Archive for November, 2012

Forgetting.

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

This word sums up my general feeling over the last few weeks. Being so far away from my family near xmas I have started forgetting more and more about A, and my only focus has been getting home…I miss my daughters, I miss my family, I miss my friends.

I’ve had  a few hiccups recently too. Not major ones, but still hiccups. I met a lovely young lady. She is very attractive. We were playing in the same touch rugby team. She is the first female here whom I’ve been really attracted too. I’ve met others and they’ve been nice. But this lady is a little nicer…AND of course she is already taken. That ended that story quickly.

I saw her again this weekend. Let me tell you this, I LOVE women that are passionate about sport, which she is. This on top of her already being pretty made me just say, “This Sucks!”..we both did some very friendly flirting…that’s the slip I was talking about. I had to remind myself of my OLD patterns coming back. I’d forgotten. Fortunately i got myself out of there. Though I have to admit It was difficult.

I have found more kindred spirits over the past few months too. People with similar beliefs, which has helped my own resolve and reminded me of how important faith and God are in my life.

I have had various challenges thrown at me too, besides the one above…financial, emotional…two of the main reasons why I came her in the first place.

It’s official over a year now since A and I broke up. I definitely haven’t forgotten that! Still got another 12months to go though…not really such a big deal anymore…getting use to this single life…getting use to being by myself…just gotta stop forgetting…

I know it’s been a VERY longtime since my last blog…over two months to be exact. It’s been a busy time here in my new home. Plus I really wanted to hold off on blogging until my journey had hit the 12month mark…AND I needed to re-read all my posts too!

It’s been hard to know where to start or what to say too. The last 12 months have gone reasonably fast though. From the deep, deep lows of October last year, to the highs of mid 2012. I have taken great strides in becoming the person I wanted to become. But I have also had a few slip ups on the way here too.

Where am I now?…Halfway is probably the best way to describe where I am. 50%. Yes I did start this blog 9 days from now, BUT A and I “broke” up on the 13th October. I did wonder if I would be able to make it this far. As I have mentioned previously this is the longest I have been single, since High School. It has been tough at times, as it does get very lonely, especially when you don’t have your own whanau around you. Coming home to an empty apartment can be tough too. There have been times, not too many, where I have wished there was someone here waiting for me after work, after training, after rugby, just someone to share your day with. Fortunately this has not been a regular feeling, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that feeling everyday!

My slip ups have been few and far between. Just old habits trying to worm themselves back in. Probably the biggest one has been complacency. Becoming comfortable with my situation here. As always, when this happens I become lazy and everything seems to become a ‘chore’. I’ve had to slap myself to get motivated again. My memories of the painful heartache I have been through helps remind me. And, as I had anticipated, my Ta Moko is a very, very good reminder. Even though these memories feel very, very far away now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about A. Which has really surprised me. I guess cause this a situation I have never really been in before. I have been trying to forget her. I don’t want to forget her. I have definitely been actively trying to forgive her though. This has been a lot easier as time has ticked by. By not forgetting her, It has helped me process things better. Most people try to “block” these memories out. I haven’t. Originally I was WISHING my thoughts and feelings for her could be switched off. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am mentally strong enough now to ‘control’ these emotions better now. I can think about what I went through last year and not get those heartpains or feel tears welling up inside of me. Yes, I feel sadness. Those feelings of regret. But remind myself that there is no point in beating myself up anymore. I can’t change the past. I can control the now. I can change my future.

I still miss her. Just to put this feeling in some kind of context for you. I still miss M too! I’ve come to terms with these feelings. There never gonna go away. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I am connected with someone, physically and emotionally, that connection, to me, can never be severed. Sure it can weaken, point-in-case, but I’m forever connected. I still wonder how she is and what she is doing and if she still thinks about me too. It hasn’t happened that often, but I have thought about facebook stalking her…fortunately these have been fleeting thoughts! And it would obviously be counter-productive towards what I am trying to achieve on my end.

There has been a strange occurrence though. It was birthday in October. The bridesmaid (you’ll have to read my blog if you want to know more) whom, wasn’t the ‘beginning’ of my story but was definitely a catalyst for A leaving me, contacted me wishing me Happy Birthday. This was really cool. We got talking via text, and before I knew it we were planning a road trip around her home country next year during a holiday break here. I did question whether this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I spoke to EC and he understood where I was coming from. Now I am very attracted to her and I know that she is no longer with her BF. I know that I can’t “do” anything either. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but we haven’t really talked that much since our initial planning phase either…it’s a conundrum. I thought that by doing this it would be almost giving A ‘justification’ for breaking up with me?? That’s if she found out about it anyway. I know what your thinking. “But D not even with A anymore so why would you even think about ‘how she would feel’??” Very true. But for me it’s like telling someone you love that, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, and don’t worry I’m not leaving you for that person I told you about when we were together”….and then doing exactly that! Hoping you guys understand where I’m coming from on this.

I have learnt SO many things about me as a person too. Patience is obviously a virtue that has become VERY strong. Love is another obvious one. Accepting others and being less judgmental. These are two traits I have been working on. It has been too easy in my past to “judge” others for the negative things they do. Now I look upon them with love and accept that ‘some’ people will never change. Which is fine. But I know that in order to keep my live positive I need to stay away from these people. Accept who the are. But not waste my time or energy trying to ‘change’ them into someone I do want to spend time with.

There have been a few sad times in the past few months. None more so than recently. AS, a great friend of mine whom I met when I first arrived here. Decided that he could no longer stay here and went back home. I was absolutely gutted. I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as a friend to help him through the issues he was having here. I understood his reasons for leaving. I even understood why he didn’t tell anyone about leaving too. I said to him, via email, it was like one of best friends had died…I never got to say a ‘real’ goodbye. Again I understood why. I accepted his decision and did not judge him. I can only love him as a great friend and we both agreed that this would not be the end of our friendship regardless of where in the world we both are. It was just sad to have a close friend leave so abruptly. Much love to you my bro.

I miss my daughters too. Being away from them has been tough. I skype them every week which helps. But nothing beats actually snuggling and cuddling them. I remind myself of the future that I am trying to create for them, and me, this keeps me motivated and focussed.

I’m realistic. Im better than I was before. Im happier than I was too. Im not 100% there. But I am definitely 50%. I figure 50% is a better figure than the -50% I was sitting at more than a year ago now…

PS. God’s awesome. Nuff said.