Change is constant.

Posted: July 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
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There is one thing in life that is always constant – change.

If you are unable to change, adapt or be flexible you will always do what you have done. Obvious.

The problem is what type of change do you want to make? Positive or Negative?

I’ve been working on positive change for the past  9 months or so. I have had temptation thrown in my face and have come out the other end unscathed and even wiser than before. God has given me challenges and obstacles and I am pleased to say that I have managed to work through them, with the help of family, friends and my own self-determination.

I had a conversation with one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had the privilege of having, EAC. She has been a guiding light during these tough months. She shared something that had been weighing on her mind and the mind of other very close, loving mutual friends and family. They all really want me to come back home. I have always known this and it has never been a secret that I would love to come home too. They expressed the fact that my daughters are growing up without their father. They compared this too their own backgrounds with their own fathers. A few of my close mates either did not grow up with their fathers around or had an estranged relationship with them. I would place myself in the estranged relationship. They were trying to tell me that my daughters need me NOW not 2 years or more down the track. Again this is obvious.

I too have always believed in children having two parents to raise them. A very traditional view of the family unit I know. Problem is, this has dramatically changed, not only in wider society but also in my own life. When some fo my friends were just having their first children I was leaving the mother of mine. I stayed in that relationship for love, then for my daughter, I couldn’t stay any longer. I know my situation isn’t unique at all. What I do know is that as far as fathers go I’m pretty good. Sure, I’ve made plenty of mistakes BUT I’ve also done some pretty awesome things too. My ex has done certain things that have ‘restricted’ my input into our daughters upbringing. I’ve never been to sure if that’s because she is still angry with me (which she has the right to be) or she just genuinely forgets about me wanting to be involved in their life’s.

The strange thing is. With my time over here my ex and I seem to be communicating better with each other. Sure we would text or ring when I was at home but I would generally wait for her to contact me about anything to do with our girls. I usually had my daughters on the weekend and I would see m eldest daughter everyday as she attended the school I taught at. I felt that I was still able to maintain a very solid and positive relationship with my daughters.

I said to EAC that I could understand where my friends were coming from talking about their absent fathers and how they felt it had affected them. What I also said was not having their fathers around did not turn them into bad people. In fact they are wonderful human beings. What I thought about later was that God gives us challenges, like losing your parents or parent at an early age, through death or separation. We are tested and measured to see if we are able to cope, manage with something so difficult. SOME people come out better off without them and others…well not so good. I am absolutely adamant that my choice to come here is not going to affect my daughters in a negative way. Of course I miss them and I know how much they miss me. The questions that were raised by my friends words were; Do they think I will waiver from my resolve? Do they not think my relationship with my daughters will survive my ‘physical’ absence in their lives?

I love my friends and the support they have given me has been amazing. What they believe makes absolute sense to them. True. What I have learnt is that in life what you believe in can be easily changed by one simple event (or something more than that) I could go on and on about this but I think you go the point. I have changed and will keep changing, in a positive way. Gods with me. My family are with me. And so are my amazing friends.

  1. esccmedia says:

    Bro, we both know it’s not about the quantity of parenting, but the quality.

    Do what you need to do.

  2. alegra22 says:

    Hi D,
    I was going to respond privately but I’ll just do it here. First, I want to reiterate that I support you in your journey and that no one but you and God can know what that journey is and how it needs to be walked – so, in my expressing things on behalf of Dan and I, it was about participating in that journey with you as honestly and with as much vulnerability as possible. Just as several years ago or even a year ago, if one of us had approached you about your behavior/patterns with A, or even further back, with M, you might not have been open to hearing us, I would just ask that you keep the possibility that some of what we are saying is PART of the greater picture right now but in no way a judgment of your character/our love for you. It isn’t the whole picture but I feel like it needed to be said. I also want to clarify that we are not discussing a traditional family unit or the fact that we all turned out ‘okay’…we were discussing YOUR personal journey and your personal relationship with your daughters. Dan and I were discussing this yesterday, and as he said, “Yes, we turned out well but we had to go through a lot of trials/breaking old patterns, forgiving, healing, etc.”
    This is not to say that any of us know what is best for you and your daughters – we don’t. But for me personally, I know myself well enough to know that i had to at least express this other perspective so that I could let it go and support you unconditionally on your journey. I only know this: we are only ever ready to make changes when we are ready. Every step of the journey is important and can’t be skipped over, even if other people feel the journey should be different for us, that we should see things or ‘get’ things before we’re ready…there are many times along the way when people looked at aspects of my life and wanted me to understand something and I couldn’t, not until I was ready, and who is to say that this was not the right way for all of us? We can’t judge what other people must learn and how we must learn it. We love you, we trust your heart, we support you in your journey, but part of supporting you in that journey was to play our part and speak honestly about our perspective on things. At least for me, now that I have said all of what I felt I needed to say, please know that I’m not judging you and that I will continue to speak honestly and support you and love you.

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