Posts Tagged ‘help’

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

The title says everything really. It has felt a lot longer to me.

As part of my criteria I promised to make sure I blogged at least once a week, even if things were going well. They are going OK. I have always said previously in this blog that I know ‘time’ will help heal. Which of course it has. Still been getting those heart pains recently.Could be still after shocks from the last email I got. Even thought it didn’t really say much. Well it’s more than could be really, is definitely from that email! Fortunately I’m able to cope with it better than I was a few weeks back.

So where too now? Keep trying to change my negative behavior patterns. Had this discussion with MB and AB during the week. Explaining to them, briefly, about whats going on etc. They’ve been overseas for the past two years and just got back in the country. It was their wedding that I met NC, the young lady who was, as far as I can see, the catalyst to all this. Not her fault at all. She was just the final straw for A. Well that’s what I believe anyway.

AB asked me if I still felt the same about A. Asked if she came back right now and said she had made a mistake would I take her back? I said nope, I’ve started a journey now. Neither of us would’ve changed, though I know I have changed a lot recently, she would have not idea what I am doing or going through. Well that’s what I believe anyway.

It’s lovely to see MB and AM so happily married and in love. Makes me jealous. In a nice way though, not in a; “Man you guys make me wanna throw up!” way. It just reminds me of what I want in my next relationship. Just to be happy. For me and my partner to be happy. I guess that’s one place I’m heading too now with me and A. I have finally started to think about her decision and how positive it is for me, and her. Her finding someone else, in a very short space of time, was only made possible through my actions. I thought about it today, for a change, and decided that her love for me was so strong that the only way for her to ‘handle’ leaving me was to have someone else to leave too…Possibly. Maybe. She would’ve had to realized the pain, guilt, sadness she would go through. Maybe.

I’ve started think that she may have thought I would’ve been fine. I had always been the emotionally strong one. The one who put up a brick wall when it came to emotions. Except for anger. Not many people in the world have seen me truly angry. She, sadly was one of them. I am thankful that the last memory, I hope she took with her, was of my tears of sadness and regret over what had happened. I do wish that she could’ve told me ALL the reasons why this happened. My gut tells me everything I have posted in this blog is right on the money. But it would still be nice to know. My love for her is still very strong. The love of my daughters has now become ‘real’ again. When this first started nothing seemed to break through that sadness. Nothing.

I’ve gotta make sure to keep blogging. I just hate feeling so needy. Not use to asking for help. I’m usually the one helping others. Gotta change that too. It’s a journey.