m in there are many, many options. There is no denying that. Often people just need to fill their heart up again. A stop-gap for the heartache.

Maybe God knows how much love I do have for A. And he doesn’t want me to forget the pain that I helped create with this situation. I still look at my Ta Moko to help me focus on what kind fo person I want to become. But hearing what’s actually happening hits home even harder. It honestly just reminds me of how much pain and anguish I put A through.

I said to my mate that I wasn’t surprised she moved to a new country. She really had no choice. There would be no way of her not bumping into one of my friends or family back home if she stayed. And when you are the one that “did wrong” you don’t want to be constantly reminded of it. Escaping to a new country, like I have, is really the best option. And it just so happened that her new partner is there too. Very convenient. She’s a smart and intelligent young lady. She would’ve been able to plan this out quiet easily really.

It’s tough when you still love someone so much.

What I’ve learnt over the past few months though is to remain patient. Keep working on being a better person and not forget what has led me to where I am now. Not just geographically but also emotionally. I have had a lot of growth regardless of the feelings that I have inside me now.

I do often wonder how couples can get back together with each other after something like this happens. I’ve had the privilege of talking to many different couples and some have shared this experience with me. They have broken up for a while, sometimes years, but have eventually gotten back together. Very strange. I does make me wonder if I could get back with A if she came looking for me. I’m not sure? Like i’ve said previously I’m still on this two-year journey at the moment. Just trying to work through this new obstacle with my head up and my heart pounding…not as normal as it usually does. Man. It still hurts.

These terms aren’t new. I have thought about these often. I relate them more so to most individuals I know. And me too. I fully admit that I can be selfish, being a little older now I don’t have the luxury of using ignorance as an excuse for my selfishness. It is during my time here in the UAE that I have noticed these terms coming up more often.

Everyone who has travelled here for work have different reasons. Financial, Emotional some don’t have any other choice. What ever the reason people seem to come with a certain degree of ‘expectations’. I have noticed that some seem to think that they are ‘owed’ things by the company that has hired us. Luxurious accommodation,  the best position in the company, etc, etc. For the life of me I can’t understand this at all. I have not idea in our contracts where it states this at all!

For me it’s definitely a mixture of Selfishness and Ignorance. Thinking about themselves and ignoring everything and everyone else. They don’t seem to take the time to sit back and think about their actions and /or the ramifications of their actions. I refuse to believe that ALL people of a certain country, that will go unnamed, are self-centered, egotistical, dickheads. But there seems to be a large percentage here at the moment. I guess it’s easier to notice as the large majority of people here working for our company are from this particular country.

I understand completely that your responsibility should be towards your own health and well-being and that of your family and friends. Most likely in that order too. But does it have to be at the expense of others? In my opinion it doesn’t. Some people are just used to being aggressive to get their own way. That has never been my style. Yes, it has been said to me before that I am too soft. And, yes I would tend to agree. But, I have always ‘stood up’ for myself and others when I have deemed them important enough to do so. But again that is my relaxed nature. Some people are always ‘tense’, always ready to switch from ‘normal’ to ‘abnormal’ at the drop of  the preverbial hat. I’m sure we could go into depth about the whole nurture and nature debate, which me and my mate BB discussed recently. It was a good discussion. We agreed that some people are just ‘born that way’. Can’t argue with genetics. Then others behavior is learnt. We both used the example of our eldest children. The idea of disciplining your children from an early age which will help develop them into positive teenagers. This is reflected in my daughter M1. She is almost 16, but only rarely flashes her teenage angst that she is meant to have now. True she lives with her mum so I don’t get the full brunt of any ‘attitude’ she may have, but I have only every seen my daughter through a tantrum when she was 3-4years old. That was the last time. And the reason for this, I believe, was me dragging her through the mall we were in all the way home, putting her in her room, telling her off too and leaving her to ‘think about it’. Now to be honest I don’t think she fully understood what was wrong, but the fear that was created by me raising my voice at her was enough to ‘fear me’. I know that some people would be asking ‘why would you want your children to fear you?”. Good question. Here’s my thoughts behind that. I have rarely had to discipline my daughters (again the fact that they live with their mum adds to this) and so I am rarely angry or aggressive around them. So when they DO see me get angry or upset with them, they both know that it is serious and whatever they were doing needs to stop. My eldest daughter is still brought to tears if she knows her mum is going to tell me about some type of misbehavior. It’s a strange feeling knowing that your children love you but at the same time can fear you. It’s not a feeling I enjoy. But it is good to know that if there was some type of imminent threat to them that my voice alone would make them listen and react possibly saving their lives or the lives of others. That’s my reason behind the fear.

Slight digression, but I think you can see where I’m coming from. I guess this does cross over into my blog about the master and the slave in some sense. I would often treat A like this. Reprimanding her like a child if she didn’t do what I thought was the right way to do things, etc, etc. You can re-read my past posts to see all that.

Selfish or Ignorant, maybe a mixture of both. I guess it depends on who you are and where your from. Hopefully not from this one particular country…Jokes, two of my best friends here are from there…such a cliché comment.

For many years I have prided myself on being a very patient and caring person. This is how I expect others to treat me too. Sadly this is not always the case.

Sometimes It feels like certain people take advantage of my kind nature. The funny thing is I let people take advantage of my nature. For one simple reason. It’s a test. If these people don’t repay the kindness that I share with them, not necessarily towards me, then those people won’t see much of me again.

I am a very trusting person. When I first meet people I like to see the best in them. I like to be open and honest with them from the beginning and often give them the benefit of the doubt on certain behaviours that I usually frown upon. It is definitely not about me “judging” them. It’s more to do with seeing what people are ‘really’ like. As we all know everyone uses ‘masks’ to hide what they are really like. It just depends on what situation they are placed in before we actually get to see the ‘real’ them.

Once they have revelled themselves I am able to make a better decision on whether or not I want to continue a friendship with them. This has happened often in the past few weeks here. People whom I thought were ‘nice’ people ended up being (for lack of a better word) dickheads! Not only in things they said but in things they did, towards myself and others. There is only so far my patience can be tested. And I have learnt quickly to not invest too much time in these types of friendships.

A was someone whom I needed to invest more time in. She was someone I needed to show more patience with. That’s what you do with someone you love. That’s obvious. My situation is not isolated or unique. But it has taught me to do things BETTER than I use to do. To show patience and understanding to everyone, except for those dickheads. I’ve realised that I must make sure to surround myself with people who will not drain me of my own ‘energy’. I like my generous nature. But I don’t have to waste it on them.

So, patience is a virtue and something that I need to keep focussed on and spend it on good people. There are plenty of them around. I’ve even managed to have found some here…not many though!