Posts Tagged ‘Heart’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

This quote from a wonderful blog I have been following resonates with me.

A, often asked me what made me want to start a relationship with her. I was upfront and honest with her and said I wasn’t sure. I did say that I found her attractive AND that I could see that she had a beautiful heart.

So, now you understand this quote.

Maybe that’s my problem? Once I make a “heart” connection I just can’t let go. Partners, Friends, etc. Why is this? Don’t know the answer to that either…

I guess that’s why it saddens me about “People Forgetting”…ahhh well, I’m never going to stop being who I am or opening my heart to people…that’s just not me.

I think the biggest mistake that people make in my situation is to close their hearts off to everyone around them OR of course the most obvious run towards the nearest person that showed any interest…it’s a catch 22 really isn’t it.

So, just wanted to share this quote. Like I said, It resonates with me and my heart.

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

So I typed up a seemingly short blog just 1 minute  ago. Pressed publish TWICE and nothing happened. So here I am on Arrival part2. Let’s see how much I can remember!

I sit here looking out of my hotel window in Abu Dahbi, 8 floors above the sandy metropolis. And I wonder to myself “How the heck did I get here?” Not only was it the breakup of A and I but it was also the motivation I had to move on and make positive changes in my life. All part of the master plan to heal myself and hopefully become a better version of myself. D 2.0.

I have been skyping and face timing my daughters almost everyday. Getting use to the 9 hours time difference we have separating us. It has been great. I know I would’ve found things much harder without this face to face communication. They are a constant reminder to me about what I need to do while I am here. I need to make sure that I achieve my goal of building a positive future for myself so that my daughters can have an even more positive future. I know that being here and make certain sacrifices will help me achieve this. And the longer I have been here the easier I have been able to see this.

My arrival here has been a long time coming. All those following my blog know that. I realize that my journey to self-healing has just begun too.

What is funny for those of you who know A is that one of the first people I met here is from the UK, Blonde and LOVES animals. This of course makes sense as this describes A perfectly. I laughter with CM (that’s her initials) about this as we had a deep and meaningful conversation about this. I know, already pouring my heart out. It felt good to let her see my honesty and integrity. I feel she could see that I wasn’t trying to look for sympathy, she did actually ask why I came here and when I was vague about it she asked why again. I had nothing to hide. Open book and all. I’m sure over the next few months she will feel comfortable enough to share her story too.

Things right now are pleasant and I don’t have as many heart pains as I have had previously. I still think about A a lot. Maybe 50% of my day. Which I promise you is a dramatic fall! I still love her and miss her and I probably always will. I’m just working on increasing the size of my heart so I can fit someone else in. My hearts pretty big already though, but does get a little bruised sitting on my sleeve all day. God’s helping though. I would’ve had made it this far without him!