Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

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Love Bruno Mars. Great songs. This song has been getting a lot of Air/TV Play. Finally spent some time listening to the lyrics. Perfect for my personal situation and the way I’ve been feeling too.

I should’ve, could’ve. would’ve.

Won’t happen again.

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

I know it’s been a VERY longtime since my last blog…over two months to be exact. It’s been a busy time here in my new home. Plus I really wanted to hold off on blogging until my journey had hit the 12month mark…AND I needed to re-read all my posts too!

It’s been hard to know where to start or what to say too. The last 12 months have gone reasonably fast though. From the deep, deep lows of October last year, to the highs of mid 2012. I have taken great strides in becoming the person I wanted to become. But I have also had a few slip ups on the way here too.

Where am I now?…Halfway is probably the best way to describe where I am. 50%. Yes I did start this blog 9 days from now, BUT A and I “broke” up on the 13th October. I did wonder if I would be able to make it this far. As I have mentioned previously this is the longest I have been single, since High School. It has been tough at times, as it does get very lonely, especially when you don’t have your own whanau around you. Coming home to an empty apartment can be tough too. There have been times, not too many, where I have wished there was someone here waiting for me after work, after training, after rugby, just someone to share your day with. Fortunately this has not been a regular feeling, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that feeling everyday!

My slip ups have been few and far between. Just old habits trying to worm themselves back in. Probably the biggest one has been complacency. Becoming comfortable with my situation here. As always, when this happens I become lazy and everything seems to become a ‘chore’. I’ve had to slap myself to get motivated again. My memories of the painful heartache I have been through helps remind me. And, as I had anticipated, my Ta Moko is a very, very good reminder. Even though these memories feel very, very far away now.

I haven’t stopped thinking about A. Which has really surprised me. I guess cause this a situation I have never really been in before. I have been trying to forget her. I don’t want to forget her. I have definitely been actively trying to forgive her though. This has been a lot easier as time has ticked by. By not forgetting her, It has helped me process things better. Most people try to “block” these memories out. I haven’t. Originally I was WISHING my thoughts and feelings for her could be switched off. I don’t feel that way anymore. I am mentally strong enough now to ‘control’ these emotions better now. I can think about what I went through last year and not get those heartpains or feel tears welling up inside of me. Yes, I feel sadness. Those feelings of regret. But remind myself that there is no point in beating myself up anymore. I can’t change the past. I can control the now. I can change my future.

I still miss her. Just to put this feeling in some kind of context for you. I still miss M too! I’ve come to terms with these feelings. There never gonna go away. That’s just the kind of person I am. Once I am connected with someone, physically and emotionally, that connection, to me, can never be severed. Sure it can weaken, point-in-case, but I’m forever connected. I still wonder how she is and what she is doing and if she still thinks about me too. It hasn’t happened that often, but I have thought about facebook stalking her…fortunately these have been fleeting thoughts! And it would obviously be counter-productive towards what I am trying to achieve on my end.

There has been a strange occurrence though. It was birthday in October. The bridesmaid (you’ll have to read my blog if you want to know more) whom, wasn’t the ‘beginning’ of my story but was definitely a catalyst for A leaving me, contacted me wishing me Happy Birthday. This was really cool. We got talking via text, and before I knew it we were planning a road trip around her home country next year during a holiday break here. I did question whether this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I spoke to EC and he understood where I was coming from. Now I am very attracted to her and I know that she is no longer with her BF. I know that I can’t “do” anything either. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but we haven’t really talked that much since our initial planning phase either…it’s a conundrum. I thought that by doing this it would be almost giving A ‘justification’ for breaking up with me?? That’s if she found out about it anyway. I know what your thinking. “But D not even with A anymore so why would you even think about ‘how she would feel’??” Very true. But for me it’s like telling someone you love that, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, and don’t worry I’m not leaving you for that person I told you about when we were together”….and then doing exactly that! Hoping you guys understand where I’m coming from on this.

I have learnt SO many things about me as a person too. Patience is obviously a virtue that has become VERY strong. Love is another obvious one. Accepting others and being less judgmental. These are two traits I have been working on. It has been too easy in my past to “judge” others for the negative things they do. Now I look upon them with love and accept that ‘some’ people will never change. Which is fine. But I know that in order to keep my live positive I need to stay away from these people. Accept who the are. But not waste my time or energy trying to ‘change’ them into someone I do want to spend time with.

There have been a few sad times in the past few months. None more so than recently. AS, a great friend of mine whom I met when I first arrived here. Decided that he could no longer stay here and went back home. I was absolutely gutted. I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I felt that I hadn’t done enough as a friend to help him through the issues he was having here. I understood his reasons for leaving. I even understood why he didn’t tell anyone about leaving too. I said to him, via email, it was like one of best friends had died…I never got to say a ‘real’ goodbye. Again I understood why. I accepted his decision and did not judge him. I can only love him as a great friend and we both agreed that this would not be the end of our friendship regardless of where in the world we both are. It was just sad to have a close friend leave so abruptly. Much love to you my bro.

I miss my daughters too. Being away from them has been tough. I skype them every week which helps. But nothing beats actually snuggling and cuddling them. I remind myself of the future that I am trying to create for them, and me, this keeps me motivated and focussed.

I’m realistic. Im better than I was before. Im happier than I was too. Im not 100% there. But I am definitely 50%. I figure 50% is a better figure than the -50% I was sitting at more than a year ago now…

PS. God’s awesome. Nuff said.

Very, very, very dangerous place to be in…

It’s easy to start reminiscing about the “good old days” of being in a relationship with someone. I too often wonder why people think so much about their ex. Especially when their ex has left them for someone else. But we all know that EVERYONE has their own unique situation.

I have been reminiscing about all the good tinmes I had with A and also with M.I guess because they are the two longest and strongest relationships I have had in my life time.

I have thought about how things may have been different with M and I. I have thought how happy our daughters would be having both their mum and dad together again. But, then I remind myself why we finally separated in the first place. We both loved each other very, very much. But our marriage clocks just never seemed to be synced. It seems to be the same as A and I. We both often spoke about whether things may have been different between us if we were the same age and had met up earlier in our lifes. Again, just bad timing.

“If it’s ment to be it’s ment to be”, a very cliche line of course but apt none the less. For my situation I feel. We are all masters of our own destiny I believe, and we are also guided by the blessings of God. Not everyone believes this, that’s what makes the world so special. I have many friends and family that aren’t religious in any way. I don’t plan to connivence them other wise. I am happy how life is panning out for me now. Besides not having my daughters with me life here is good.

Reminiscing can make you feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s a strange feeling. I still think about many of my past relationships and I do wonder where each one of them has ended up. I’m not sure if we ever truly lose those connections with others? I guess we do if we really want to.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing, but can’t dwell on the past for too long right?