Posts Tagged ‘friends’

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

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I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

Had a very vivid dream last night. It involved A. I haven’t had a dream about A for almost 9 months. She was in bed with me crying and telling me how much she loved me. I said I loved her too. It was very vivid. It woke me up. Now a few months ago something like this would’ve knocked me back (emotionally) for a few hours. I’m lucky I’ve move on so much.

I did wonder why I had dreamed about her again…I am a true believer in ‘connections’ that people have. Connections that are never broken, even though we may feel they are. You know when you start thinking about someone of something and then all of a sudden you see them or it?? This is the connection that I feel I still have with A…Or possibly the connection I wish we had…

I feel that’s what’s happening to me right now. All these memories are coming back again, but instead of feeling strong emotional pain, I’m re-analyzing everything again. Good or Bad, not really sure right now…It has made me think more about future partners…It’s funny when catching up with various mates here one of the first things they have asked about is my relationship status, it did make me laugh. I’m sure they just want me to be happy. As we all know happiness is defined by being with someone…apparently…

I am interested to see how the rest of my time goes here at home. I know for sure that my daughters are missing me like crazy and I am constantly reminding them that It won’t be long before I’m home again.

It would be easy for me to blame A for making me head overseas, but that would just be stupid. The decisions I made in our relationship created my current situation. I know that without a doubt. Now it’s simple for me. The decisions I make now are going to define not only mine but my daughters futures too. Every moment I have with them now I make sure to drop pearls of wisdom…or maybe more like drops of caramel chocolate…Anyway, feeling positive about my life at the moment. Trying to keep up my promises too. Even with the bad dream…

Spent the weekend with two of my very good friends here in the UAE. We are all around the same age. They have a wealth of life experience and have travelled to many places around the world. They have been a huge help in getting me through my first few months here..Along with AS, MB, BW and BB. We get on so well. I am truly blessed.

Only problem is I’m sure my two mates are concerned/worried about my relationship status. For starters they don’t know about my journey. I’ve really had the opportunity to talk to them about it. 

We went to places that well…aren’t my usual choice when I want to go listen to music…basically they where club sized brothels. The females are all over you. If you didn’t know it was a ‘hook up’ spot you would think your were god’s gift to women. I felt extremely uncomfortable there. My mates where great they just liked playing along with the whole thing. These women were from asia and africa, many different shapes and sizes. It was a very interesting experience. And of course an important step in my own journey.

How hard can it be to keep the faith when there are so many temptations around you? I’ve never been one to buckle to peer pressure and trust me,my bros where hardout trying to get me to ‘talk’ to some of these ladies. I kept on laughing and telling themI would never pay for something you could get for free! I do think they have a suspicion that I’m gay…silly boys!

I’m not gonna lie, part of me was like “stuff it, just chat them up and have fun then let them down easy”…Couldn’t do it though. Which made me laugh. There are so many reasons why I need to keep the faith. My Ta Mokos (tattoos) are a constant reminder and my memories of the pain I felt and created with mine and A’s relationship are still very, very strong. Why would anyone choose to step back into the same shoes that you have worn, that still smell like crap?

Anyway, keeping the faith is a challenge. Trying not to lead any female on is a challenge. Surrounding yourself with constant temptation isn’t the best, but neither is locking myself away in my room either. All part of my journey though. Still had a great weekend with my mates too.

Very, very, very dangerous place to be in…

It’s easy to start reminiscing about the “good old days” of being in a relationship with someone. I too often wonder why people think so much about their ex. Especially when their ex has left them for someone else. But we all know that EVERYONE has their own unique situation.

I have been reminiscing about all the good tinmes I had with A and also with M.I guess because they are the two longest and strongest relationships I have had in my life time.

I have thought about how things may have been different with M and I. I have thought how happy our daughters would be having both their mum and dad together again. But, then I remind myself why we finally separated in the first place. We both loved each other very, very much. But our marriage clocks just never seemed to be synced. It seems to be the same as A and I. We both often spoke about whether things may have been different between us if we were the same age and had met up earlier in our lifes. Again, just bad timing.

“If it’s ment to be it’s ment to be”, a very cliche line of course but apt none the less. For my situation I feel. We are all masters of our own destiny I believe, and we are also guided by the blessings of God. Not everyone believes this, that’s what makes the world so special. I have many friends and family that aren’t religious in any way. I don’t plan to connivence them other wise. I am happy how life is panning out for me now. Besides not having my daughters with me life here is good.

Reminiscing can make you feel happy and sad at the same time. It’s a strange feeling. I still think about many of my past relationships and I do wonder where each one of them has ended up. I’m not sure if we ever truly lose those connections with others? I guess we do if we really want to.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing, but can’t dwell on the past for too long right?

This kind of links into pervious posts but has amazingly become even more relevant recently. These apples can slowly rot away, ferment and engulf even the most experienced of us all.

They slowly spread their rot on to you. At first your own immune system can resist but with prolonged exposure (which can happen when you have no control over the placement of the apple) you too will fill with rot.

I believe A could see that all the ‘rot’ that was surrounding me was starting to rub off on her. rot is a strong word but it’s the best thing to use with this particular metaphor. The rot had built up inside me for a while. I never spotted it.I should’ve but I didn’t. Hence the idea of ‘experience’. Even the most travelled of all of us can get stuck in a rot (not a spelling mistake, just a cheap pun).

You can see what that one bad apple can do too when surround by others. The can do serious damage.

I’ve experienced this recently in my new job. It’s sad but you have to try to avoid these apples. I am getting good at spotting them now. And getting better at avoiding them too. Most of the time I just want to squash them…but cause I’m a pacifist squashing is out of the question.

It’s funny to cause I really love bananas. Apples make good pie though.

Well my patience and faith have paid off.

I am officially flying to my new job in the UAE this Sunday. Finally!

The thought of irony has not been mis-spent on me regarding my previous post “Departing”.

It has been almost 4 months now since A and I broke up. For very, very long months for me. Without the support of my whanau, friends and the Mamaku Crew I don’t think I could’ve emotionally lasted this long. Heartbreak can do that to you.

After waiting so long and being prepared to leave 6 weeks ago, I sill feel in a weird purgatory state. The Mamaku Crew have been putting the guilts on me. Trying to get me to stay and work with them at BC. I laugh. I laugh not because I find it funny. I laugh because I feel uncomfortable with the love that they have shown towards me. Friends who I had forgotten about AND friends whom I never knew existed. I have never been comfortable at receiving praise. Which is probably why I find it so easy to dish praise out to others. Go figure.

I have slowly been texting friends about my leaving date. It’s funny how most of them know me so well. No “lets have a leaving party”, that’s just not me. Plus I only look at this job as a temporary departure. Not permanent. That’s how I promote it to my two beautiful young daughters too. CB and I had a wonderful conversation last week about my journey. She wanted to understand, in her mind, how I could leave my daughters. She shared her own experience with her father. It made sense to me then why she felt the way she did. M1 my eldest daughter is turning 16 this year. A very sensitive age for teenagers as we all know. What some people don’t realize is that M1 is very ‘different’ from most pre-adult teens. Her and I have always been strongly connected. Ever since I helped cut her umbilical cord and wrapped her in a cloth gauze. Bringing her out into the thrall of waiting grandparents and friends announcing her name with pride. Hiding the tears I had just spent in the birthing room with her beautiful mother. I swore to myself and God that I would never let anything stop me from being the best father I could be to her. For the majority of her life, I have managed to keep my word. Not all the time, I’m definitely no Saint. But I know that as far as fathers go, I’m not bad.

I didn’t want to share this with CB at the time. I wanted to listen to her reasoning. I wanted to understand her story. My mate AU had a similar story with his father. I think my friends sometimes forget that I have been a father for almost 16 years. And if there is one thing that I know about in this world it’s M1.

My departure is not only important to my own self-development. It is also important for my daughter’s futures. I have always tried to live close to them. To make sure I could be there when they needed me. I have felt in the past few years their mother has done her best to keep me away from their day-to-day lives. I have been more like and ATM than anything else to her. Well that’s how it feels to me. I believe she still holds a lot of resentment towards me. If you’ve read my blogs you can understand why. So I always ‘briefly’ express my disappointment, take a deep breath and send her positive blessing. Seriously. That’s what I do.

Someone who seems to be deeply effected by my departure is EAC. Her and I have formed a very strong connection. It’s like she was meant to be my sister that I wanted mum and dad to have when I was 11 (True story!!). We get each other. We understand each other mentally and spiritually. We both have very strong communication skills. We are both open and honest. We both trust each other. I joked with her one time that we were like Brandon and Brenda from the REAL 90210. She being Brenda of course. Maybe that’s why we have a ‘soul connection’. Maybe. Possibly. When we had to say goodbye on Wednesday she was off to her Yoga class. We had just had a great chat and already acknowledged that saying goodbye is a difficult process for her. I laughed (see 5th paragraph). I (brother/sister) love her. She knows that. God has brought us together on purpose. And it is no coincidence her husband is someone I love (brother love) too. EAC blogged about her friends and family being like a ‘web’. Connected by threads. Something like that. I agreed. And if I agree then ALL my friends and whanau are part of the web too. Connected forever.

I do wonder though if A knows anything about my departure. I really don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to feel that I am doing this to make her feel bad. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for my daughters. And I’m doing this to heal my broken heart. I’m departing from who I was. Who I had become. 2014, the Six Million Dollar Man returns…maybe with a wife?

 

How do you combat these?

These have been thrown at me from every angle. They never stop.

Just when I think things are getting better, some obstacle is placed in front of me. Either physically or emotionally. Physical ones can be ‘shifted’ or ‘fixed’. Emotional obstacles are a little more difficult.

I just found out today that my departure from NZ has been ‘delayed’. Through no fault of my own. Now this is great news for my whanau, but financially no so good for me. Major Obstacle. It has left me frustrated and disappointed as you can well imagine. But I am reminded of the quote “when life throws you lemons – make lemonade”, I tried this before, didn’t really work out that well. Turned into a liquid, soapy bubbly substance that fast a lot like sunlight liquid. So you can see why I am frustrated.

Then along come two friends. One I had not seen for a while and another who I worked with. AW has been a good friend of mine for a few years now. We have had some wonderful personal discussions over the years. Today we met up for lunch. She had mentioned we should catch up before I left. I didn’t think we would, purely because I know how busy she is. So for her to fit me in really meant a lot to me. We went and had lunch and had another great conversation about where both of us was heading this year. She shared and listened and I shared an listened.It was, I feel, exactly what both of us needed. Maybe she knew that? Or maybe it just happened to be a coincidence? But in the past few weeks most things have happened for a really good reason. JW has been another friend who has been in and out of my life over the past few years. We met at TC. I had shared a link for my blog with her a few weeks back and asked her to read it and let me know what she thought. It had taken a while  but she finally replied. Her thoughts where perfect timing for me. She had/has been through a similar ordeal but is further along time wise. her words were healing words. Words that I needed to read, just like my conversation with AW. I truly believe that God, again, wanted to see how I would react to further obstacles and barriers being placed in front of me. Then, happy with my redaction, giving me two amazing voices of support and comfort in AW and JW. Wonderful thought.

As I now adjust to waiting even longer than anticipated my resolve is strengthened. I know now that I will forever have that support from my friends and whanau AND God has my back regardless of what my mind and emotions may tell me sometimes. Gotta keep my head up and be thankful.

When I first started this blog I did think to myself that it was going to be difficult to blog all the time. I was right. If you have read my blogs from the beginning, you can easily see how ‘wordy’ the first few were and then the rest reduced in length. And then the inevitable happened – I ended up repeating an earlier post. Not word for word but almost!

So, each week I try to reflect on things that I have been doing and think about how I can use them in my blog. This weeks focus is on these two things: Change & Temptation.

For what ever reason this week has felt like week 2-3 after A and I broke up. I have had the heart pains again, strong urges to contact A, days where I feel like staying in bed and doing nothing…just a lot of sad emotions flooding back from everything that had happened. It was like I hadn’t even moved on after 2 months of healing. I had a chat with EC and she helped me make sense of these feelings. She reminded me of the huge changes that I had been going through and am still going through right now. Resigning from work, heading overseas to a new job, leaving my daughters/whanau/friends, selling my car and other gears too. A major change for most people really. And as my departure approaches my emotions are backflipping all over the place. Part of me knows this is the best decision for me; emotionally and financially. Yet part of me just doesn’t want to let go of the…safeness. familiarity, comfort of where I am now. I think that is another reason why I am still struggling with A leaving me. She created these feelings for me, along with the rest of my family and friends. I think this is something she never really knew I felt when we were together. A simple analogy for this would be like a puzzle that’s missing the last piece to complete it. A was part of my puzzle but I lost her so my puzzle can’t be finished/completed. Well not until I can find a new piece.

I guess that’s what single people do though. Try to find pieces to finish their own puzzles with. That makes sense to me. That’s why some people find change so difficult. If you have been using the same puzzle for so long why should you have to change it? Or find a new piece for it when all the pieces you have are perfect? Well for me, right now, it’s not about finding a new piece really. For me it’s about making sure that the pieces I have are fitting right and they are all comfortable where they are. If along my journey I manage to find a piece I feel might ‘fit’ then awesome, but I am definitely not actively seeking! Maybe that’s why I have been feeling strange too. My job and car had been a part of my puzzle so getting rid of them creates more missing pieces? Possibly. The funny thing about those is that they are materialistic things that can ALWAYS be replaced. I have to remind myself of that fact. Family can not be replaced. Some friends can. And of course partners can be too. Some people find the latter easy to do, as in move on and think nothing of their ex. I am not one of them. Every relationship I have had in my life I can remember all of their names. I can remember specific things that made them attractive to me. And of course I remember all the things that I hated about them. And yet still I kept looking for the same type of puzzles.

What about temptation how has that been working this past week? As mentioned earlier, I have had those strong urges to get in contact with A. And wondering if she even knows that I’m going overseas? Luckily I have been able to handle these urges. I have also been tempted to just go out and find someone to make me feel good. I’m leaving soon so there wouldn’t be any strong connection. Well that’s what my old self would try and convince me to do. I have fought this temptation and won. Still feeling the loneliness though. That’s one of the tough parts in trying not to give into temptation…and trying to deliver me from evil! Indecision has been a monster I have been plagued with all my life so many times in the past week/s it has made me think about these massive changes going on in my life. And whether or not they are the right decisions too. Hence the temptation to just go back to status quo! Too many times people take the easy way out. Too many times I have taken the easy way and have given into temptation and NOT changed my ways. I’m living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks, even when the old dog knows the tricks already!

As my final few days count down and I think more and more about the MASSIVE challenge/s I have coming up, the more and more I feel the fear…the fear of giving up, the fear of not changing and giving into temptation, the fear I might not succeed in what I am trying to do. Make myself a better person. Make myself a better son/brother. Make myself a better partner.