Posts Tagged ‘connections’

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

I know it’s been a VERY longtime since my last blog…over two months to be exact. It’s been a busy time here in my new home. Plus I really wanted to hold off on blogging until my journey had hit the 12month mark…AND I needed to re-read all my posts too!

It’s been hard to know where to start or what to say too. The last 12 months have gone reasonably fast though. From the deep, deep lows of October last year, to the highs of mid 2012. I have taken great strides in becoming the person I wanted to become. But I have also had a few slip ups on the way here too.

Where am I now?…Halfway is probably the best way to describe where I am. 50%. Yes I did start this blog 9 days from now, BUT A and I “broke” up on the 13th October. I did wonder if I would be able to make it this far. As I have mentioned previously this is the longest I have been single, since High School. It has been tough at times, as it does get very lonely, especially when you don’t have your own whanau around you. Coming home to an empty apartment can be tough too. There have been times, not too many, where I have wished there was someone here waiting for me after work, after training, after rugby, just someone to share your day with. Fortunately this has not been a regular feeling, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that feeling everyday!

My slip ups have been few and far between. Just old habits trying to worm themselves back in. Probably the biggest one has been complacency. Becoming comfortable with my situation here. As always, when this happens I become lazy and everything seems to become a ‘chore’. I’ve had to slap myself to get motivated again. My memories of the painful heartache I have been through helps remind me. And, as I had anticipated, my Ta Moko is a very, very good reminder. Even though these memories feel very, very far away now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about A. Which has really surprised me. I guess cause this a situation I have never really been in before. I have been trying to forget her. I don’t want to forget her. I have definitely been actively trying to forgive her though. This has been a lot easier as time has ticked by. By not forgetting her, It has helped me process things better. Most people try to “block” these memories out. I haven’t. Originally I was WISHING my thoughts and feelings for her could be switched off. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am mentally strong enough now to ‘control’ these emotions better now. I can think about what I went through last year and not get those heartpains or feel tears welling up inside of me. Yes, I feel sadness. Those feelings of regret. But remind myself that there is no point in beating myself up anymore. I can’t change the past. I can control the now. I can change my future.

I still miss her. Just to put this feeling in some kind of context for you. I still miss M too! I’ve come to terms with these feelings. There never gonna go away. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I am connected with someone, physically and emotionally, that connection, to me, can never be severed. Sure it can weaken, point-in-case, but I’m forever connected. I still wonder how she is and what she is doing and if she still thinks about me too. It hasn’t happened that often, but I have thought about facebook stalking her…fortunately these have been fleeting thoughts! And it would obviously be counter-productive towards what I am trying to achieve on my end.

There has been a strange occurrence though. It was birthday in October. The bridesmaid (you’ll have to read my blog if you want to know more) whom, wasn’t the ‘beginning’ of my story but was definitely a catalyst for A leaving me, contacted me wishing me Happy Birthday. This was really cool. We got talking via text, and before I knew it we were planning a road trip around her home country next year during a holiday break here. I did question whether this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I spoke to EC and he understood where I was coming from. Now I am very attracted to her and I know that she is no longer with her BF. I know that I can’t “do” anything either. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but we haven’t really talked that much since our initial planning phase either…it’s a conundrum. I thought that by doing this it would be almost giving A ‘justification’ for breaking up with me?? That’s if she found out about it anyway. I know what your thinking. “But D not even with A anymore so why would you even think about ‘how she would feel’??” Very true. But for me it’s like telling someone you love that, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, and don’t worry I’m not leaving you for that person I told you about when we were together”….and then doing exactly that! Hoping you guys understand where I’m coming from on this.

I have learnt SO many things about me as a person too. Patience is obviously a virtue that has become VERY strong. Love is another obvious one. Accepting others and being less judgmental. These are two traits I have been working on. It has been too easy in my past to “judge” others for the negative things they do. Now I look upon them with love and accept that ‘some’ people will never change. Which is fine. But I know that in order to keep my live positive I need to stay away from these people. Accept who the are. But not waste my time or energy trying to ‘change’ them into someone I do want to spend time with.

There have been a few sad times in the past few months. None more so than recently. AS, a great friend of mine whom I met when I first arrived here. Decided that he could no longer stay here and went back home. I was absolutely gutted. I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as a friend to help him through the issues he was having here. I understood his reasons for leaving. I even understood why he didn’t tell anyone about leaving too. I said to him, via email, it was like one of best friends had died…I never got to say a ‘real’ goodbye. Again I understood why. I accepted his decision and did not judge him. I can only love him as a great friend and we both agreed that this would not be the end of our friendship regardless of where in the world we both are. It was just sad to have a close friend leave so abruptly. Much love to you my bro.

I miss my daughters too. Being away from them has been tough. I skype them every week which helps. But nothing beats actually snuggling and cuddling them. I remind myself of the future that I am trying to create for them, and me, this keeps me motivated and focussed.

I’m realistic. Im better than I was before. Im happier than I was too. Im not 100% there. But I am definitely 50%. I figure 50% is a better figure than the -50% I was sitting at more than a year ago now…

PS. God’s awesome. Nuff said.

It’s saddens me to write about this.

I’ve posted before about keeping connected with friends and family. This is something I have made sure to do. It’s something I’d forgotten to do in the past. I’ve made sure to reverse that trend now.

But, most people forget.

In my life I have supported/comforted, etc, etc many family, friends and acquaintances. Some people I have spent many a day and night bringing them up from their own pit of dispair. Maybe a little too dramatic, but you get the picture. It’s in my nature to want to help people. Always has been. I like being there for others. I like to think they would feel the same way. I have found that it isn’t always the case.

People Forget.

It goes back to me making strong connections. I open my heart and my mind to people. People I have only just met. I know this is strange, but I have always worked in reverse with my trust. I give people 100% of “me”…then I start taking back that trust when people ‘wrong me’. It’s like giving students and ‘A’ from the start of the term and they work to keep it..cliche, I know.

I am very skilled at making people feel good about themselves. I help amplify all the positive things that they have going for them. I offer them honest and open advice. I listen. I observe. I empathise. I’m good at it!

SOME people take advantage of this skill.

People forget.

Why have I decided to write about this?

I had some friends going through a similar situation to me last year. They have both now found new significant others. This makes me REALLY happy for them. But what…upsets me is the fact that they don’t seem to want to reconnect since I’ve been home. It just makes me sad. All three of us made strong connections through our shared experiences. Well I guess I thought we did. We all shared very intimate details about our situations, issues that we were going through, etc, etc. But now they are in relationships again I guess they don’t want to be reminded of those times. Fair enough. I can understand that. They know all about my journey too.

To be far, I have only seen one of the two and he did say he would contact me and make dinner plans…3 weeks ago now..LOL…but I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. The other mate I’m gonna contact asap!!

Like I said People Forget.

I wish they didn’t.

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet two lovely ladies here.

Now I know most people following my blog religiously would understand that this is far off the concept of my journey. Which I completely agree with. The strange thing is this though. In the past few weeks my natural “attraction” has been working over time. For whatever reason. I spoke to EAC about it on fb. It started with small things, literally small things. My very good friend BB invited me for dinner…or maybe I invited myself?? Anyway, I had met his daughter before (she’s 3) she was very polite but seemed very shy. We got to spend a little more time getting to know each other while I was over for dinner. Not long after dinner I sat down to talk with my friend and his wife. His lovely daughter came over and I could tell she wanted to sit on my lap. She jumped on and with in a few seconds she gave me a HUGE hug. It made my heart swell. She even gave me a kiss…or a lick…kinda like a cat! It made me miss my daughters so, so much. BB said later that she obviously feels comfortable with you. I agreed.

A few days before that another good friend had me over for dinner too. AND the same thing happened with his daughter whose a little younger though.

I said to EAC that maybe I need to adjust the settings on my attraction ‘system’! She said, “maybe you should just turn it off!!!”. I love her candid advice. I know she’s just looking after my best interests.

This has continued with two ‘older’ ladies. Now I’m not saying they are ‘down’ with me, but I have enough experience that they are at least ‘interested’ in getting to know me. One wahine I’ll be catching up with at the end of this week as she is having a farewell brunch with some mutual friends of ours. I’ve challenged her to a dance-off! Of course the danger of this is that she may and I stress may take this attention to mean more…to be honest part of me is like “whats the harm?” and the other part is “you know what the harm can be!!”. I know I just have to make sure if she is interested that I don’t lead her on or tease her…maybe i’ve done that too much already?

The other lovely lady happens to be from my home country. She is absolutely lovely. Meet her in a lift at my mates apartment block. She is a perfect example of what I am attracted to; Blonde, blue eyes, cute, cuddly (not fat) and a wonderful smile…this is obviously all surface stuff. I invited her to txt me if she wanted to catch up and ‘bond’ (I know, seem to be overusing the ‘ marks a bit in this blog) And she did. Which was cool. We hangout for a long time. Talking, realizing that we had actually had MANY connections from back home. It was crazy! Definitely no coincidence that we met. I actually said that to her too. We shared our reasons for coming here and our own religious beliefs too. I am honestly very attracted to this young lady.

BUT, I’m still on my journey, which I have explained to her. She didn’t say too much about it though and I said it in a way that I am sure didn’t sound like “PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!” Again leaving everything up to God as per usual. He hasn’t led me wrong so far. It’s been 8 months now since A left me. Still miss her and still love her. Have to keep on track.

(Just checked my Criteria for my journey. Number One: I can have open friendships with females. Nothing more than friendship. And I must be absolutely honest with them about this from the beginning. Looks like I’m okay then!)