Posts Tagged ‘focus’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

Had a very vivid dream last night. It involved A. I haven’t had a dream about A for almost 9 months. She was in bed with me crying and telling me how much she loved me. I said I loved her too. It was very vivid. It woke me up. Now a few months ago something like this would’ve knocked me back (emotionally) for a few hours. I’m lucky I’ve move on so much.

I did wonder why I had dreamed about her again…I am a true believer in ‘connections’ that people have. Connections that are never broken, even though we may feel they are. You know when you start thinking about someone of something and then all of a sudden you see them or it?? This is the connection that I feel I still have with A…Or possibly the connection I wish we had…

I feel that’s what’s happening to me right now. All these memories are coming back again, but instead of feeling strong emotional pain, I’m re-analyzing everything again. Good or Bad, not really sure right now…It has made me think more about future partners…It’s funny when catching up with various mates here one of the first things they have asked about is my relationship status, it did make me laugh. I’m sure they just want me to be happy. As we all know happiness is defined by being with someone…apparently…

I am interested to see how the rest of my time goes here at home. I know for sure that my daughters are missing me like crazy and I am constantly reminding them that It won’t be long before I’m home again.

It would be easy for me to blame A for making me head overseas, but that would just be stupid. The decisions I made in our relationship created my current situation. I know that without a doubt. Now it’s simple for me. The decisions I make now are going to define not only mine but my daughters futures too. Every moment I have with them now I make sure to drop pearls of wisdom…or maybe more like drops of caramel chocolate…Anyway, feeling positive about my life at the moment. Trying to keep up my promises too. Even with the bad dream…

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted…Been busy enjoying being home and spending time with my beautiful daughters.

Being home has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last 5 months. I was concerned that all my old emotions would come rushing back, being surrounded by old memories. They didn’t hit me at first. In the past few weeks they have been hammering me again. EVERYTHING that reminded me of my past feelings for A have been doing the same things again…The biggest difference is, I can Handle it. Time does help heal old wounds, very cliché, but very true. BUT time, I think, only helps heal when you use that time positively. I really believe this is exactly what I have done.

I have made sure to surround myself with positive people. I have made sure to CONSTANTLY remind myself of my past decisions and actions. I have definitely wavered in some resolutions, but not to any tragic degree…and not before seriously thinking about the repercussions and consequences.

I must admit I didn’t think I’d still be thinking about A as much as I have been. I did think I would’ve moved on ’emotionally’ by now. I haven’t. Been trying to figure out why. Back home here as amplified these thoughts to. Just reminds me that I made the BEST decision to head to the UAE.

I KNOW that finding someone else would help me ‘feel’ better. There have been times I have been tempted to do this. But I remember my promise to myself. It is difficult being alone. Very difficult. BUT there are so many positive things happening for me now…becoming static or worse heading in reverse would make these past few months redundant.

BB and my bro EC reminded me to get blogging again. I thanked them for the push too. Just got into that comfortable place where I didn’t feel like adding anything as there wasn’t anything, I thought, was ‘dramatic’ enough…but I guess a blog doesn’t always have to be that way does it?

I’ve been following others blog’s too. They help me with my journey too. One in particular I find very interesting. This particular blogger has been great in expressing their feelings, truthful and honest. They make mistakes which they share with everyone…this helps me with my own emotional reflections. Watching others work through their own issues, similar to yours, helps in so many ways.

Past, present, future, 3 things that are my guiding principles right now. My Ta Moko’s remind me of these too.

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet two lovely ladies here.

Now I know most people following my blog religiously would understand that this is far off the concept of my journey. Which I completely agree with. The strange thing is this though. In the past few weeks my natural “attraction” has been working over time. For whatever reason. I spoke to EAC about it on fb. It started with small things, literally small things. My very good friend BB invited me for dinner…or maybe I invited myself?? Anyway, I had met his daughter before (she’s 3) she was very polite but seemed very shy. We got to spend a little more time getting to know each other while I was over for dinner. Not long after dinner I sat down to talk with my friend and his wife. His lovely daughter came over and I could tell she wanted to sit on my lap. She jumped on and with in a few seconds she gave me a HUGE hug. It made my heart swell. She even gave me a kiss…or a lick…kinda like a cat! It made me miss my daughters so, so much. BB said later that she obviously feels comfortable with you. I agreed.

A few days before that another good friend had me over for dinner too. AND the same thing happened with his daughter whose a little younger though.

I said to EAC that maybe I need to adjust the settings on my attraction ‘system’! She said, “maybe you should just turn it off!!!”. I love her candid advice. I know she’s just looking after my best interests.

This has continued with two ‘older’ ladies. Now I’m not saying they are ‘down’ with me, but I have enough experience that they are at least ‘interested’ in getting to know me. One wahine I’ll be catching up with at the end of this week as she is having a farewell brunch with some mutual friends of ours. I’ve challenged her to a dance-off! Of course the danger of this is that she may and I stress may take this attention to mean more…to be honest part of me is like “whats the harm?” and the other part is “you know what the harm can be!!”. I know I just have to make sure if she is interested that I don’t lead her on or tease her…maybe i’ve done that too much already?

The other lovely lady happens to be from my home country. She is absolutely lovely. Meet her in a lift at my mates apartment block. She is a perfect example of what I am attracted to; Blonde, blue eyes, cute, cuddly (not fat) and a wonderful smile…this is obviously all surface stuff. I invited her to txt me if she wanted to catch up and ‘bond’ (I know, seem to be overusing the ‘ marks a bit in this blog) And she did. Which was cool. We hangout for a long time. Talking, realizing that we had actually had MANY connections from back home. It was crazy! Definitely no coincidence that we met. I actually said that to her too. We shared our reasons for coming here and our own religious beliefs too. I am honestly very attracted to this young lady.

BUT, I’m still on my journey, which I have explained to her. She didn’t say too much about it though and I said it in a way that I am sure didn’t sound like “PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!” Again leaving everything up to God as per usual. He hasn’t led me wrong so far. It’s been 8 months now since A left me. Still miss her and still love her. Have to keep on track.

(Just checked my Criteria for my journey. Number One: I can have open friendships with females. Nothing more than friendship. And I must be absolutely honest with them about this from the beginning. Looks like I’m okay then!)

For many years I have prided myself on being a very patient and caring person. This is how I expect others to treat me too. Sadly this is not always the case.

Sometimes It feels like certain people take advantage of my kind nature. The funny thing is I let people take advantage of my nature. For one simple reason. It’s a test. If these people don’t repay the kindness that I share with them, not necessarily towards me, then those people won’t see much of me again.

I am a very trusting person. When I first meet people I like to see the best in them. I like to be open and honest with them from the beginning and often give them the benefit of the doubt on certain behaviours that I usually frown upon. It is definitely not about me “judging” them. It’s more to do with seeing what people are ‘really’ like. As we all know everyone uses ‘masks’ to hide what they are really like. It just depends on what situation they are placed in before we actually get to see the ‘real’ them.

Once they have revelled themselves I am able to make a better decision on whether or not I want to continue a friendship with them. This has happened often in the past few weeks here. People whom I thought were ‘nice’ people ended up being (for lack of a better word) dickheads! Not only in things they said but in things they did, towards myself and others. There is only so far my patience can be tested. And I have learnt quickly to not invest too much time in these types of friendships.

A was someone whom I needed to invest more time in. She was someone I needed to show more patience with. That’s what you do with someone you love. That’s obvious. My situation is not isolated or unique. But it has taught me to do things BETTER than I use to do. To show patience and understanding to everyone, except for those dickheads. I’ve realised that I must make sure to surround myself with people who will not drain me of my own ‘energy’. I like my generous nature. But I don’t have to waste it on them.

So, patience is a virtue and something that I need to keep focussed on and spend it on good people. There are plenty of them around. I’ve even managed to have found some here…not many though!