Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

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I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

Returned to work. Leaving my home country was very difficult this time round. Been a long week of constant home sickness and surprise, surprise still thinking about A too. 

Xmas and New Years time seems to bring out all these emotions. That’s obvious. So no real surprise about the way I’ve been feeling recently.

It has been an extremely lonely week this week. First time I’ve felt this way overseas for a very longtime. Hence the pendulum. Pendulum of emotions.

It’s been affecting people all around me too. We all seem to be paying for our Xmas/New Years cheer. Emotionally and financially!!

Met a lovely girl on the flight back here. We got on really well. Things could’ve possibly continued…but had to remain focussed on my journey…VERY difficult though! Walked away from that situation, but man it was very HARD to do that…felt my old habits creeping back in again…I know it’s natural for me to be this way, but I want to make sure that I don’t hurt anyone anymore…especially someone from the opposite sex.

The pendulum swings and so do more emotions. I prefer the times when it stops. I know things will get back to normal in a few more weeks…My faith has helped me through much of this…along with some wonderful friends.

Could’ve easily added more descriptives…but I think these words are perfect for how I am feeling right now. 

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything. As I’ve said previously I didn’t want to make this blog a chore. I wanted it to be something I would enjoy using. Hence the long wait between each post.

I’ve been back home now for over two weeks. Instead of feeling a great sense of “relief” (which I did have for a few days) I’ve been feeling the complete opposite. Sadly, this has developed from the now ‘strained’ relationship between the mother of my daughters and I. Long story short. She thinks I’m rolling in cash in my new job overseas. I do earn good money but not the Millions that she is assuming I earn. We have always tried to keep things amicable between us especially for our daughters. The only time we’ve ever had issues has been with money.

If you’ve read through my blog you’ll know the whole background story with our relationship. 10 years together, the last few were not so good, mostly my bad too, ended our relationship 6 years ago…and now, as my ex would put it, she is making me pay for my transgressions. The money has become an even bigger issue as 3 months ago she decided to resign from her job (good job too) because she was having issues with another female staff member (side note: she left her last job for the same reason…see a pattern here). NOW, don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful mother and loves the girls to pieces…as do I. BUT, now she has decided, because I won’t meet her monetary requirements, that spending time with my daughters will be “restricted”. To set things straight. I already pay her child support (we have had a mutual agreement) and have helped pay for other bills for the girls here and there. With all this I have never been guaranteed access…well, we had said that I would get the girls on the weekends…but what ever plans my ex has takes priority…I have no say in educational decisions or anything else for that matter…All I am expected to do is help pay for everything, without question. This is how it has been for the past 6 years. I accepted this as I wanted to keep my relationship with the girls strong.

This has now obviously changed. My ex knows that I am only home for a short time and won’t be back for over a year. She has decided to block plans for me to meet up with the girls overseas somewhere next year. Apparently now I don’t deserve any kind of credit for being the girls dad.

Look, I’m not saying I’m now or have been the BEST dad in the world. BUT, I know that I have worked damn hard to be a strong. positive role model for my daughters…I feel that my ex is still punishing me for being such an A-Hole when we were together…and I don’t see any end to that soon…

Feeling; Lost, Stuck and Confused has been created by all of this happening. One side of me wants to go ballistic at her, and I’ve felt that building up inside me over the past week or so…BUT the other side of me reminds me of the journey I am on…”remembering the past, working on those past mistakes to build a better future, for not only me but my daughters too”…trying…I just don’t know what to do. I feel like running back to the UAE, but I feel that’s what my ex wants. She has a partner and he is good to my girls, which makes me happy. But I can already see that my ex is trying to replace me…she already made sure that any activity he has organized with the girls takes priority above anything that I may have wanted to do or planned to do…I feel like she is trying to wipe me out of the girl’s life. Maybe.

I just hate all this bullcrap. Sometimes I think I should’ve just stayed with her and been miserable…sometimes I think that would’ve been stupid. I just wish that she could let go of the bitterness she has towards me…but she can’t and I don’t think she ever will…she wants to see me unhappy, she wants to see me in pain, like the pain I put her though near the end of our relationship. Maybe. Probably.

And even though this has all happened. I still love her. She is the mother of my children. She is a wonderful mother. She WAS a wonderful partner. I wasn’t. I know that. I’ve tried to redeem myself for my past with her. Nothing I can say or do will ever erase this past. Lost. Stuck. Confused.

Forgetting.

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Uncategorized
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This word sums up my general feeling over the last few weeks. Being so far away from my family near xmas I have started forgetting more and more about A, and my only focus has been getting home…I miss my daughters, I miss my family, I miss my friends.

I’ve had  a few hiccups recently too. Not major ones, but still hiccups. I met a lovely young lady. She is very attractive. We were playing in the same touch rugby team. She is the first female here whom I’ve been really attracted too. I’ve met others and they’ve been nice. But this lady is a little nicer…AND of course she is already taken. That ended that story quickly.

I saw her again this weekend. Let me tell you this, I LOVE women that are passionate about sport, which she is. This on top of her already being pretty made me just say, “This Sucks!”..we both did some very friendly flirting…that’s the slip I was talking about. I had to remind myself of my OLD patterns coming back. I’d forgotten. Fortunately i got myself out of there. Though I have to admit It was difficult.

I have found more kindred spirits over the past few months too. People with similar beliefs, which has helped my own resolve and reminded me of how important faith and God are in my life.

I have had various challenges thrown at me too, besides the one above…financial, emotional…two of the main reasons why I came her in the first place.

It’s official over a year now since A and I broke up. I definitely haven’t forgotten that! Still got another 12months to go though…not really such a big deal anymore…getting use to this single life…getting use to being by myself…just gotta stop forgetting…

I know it’s been a VERY longtime since my last blog…over two months to be exact. It’s been a busy time here in my new home. Plus I really wanted to hold off on blogging until my journey had hit the 12month mark…AND I needed to re-read all my posts too!

It’s been hard to know where to start or what to say too. The last 12 months have gone reasonably fast though. From the deep, deep lows of October last year, to the highs of mid 2012. I have taken great strides in becoming the person I wanted to become. But I have also had a few slip ups on the way here too.

Where am I now?…Halfway is probably the best way to describe where I am. 50%. Yes I did start this blog 9 days from now, BUT A and I “broke” up on the 13th October. I did wonder if I would be able to make it this far. As I have mentioned previously this is the longest I have been single, since High School. It has been tough at times, as it does get very lonely, especially when you don’t have your own whanau around you. Coming home to an empty apartment can be tough too. There have been times, not too many, where I have wished there was someone here waiting for me after work, after training, after rugby, just someone to share your day with. Fortunately this has not been a regular feeling, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that feeling everyday!

My slip ups have been few and far between. Just old habits trying to worm themselves back in. Probably the biggest one has been complacency. Becoming comfortable with my situation here. As always, when this happens I become lazy and everything seems to become a ‘chore’. I’ve had to slap myself to get motivated again. My memories of the painful heartache I have been through helps remind me. And, as I had anticipated, my Ta Moko is a very, very good reminder. Even though these memories feel very, very far away now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about A. Which has really surprised me. I guess cause this a situation I have never really been in before. I have been trying to forget her. I don’t want to forget her. I have definitely been actively trying to forgive her though. This has been a lot easier as time has ticked by. By not forgetting her, It has helped me process things better. Most people try to “block” these memories out. I haven’t. Originally I was WISHING my thoughts and feelings for her could be switched off. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am mentally strong enough now to ‘control’ these emotions better now. I can think about what I went through last year and not get those heartpains or feel tears welling up inside of me. Yes, I feel sadness. Those feelings of regret. But remind myself that there is no point in beating myself up anymore. I can’t change the past. I can control the now. I can change my future.

I still miss her. Just to put this feeling in some kind of context for you. I still miss M too! I’ve come to terms with these feelings. There never gonna go away. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I am connected with someone, physically and emotionally, that connection, to me, can never be severed. Sure it can weaken, point-in-case, but I’m forever connected. I still wonder how she is and what she is doing and if she still thinks about me too. It hasn’t happened that often, but I have thought about facebook stalking her…fortunately these have been fleeting thoughts! And it would obviously be counter-productive towards what I am trying to achieve on my end.

There has been a strange occurrence though. It was birthday in October. The bridesmaid (you’ll have to read my blog if you want to know more) whom, wasn’t the ‘beginning’ of my story but was definitely a catalyst for A leaving me, contacted me wishing me Happy Birthday. This was really cool. We got talking via text, and before I knew it we were planning a road trip around her home country next year during a holiday break here. I did question whether this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I spoke to EC and he understood where I was coming from. Now I am very attracted to her and I know that she is no longer with her BF. I know that I can’t “do” anything either. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but we haven’t really talked that much since our initial planning phase either…it’s a conundrum. I thought that by doing this it would be almost giving A ‘justification’ for breaking up with me?? That’s if she found out about it anyway. I know what your thinking. “But D not even with A anymore so why would you even think about ‘how she would feel’??” Very true. But for me it’s like telling someone you love that, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, and don’t worry I’m not leaving you for that person I told you about when we were together”….and then doing exactly that! Hoping you guys understand where I’m coming from on this.

I have learnt SO many things about me as a person too. Patience is obviously a virtue that has become VERY strong. Love is another obvious one. Accepting others and being less judgmental. These are two traits I have been working on. It has been too easy in my past to “judge” others for the negative things they do. Now I look upon them with love and accept that ‘some’ people will never change. Which is fine. But I know that in order to keep my live positive I need to stay away from these people. Accept who the are. But not waste my time or energy trying to ‘change’ them into someone I do want to spend time with.

There have been a few sad times in the past few months. None more so than recently. AS, a great friend of mine whom I met when I first arrived here. Decided that he could no longer stay here and went back home. I was absolutely gutted. I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as a friend to help him through the issues he was having here. I understood his reasons for leaving. I even understood why he didn’t tell anyone about leaving too. I said to him, via email, it was like one of best friends had died…I never got to say a ‘real’ goodbye. Again I understood why. I accepted his decision and did not judge him. I can only love him as a great friend and we both agreed that this would not be the end of our friendship regardless of where in the world we both are. It was just sad to have a close friend leave so abruptly. Much love to you my bro.

I miss my daughters too. Being away from them has been tough. I skype them every week which helps. But nothing beats actually snuggling and cuddling them. I remind myself of the future that I am trying to create for them, and me, this keeps me motivated and focussed.

I’m realistic. Im better than I was before. Im happier than I was too. Im not 100% there. But I am definitely 50%. I figure 50% is a better figure than the -50% I was sitting at more than a year ago now…

PS. God’s awesome. Nuff said.

Having children was the best thing that could’ve happened in my life. A fact.

The birth of my eldest daughter, now over 16 years ago, was the catalyst for my entire LIFE since then. She brought me focus. Kids can do that for some people.

My ex (Before A) and I had a terrible and looonnnngggg end to our 10 year relationship. Terrible (read the rest of the blog for that story). Our relationship ended less than 6 years ago. She has never forgiven me for my past transgressions. She has chosen to not forget the pain and anguish I put her through. I have ALWAYS understood this. And accepted it too.

I had hoped, as we got older and she found a new partner, that she would, fingers crossed, somehow forgive me. She has said that she has, but it seems very difficult for me to believe this.

Over the past few years she has, off and on, made things ‘difficult’ for me. Sadly mostly to do with our girls. Controlling every aspect of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful mother. She has done a fantastic job raising our girls. BUT she has forgotten (ironic) that I have helped her even with the limited input she has allowed me.

I often feel like an ATM. As long as I am paying her regular child support and extra cash for other necessities then everything is ‘okay’.

It is hard to find redemption in this situation, when redemption is not possible. It is hard to have to ask for permission to spend time with your daughters (we have no legal agreement, just a mutual one) and have any plans you have made for them squashed if my ex or her family have plans…regardless of you having ‘booked’ them in advance.

I have never spoken badly about my ex to my daughters either. I have always made sure to be completely respectful about my ex when talking to my girls. Even when there are times that my daughters REALLY want to stay with me or spend time with me and my ex decides that ‘something else’ has come up and they can’t do either. I just smile at my beautiful daughters and tell them that I love them and tell them i’ll catch up with them soon. I’m starting to get sick of making excuses.

I love my daughters more than any other female in the world…then my mum of course. I feel hamstrung. But I don’t have any other choice. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. Angry left me years ago.

Some people just don’t forget…

This quote from a wonderful blog I have been following resonates with me.

A, often asked me what made me want to start a relationship with her. I was upfront and honest with her and said I wasn’t sure. I did say that I found her attractive AND that I could see that she had a beautiful heart.

So, now you understand this quote.

Maybe that’s my problem? Once I make a “heart” connection I just can’t let go. Partners, Friends, etc. Why is this? Don’t know the answer to that either…

I guess that’s why it saddens me about “People Forgetting”…ahhh well, I’m never going to stop being who I am or opening my heart to people…that’s just not me.

I think the biggest mistake that people make in my situation is to close their hearts off to everyone around them OR of course the most obvious run towards the nearest person that showed any interest…it’s a catch 22 really isn’t it.

So, just wanted to share this quote. Like I said, It resonates with me and my heart.

Posted: August 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

It’s saddens me to write about this.

I’ve posted before about keeping connected with friends and family. This is something I have made sure to do. It’s something I’d forgotten to do in the past. I’ve made sure to reverse that trend now.

But, most people forget.

In my life I have supported/comforted, etc, etc many family, friends and acquaintances. Some people I have spent many a day and night bringing them up from their own pit of dispair. Maybe a little too dramatic, but you get the picture. It’s in my nature to want to help people. Always has been. I like being there for others. I like to think they would feel the same way. I have found that it isn’t always the case.

People Forget.

It goes back to me making strong connections. I open my heart and my mind to people. People I have only just met. I know this is strange, but I have always worked in reverse with my trust. I give people 100% of “me”…then I start taking back that trust when people ‘wrong me’. It’s like giving students and ‘A’ from the start of the term and they work to keep it..cliche, I know.

I am very skilled at making people feel good about themselves. I help amplify all the positive things that they have going for them. I offer them honest and open advice. I listen. I observe. I empathise. I’m good at it!

SOME people take advantage of this skill.

People forget.

Why have I decided to write about this?

I had some friends going through a similar situation to me last year. They have both now found new significant others. This makes me REALLY happy for them. But what…upsets me is the fact that they don’t seem to want to reconnect since I’ve been home. It just makes me sad. All three of us made strong connections through our shared experiences. Well I guess I thought we did. We all shared very intimate details about our situations, issues that we were going through, etc, etc. But now they are in relationships again I guess they don’t want to be reminded of those times. Fair enough. I can understand that. They know all about my journey too.

To be far, I have only seen one of the two and he did say he would contact me and make dinner plans…3 weeks ago now..LOL…but I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. The other mate I’m gonna contact asap!!

Like I said People Forget.

I wish they didn’t.