Just had a conversation with my mate back home. He mentioned something that basically told me that A is now living and working in another country. And if you’ve been following my blog you know that the guy she is obviously now with is in that same country.

It actually made me feel, for lack of a better word, sick. All the feelings of betrayal came rushing back. It’s not a nice feeling to have. Again, I don’t blame my mate at all. Something obviously made him want to tell me. He won’t agree, but I’m gonna say God. The faith that I have now only gives me this explanation. Why you may ask? I’d been feeling ‘things’ over the past few weeks since it was A’s graduation and birthday recently. So, there had to be a climax, so to speak to all these feelings. That came today.

I feel it’s just a timely reminder for me and the journey that I am STILL on.

It still hurts me.

It hurts me to think that A has a new life with someone else.

Sharing new experiences. Without me.

That’s just my selfishness coming out of course. And I’ve written more than enough about this in previous posts.

It would be easy to move on to someone else. But it wouldn’t be fair on them or me. Obviously in a country like the one I’m in there are many, many options. There is no denying that. Often people just need to fill their heart up again. A stop-gap for the heartache.

Maybe God knows how much love I do have for A. And he doesn’t want me to forget the pain that I helped create with this situation. I still look at my Ta Moko to help me focus on what kind fo person I want to become. But hearing what’s actually happening hits home even harder. It honestly just reminds me of how much pain and anguish I put A through.

I said to my mate that I wasn’t surprised she moved to a new country. She really had no choice. There would be no way of her not bumping into one of my friends or family back home if she stayed. And when you are the one that “did wrong” you don’t want to be constantly reminded of it. Escaping to a new country, like I have, is really the best option. And it just so happened that her new partner is there too. Very convenient. She’s a smart and intelligent young lady. She would’ve been able to plan this out quiet easily really.

It’s tough when you still love someone so much.

What I’ve learnt over the past few months though is to remain patient. Keep working on being a better person and not forget what has led me to where I am now. Not just geographically but also emotionally. I have had a lot of growth regardless of the feelings that I have inside me now.

I do often wonder how couples can get back together with each other after something like this happens. I’ve had the privilege of talking to many different couples and some have shared this experience with me. They have broken up for a while, sometimes years, but have eventually gotten back together. Very strange. I does make me wonder if I could get back with A if she came looking for me. I’m not sure? Like i’ve said previously I’m still on this two-year journey at the moment. Just trying to work through this new obstacle with my head up and my heart pounding…not as normal as it usually does. Man. It still hurts.

  1. bettiebelle says:

    Having read your post, it left me wondering whether you would go back with her whatever the cost. For what it’s worth, I feel that your relationship with A failed either because you weren’t right for eachother or there was an imbalance (by which I mean one of you felt a lot more strongly than the other), or that the timing was wrong. If it was a matter of timing, then it’s not unreasonable to hope that you could possibly be together a few years down the line, although I think it’s unlikely. Usually one or other party has moved on by that time. It’s so easy to get stuck though. I’ve been there. You ultimately have the answer when you say you’re being patient – it is as the old cliche says ‘time heals’. The day will come when you’ll wake up and no longer feel that anguish. That’s the day when you can (in my opinion), begin to think about a new relationship.. You sound like a very caring person and I wish you all the luck in the world. The hurt won’t last.

    • Thank you for your honest and truthful words. You are right and I would invite you to read my blog from the beginning if you have the time. Again thanks for your comments!

      • bettiebelle says:

        You are very welcome and as I pressed the button I did think I perhaps should have read the whole story. I promise I will, when I get time.

  2. jlords says:

    Greetings in the Lord my brother,

    I’ve read your last couple of posts and you can still hear the pain that A has left in your life as if it were yesterday. Going back to one of you other blogs before you mentioned your 36 years of not letting go of God. In all my difficulties (relationships, finances and even death of close ones) God has been right there with me. And if you understand relationships, you only get intimate with someone of you spend a lot of time conversing and listening to the other. You don’t figure people out with small talk. Relationships take time; intimacy does not happen over night; patience is one of those key characteristics that builds endurance with another and I feel as though this is the stage that you’re in at the moment.

    There’s an awesome hymn that’s titled “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” which talks about where we put our focus. In Matthew 14:22-33, it talks about Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples, and his attempt to walk on water. Jesus said to him that he could do it but don’t take your eyes off me. Easy to say when you’re still in the boat but when he stepped out, you can guess where his eyes immediately went. As soon as Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, Peter began sinking. As soon as his focus shifted from Jesus to his problems, he began sinking.

    The minute that we try to do things in our own strength, we begin to sink or relive the horrible feeling of sinking below the pit. We relive our past hurts and can resent others in the process but it’s only because we’ve taken our eyes off Jesus. I thank God each day for His son Jesus because without him I would not know how to deal with the pressures and struggles of the world. He alone knows your hurts as He went through them himself. He endured the cross for our disappointments, hang-ups and abandonment so that we could be comforted in His presence.

    So my prayer for you brother is that you would experience the peace of God in those times when the pain of abandonment feels overwhelming – when you feel like you’re sinking. And that God would restore and repair the brokenness in your heart. I just want to leave you with this last scripture from Psalm 51:17. It says “God never rejects a weak and weary heart that seeks Him. No matter how broken-down and overwhelmed we are, God welcomes us and is willing and able to help us”.

    Many blessings brother,


    • Kia Ora My Friend,

      Your comments has been very timely indeed. Your words are very powerful. They have helped me “keep the faith”. It has been important to have someone like yourself send me blessings from afar. I am privileged and honored to have you following and commenting on my blog.

      Thank you and god bless you too, D

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