Posts Tagged ‘healing’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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Love Bruno Mars. Great songs. This song has been getting a lot of Air/TV Play. Finally spent some time listening to the lyrics. Perfect for my personal situation and the way I’ve been feeling too.

I should’ve, could’ve. would’ve.

Won’t happen again.

Had no idea about the premise of this film. I really enjoyed it. Apt title. And perfect for my situation too.

I gave up on M (mother of my children). I couldn’t be bothered trying to safe our relationship. I choose the easiest way out. Hook up with someone else. I kept it secret from her. When she finally found out I had cheated on her with another person too. I’m not proud of it, but if you’ve seen this movie it makes a bit of sense Also if you’ve read most of my blog it makes sense too.

I truly absolutely believe we can’t choose who we fall in love with. We can’t anticipate where our hearts may lead us. M still has my heart…and what makes things harder for me is that A has the other part of my heart. That’s what makes  love so crazy.

M will always be a part of my life, that’s a given with the connection we have as a mother and father. There are certainly times when I think about M, like in the film and my post about reminiscing too. And A is right there in my mind too. With M I cheated on her MANY times and yet she still didn’t want to let me go. A cheated on me only once and I let her go just like that. It just made sense for me to let her go right then. And yet I would still consider re-starting a relationship with either of them. That’s what makes love so stupid.

If we are talking big picture stuff I love to love and I love to be loved. That’s a huge part of my nature. The film talks about soulmates and how you can’t give up on them. It took a really long time for me to give up on M. Like the film we met when I was 17 and she was 16. M was always there for me, just like A was too. Both M and A treated me better than any girlfriend could. I couldn’t keep up my end of the relationship. I should’ve, but I didn’t.

Unlike the film, there was no Grand Gesture. No big public speech in front of friends and family. Just tears, heartbreak and sadness…and anger…but mostly sadness.

Here’s what I know. Going out and meeting women is easy for me, I’m not saying that in a dickhead kind of way, but it always has been easy. What’s changed for me now is that I am more aware of NOT ‘teasing’ women making them think that I am genuinely interested in them. I am friendly and polite but the instant I sense they think there is more…I politely backout. I don’t want to waste their time or mine either. Life is short, There are plenty of fish in the sea, time does heal all wounds…all true. Like I said to one of my mates “I’ve never been a fisherman, but if I’m walking along the beach and a fish jumps out I’ll be more than happy to try it out”. Great film with a protracted and predictable ending.nothing like the real world sadly…

Things have been good. Not really, really good. But good. Hence the mis-blog or no-blog last week. Been so busy with my new job and living in a new country it’s been easy to get distracted.

I always think back to my mates words “Don’t let your blog become a chore”. So I haven’t. I’ve thought seriously about what I need to say. This blog has definitely been a huge help in healing my heart. But it’s not over yet. I still have another 18 months to go. Yip, that’s right, for those that have been following me from the beginning it’s now just over 6 months!

I still think about A. Wondering how she is and whether she still thinks about me too. I still think about all the things I have been through over this time too. I have learnt so much about myself and people around me. I am hoping that all this “new” knowledge is going to help me achieve my goals of emotional and financial stability. Praying too.

I can promise you this. I have been keeping to my righteous path and it has been paying dividends. Each time it feels like my faith is tested I give myself a friendly reminder. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than others and I’m definitely not judging others by their actions. I know I can’t change others around me. So I don’t try. As my good friend AS said “You do you and I’ll do me”. Simple statement (and funny) but so true.

I know that my actions and my words can easily influence people around me, without directing any of this towards them. It is in the subtlety of these two things that I can help others. Not much to add really.

How do you combat these?

These have been thrown at me from every angle. They never stop.

Just when I think things are getting better, some obstacle is placed in front of me. Either physically or emotionally. Physical ones can be ‘shifted’ or ‘fixed’. Emotional obstacles are a little more difficult.

I just found out today that my departure from NZ has been ‘delayed’. Through no fault of my own. Now this is great news for my whanau, but financially no so good for me. Major Obstacle. It has left me frustrated and disappointed as you can well imagine. But I am reminded of the quote “when life throws you lemons – make lemonade”, I tried this before, didn’t really work out that well. Turned into a liquid, soapy bubbly substance that fast a lot like sunlight liquid. So you can see why I am frustrated.

Then along come two friends. One I had not seen for a while and another who I worked with. AW has been a good friend of mine for a few years now. We have had some wonderful personal discussions over the years. Today we met up for lunch. She had mentioned we should catch up before I left. I didn’t think we would, purely because I know how busy she is. So for her to fit me in really meant a lot to me. We went and had lunch and had another great conversation about where both of us was heading this year. She shared and listened and I shared an listened.It was, I feel, exactly what both of us needed. Maybe she knew that? Or maybe it just happened to be a coincidence? But in the past few weeks most things have happened for a really good reason. JW has been another friend who has been in and out of my life over the past few years. We met at TC. I had shared a link for my blog with her a few weeks back and asked her to read it and let me know what she thought. It had taken a while  but she finally replied. Her thoughts where perfect timing for me. She had/has been through a similar ordeal but is further along time wise. her words were healing words. Words that I needed to read, just like my conversation with AW. I truly believe that God, again, wanted to see how I would react to further obstacles and barriers being placed in front of me. Then, happy with my redaction, giving me two amazing voices of support and comfort in AW and JW. Wonderful thought.

As I now adjust to waiting even longer than anticipated my resolve is strengthened. I know now that I will forever have that support from my friends and whanau AND God has my back regardless of what my mind and emotions may tell me sometimes. Gotta keep my head up and be thankful.

Feels a lot longer than that, but yip, almost 2 months have passed since A (well technically me) decided that our relationship was so crap she needed to find a way for me to end it. I have come a very long way since then, but looking at the big picture I’m just on the sidelines right now warming up and stretching!

I have found comfort in my whanau and friends. But have found it hard going in the afternoons, trying to fill up time so I can just go to bed and start a new day. I have spent many afternoons hanging out with an old friend and her whanau. They have been amazing. I don’t think they truly realise how much they have helped fill in that empty space that A has left behind. Just having other people around to talk to and do stuff with has helped so much. I think what I enjoy the most is the company of females. Not so much as the ‘physical’ company but more so just having conversations with the opposite sex.

My friends daughter JE has been a cool wahine to hangout with. She knows all about my situation too. We have had some great conversations too. Especially about her and her relationship with her bf. She voiced different concerns and frustrations about her relationship, not terrible things, just normal relationship stuff. I encouraged her (using my situation as an example) to just talk to her man about how she was feeling. She did and they managed to work a few things out. I basically said to her “If you care for him then you should be open and honest about how you are feeling so you don’t create a whole lot of resentment towards him”…something like that anyway.

I have been concerned that I might be repeating patterns I have done in the past, eg; attracting females in vulnerable situations and then emotionally manipulating them. JE and I get on really well, but this seems to be a historical thing too. Many of the female friends I have had in my life have been the same star sign as me. We are very similar in mindset and habits so it makes it easier for us to connect as friends. The late 2011 me would’ve used this to my own advantage. I guess in a way I am ‘using’ this relationship to fill in the void of loneliness I have, but I have been making sure to keep this a positive, plutonic relationship and nothing more. It has been hard though. Very difficult indeed. Breaking bad habits is tough.

I can identify ALL my negative behaviour patterns (there’s tons). I can tell everyone and anyone exactly what they are. I can now even explain why most of these patterns exist. But I still find it VERY hard to stop doing them!!

I said goodbye to all my workmates yesterday. That was really weird. I wasn’t really sad and I wasn’t really happy either. I didn’t know exactly how to feel about my departure. One of my very close mates said to me “Bro you have an awesome Aahua” I asked him what that was. He explained that Aahua was like your aura or your presence. I couldn’t thank him enough. When I looked at it more he was really commenting on my ‘character’, who I am as a person. He said that he would not have made it through his first year at kura without me there. This made me feel very proud to have him as a friend. He reminded me of the real positive behaviours I have too. In particular the “making people feel really good about themselves” behaviour. Making people feel valued even when they maybe thinking they are worthless. I started to think a little more about the cool things I have done. I have helped many students get into university courses and gain scholarships, not just on my own, but I know that I have played a huge part in helping them achieve this. Yes even A is a part of this list.

How do I feel 2 months on? Well, better. Still find some days hard. Still miss her heaps. And still think about her everyday. Wonder what 2 months from now will be like???

(KNEW this would happen sometime soon…DJ REPEAT. Some of this stuff has been repeated from another post. Still important though so I’m gonna leave it up…sometimes it takes a few times to make things a habit though!)