Posts Tagged ‘girlfriends’

Had no idea about the premise of this film. I really enjoyed it. Apt title. And perfect for my situation too.

I gave up on M (mother of my children). I couldn’t be bothered trying to safe our relationship. I choose the easiest way out. Hook up with someone else. I kept it secret from her. When she finally found out I had cheated on her with another person too. I’m not proud of it, but if you’ve seen this movie it makes a bit of sense Also if you’ve read most of my blog it makes sense too.

I truly absolutely believe we can’t choose who we fall in love with. We can’t anticipate where our hearts may lead us. M still has my heart…and what makes things harder for me is that A has the other part of my heart. That’s what makes  love so crazy.

M will always be a part of my life, that’s a given with the connection we have as a mother and father. There are certainly times when I think about M, like in the film and my post about reminiscing too. And A is right there in my mind too. With M I cheated on her MANY times and yet she still didn’t want to let me go. A cheated on me only once and I let her go just like that. It just made sense for me to let her go right then. And yet I would still consider re-starting a relationship with either of them. That’s what makes love so stupid.

If we are talking big picture stuff I love to love and I love to be loved. That’s a huge part of my nature. The film talks about soulmates and how you can’t give up on them. It took a really long time for me to give up on M. Like the film we met when I was 17 and she was 16. M was always there for me, just like A was too. Both M and A treated me better than any girlfriend could. I couldn’t keep up my end of the relationship. I should’ve, but I didn’t.

Unlike the film, there was no Grand Gesture. No big public speech in front of friends and family. Just tears, heartbreak and sadness…and anger…but mostly sadness.

Here’s what I know. Going out and meeting women is easy for me, I’m not saying that in a dickhead kind of way, but it always has been easy. What’s changed for me now is that I am more aware of NOT ‘teasing’ women making them think that I am genuinely interested in them. I am friendly and polite but the instant I sense they think there is more…I politely backout. I don’t want to waste their time or mine either. Life is short, There are plenty of fish in the sea, time does heal all wounds…all true. Like I said to one of my mates “I’ve never been a fisherman, but if I’m walking along the beach and a fish jumps out I’ll be more than happy to try it out”. Great film with a protracted and predictable ending.nothing like the real world sadly…

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For many years I have prided myself on being a very patient and caring person. This is how I expect others to treat me too. Sadly this is not always the case.

Sometimes It feels like certain people take advantage of my kind nature. The funny thing is I let people take advantage of my nature. For one simple reason. It’s a test. If these people don’t repay the kindness that I share with them, not necessarily towards me, then those people won’t see much of me again.

I am a very trusting person. When I first meet people I like to see the best in them. I like to be open and honest with them from the beginning and often give them the benefit of the doubt on certain behaviours that I usually frown upon. It is definitely not about me “judging” them. It’s more to do with seeing what people are ‘really’ like. As we all know everyone uses ‘masks’ to hide what they are really like. It just depends on what situation they are placed in before we actually get to see the ‘real’ them.

Once they have revelled themselves I am able to make a better decision on whether or not I want to continue a friendship with them. This has happened often in the past few weeks here. People whom I thought were ‘nice’ people ended up being (for lack of a better word) dickheads! Not only in things they said but in things they did, towards myself and others. There is only so far my patience can be tested. And I have learnt quickly to not invest too much time in these types of friendships.

A was someone whom I needed to invest more time in. She was someone I needed to show more patience with. That’s what you do with someone you love. That’s obvious. My situation is not isolated or unique. But it has taught me to do things BETTER than I use to do. To show patience and understanding to everyone, except for those dickheads. I’ve realised that I must make sure to surround myself with people who will not drain me of my own ‘energy’. I like my generous nature. But I don’t have to waste it on them.

So, patience is a virtue and something that I need to keep focussed on and spend it on good people. There are plenty of them around. I’ve even managed to have found some here…not many though!

I have tried to keep my word. Truly I have. But I have broken promises. In particular I have broken my promise to blog at least 3 times a week. I have stated before that this was going to be a huge challenge for me. In the past few weeks it has. My new life here in the middle east has taken over. There have been many chores to do and many more people to help.

Of course I feel bad about breaking my promises. But in my heart I know that there has been a reason for not posting. The hearbreak of losing A had been slipping away gradually. Each day I had been feeling better and not thinking about her as much. Which of course was positive and just proved to me that coming here was the best decision I’d made. As I haven’t been posting these feelings came rushing back. I think It had something to do with the fact it was her birthday this week AND it was her graduation. The more I thought about this the more the old feelings came flowing back…it was tough. Well it still is tough right now.

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is very nice. I crashed out on my new couch and had a dream about A. I haven’t had a dream about her since we broke up. It was a very sad yet vivid dream too. I was in my bed at home tossing and turning in my sleep calling out her name. It woke me from my real sleep. My heart hurt. I still miss her very much. I still wonder what she is doing and how she is. But I try not too as it just brings back those heart pains.

God has been very, very good to me during my time here. He has introduced me to some wonderful people and has made me challenge myself on a personal level, forcing me to do things that I wouldn’t usually do (nothing illegal or anything against my morals either). My patience has been severally tested here by various situations and people. I think these heart pains are just him reminding me about what I need to keep doing to receive such good will.

So, I’m going to take my friend’s advice, that’s you AB and go back to blogging once a week. This is not meant to be a chore or something I hate doing. It is meant to help me. Help me become a better person. Help me heal and even help me heal others form their own pain and demons. Almost six months gone even with the broken promises.

When I first started this blog I did think to myself that it was going to be difficult to blog all the time. I was right. If you have read my blogs from the beginning, you can easily see how ‘wordy’ the first few were and then the rest reduced in length. And then the inevitable happened – I ended up repeating an earlier post. Not word for word but almost!

So, each week I try to reflect on things that I have been doing and think about how I can use them in my blog. This weeks focus is on these two things: Change & Temptation.

For what ever reason this week has felt like week 2-3 after A and I broke up. I have had the heart pains again, strong urges to contact A, days where I feel like staying in bed and doing nothing…just a lot of sad emotions flooding back from everything that had happened. It was like I hadn’t even moved on after 2 months of healing. I had a chat with EC and she helped me make sense of these feelings. She reminded me of the huge changes that I had been going through and am still going through right now. Resigning from work, heading overseas to a new job, leaving my daughters/whanau/friends, selling my car and other gears too. A major change for most people really. And as my departure approaches my emotions are backflipping all over the place. Part of me knows this is the best decision for me; emotionally and financially. Yet part of me just doesn’t want to let go of the…safeness. familiarity, comfort of where I am now. I think that is another reason why I am still struggling with A leaving me. She created these feelings for me, along with the rest of my family and friends. I think this is something she never really knew I felt when we were together. A simple analogy for this would be like a puzzle that’s missing the last piece to complete it. A was part of my puzzle but I lost her so my puzzle can’t be finished/completed. Well not until I can find a new piece.

I guess that’s what single people do though. Try to find pieces to finish their own puzzles with. That makes sense to me. That’s why some people find change so difficult. If you have been using the same puzzle for so long why should you have to change it? Or find a new piece for it when all the pieces you have are perfect? Well for me, right now, it’s not about finding a new piece really. For me it’s about making sure that the pieces I have are fitting right and they are all comfortable where they are. If along my journey I manage to find a piece I feel might ‘fit’ then awesome, but I am definitely not actively seeking! Maybe that’s why I have been feeling strange too. My job and car had been a part of my puzzle so getting rid of them creates more missing pieces? Possibly. The funny thing about those is that they are materialistic things that can ALWAYS be replaced. I have to remind myself of that fact. Family can not be replaced. Some friends can. And of course partners can be too. Some people find the latter easy to do, as in move on and think nothing of their ex. I am not one of them. Every relationship I have had in my life I can remember all of their names. I can remember specific things that made them attractive to me. And of course I remember all the things that I hated about them. And yet still I kept looking for the same type of puzzles.

What about temptation how has that been working this past week? As mentioned earlier, I have had those strong urges to get in contact with A. And wondering if she even knows that I’m going overseas? Luckily I have been able to handle these urges. I have also been tempted to just go out and find someone to make me feel good. I’m leaving soon so there wouldn’t be any strong connection. Well that’s what my old self would try and convince me to do. I have fought this temptation and won. Still feeling the loneliness though. That’s one of the tough parts in trying not to give into temptation…and trying to deliver me from evil! Indecision has been a monster I have been plagued with all my life so many times in the past week/s it has made me think about these massive changes going on in my life. And whether or not they are the right decisions too. Hence the temptation to just go back to status quo! Too many times people take the easy way out. Too many times I have taken the easy way and have given into temptation and NOT changed my ways. I’m living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks, even when the old dog knows the tricks already!

As my final few days count down and I think more and more about the MASSIVE challenge/s I have coming up, the more and more I feel the fear…the fear of giving up, the fear of not changing and giving into temptation, the fear I might not succeed in what I am trying to do. Make myself a better person. Make myself a better son/brother. Make myself a better partner.