Posts Tagged ‘Friendship’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

Nightmares

Posted: May 12, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Over the past month I have had a couple of dreams that have included A. For most parts they have been nice. Nothing crazy Just normal. Last night that changed.

I had a very vivid nightmare. A and I were ‘hooking’ up at my parents whare. My parents came into the room and, like in many dreams, I couldn’t understand their words but could tell from there body language they weren’t happy with the situation.

It then quickly switched to my parents chasing done intruder outside our house. It was dark and I couldn’t tell where they were or who they were chasing. I had a terrible feeling if fear.

I was semi-conscious physically shaking and sweating. It was ver upsetting for me. Very vivid. I had a strong urge to call my parents, but decided to let sleep try and heal this feeling. It worked.

I’m home sick today. Whether that had anything to do with my nightmare I’m not sure. I’m always trying to analyse dreams like this. Especially when they are do vivid. I’m not sure what it could mean.

I know that even after all this time I still miss A. I still love her. But I still live M too. I think I just have to accept that they will always be part of me forever. Possibly. Maybe.

God had helped keep me focused. My friends here and at home have been a great support too.

Only 6 months left on this 2 year journey. It’s gone surprisingly fast!

These terms aren’t new. I have thought about these often. I relate them more so to most individuals I know. And me too. I fully admit that I can be selfish, being a little older now I don’t have the luxury of using ignorance as an excuse for my selfishness. It is during my time here in the UAE that I have noticed these terms coming up more often.

Everyone who has travelled here for work have different reasons. Financial, Emotional some don’t have any other choice. What ever the reason people seem to come with a certain degree of ‘expectations’. I have noticed that some seem to think that they are ‘owed’ things by the company that has hired us. Luxurious accommodation,  the best position in the company, etc, etc. For the life of me I can’t understand this at all. I have not idea in our contracts where it states this at all!

For me it’s definitely a mixture of Selfishness and Ignorance. Thinking about themselves and ignoring everything and everyone else. They don’t seem to take the time to sit back and think about their actions and /or the ramifications of their actions. I refuse to believe that ALL people of a certain country, that will go unnamed, are self-centered, egotistical, dickheads. But there seems to be a large percentage here at the moment. I guess it’s easier to notice as the large majority of people here working for our company are from this particular country.

I understand completely that your responsibility should be towards your own health and well-being and that of your family and friends. Most likely in that order too. But does it have to be at the expense of others? In my opinion it doesn’t. Some people are just used to being aggressive to get their own way. That has never been my style. Yes, it has been said to me before that I am too soft. And, yes I would tend to agree. But, I have always ‘stood up’ for myself and others when I have deemed them important enough to do so. But again that is my relaxed nature. Some people are always ‘tense’, always ready to switch from ‘normal’ to ‘abnormal’ at the drop of  the preverbial hat. I’m sure we could go into depth about the whole nurture and nature debate, which me and my mate BB discussed recently. It was a good discussion. We agreed that some people are just ‘born that way’. Can’t argue with genetics. Then others behavior is learnt. We both used the example of our eldest children. The idea of disciplining your children from an early age which will help develop them into positive teenagers. This is reflected in my daughter M1. She is almost 16, but only rarely flashes her teenage angst that she is meant to have now. True she lives with her mum so I don’t get the full brunt of any ‘attitude’ she may have, but I have only every seen my daughter through a tantrum when she was 3-4years old. That was the last time. And the reason for this, I believe, was me dragging her through the mall we were in all the way home, putting her in her room, telling her off too and leaving her to ‘think about it’. Now to be honest I don’t think she fully understood what was wrong, but the fear that was created by me raising my voice at her was enough to ‘fear me’. I know that some people would be asking ‘why would you want your children to fear you?”. Good question. Here’s my thoughts behind that. I have rarely had to discipline my daughters (again the fact that they live with their mum adds to this) and so I am rarely angry or aggressive around them. So when they DO see me get angry or upset with them, they both know that it is serious and whatever they were doing needs to stop. My eldest daughter is still brought to tears if she knows her mum is going to tell me about some type of misbehavior. It’s a strange feeling knowing that your children love you but at the same time can fear you. It’s not a feeling I enjoy. But it is good to know that if there was some type of imminent threat to them that my voice alone would make them listen and react possibly saving their lives or the lives of others. That’s my reason behind the fear.

Slight digression, but I think you can see where I’m coming from. I guess this does cross over into my blog about the master and the slave in some sense. I would often treat A like this. Reprimanding her like a child if she didn’t do what I thought was the right way to do things, etc, etc. You can re-read my past posts to see all that.

Selfish or Ignorant, maybe a mixture of both. I guess it depends on who you are and where your from. Hopefully not from this one particular country…Jokes, two of my best friends here are from there…such a cliché comment.

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

A good friend of mine lost her younger brother this week. He died in a car accident. I didn’t ask for the details. I sent her my condolences and love from a far. There are not many words one can say to help make the pain go away when you have lost someone close to you. You just have to let them know you are thinking about them and that you are there to support them if they need your help.

What was scary about this death didn’t become apparent until EAC mentioned something to me. Something that I had mentioned in my blog before I flew overseas. I kept have ‘near’ car accidents before I left, seeing close accidents and some of my friends where almost in accidents too. So I blogged here warning my friends and family to be careful on the roads. I’d forgotten I’d even said that! What she also reminded me was of a dream I had had with a reaccuring date, 26th or 27th of Jan, can’t remember right now and I’m too lazy to check my blog for it! And the word “prophetic”. The date became relevant as my friend almost got hit by a bus on that day and the next day I received my documents back from overseas (to do with my job here). Now of course a family member of my good friend has died in a car accident. God, for what ever reason has given me glimpses into how powerful he can be and how powerful I can be too if I just keep the faith and believe. I can bare witness to this as MANY positive things have been blessed upon me since I have arrived here, praying and listening, praying and listening.

Now obviously this pathway is not for everyone and many of you would be thinking this could just be blind faith. It always seems that way when YOU are the only one that can’t see it.

I look at death in the same way. We all know we can’t live forever, that’s one fact no one can dispute. If you don’t believe in the after-life, well that’s fine too. Death seems so final. I can’t show you any proof whether or not heaven exist or hell for that matter. What I can tell you is that I have faith. People without faith find it easier to turn their noses up at others who do. Yet (from my experience) those very same people often turn to God on their death-bed. I’ve seen it happen with my own family members. Facing your own mortality can do that to you.

My breakup with A felt like a death to me. It truly did. That relationships death was enough for me to seek out God again and start my journey of healing and redemption. We don’t have much time on this earth at all. That’s obvious.I’m choosing not only to live a good life but also to share that good life with family and friends. I want my own death to be a celebration of life if anything, not a mourning of a lost soul. I’m not expecting to leave anytime soon though! I’ve still got a lot of work to do here. Apparently.

Feels a lot longer than that, but yip, almost 2 months have passed since A (well technically me) decided that our relationship was so crap she needed to find a way for me to end it. I have come a very long way since then, but looking at the big picture I’m just on the sidelines right now warming up and stretching!

I have found comfort in my whanau and friends. But have found it hard going in the afternoons, trying to fill up time so I can just go to bed and start a new day. I have spent many afternoons hanging out with an old friend and her whanau. They have been amazing. I don’t think they truly realise how much they have helped fill in that empty space that A has left behind. Just having other people around to talk to and do stuff with has helped so much. I think what I enjoy the most is the company of females. Not so much as the ‘physical’ company but more so just having conversations with the opposite sex.

My friends daughter JE has been a cool wahine to hangout with. She knows all about my situation too. We have had some great conversations too. Especially about her and her relationship with her bf. She voiced different concerns and frustrations about her relationship, not terrible things, just normal relationship stuff. I encouraged her (using my situation as an example) to just talk to her man about how she was feeling. She did and they managed to work a few things out. I basically said to her “If you care for him then you should be open and honest about how you are feeling so you don’t create a whole lot of resentment towards him”…something like that anyway.

I have been concerned that I might be repeating patterns I have done in the past, eg; attracting females in vulnerable situations and then emotionally manipulating them. JE and I get on really well, but this seems to be a historical thing too. Many of the female friends I have had in my life have been the same star sign as me. We are very similar in mindset and habits so it makes it easier for us to connect as friends. The late 2011 me would’ve used this to my own advantage. I guess in a way I am ‘using’ this relationship to fill in the void of loneliness I have, but I have been making sure to keep this a positive, plutonic relationship and nothing more. It has been hard though. Very difficult indeed. Breaking bad habits is tough.

I can identify ALL my negative behaviour patterns (there’s tons). I can tell everyone and anyone exactly what they are. I can now even explain why most of these patterns exist. But I still find it VERY hard to stop doing them!!

I said goodbye to all my workmates yesterday. That was really weird. I wasn’t really sad and I wasn’t really happy either. I didn’t know exactly how to feel about my departure. One of my very close mates said to me “Bro you have an awesome Aahua” I asked him what that was. He explained that Aahua was like your aura or your presence. I couldn’t thank him enough. When I looked at it more he was really commenting on my ‘character’, who I am as a person. He said that he would not have made it through his first year at kura without me there. This made me feel very proud to have him as a friend. He reminded me of the real positive behaviours I have too. In particular the “making people feel really good about themselves” behaviour. Making people feel valued even when they maybe thinking they are worthless. I started to think a little more about the cool things I have done. I have helped many students get into university courses and gain scholarships, not just on my own, but I know that I have played a huge part in helping them achieve this. Yes even A is a part of this list.

How do I feel 2 months on? Well, better. Still find some days hard. Still miss her heaps. And still think about her everyday. Wonder what 2 months from now will be like???

(KNEW this would happen sometime soon…DJ REPEAT. Some of this stuff has been repeated from another post. Still important though so I’m gonna leave it up…sometimes it takes a few times to make things a habit though!)