Posts Tagged ‘financial’

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

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Returned to work. Leaving my home country was very difficult this time round. Been a long week of constant home sickness and surprise, surprise still thinking about A too. 

Xmas and New Years time seems to bring out all these emotions. That’s obvious. So no real surprise about the way I’ve been feeling recently.

It has been an extremely lonely week this week. First time I’ve felt this way overseas for a very longtime. Hence the pendulum. Pendulum of emotions.

It’s been affecting people all around me too. We all seem to be paying for our Xmas/New Years cheer. Emotionally and financially!!

Met a lovely girl on the flight back here. We got on really well. Things could’ve possibly continued…but had to remain focussed on my journey…VERY difficult though! Walked away from that situation, but man it was very HARD to do that…felt my old habits creeping back in again…I know it’s natural for me to be this way, but I want to make sure that I don’t hurt anyone anymore…especially someone from the opposite sex.

The pendulum swings and so do more emotions. I prefer the times when it stops. I know things will get back to normal in a few more weeks…My faith has helped me through much of this…along with some wonderful friends.

Things have been good. Not really, really good. But good. Hence the mis-blog or no-blog last week. Been so busy with my new job and living in a new country it’s been easy to get distracted.

I always think back to my mates words “Don’t let your blog become a chore”. So I haven’t. I’ve thought seriously about what I need to say. This blog has definitely been a huge help in healing my heart. But it’s not over yet. I still have another 18 months to go. Yip, that’s right, for those that have been following me from the beginning it’s now just over 6 months!

I still think about A. Wondering how she is and whether she still thinks about me too. I still think about all the things I have been through over this time too. I have learnt so much about myself and people around me. I am hoping that all this “new” knowledge is going to help me achieve my goals of emotional and financial stability. Praying too.

I can promise you this. I have been keeping to my righteous path and it has been paying dividends. Each time it feels like my faith is tested I give myself a friendly reminder. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than others and I’m definitely not judging others by their actions. I know I can’t change others around me. So I don’t try. As my good friend AS said “You do you and I’ll do me”. Simple statement (and funny) but so true.

I know that my actions and my words can easily influence people around me, without directing any of this towards them. It is in the subtlety of these two things that I can help others. Not much to add really.