Posts Tagged ‘hurt’

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

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That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

Could’ve easily added more descriptives…but I think these words are perfect for how I am feeling right now. 

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything. As I’ve said previously I didn’t want to make this blog a chore. I wanted it to be something I would enjoy using. Hence the long wait between each post.

I’ve been back home now for over two weeks. Instead of feeling a great sense of “relief” (which I did have for a few days) I’ve been feeling the complete opposite. Sadly, this has developed from the now ‘strained’ relationship between the mother of my daughters and I. Long story short. She thinks I’m rolling in cash in my new job overseas. I do earn good money but not the Millions that she is assuming I earn. We have always tried to keep things amicable between us especially for our daughters. The only time we’ve ever had issues has been with money.

If you’ve read through my blog you’ll know the whole background story with our relationship. 10 years together, the last few were not so good, mostly my bad too, ended our relationship 6 years ago…and now, as my ex would put it, she is making me pay for my transgressions. The money has become an even bigger issue as 3 months ago she decided to resign from her job (good job too) because she was having issues with another female staff member (side note: she left her last job for the same reason…see a pattern here). NOW, don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful mother and loves the girls to pieces…as do I. BUT, now she has decided, because I won’t meet her monetary requirements, that spending time with my daughters will be “restricted”. To set things straight. I already pay her child support (we have had a mutual agreement) and have helped pay for other bills for the girls here and there. With all this I have never been guaranteed access…well, we had said that I would get the girls on the weekends…but what ever plans my ex has takes priority…I have no say in educational decisions or anything else for that matter…All I am expected to do is help pay for everything, without question. This is how it has been for the past 6 years. I accepted this as I wanted to keep my relationship with the girls strong.

This has now obviously changed. My ex knows that I am only home for a short time and won’t be back for over a year. She has decided to block plans for me to meet up with the girls overseas somewhere next year. Apparently now I don’t deserve any kind of credit for being the girls dad.

Look, I’m not saying I’m now or have been the BEST dad in the world. BUT, I know that I have worked damn hard to be a strong. positive role model for my daughters…I feel that my ex is still punishing me for being such an A-Hole when we were together…and I don’t see any end to that soon…

Feeling; Lost, Stuck and Confused has been created by all of this happening. One side of me wants to go ballistic at her, and I’ve felt that building up inside me over the past week or so…BUT the other side of me reminds me of the journey I am on…”remembering the past, working on those past mistakes to build a better future, for not only me but my daughters too”…trying…I just don’t know what to do. I feel like running back to the UAE, but I feel that’s what my ex wants. She has a partner and he is good to my girls, which makes me happy. But I can already see that my ex is trying to replace me…she already made sure that any activity he has organized with the girls takes priority above anything that I may have wanted to do or planned to do…I feel like she is trying to wipe me out of the girl’s life. Maybe.

I just hate all this bullcrap. Sometimes I think I should’ve just stayed with her and been miserable…sometimes I think that would’ve been stupid. I just wish that she could let go of the bitterness she has towards me…but she can’t and I don’t think she ever will…she wants to see me unhappy, she wants to see me in pain, like the pain I put her though near the end of our relationship. Maybe. Probably.

And even though this has all happened. I still love her. She is the mother of my children. She is a wonderful mother. She WAS a wonderful partner. I wasn’t. I know that. I’ve tried to redeem myself for my past with her. Nothing I can say or do will ever erase this past. Lost. Stuck. Confused.

I have been tempted. I’ve mentioned that before. It seems to get harder to NOT be my old self. I can’t resist the fun ‘banter’ and ‘word play‘ with female acquaintances. I am naturally a flirt. Others would call it charming. Either way I just couldn’t help myself last night. Having a conversation with a new female friend and I purposely made her jealous by pretending that I had another female friend hangout with me. I know, just ridiculous. I couldn’t help myself. It was like staring at an accident. I could see it coming and just couldn’t look away. The more I try to stop the more I continued.

At the end of it all I felt stupid. And questioned myself. It’s obvious that I do suffer from narcissistic behavior. I enjoyed the feeling of manipulating someone else’s feelings. Scary I know. It was definitely a power trip. It still comes easy to me. I still haven’t changed as much as I had hoped. I felt terrible too. Fortunately nothing else happened and I didn’t make things worse between us. I kept my friendship positive in the end. Thank God.

I was always afraid of this happening. That as I started to think about A less and less my old behaviors would start to sneak back in. And they have. It’s going to take a little while longer I think. In fact I’m almost positive it’s going to take a little longer. It’s hard when I don’t want to lock myself away from the rest of the world, in particular girls. Which can be really easy in a place like this. Hard times. But that’s what a broken heart can do.