Posts Tagged ‘journey’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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I can barely believe it myself. 23 months. Surreal.

I’ve read back through my Blog, from the beginning back in 2011, till just last month. 

And now here we are.

It has officially been 2 years since A and I “broke up”. But it’s another month to go before I finish the journey I have been on. This is really just a touch base post.

It’s funny too. Today while cruising through fb, I came across an interesting blog. It talked about finding a good women to marry. Actually the right women to marry. It was no surprise really. Said, what I have always believed in myself. Find a women who is independent and intelligent. A women who has her own money, her own friends, her own life. A women who does not need you and does not need you to takecare of her. But a women that WANTS to takecare of you.

I found it interesting that I “bumped” into this article today. Coincidence. Maybe. It was a very, very timely reminder for me. God send. I’d like to think so.

This is the kind of women I’ve had before. Lost before. 

Counting down, 4 weeks from now.

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

For the first time, in a long time I’ve run out of words. 

I don’t know what else to say without it seeming…forced.

I’ve been avoiding my blog for this very reason. My lack of words prevented me from logging on.

But I know how much this blog has helped me in my journey. Along with everything and everyone else. 

I still have 5 months left on my journey. Time has gone fast, I have to admit.

I have also managed to meet someone too. Nice girl. Nothing serious. But still it’s been nice to have someone to distract me from the odd mundane times. It’s been good to see how far I’ve come too. I haven’t had the opportunity to see how I would interact with someone whom I am potentially interested in. I feel things went well, there were certainly times when it was hard for me to resist the old me. But that’s not surprising.

Life has been good to me. So I just keep the faith in God and the path that I have chosen and created for myself. It’s really not that difficult. Well, not anymore.

Love Bruno Mars. Great songs. This song has been getting a lot of Air/TV Play. Finally spent some time listening to the lyrics. Perfect for my personal situation and the way I’ve been feeling too.

I should’ve, could’ve. would’ve.

Won’t happen again.

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

Spent the weekend with two of my very good friends here in the UAE. We are all around the same age. They have a wealth of life experience and have travelled to many places around the world. They have been a huge help in getting me through my first few months here..Along with AS, MB, BW and BB. We get on so well. I am truly blessed.

Only problem is I’m sure my two mates are concerned/worried about my relationship status. For starters they don’t know about my journey. I’ve really had the opportunity to talk to them about it. 

We went to places that well…aren’t my usual choice when I want to go listen to music…basically they where club sized brothels. The females are all over you. If you didn’t know it was a ‘hook up’ spot you would think your were god’s gift to women. I felt extremely uncomfortable there. My mates where great they just liked playing along with the whole thing. These women were from asia and africa, many different shapes and sizes. It was a very interesting experience. And of course an important step in my own journey.

How hard can it be to keep the faith when there are so many temptations around you? I’ve never been one to buckle to peer pressure and trust me,my bros where hardout trying to get me to ‘talk’ to some of these ladies. I kept on laughing and telling themI would never pay for something you could get for free! I do think they have a suspicion that I’m gay…silly boys!

I’m not gonna lie, part of me was like “stuff it, just chat them up and have fun then let them down easy”…Couldn’t do it though. Which made me laugh. There are so many reasons why I need to keep the faith. My Ta Mokos (tattoos) are a constant reminder and my memories of the pain I felt and created with mine and A’s relationship are still very, very strong. Why would anyone choose to step back into the same shoes that you have worn, that still smell like crap?

Anyway, keeping the faith is a challenge. Trying not to lead any female on is a challenge. Surrounding yourself with constant temptation isn’t the best, but neither is locking myself away in my room either. All part of my journey though. Still had a great weekend with my mates too.

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet two lovely ladies here.

Now I know most people following my blog religiously would understand that this is far off the concept of my journey. Which I completely agree with. The strange thing is this though. In the past few weeks my natural “attraction” has been working over time. For whatever reason. I spoke to EAC about it on fb. It started with small things, literally small things. My very good friend BB invited me for dinner…or maybe I invited myself?? Anyway, I had met his daughter before (she’s 3) she was very polite but seemed very shy. We got to spend a little more time getting to know each other while I was over for dinner. Not long after dinner I sat down to talk with my friend and his wife. His lovely daughter came over and I could tell she wanted to sit on my lap. She jumped on and with in a few seconds she gave me a HUGE hug. It made my heart swell. She even gave me a kiss…or a lick…kinda like a cat! It made me miss my daughters so, so much. BB said later that she obviously feels comfortable with you. I agreed.

A few days before that another good friend had me over for dinner too. AND the same thing happened with his daughter whose a little younger though.

I said to EAC that maybe I need to adjust the settings on my attraction ‘system’! She said, “maybe you should just turn it off!!!”. I love her candid advice. I know she’s just looking after my best interests.

This has continued with two ‘older’ ladies. Now I’m not saying they are ‘down’ with me, but I have enough experience that they are at least ‘interested’ in getting to know me. One wahine I’ll be catching up with at the end of this week as she is having a farewell brunch with some mutual friends of ours. I’ve challenged her to a dance-off! Of course the danger of this is that she may and I stress may take this attention to mean more…to be honest part of me is like “whats the harm?” and the other part is “you know what the harm can be!!”. I know I just have to make sure if she is interested that I don’t lead her on or tease her…maybe i’ve done that too much already?

The other lovely lady happens to be from my home country. She is absolutely lovely. Meet her in a lift at my mates apartment block. She is a perfect example of what I am attracted to; Blonde, blue eyes, cute, cuddly (not fat) and a wonderful smile…this is obviously all surface stuff. I invited her to txt me if she wanted to catch up and ‘bond’ (I know, seem to be overusing the ‘ marks a bit in this blog) And she did. Which was cool. We hangout for a long time. Talking, realizing that we had actually had MANY connections from back home. It was crazy! Definitely no coincidence that we met. I actually said that to her too. We shared our reasons for coming here and our own religious beliefs too. I am honestly very attracted to this young lady.

BUT, I’m still on my journey, which I have explained to her. She didn’t say too much about it though and I said it in a way that I am sure didn’t sound like “PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!” Again leaving everything up to God as per usual. He hasn’t led me wrong so far. It’s been 8 months now since A left me. Still miss her and still love her. Have to keep on track.

(Just checked my Criteria for my journey. Number One: I can have open friendships with females. Nothing more than friendship. And I must be absolutely honest with them about this from the beginning. Looks like I’m okay then!)