Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

Nightmares

Posted: May 12, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Over the past month I have had a couple of dreams that have included A. For most parts they have been nice. Nothing crazy Just normal. Last night that changed.

I had a very vivid nightmare. A and I were ‘hooking’ up at my parents whare. My parents came into the room and, like in many dreams, I couldn’t understand their words but could tell from there body language they weren’t happy with the situation.

It then quickly switched to my parents chasing done intruder outside our house. It was dark and I couldn’t tell where they were or who they were chasing. I had a terrible feeling if fear.

I was semi-conscious physically shaking and sweating. It was ver upsetting for me. Very vivid. I had a strong urge to call my parents, but decided to let sleep try and heal this feeling. It worked.

I’m home sick today. Whether that had anything to do with my nightmare I’m not sure. I’m always trying to analyse dreams like this. Especially when they are do vivid. I’m not sure what it could mean.

I know that even after all this time I still miss A. I still love her. But I still live M too. I think I just have to accept that they will always be part of me forever. Possibly. Maybe.

God had helped keep me focused. My friends here and at home have been a great support too.

Only 6 months left on this 2 year journey. It’s gone surprisingly fast!

Advertisements

Had a very vivid dream last night. It involved A. I haven’t had a dream about A for almost 9 months. She was in bed with me crying and telling me how much she loved me. I said I loved her too. It was very vivid. It woke me up. Now a few months ago something like this would’ve knocked me back (emotionally) for a few hours. I’m lucky I’ve move on so much.

I did wonder why I had dreamed about her again…I am a true believer in ‘connections’ that people have. Connections that are never broken, even though we may feel they are. You know when you start thinking about someone of something and then all of a sudden you see them or it?? This is the connection that I feel I still have with A…Or possibly the connection I wish we had…

I feel that’s what’s happening to me right now. All these memories are coming back again, but instead of feeling strong emotional pain, I’m re-analyzing everything again. Good or Bad, not really sure right now…It has made me think more about future partners…It’s funny when catching up with various mates here one of the first things they have asked about is my relationship status, it did make me laugh. I’m sure they just want me to be happy. As we all know happiness is defined by being with someone…apparently…

I am interested to see how the rest of my time goes here at home. I know for sure that my daughters are missing me like crazy and I am constantly reminding them that It won’t be long before I’m home again.

It would be easy for me to blame A for making me head overseas, but that would just be stupid. The decisions I made in our relationship created my current situation. I know that without a doubt. Now it’s simple for me. The decisions I make now are going to define not only mine but my daughters futures too. Every moment I have with them now I make sure to drop pearls of wisdom…or maybe more like drops of caramel chocolate…Anyway, feeling positive about my life at the moment. Trying to keep up my promises too. Even with the bad dream…

I have tried to keep my word. Truly I have. But I have broken promises. In particular I have broken my promise to blog at least 3 times a week. I have stated before that this was going to be a huge challenge for me. In the past few weeks it has. My new life here in the middle east has taken over. There have been many chores to do and many more people to help.

Of course I feel bad about breaking my promises. But in my heart I know that there has been a reason for not posting. The hearbreak of losing A had been slipping away gradually. Each day I had been feeling better and not thinking about her as much. Which of course was positive and just proved to me that coming here was the best decision I’d made. As I haven’t been posting these feelings came rushing back. I think It had something to do with the fact it was her birthday this week AND it was her graduation. The more I thought about this the more the old feelings came flowing back…it was tough. Well it still is tough right now.

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is very nice. I crashed out on my new couch and had a dream about A. I haven’t had a dream about her since we broke up. It was a very sad yet vivid dream too. I was in my bed at home tossing and turning in my sleep calling out her name. It woke me from my real sleep. My heart hurt. I still miss her very much. I still wonder what she is doing and how she is. But I try not too as it just brings back those heart pains.

God has been very, very good to me during my time here. He has introduced me to some wonderful people and has made me challenge myself on a personal level, forcing me to do things that I wouldn’t usually do (nothing illegal or anything against my morals either). My patience has been severally tested here by various situations and people. I think these heart pains are just him reminding me about what I need to keep doing to receive such good will.

So, I’m going to take my friend’s advice, that’s you AB and go back to blogging once a week. This is not meant to be a chore or something I hate doing. It is meant to help me. Help me become a better person. Help me heal and even help me heal others form their own pain and demons. Almost six months gone even with the broken promises.