Posts Tagged ‘kind hearted’

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

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I am bemused by my own (can’t think of a better word) libido. Here I am in another country preparing for a new job. With a million things to get sorted. And still I think of A. It has been over four-months now, which actually doesn’t sound that long. I have had plenty to reflect on and process. I have met many other people, especially here, that have been through similar situations. It’s great to make these connections. NS, a new American friend, shared his story with me. I felt privileged as I always do when people feel comfortable enough to do that.

So, back to my idea of ‘strange temptations’. Had the opportunity to play touch with one of the local rugby clubs. Afterwards we had a lovely BBQ. Here comes the strange temptation. There was a pretty, skinny, English possibly South African lady. Which sounds ‘attractive’. But by her appearance I would have to put her in the category of a (for lack of a better word) skank. Now obviously I am basing this on visual recognition. I didn’t talk to her and I didn’t ask anyone about her. Besides the obvious physical attraction she had two things that I do not find attractive at all. She was a chain smoker and was drinking like a fish. So strange temptation came into play. I couldn’t take my eyes off her even though those two things ‘seriously’ disgust me. I thought about my past relationships. Most of them have been kind-hearted, generous and loving people. And these are all traits that I love.

I tried to understand why.

Still not really sure.

The old me would’ve done anything possible to get her attention or initiate a conversation. The old me has gone. The new me just kept on reminding myself about the journey I am on. About the promises I have made to myself. But the temptation was there. Right now it’s One point to me and Zero to temptation. Four months down. Twenty to go.