Posts Tagged ‘breakingup’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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Having children was the best thing that could’ve happened in my life. A fact.

The birth of my eldest daughter, now over 16 years ago, was the catalyst for my entire LIFE since then. She brought me focus. Kids can do that for some people.

My ex (Before A) and I had a terrible and looonnnngggg end to our 10 year relationship. Terrible (read the rest of the blog for that story). Our relationship ended less than 6 years ago. She has never forgiven me for my past transgressions. She has chosen to not forget the pain and anguish I put her through. I have ALWAYS understood this. And accepted it too.

I had hoped, as we got older and she found a new partner, that she would, fingers crossed, somehow forgive me. She has said that she has, but it seems very difficult for me to believe this.

Over the past few years she has, off and on, made things ‘difficult’ for me. Sadly mostly to do with our girls. Controlling every aspect of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful mother. She has done a fantastic job raising our girls. BUT she has forgotten (ironic) that I have helped her even with the limited input she has allowed me.

I often feel like an ATM. As long as I am paying her regular child support and extra cash for other necessities then everything is ‘okay’.

It is hard to find redemption in this situation, when redemption is not possible. It is hard to have to ask for permission to spend time with your daughters (we have no legal agreement, just a mutual one) and have any plans you have made for them squashed if my ex or her family have plans…regardless of you having ‘booked’ them in advance.

I have never spoken badly about my ex to my daughters either. I have always made sure to be completely respectful about my ex when talking to my girls. Even when there are times that my daughters REALLY want to stay with me or spend time with me and my ex decides that ‘something else’ has come up and they can’t do either. I just smile at my beautiful daughters and tell them that I love them and tell them i’ll catch up with them soon. I’m starting to get sick of making excuses.

I love my daughters more than any other female in the world…then my mum of course. I feel hamstrung. But I don’t have any other choice. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. Angry left me years ago.

Some people just don’t forget…

There is one thing in life that is always constant – change.

If you are unable to change, adapt or be flexible you will always do what you have done. Obvious.

The problem is what type of change do you want to make? Positive or Negative?

I’ve been working on positive change for the past  9 months or so. I have had temptation thrown in my face and have come out the other end unscathed and even wiser than before. God has given me challenges and obstacles and I am pleased to say that I have managed to work through them, with the help of family, friends and my own self-determination.

I had a conversation with one of the most wonderful friends I have ever had the privilege of having, EAC. She has been a guiding light during these tough months. She shared something that had been weighing on her mind and the mind of other very close, loving mutual friends and family. They all really want me to come back home. I have always known this and it has never been a secret that I would love to come home too. They expressed the fact that my daughters are growing up without their father. They compared this too their own backgrounds with their own fathers. A few of my close mates either did not grow up with their fathers around or had an estranged relationship with them. I would place myself in the estranged relationship. They were trying to tell me that my daughters need me NOW not 2 years or more down the track. Again this is obvious.

I too have always believed in children having two parents to raise them. A very traditional view of the family unit I know. Problem is, this has dramatically changed, not only in wider society but also in my own life. When some fo my friends were just having their first children I was leaving the mother of mine. I stayed in that relationship for love, then for my daughter, I couldn’t stay any longer. I know my situation isn’t unique at all. What I do know is that as far as fathers go I’m pretty good. Sure, I’ve made plenty of mistakes BUT I’ve also done some pretty awesome things too. My ex has done certain things that have ‘restricted’ my input into our daughters upbringing. I’ve never been to sure if that’s because she is still angry with me (which she has the right to be) or she just genuinely forgets about me wanting to be involved in their life’s.

The strange thing is. With my time over here my ex and I seem to be communicating better with each other. Sure we would text or ring when I was at home but I would generally wait for her to contact me about anything to do with our girls. I usually had my daughters on the weekend and I would see m eldest daughter everyday as she attended the school I taught at. I felt that I was still able to maintain a very solid and positive relationship with my daughters.

I said to EAC that I could understand where my friends were coming from talking about their absent fathers and how they felt it had affected them. What I also said was not having their fathers around did not turn them into bad people. In fact they are wonderful human beings. What I thought about later was that God gives us challenges, like losing your parents or parent at an early age, through death or separation. We are tested and measured to see if we are able to cope, manage with something so difficult. SOME people come out better off without them and others…well not so good. I am absolutely adamant that my choice to come here is not going to affect my daughters in a negative way. Of course I miss them and I know how much they miss me. The questions that were raised by my friends words were; Do they think I will waiver from my resolve? Do they not think my relationship with my daughters will survive my ‘physical’ absence in their lives?

I love my friends and the support they have given me has been amazing. What they believe makes absolute sense to them. True. What I have learnt is that in life what you believe in can be easily changed by one simple event (or something more than that) I could go on and on about this but I think you go the point. I have changed and will keep changing, in a positive way. Gods with me. My family are with me. And so are my amazing friends.

Very, very, very dangerous place to be in…

It’s easy to start reminiscing about the “good old days” of being in a relationship with someone. I too often wonder why people think so much about their ex. Especially when their ex has left them for someone else. But we all know that EVERYONE has their own unique situation.

I have been reminiscing about all the good tinmes I had with A and also with M.I guess because they are the two longest and strongest relationships I have had in my life time.

I have thought about how things may have been different with M and I. I have thought how happy our daughters would be having both their mum and dad together again. But, then I remind myself why we finally separated in the first place. We both loved each other very, very much. But our marriage clocks just never seemed to be synced. It seems to be the same as A and I. We both often spoke about whether things may have been different between us if we were the same age and had met up earlier in our lifes. Again, just bad timing.

“If it’s ment to be it’s ment to be”, a very cliche line of course but apt none the less. For my situation I feel. We are all masters of our own destiny I believe, and we are also guided by the blessings of God. Not everyone believes this, that’s what makes the world so special. I have many friends and family that aren’t religious in any way. I don’t plan to connivence them other wise. I am happy how life is panning out for me now. Besides not having my daughters with me life here is good.

Reminiscing can make you feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s a strange feeling. I still think about many of my past relationships and I do wonder where each one of them has ended up. I’m not sure if we ever truly lose those connections with others? I guess we do if we really want to.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing, but can’t dwell on the past for too long right?

Don’t worry I’m not sitting in my room covering myself in a blanket of self-pity!

But, as some may know, It gets pretty lonely sometimes. I have plenty of wonderful new friends here and can see them whenever I feel like it. But you know it’s not the same kind of relationship that I’m feeling lonely for.

Waking up next to someone is such a wonderful feeling. Being able to turn over and look into the eyes of someone that loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you is such a great feeling! I miss this like crazy! I think that’s why I have a plethora of pillows in my bed.

It has been almost 7 months since my breakup with A. I have to admit, the last few months have gone rather fast. Those strong emotional feelings are still around, they are just more manageable. Random events set them off too. It’s hard not to think about her. I told BB, a great new friend here that this has got to be the longest time in my life (post High School) that I have been single. As I’ve mentioned before I have openly admitted that I am a serial-monogamist. I guess that’s why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

I spend a lot of my time with married couples here. It is wonderful to see their own relationships and the dynamics that come with being partners and parents. It makes me miss my daughters. I talk to my daughters at least once a week, which is wonderful. Just seeing them and hearing them reminds me of my decision to come here. They deserve to have the best father in the world. I was a good dad, but I need to be better. In my relationship with A, I was not a good role model for my daughters. But I will be. I’d like to think I am 70% of the way there. This makes complete sense to me as apparently “they” say that women are most likely to choose a partner that is just like their father (or mother, depending on your sexuality of guess). So, If I want them to choose someone kind, generous, caring, funny and a wonderful person, I need to sort my life out asap. Which I feel I am doing.

Life dosen’t give us many second chances. So you have to create that second chance. If being lonely is part of that, then so be it. Everyone makes sacrifices to achieve their own goals. Is mine more Nobel than others? Maybe. To be honest, I don’t care what others think. All I know is that I never want to be the person I was again. And I am going to make sure that my beautiful daughters will have at least ONE very, very positive male role model in their life. Regardless of where I am in this world, they will know this.

Lonely Times…Only for a while.