Posts Tagged ‘loss’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it…

I’ve broken one of my criteria!! I have missed out on posting a blog every week by 10mins! I had seriously thought I had put one in on Monday at the beginning of the week…so I’m gutted. I HATE making promises I can’t keep. This is an important part of my own journey. I didn’t want to back down or compromise any of my criteria. SO, how do I make up for it? Well I have decided that I no longer have to blog at least once a week…I now MUST blog at least TWICE a week for the rest of my 21 months or so.

Anyway. I have found out today why I had been feeling all these emotions washing over me again, as strong as they had been less than 2 months ago. A is back in the country. EC mentioned it today while we were playing touch. He wasn’t sure if he should’ve told me. I told him I’d wish he hadn’t. I said it wasn’t his fault about telling me but I really didn’t want to know what was happening in A’s life. I have been trying to focus on my own life and less about her. That gutted feeling came back hard. I asked him how he knew, he said “do you really want to know?”…Nope. EC is a great friend and has been there since this all began.

I really don’t want to see her before I go. I can honestly say that I would be able to be friendly and civil if I did happen to bump into her. But my heart would take a pounding. It’s taking a pounding right now. I’m trying to get the thought of her spending the past 2 months in OZ hanging out with her new man/partner/BF. Jumping from our 4 year relationship to him. I think I know all the reasons why she did it and I believe I can understand them too. But, at the end of the day it still really hurts. Those of you following my blog religiously will probably be thinking that I deserve what has happened. Your most likely right. I do. You know how hard it has been for me too in this situation.

Well, there is not much I can do about things anyway. She knows how much I care for her, well I believe she does. Unless of course she looks at my breakup emails and thinks that everything I said was just crap. While she has had the comfort of another man to pull her through sad times…or maybe more happy times for her, I have had the love and support of my whanau and friends. Which has been amazing. But as most of you in a relationship know the love you have with your partner is very different. This is most likely why I feel so much hurt and pain.

With A being back now, it has made my departure even more important. I don’t want her to know that I am even leaving. I don’t want her to think that me leaving is an attempt to try and make her feel guilty or bad, etc. There is absolutely no worries about her changing my mind if that ever happened, which I doubt. I am FULLY committed to leaving NZ. Finding out that A was back wasn’t the only shock/surprise I got today either. My nephew facetimed me this evening. He wanted to show me their car…my brother and nephew had been in a car accident! They had been driving home along a very, very windy motorway with a huge trailer that my brother had built. The wind had caught their trailer and made it jack-knifed forcing the car into the safety barrier. fortunately they were fine, but the car had some major dents and scratches on it…I said to EC, If something had of happened to my brother and nephew, I wouldn’t know what the heck to do!!..Then later this evening I got a text from a great friend CB. She spoke about ‘sometimes being courageous is changing plans you have already made’…I said she had obviously been speaking to EAC, DC’s wife!

I look back on today and see three ‘messages/signs’ from God. I figure I can interpret them in two ways: 1) God is trying to say – Hey, you have these really important things in your life (yes even A) that are still here in NZ. Why would you leave them? OR 2) Are you truly committed , honest and truthfully committed to changing who you are by changing what you do and where you are?…I am going with both. I can see that when I am overseas I will be far away from A, my whanau and my friends, basically everything that I love in my life right now. But I can also see this as a test. I could easily back out right now. I know this will undo EVERYTHING I have spent the last 3 months working on. I am not perfect and I am definitely not finished healing. If I was I definitely wouldn’t care were the heck A was and I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

I have a gut feeling that I will be leaving at the end of this week. A very strong gut feeling. My gut hasn’t been wrong so far.

All I ask is that those people following keep reading and please feel open enough to comment. It really helps me with my process and validation is a wonderful feeling!!