Posts Tagged ‘fear’


Posted: May 12, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Over the past month I have had a couple of dreams that have included A. For most parts they have been nice. Nothing crazy Just normal. Last night that changed.

I had a very vivid nightmare. A and I were ‘hooking’ up at my parents whare. My parents came into the room and, like in many dreams, I couldn’t understand their words but could tell from there body language they weren’t happy with the situation.

It then quickly switched to my parents chasing done intruder outside our house. It was dark and I couldn’t tell where they were or who they were chasing. I had a terrible feeling if fear.

I was semi-conscious physically shaking and sweating. It was ver upsetting for me. Very vivid. I had a strong urge to call my parents, but decided to let sleep try and heal this feeling. It worked.

I’m home sick today. Whether that had anything to do with my nightmare I’m not sure. I’m always trying to analyse dreams like this. Especially when they are do vivid. I’m not sure what it could mean.

I know that even after all this time I still miss A. I still love her. But I still live M too. I think I just have to accept that they will always be part of me forever. Possibly. Maybe.

God had helped keep me focused. My friends here and at home have been a great support too.

Only 6 months left on this 2 year journey. It’s gone surprisingly fast!


Started my new job today, covered in a blanket of anxiousness. It’s one thing to start a new job, but it’s a different kettle of fish when you are in another country and don’t speak the native language. I honestly thought this new challenge would be enough to keep my mind of A. It was and it wasn’t. The more anxious I became during the day, the more I started to think about her. It was like my brain was trying to ‘blame’ her for this feeling. That it was her fault that I was here and having these anxiety attacks. It makes sense that I see this connection.

It did make me wonder if this anxiousness would ever go away or subside. I truly believe it will. And yes I am well aware that TIME will help this happen.

I think you can attribute that feeling of anxiousness to a sense of ‘fear’. I always seem to get like his when there are unknown elements that I can’t control. It’s in my nature to want to control everything in my life. I constantly did this with A. Not always in a positive way. I myself helped create anxiousness within her during the end of our relationship. Well that’s what I believe anyway. Read back on my blog for more about this.

I hate this feeling so I always try to find a way to get rid of it. I had mentally prepared myself for this challenge. But you never know how you are going to react until you are knee deep in it. I really felt like I was going to drown in this sea of anxiousness today. And I did wonder if I had made the right decision to come and here and leave my ‘safe’ environment. I’ll have a few extra things to pray about tonight.

Anxiousness is definitely connected to my fears. Have to face them head on. I’ve done it before, just have to get up and do it again. Hopefully God’s listening again tonight.