Posts Tagged ‘breaking up’

I can barely believe it myself. 23 months. Surreal.

I’ve read back through my Blog, from the beginning back in 2011, till just last month. 

And now here we are.

It has officially been 2 years since A and I “broke up”. But it’s another month to go before I finish the journey I have been on. This is really just a touch base post.

It’s funny too. Today while cruising through fb, I came across an interesting blog. It talked about finding a good women to marry. Actually the right women to marry. It was no surprise really. Said, what I have always believed in myself. Find a women who is independent and intelligent. A women who has her own money, her own friends, her own life. A women who does not need you and does not need you to takecare of her. But a women that WANTS to takecare of you.

I found it interesting that I “bumped” into this article today. Coincidence. Maybe. It was a very, very timely reminder for me. God send. I’d like to think so.

This is the kind of women I’ve had before. Lost before. 

Counting down, 4 weeks from now.

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

Forgetting.

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

This word sums up my general feeling over the last few weeks. Being so far away from my family near xmas I have started forgetting more and more about A, and my only focus has been getting home…I miss my daughters, I miss my family, I miss my friends.

I’ve had  a few hiccups recently too. Not major ones, but still hiccups. I met a lovely young lady. She is very attractive. We were playing in the same touch rugby team. She is the first female here whom I’ve been really attracted too. I’ve met others and they’ve been nice. But this lady is a little nicer…AND of course she is already taken. That ended that story quickly.

I saw her again this weekend. Let me tell you this, I LOVE women that are passionate about sport, which she is. This on top of her already being pretty made me just say, “This Sucks!”..we both did some very friendly flirting…that’s the slip I was talking about. I had to remind myself of my OLD patterns coming back. I’d forgotten. Fortunately i got myself out of there. Though I have to admit It was difficult.

I have found more kindred spirits over the past few months too. People with similar beliefs, which has helped my own resolve and reminded me of how important faith and God are in my life.

I have had various challenges thrown at me too, besides the one above…financial, emotional…two of the main reasons why I came her in the first place.

It’s official over a year now since A and I broke up. I definitely haven’t forgotten that! Still got another 12months to go though…not really such a big deal anymore…getting use to this single life…getting use to being by myself…just gotta stop forgetting…

I know it’s been a VERY longtime since my last blog…over two months to be exact. It’s been a busy time here in my new home. Plus I really wanted to hold off on blogging until my journey had hit the 12month mark…AND I needed to re-read all my posts too!

It’s been hard to know where to start or what to say too. The last 12 months have gone reasonably fast though. From the deep, deep lows of October last year, to the highs of mid 2012. I have taken great strides in becoming the person I wanted to become. But I have also had a few slip ups on the way here too.

Where am I now?…Halfway is probably the best way to describe where I am. 50%. Yes I did start this blog 9 days from now, BUT A and I “broke” up on the 13th October. I did wonder if I would be able to make it this far. As I have mentioned previously this is the longest I have been single, since High School. It has been tough at times, as it does get very lonely, especially when you don’t have your own whanau around you. Coming home to an empty apartment can be tough too. There have been times, not too many, where I have wished there was someone here waiting for me after work, after training, after rugby, just someone to share your day with. Fortunately this has not been a regular feeling, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that feeling everyday!

My slip ups have been few and far between. Just old habits trying to worm themselves back in. Probably the biggest one has been complacency. Becoming comfortable with my situation here. As always, when this happens I become lazy and everything seems to become a ‘chore’. I’ve had to slap myself to get motivated again. My memories of the painful heartache I have been through helps remind me. And, as I had anticipated, my Ta Moko is a very, very good reminder. Even though these memories feel very, very far away now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about A. Which has really surprised me. I guess cause this a situation I have never really been in before. I have been trying to forget her. I don’t want to forget her. I have definitely been actively trying to forgive her though. This has been a lot easier as time has ticked by. By not forgetting her, It has helped me process things better. Most people try to “block” these memories out. I haven’t. Originally I was WISHING my thoughts and feelings for her could be switched off. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am mentally strong enough now to ‘control’ these emotions better now. I can think about what I went through last year and not get those heartpains or feel tears welling up inside of me. Yes, I feel sadness. Those feelings of regret. But remind myself that there is no point in beating myself up anymore. I can’t change the past. I can control the now. I can change my future.

I still miss her. Just to put this feeling in some kind of context for you. I still miss M too! I’ve come to terms with these feelings. There never gonna go away. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I am connected with someone, physically and emotionally, that connection, to me, can never be severed. Sure it can weaken, point-in-case, but I’m forever connected. I still wonder how she is and what she is doing and if she still thinks about me too. It hasn’t happened that often, but I have thought about facebook stalking her…fortunately these have been fleeting thoughts! And it would obviously be counter-productive towards what I am trying to achieve on my end.

There has been a strange occurrence though. It was birthday in October. The bridesmaid (you’ll have to read my blog if you want to know more) whom, wasn’t the ‘beginning’ of my story but was definitely a catalyst for A leaving me, contacted me wishing me Happy Birthday. This was really cool. We got talking via text, and before I knew it we were planning a road trip around her home country next year during a holiday break here. I did question whether this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I spoke to EC and he understood where I was coming from. Now I am very attracted to her and I know that she is no longer with her BF. I know that I can’t “do” anything either. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but we haven’t really talked that much since our initial planning phase either…it’s a conundrum. I thought that by doing this it would be almost giving A ‘justification’ for breaking up with me?? That’s if she found out about it anyway. I know what your thinking. “But D not even with A anymore so why would you even think about ‘how she would feel’??” Very true. But for me it’s like telling someone you love that, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, and don’t worry I’m not leaving you for that person I told you about when we were together”….and then doing exactly that! Hoping you guys understand where I’m coming from on this.

I have learnt SO many things about me as a person too. Patience is obviously a virtue that has become VERY strong. Love is another obvious one. Accepting others and being less judgmental. These are two traits I have been working on. It has been too easy in my past to “judge” others for the negative things they do. Now I look upon them with love and accept that ‘some’ people will never change. Which is fine. But I know that in order to keep my live positive I need to stay away from these people. Accept who the are. But not waste my time or energy trying to ‘change’ them into someone I do want to spend time with.

There have been a few sad times in the past few months. None more so than recently. AS, a great friend of mine whom I met when I first arrived here. Decided that he could no longer stay here and went back home. I was absolutely gutted. I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as a friend to help him through the issues he was having here. I understood his reasons for leaving. I even understood why he didn’t tell anyone about leaving too. I said to him, via email, it was like one of best friends had died…I never got to say a ‘real’ goodbye. Again I understood why. I accepted his decision and did not judge him. I can only love him as a great friend and we both agreed that this would not be the end of our friendship regardless of where in the world we both are. It was just sad to have a close friend leave so abruptly. Much love to you my bro.

I miss my daughters too. Being away from them has been tough. I skype them every week which helps. But nothing beats actually snuggling and cuddling them. I remind myself of the future that I am trying to create for them, and me, this keeps me motivated and focussed.

I’m realistic. Im better than I was before. Im happier than I was too. Im not 100% there. But I am definitely 50%. I figure 50% is a better figure than the -50% I was sitting at more than a year ago now…

PS. God’s awesome. Nuff said.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted…Been busy enjoying being home and spending time with my beautiful daughters.

Being home has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last 5 months. I was concerned that all my old emotions would come rushing back, being surrounded by old memories. They didn’t hit me at first. In the past few weeks they have been hammering me again. EVERYTHING that reminded me of my past feelings for A have been doing the same things again…The biggest difference is, I can Handle it. Time does help heal old wounds, very cliché, but very true. BUT time, I think, only helps heal when you use that time positively. I really believe this is exactly what I have done.

I have made sure to surround myself with positive people. I have made sure to CONSTANTLY remind myself of my past decisions and actions. I have definitely wavered in some resolutions, but not to any tragic degree…and not before seriously thinking about the repercussions and consequences.

I must admit I didn’t think I’d still be thinking about A as much as I have been. I did think I would’ve moved on ’emotionally’ by now. I haven’t. Been trying to figure out why. Back home here as amplified these thoughts to. Just reminds me that I made the BEST decision to head to the UAE.

I KNOW that finding someone else would help me ‘feel’ better. There have been times I have been tempted to do this. But I remember my promise to myself. It is difficult being alone. Very difficult. BUT there are so many positive things happening for me now…becoming static or worse heading in reverse would make these past few months redundant.

BB and my bro EC reminded me to get blogging again. I thanked them for the push too. Just got into that comfortable place where I didn’t feel like adding anything as there wasn’t anything, I thought, was ‘dramatic’ enough…but I guess a blog doesn’t always have to be that way does it?

I’ve been following others blog’s too. They help me with my journey too. One in particular I find very interesting. This particular blogger has been great in expressing their feelings, truthful and honest. They make mistakes which they share with everyone…this helps me with my own emotional reflections. Watching others work through their own issues, similar to yours, helps in so many ways.

Past, present, future, 3 things that are my guiding principles right now. My Ta Moko’s remind me of these too.

Spent the weekend with two of my very good friends here in the UAE. We are all around the same age. They have a wealth of life experience and have travelled to many places around the world. They have been a huge help in getting me through my first few months here..Along with AS, MB, BW and BB. We get on so well. I am truly blessed.

Only problem is I’m sure my two mates are concerned/worried about my relationship status. For starters they don’t know about my journey. I’ve really had the opportunity to talk to them about it. 

We went to places that well…aren’t my usual choice when I want to go listen to music…basically they where club sized brothels. The females are all over you. If you didn’t know it was a ‘hook up’ spot you would think your were god’s gift to women. I felt extremely uncomfortable there. My mates where great they just liked playing along with the whole thing. These women were from asia and africa, many different shapes and sizes. It was a very interesting experience. And of course an important step in my own journey.

How hard can it be to keep the faith when there are so many temptations around you? I’ve never been one to buckle to peer pressure and trust me,my bros where hardout trying to get me to ‘talk’ to some of these ladies. I kept on laughing and telling themI would never pay for something you could get for free! I do think they have a suspicion that I’m gay…silly boys!

I’m not gonna lie, part of me was like “stuff it, just chat them up and have fun then let them down easy”…Couldn’t do it though. Which made me laugh. There are so many reasons why I need to keep the faith. My Ta Mokos (tattoos) are a constant reminder and my memories of the pain I felt and created with mine and A’s relationship are still very, very strong. Why would anyone choose to step back into the same shoes that you have worn, that still smell like crap?

Anyway, keeping the faith is a challenge. Trying not to lead any female on is a challenge. Surrounding yourself with constant temptation isn’t the best, but neither is locking myself away in my room either. All part of my journey though. Still had a great weekend with my mates too.

Ive been drifting this week. Thoughts of A and the past. Thoughts of me and the future. Wondering where I will be in 5 years OR 10 years time. I love the lifestyle here…but the job isn’t the best.

Anyway, what kind of thoughts have I had you ask? Just the same old ones about A. Wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her? If she’s okay? If she’s in love?…those kind of thoughts…Like I’ve said before “It’s the not knowing that can kill you and sometimes the knowing too!”.

The two ladies I met have kinda drifted away. Through no fault of mine. I went on a “hangout” not a date, with one of them. She is a lovely, lovely lady. We talked for a longtime about our different situations and connections. We had a great time. Caught up briefly again a few days later. Good times. And that has been that really. The other lady, well to be honest I saw here again at a lunch thing, again lovely girl BUT just not really my type…not that I think anything may have happened…but possibly could of.

My thoughts are clouded. Still drift off sometimes. Daydreaming about meeting someone special. Not pining for them, just waiting patiently. No rush at all on my end. Fully knowing that God has something great in store for me. He hasn’t lead me astray yet!!

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet two lovely ladies here.

Now I know most people following my blog religiously would understand that this is far off the concept of my journey. Which I completely agree with. The strange thing is this though. In the past few weeks my natural “attraction” has been working over time. For whatever reason. I spoke to EAC about it on fb. It started with small things, literally small things. My very good friend BB invited me for dinner…or maybe I invited myself?? Anyway, I had met his daughter before (she’s 3) she was very polite but seemed very shy. We got to spend a little more time getting to know each other while I was over for dinner. Not long after dinner I sat down to talk with my friend and his wife. His lovely daughter came over and I could tell she wanted to sit on my lap. She jumped on and with in a few seconds she gave me a HUGE hug. It made my heart swell. She even gave me a kiss…or a lick…kinda like a cat! It made me miss my daughters so, so much. BB said later that she obviously feels comfortable with you. I agreed.

A few days before that another good friend had me over for dinner too. AND the same thing happened with his daughter whose a little younger though.

I said to EAC that maybe I need to adjust the settings on my attraction ‘system’! She said, “maybe you should just turn it off!!!”. I love her candid advice. I know she’s just looking after my best interests.

This has continued with two ‘older’ ladies. Now I’m not saying they are ‘down’ with me, but I have enough experience that they are at least ‘interested’ in getting to know me. One wahine I’ll be catching up with at the end of this week as she is having a farewell brunch with some mutual friends of ours. I’ve challenged her to a dance-off! Of course the danger of this is that she may and I stress may take this attention to mean more…to be honest part of me is like “whats the harm?” and the other part is “you know what the harm can be!!”. I know I just have to make sure if she is interested that I don’t lead her on or tease her…maybe i’ve done that too much already?

The other lovely lady happens to be from my home country. She is absolutely lovely. Meet her in a lift at my mates apartment block. She is a perfect example of what I am attracted to; Blonde, blue eyes, cute, cuddly (not fat) and a wonderful smile…this is obviously all surface stuff. I invited her to txt me if she wanted to catch up and ‘bond’ (I know, seem to be overusing the ‘ marks a bit in this blog) And she did. Which was cool. We hangout for a long time. Talking, realizing that we had actually had MANY connections from back home. It was crazy! Definitely no coincidence that we met. I actually said that to her too. We shared our reasons for coming here and our own religious beliefs too. I am honestly very attracted to this young lady.

BUT, I’m still on my journey, which I have explained to her. She didn’t say too much about it though and I said it in a way that I am sure didn’t sound like “PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!” Again leaving everything up to God as per usual. He hasn’t led me wrong so far. It’s been 8 months now since A left me. Still miss her and still love her. Have to keep on track.

(Just checked my Criteria for my journey. Number One: I can have open friendships with females. Nothing more than friendship. And I must be absolutely honest with them about this from the beginning. Looks like I’m okay then!)

I’ve been out a few times with my mates here. Some are non-drinkers and some are drinkers. I’m a non-drinker but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as everyone is having a good time and not getting into too much trouble!!

Obviously there are many beautiful women here. It’s kinda a strange feeling. I don’t want to not attract women but I don’t want to set myself out on some unapproachable man-island either. 

We were at a restaurant. There were a group of ladies sitting across from us. In this country it can be difficult to see western women, especially showing any skin. This one particular lady was attractive. She was a buxom lass but had a very pretty face. I like buxom. Well, not too buxom. Anway, the temptation was hard to resist. As in “flirt or not to flirt”. I didn’t but it was still very, very tempting.

I continued my evening with my mates. We went to a few places with some scantly clad ladies. One of my mates tried to hook me up with a prostitute…very awkward… fortunately for me there was a huge language barrier. 

Temptation can be difficult to handle. When you have the right motivation though it’s so much easier. I have constant reminders of what I am trying to do. Things that I couldn’t do when I was with A. It still makes me sad to think about that. Just because my ‘coupleness” is on hold, it dosen’t mean I can’t still have a good time with my mates. Good times.

Don’t get tempted my temptation really. Just say no…or run away and hide if you can’t!!