Posts Tagged ‘Females’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

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That’s what I miss. Not so much the whole sexual contact. More so the hugs, cuddles and simple handholding contact. I’m a tactile kind of person.

I’ve been talking to my daughters almost everyday. It makes me happy that they are always so pleased to see and talk to me. If they weren’t I’d be really, really concerned. Being such a tactile person I need that physical contact. I miss cuddling my daughters. Having them jump up into my arms, well not so much M1 she is almost 16! But M2 loves running into my arms. M1 has been my babygirl for a very long time. I am blessed that she is so innocent and naive. She knows how much I love her. M2 is still only 7, I know she loves me, but she seems very relaxed about me being here. I guess that’s the whole age difference. Before I left I made sure that I spent as much time as I could keeping our physical contact strong, helping confirm my love for them.

That physical contact is different.

When A and I broke up I would sleep on her side of the bed, just to feel close to her. I didn’t really do that when we were together. I would drive in my car and reach across to the passenger seat with my hand and imagine that I was still holding her hand. It’s been hard not having that physical contact. I miss it.

I’ve found that the more connected you are the more amazing the physical contact feels. Again, it doesn’t have to be sexual contact.

I’m not really sure what I can do to make sure I don’t let this lack of physical contact mess with my resolve. Sins of the flesh and all.

It reminds me of what goes on here with local males. It is very acceptable in this culture for males to openly walk around holding hands. Very strange in most western cultures as this is seems as a ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ act. I’ve thought about this for a while. I believe it has to do with one simple thing. In islamic law it is forbidden for male and females to show public displays of affection. Sure you still see it happen here. But not often. Most of the working class here are males. Miles away from their families. They spend the majority of their time living and working with males. So I believe it’s something innate, in our blood to have physical contact with other human beings. Since they are unable to do that with females here, especially in public it becomes almost convenient for them to hold hands, etc in public. Makes sense right?

There in lies my conundrum. I’m not turning gay anytime soon and I can’t be in a relationship with someone for a few more months yet. How do I get this physical contact I seem to desperately need?

Yet another question for me to ponder on over the next few months.