Posts Tagged ‘breakups’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

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Closure…

Posted: August 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve allowed myself to drift away from my weekly blogs. To be honest I’ve forgotten all about my blog until reminders from my mates. It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing here. I genuinely don’t have anything to add. Don’t want it to be a chore as I’ve mentioned previously…

Closure is something that I wish I had. I think that seems to be the biggest issue I’m having right now.

I know that I may never get the closure I would like…spending the last few months processing everything that happened before, during and after the breakup gets a little bit boring…but that’s how my mind works…very analytical and logical. Trying to straighten things out.

One minute I am absolutely positive why things went down the way they did…the next minute I get confused again…not sure where that’s coming from though.

I know that things have been getting better and they seem to have plateaued…Most probably cause I’m going to leave my daughters soon and head back to the UAE. They are still a strong reminder of why I am working overseas. They miss me. I miss them. But I know we won’t be apart for too long.

You know, I actually hope that one day A will be able to contact me just so I can hear it from her, I guess just so I can have confirmation of my thoughts…Closure is something that all relationships need…I think.

Had a very vivid dream last night. It involved A. I haven’t had a dream about A for almost 9 months. She was in bed with me crying and telling me how much she loved me. I said I loved her too. It was very vivid. It woke me up. Now a few months ago something like this would’ve knocked me back (emotionally) for a few hours. I’m lucky I’ve move on so much.

I did wonder why I had dreamed about her again…I am a true believer in ‘connections’ that people have. Connections that are never broken, even though we may feel they are. You know when you start thinking about someone of something and then all of a sudden you see them or it?? This is the connection that I feel I still have with A…Or possibly the connection I wish we had…

I feel that’s what’s happening to me right now. All these memories are coming back again, but instead of feeling strong emotional pain, I’m re-analyzing everything again. Good or Bad, not really sure right now…It has made me think more about future partners…It’s funny when catching up with various mates here one of the first things they have asked about is my relationship status, it did make me laugh. I’m sure they just want me to be happy. As we all know happiness is defined by being with someone…apparently…

I am interested to see how the rest of my time goes here at home. I know for sure that my daughters are missing me like crazy and I am constantly reminding them that It won’t be long before I’m home again.

It would be easy for me to blame A for making me head overseas, but that would just be stupid. The decisions I made in our relationship created my current situation. I know that without a doubt. Now it’s simple for me. The decisions I make now are going to define not only mine but my daughters futures too. Every moment I have with them now I make sure to drop pearls of wisdom…or maybe more like drops of caramel chocolate…Anyway, feeling positive about my life at the moment. Trying to keep up my promises too. Even with the bad dream…

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

That’s what I miss. Not so much the whole sexual contact. More so the hugs, cuddles and simple handholding contact. I’m a tactile kind of person.

I’ve been talking to my daughters almost everyday. It makes me happy that they are always so pleased to see and talk to me. If they weren’t I’d be really, really concerned. Being such a tactile person I need that physical contact. I miss cuddling my daughters. Having them jump up into my arms, well not so much M1 she is almost 16! But M2 loves running into my arms. M1 has been my babygirl for a very long time. I am blessed that she is so innocent and naive. She knows how much I love her. M2 is still only 7, I know she loves me, but she seems very relaxed about me being here. I guess that’s the whole age difference. Before I left I made sure that I spent as much time as I could keeping our physical contact strong, helping confirm my love for them.

That physical contact is different.

When A and I broke up I would sleep on her side of the bed, just to feel close to her. I didn’t really do that when we were together. I would drive in my car and reach across to the passenger seat with my hand and imagine that I was still holding her hand. It’s been hard not having that physical contact. I miss it.

I’ve found that the more connected you are the more amazing the physical contact feels. Again, it doesn’t have to be sexual contact.

I’m not really sure what I can do to make sure I don’t let this lack of physical contact mess with my resolve. Sins of the flesh and all.

It reminds me of what goes on here with local males. It is very acceptable in this culture for males to openly walk around holding hands. Very strange in most western cultures as this is seems as a ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ act. I’ve thought about this for a while. I believe it has to do with one simple thing. In islamic law it is forbidden for male and females to show public displays of affection. Sure you still see it happen here. But not often. Most of the working class here are males. Miles away from their families. They spend the majority of their time living and working with males. So I believe it’s something innate, in our blood to have physical contact with other human beings. Since they are unable to do that with females here, especially in public it becomes almost convenient for them to hold hands, etc in public. Makes sense right?

There in lies my conundrum. I’m not turning gay anytime soon and I can’t be in a relationship with someone for a few more months yet. How do I get this physical contact I seem to desperately need?

Yet another question for me to ponder on over the next few months.

Well my patience and faith have paid off.

I am officially flying to my new job in the UAE this Sunday. Finally!

The thought of irony has not been mis-spent on me regarding my previous post “Departing”.

It has been almost 4 months now since A and I broke up. For very, very long months for me. Without the support of my whanau, friends and the Mamaku Crew I don’t think I could’ve emotionally lasted this long. Heartbreak can do that to you.

After waiting so long and being prepared to leave 6 weeks ago, I sill feel in a weird purgatory state. The Mamaku Crew have been putting the guilts on me. Trying to get me to stay and work with them at BC. I laugh. I laugh not because I find it funny. I laugh because I feel uncomfortable with the love that they have shown towards me. Friends who I had forgotten about AND friends whom I never knew existed. I have never been comfortable at receiving praise. Which is probably why I find it so easy to dish praise out to others. Go figure.

I have slowly been texting friends about my leaving date. It’s funny how most of them know me so well. No “lets have a leaving party”, that’s just not me. Plus I only look at this job as a temporary departure. Not permanent. That’s how I promote it to my two beautiful young daughters too. CB and I had a wonderful conversation last week about my journey. She wanted to understand, in her mind, how I could leave my daughters. She shared her own experience with her father. It made sense to me then why she felt the way she did. M1 my eldest daughter is turning 16 this year. A very sensitive age for teenagers as we all know. What some people don’t realize is that M1 is very ‘different’ from most pre-adult teens. Her and I have always been strongly connected. Ever since I helped cut her umbilical cord and wrapped her in a cloth gauze. Bringing her out into the thrall of waiting grandparents and friends announcing her name with pride. Hiding the tears I had just spent in the birthing room with her beautiful mother. I swore to myself and God that I would never let anything stop me from being the best father I could be to her. For the majority of her life, I have managed to keep my word. Not all the time, I’m definitely no Saint. But I know that as far as fathers go, I’m not bad.

I didn’t want to share this with CB at the time. I wanted to listen to her reasoning. I wanted to understand her story. My mate AU had a similar story with his father. I think my friends sometimes forget that I have been a father for almost 16 years. And if there is one thing that I know about in this world it’s M1.

My departure is not only important to my own self-development. It is also important for my daughter’s futures. I have always tried to live close to them. To make sure I could be there when they needed me. I have felt in the past few years their mother has done her best to keep me away from their day-to-day lives. I have been more like and ATM than anything else to her. Well that’s how it feels to me. I believe she still holds a lot of resentment towards me. If you’ve read my blogs you can understand why. So I always ‘briefly’ express my disappointment, take a deep breath and send her positive blessing. Seriously. That’s what I do.

Someone who seems to be deeply effected by my departure is EAC. Her and I have formed a very strong connection. It’s like she was meant to be my sister that I wanted mum and dad to have when I was 11 (True story!!). We get each other. We understand each other mentally and spiritually. We both have very strong communication skills. We are both open and honest. We both trust each other. I joked with her one time that we were like Brandon and Brenda from the REAL 90210. She being Brenda of course. Maybe that’s why we have a ‘soul connection’. Maybe. Possibly. When we had to say goodbye on Wednesday she was off to her Yoga class. We had just had a great chat and already acknowledged that saying goodbye is a difficult process for her. I laughed (see 5th paragraph). I (brother/sister) love her. She knows that. God has brought us together on purpose. And it is no coincidence her husband is someone I love (brother love) too. EAC blogged about her friends and family being like a ‘web’. Connected by threads. Something like that. I agreed. And if I agree then ALL my friends and whanau are part of the web too. Connected forever.

I do wonder though if A knows anything about my departure. I really don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to feel that I am doing this to make her feel bad. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for my daughters. And I’m doing this to heal my broken heart. I’m departing from who I was. Who I had become. 2014, the Six Million Dollar Man returns…maybe with a wife?

 

I’ve been reading a great book. The Element: How finding your passion can change everything. Now I know that most of you are thinking. “This sounds like something airy fairy to me”. But it very, very interesting. It’s basically written by a very famous modern day educator Sir Ken Robinson. The book gives examples of people who found their passion, their gift in life, what they were born to do. After meeting MANY obstacles and barriers. Part of their journey was finding “Their Tribe”. A group of individuals who had the same passion. Who found something they loved.

Finding their tribe wasn’t easy, obviously. If it was easy we would’ve all found our tribe by now.

This week, I know, I found my tribe. Well I think I found part of my tribe. I have spent the last week living and working with the Mamaku crew. EAC, DC, AB and CB and the 3 Mamaku babies. We all have the same passion to help others. We all have a strong spiritual connection to God. And we all love educating children in some shape or form. We have many other similarities but these standout for me.

The Mamaku crew have been my main support crew over the past few months. Helping me heal from my heartache with A. Without them I would still be lost. I know they’ll be reading this so I would just like to let them know how much I love and and appreciate them.

Working with DC, AB and CB at BC this week has been fantastic. They have been trying desperately to get me there. And I can see why. I have found a place that fits me perfectly. They represent and believe in the exact same things I do. I am sure there will be some level of hypocrisy somewhere that will spoil my prefect vision of BC. But right now it would be a wonderful place to work at. But sadly I have already made my commitment to head overseas.

I know that the Mamaku Crew have done their best to show me how much love they have for me AND how much love I could bring to their lives and BC too. But I think they realize, well I know EAC does, that my journey to heal is still going.That working at BC is a ‘near’ future deal. I said to the Dp of BC that “BC knows me now and wants me back!’ he agreed.

As EAC expressed, I am still heartbroken. I agreed with her. I found half my tribe. Have to go find the rest.

These two words have come to the fore during the week.

I had a vivid dream last Friday. It was a little strange though. I was teaching in a school (I know that’ weird already!) and all the other teachers were ones that I have taught with over the past few years. Except they were all 30 years younger. So for this to make some sense you should also know that all these teachers were/are currently in their 60’s. Anyway, they are all-wise heads of the teaching profession too. Been at the game for a very longtime. In my dream they all looked very, very young and they were all very tall, which isn’t that strange as most of them are tall in real life. But in my dream they were VERY tall. I thought to myself that this dream must have something to do with whats happening in my life so I made sure that I paid attention.

The second part of my dream or scene was weird too. I was teaching in a class and a student decided to flash me her breasts. As you know this happens all the time in secondary schools! Part of me was like “whoa, a free show”, the other part of me was like “WTF”. WTF won and I woke up. I tried, as you do, to go back to sleep to see if the dream would finish off or at least continue. It didn’t.

There where two words that kept resonating in my mind during and after this dream; Prophetic and 27th of January. I’ve been trying to apply possibilities to these words over the past week. At first I thought the word Prophetic was a word my mind made up. I understood the core of the word, ref to prophecy, but wasn’t absolutely sure this word existed. After a quick google search I was corrected. The date seems a little TOO obvious to those following my blog. Could this be a leaving date for me? EAC and I had a good chat about these two words and the dream itself. She added her insight about the dream. Maybe the other teachers were a representation of were I wanted to be, an old wise head, and the ‘other’ part was a reflection of one side of me that I am struggling to get rid of. Made sense.

Straight after the dream I also had the urge to email A. For whatever reason I wanted to continue the ‘Al Turtle’ contacting system (sure I mentioned this a few posts ago). Basically you want to slow down the leaving process of your ex by keeping very limited contact with them and showing them, via email that you are trying to make positive changes, while still keeping things vague at the same time…I know sounds complicated, but it’s not. Anyway, I sent a short email to her outlining how I wanted to thank her for the decision she made. That it had forced me to step back and see the person I had become. And saying how I knew I needed to change ,supported by positive people. Something along those lines. She replied the same day. Which actually surprised me. It was a very short thank you reply and very business like. It reignited the painful feelings I had slowly been getting over. Reminded me of how hurt I still am and how much I still miss her at the same time. Tough situation to be in. Fortunately I have a plethora of support people around me. I talked to EAC about this too. She had some positive words to share.

This has been another obstacle that has tested my Patience and my Faith. I have always prided myself on my patience. Water off a ducks back and all that jazz! My faith is SOLID as can be too. EAC also helped me remember about other situations in my life were prayer and God have come into my life and helped me get through some very tough times. I’d forgotten them. When things are going well in your life you forget the hard times quickly. I have realized this during the past few months. It’s almost been 3 months now since we BU.

I am constantly being questioned by people about when I am leaving overseas. Politely questioned. I have lost count of how many times I have had to repeat my story. Definition of patience; Keeping calm after continuous questioning. I had this conversation with my mum last night.

People too quickly need someone to blame for what is going wrong in their lives. When in reality there are really only two things you can blame (If blame is what you want to do) God and You. I’d prefer the word responsible instead of blame. If you have true and utter faith then you have to realize that God has chosen to take you down a certain path. That path is not always paved with gold either. How will you learn anything if your pathway is unblocked and paved with continual happiness (gold)? There have to be cracks, so you can seal them up. There have to be broken cobblestones, so you can replace them. There have to be slippery patches, so you will remember where not to tread or what shoes you need to wear for your next journey to Te Awa.

Regardless. Patience and Faith are my catchphrase words for this week maybe even longer. Maybe others can use these words too.