Archive for May, 2012

Had no idea about the premise of this film. I really enjoyed it. Apt title. And perfect for my situation too.

I gave up on M (mother of my children). I couldn’t be bothered trying to safe our relationship. I choose the easiest way out. Hook up with someone else. I kept it secret from her. When she finally found out I had cheated on her with another person too. I’m not proud of it, but if you’ve seen this movie it makes a bit of sense Also if you’ve read most of my blog it makes sense too.

I truly absolutely believe we can’t choose who we fall in love with. We can’t anticipate where our hearts may lead us. M still has my heart…and what makes things harder for me is that A has the other part of my heart. That’s what makes  love so crazy.

M will always be a part of my life, that’s a given with the connection we have as a mother and father. There are certainly times when I think about M, like in the film and my post about reminiscing too. And A is right there in my mind too. With M I cheated on her MANY times and yet she still didn’t want to let me go. A cheated on me only once and I let her go just like that. It just made sense for me to let her go right then. And yet I would still consider re-starting a relationship with either of them. That’s what makes love so stupid.

If we are talking big picture stuff I love to love and I love to be loved. That’s a huge part of my nature. The film talks about soulmates and how you can’t give up on them. It took a really long time for me to give up on M. Like the film we met when I was 17 and she was 16. M was always there for me, just like A was too. Both M and A treated me better than any girlfriend could. I couldn’t keep up my end of the relationship. I should’ve, but I didn’t.

Unlike the film, there was no Grand Gesture. No big public speech in front of friends and family. Just tears, heartbreak and sadness…and anger…but mostly sadness.

Here’s what I know. Going out and meeting women is easy for me, I’m not saying that in a dickhead kind of way, but it always has been easy. What’s changed for me now is that I am more aware of NOT ‘teasing’ women making them think that I am genuinely interested in them. I am friendly and polite but the instant I sense they think there is more…I politely backout. I don’t want to waste their time or mine either. Life is short, There are plenty of fish in the sea, time does heal all wounds…all true. Like I said to one of my mates “I’ve never been a fisherman, but if I’m walking along the beach and a fish jumps out I’ll be more than happy to try it out”. Great film with a protracted and predictable ending.nothing like the real world sadly…

Very, very, very dangerous place to be in…

It’s easy to start reminiscing about the “good old days” of being in a relationship with someone. I too often wonder why people think so much about their ex. Especially when their ex has left them for someone else. But we all know that EVERYONE has their own unique situation.

I have been reminiscing about all the good tinmes I had with A and also with M.I guess because they are the two longest and strongest relationships I have had in my life time.

I have thought about how things may have been different with M and I. I have thought how happy our daughters would be having both their mum and dad together again. But, then I remind myself why we finally separated in the first place. We both loved each other very, very much. But our marriage clocks just never seemed to be synced. It seems to be the same as A and I. We both often spoke about whether things may have been different between us if we were the same age and had met up earlier in our lifes. Again, just bad timing.

“If it’s ment to be it’s ment to be”, a very cliche line of course but apt none the less. For my situation I feel. We are all masters of our own destiny I believe, and we are also guided by the blessings of God. Not everyone believes this, that’s what makes the world so special. I have many friends and family that aren’t religious in any way. I don’t plan to connivence them other wise. I am happy how life is panning out for me now. Besides not having my daughters with me life here is good.

Reminiscing can make you feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s a strange feeling. I still think about many of my past relationships and I do wonder where each one of them has ended up. I’m not sure if we ever truly lose those connections with others? I guess we do if we really want to.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing, but can’t dwell on the past for too long right?

Don’t worry I’m not sitting in my room covering myself in a blanket of self-pity!

But, as some may know, It gets pretty lonely sometimes. I have plenty of wonderful new friends here and can see them whenever I feel like it. But you know it’s not the same kind of relationship that I’m feeling lonely for.

Waking up next to someone is such a wonderful feeling. Being able to turn over and look into the eyes of someone that loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you is such a great feeling! I miss this like crazy! I think that’s why I have a plethora of pillows in my bed.

It has been almost 7 months since my breakup with A. I have to admit, the last few months have gone rather fast. Those strong emotional feelings are still around, they are just more manageable. Random events set them off too. It’s hard not to think about her. I told BB, a great new friend here that this has got to be the longest time in my life (post High School) that I have been single. As I’ve mentioned before I have openly admitted that I am a serial-monogamist. I guess that’s why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

I spend a lot of my time with married couples here. It is wonderful to see their own relationships and the dynamics that come with being partners and parents. It makes me miss my daughters. I talk to my daughters at least once a week, which is wonderful. Just seeing them and hearing them reminds me of my decision to come here. They deserve to have the best father in the world. I was a good dad, but I need to be better. In my relationship with A, I was not a good role model for my daughters. But I will be. I’d like to think I am 70% of the way there. This makes complete sense to me as apparently “they” say that women are most likely to choose a partner that is just like their father (or mother, depending on your sexuality of guess). So, If I want them to choose someone kind, generous, caring, funny and a wonderful person, I need to sort my life out asap. Which I feel I am doing.

Life dosen’t give us many second chances. So you have to create that second chance. If being lonely is part of that, then so be it. Everyone makes sacrifices to achieve their own goals. Is mine more Nobel than others? Maybe. To be honest, I don’t care what others think. All I know is that I never want to be the person I was again. And I am going to make sure that my beautiful daughters will have at least ONE very, very positive male role model in their life. Regardless of where I am in this world, they will know this.

Lonely Times…Only for a while.

Spent sometime today emailing whanau and friends. In particular those people who were there for me in my time of need. Nothing too long winded which is strange for me…just a simple hey, hope your well, thanks for your support.

Keeping connected.

It’s something that I have been working on. Making sure that those people I love and respect are actually reminded exactly how I feel for them. Too often I forget about taking care of these relationships. I know that I’ve been better at keeping connected now.

Hardwork? Of course it is. An important lesson everyone learns (well should’ve by now) is that something that takes a lot of work is most definitely worth it!!And the people that have helped me are more than worth it.

All I have ever wanted from people is their love and respect. And that’s exactly what I give in return. I have learnt to disconnect from those who can’t reciprocate. It’s amazing how many of these people are around too. I’ve gotten better at spotting them earlier now.

I let my connection with A drift, I stopped working on it and let it get away. That’s obvious. I’m a little wiser now. Having an interesting time practicing my connection techniques over here. Working well so far.

So, just keep connected with you family and friends too. You’ll thank me for it.