Posts Tagged ‘life’

For the first time, in a long time I’ve run out of words. 

I don’t know what else to say without it seeming…forced.

I’ve been avoiding my blog for this very reason. My lack of words prevented me from logging on.

But I know how much this blog has helped me in my journey. Along with everything and everyone else. 

I still have 5 months left on my journey. Time has gone fast, I have to admit.

I have also managed to meet someone too. Nice girl. Nothing serious. But still it’s been nice to have someone to distract me from the odd mundane times. It’s been good to see how far I’ve come too. I haven’t had the opportunity to see how I would interact with someone whom I am potentially interested in. I feel things went well, there were certainly times when it was hard for me to resist the old me. But that’s not surprising.

Life has been good to me. So I just keep the faith in God and the path that I have chosen and created for myself. It’s really not that difficult. Well, not anymore.

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

Don’t worry I’m not sitting in my room covering myself in a blanket of self-pity!

But, as some may know, It gets pretty lonely sometimes. I have plenty of wonderful new friends here and can see them whenever I feel like it. But you know it’s not the same kind of relationship that I’m feeling lonely for.

Waking up next to someone is such a wonderful feeling. Being able to turn over and look into the eyes of someone that loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you is such a great feeling! I miss this like crazy! I think that’s why I have a plethora of pillows in my bed.

It has been almost 7 months since my breakup with A. I have to admit, the last few months have gone rather fast. Those strong emotional feelings are still around, they are just more manageable. Random events set them off too. It’s hard not to think about her. I told BB, a great new friend here that this has got to be the longest time in my life (post High School) that I have been single. As I’ve mentioned before I have openly admitted that I am a serial-monogamist. I guess that’s why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

I spend a lot of my time with married couples here. It is wonderful to see their own relationships and the dynamics that come with being partners and parents. It makes me miss my daughters. I talk to my daughters at least once a week, which is wonderful. Just seeing them and hearing them reminds me of my decision to come here. They deserve to have the best father in the world. I was a good dad, but I need to be better. In my relationship with A, I was not a good role model for my daughters. But I will be. I’d like to think I am 70% of the way there. This makes complete sense to me as apparently “they” say that women are most likely to choose a partner that is just like their father (or mother, depending on your sexuality of guess). So, If I want them to choose someone kind, generous, caring, funny and a wonderful person, I need to sort my life out asap. Which I feel I am doing.

Life dosen’t give us many second chances. So you have to create that second chance. If being lonely is part of that, then so be it. Everyone makes sacrifices to achieve their own goals. Is mine more Nobel than others? Maybe. To be honest, I don’t care what others think. All I know is that I never want to be the person I was again. And I am going to make sure that my beautiful daughters will have at least ONE very, very positive male role model in their life. Regardless of where I am in this world, they will know this.

Lonely Times…Only for a while.