Posts Tagged ‘Mental Health’

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

Things have been good. Not really, really good. But good. Hence the mis-blog or no-blog last week. Been so busy with my new job and living in a new country it’s been easy to get distracted.

I always think back to my mates words “Don’t let your blog become a chore”. So I haven’t. I’ve thought seriously about what I need to say. This blog has definitely been a huge help in healing my heart. But it’s not over yet. I still have another 18 months to go. Yip, that’s right, for those that have been following me from the beginning it’s now just over 6 months!

I still think about A. Wondering how she is and whether she still thinks about me too. I still think about all the things I have been through over this time too. I have learnt so much about myself and people around me. I am hoping that all this “new” knowledge is going to help me achieve my goals of emotional and financial stability. Praying too.

I can promise you this. I have been keeping to my righteous path and it has been paying dividends. Each time it feels like my faith is tested I give myself a friendly reminder. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than others and I’m definitely not judging others by their actions. I know I can’t change others around me. So I don’t try. As my good friend AS said “You do you and I’ll do me”. Simple statement (and funny) but so true.

I know that my actions and my words can easily influence people around me, without directing any of this towards them. It is in the subtlety of these two things that I can help others. Not much to add really.

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

I have been developing criteria for this person for a while. Obviously. There have been a few changes over time, especially in the past few months. These kind of situations help you reflect on what kind of person is going to make you happy and whom you are going to make happy too. Well it makes sense to me.

A was a wonderful partner. Of course she had some traits that would ‘annoy’ me, but nothing that most partners haven’t experienced. She was pretty, kind, generous, loving and caring. There honestly wasn’t much I didn’t love about her. And I can say that with all honesty, I know I’m not just looking through rose colored glasses either. This far on from our breakup (it’s still tough) but I can reflect and be very honest. I think that’s part of the reason why I do miss her. I know what some of you may be thinking too, “She left you for another guy!” Haven’t forgotten that, it’s actually the hardest thing to forget!

So I’ve been ‘thinking’ what would my NEW criteria be for Mrs Right?

Let’s look at the obvious ones for me. Pretty, Curvaceous….ummmmm, that’s about it really. Physical attraction is an important part to me. I don’t care what anyone says. YES personality is VERY important too, but you can’t actually see someones personality from across the dance floor? Well, not normally anyway.

Personality is different. I like; Intelligent, kind, generous, caring, humorous people. These are actually traits that aren’t too difficult to find. We all know that beauty is skin deep. The most beautiful people in the world can turn to mud if they have a crap personality!

I don’t think I could really give much more criteria…although I have toyed with the idea of attempting to meet a beautiful pediatrician. I figure that they are smart and caring and love children!! Still working on this hypothesis. All I know is that whom ever Mrs RIght is, or where she is she is most likely going to have to find me. I’m playing the “Don’t go looking for her” game. It’s worked really well for me before. Fingers crossed it works again…but not too soon though.

Started my new job today, covered in a blanket of anxiousness. It’s one thing to start a new job, but it’s a different kettle of fish when you are in another country and don’t speak the native language. I honestly thought this new challenge would be enough to keep my mind of A. It was and it wasn’t. The more anxious I became during the day, the more I started to think about her. It was like my brain was trying to ‘blame’ her for this feeling. That it was her fault that I was here and having these anxiety attacks. It makes sense that I see this connection.

It did make me wonder if this anxiousness would ever go away or subside. I truly believe it will. And yes I am well aware that TIME will help this happen.

I think you can attribute that feeling of anxiousness to a sense of ‘fear’. I always seem to get like his when there are unknown elements that I can’t control. It’s in my nature to want to control everything in my life. I constantly did this with A. Not always in a positive way. I myself helped create anxiousness within her during the end of our relationship. Well that’s what I believe anyway. Read back on my blog for more about this.

I hate this feeling so I always try to find a way to get rid of it. I had mentally prepared myself for this challenge. But you never know how you are going to react until you are knee deep in it. I really felt like I was going to drown in this sea of anxiousness today. And I did wonder if I had made the right decision to come and here and leave my ‘safe’ environment. I’ll have a few extra things to pray about tonight.

Anxiousness is definitely connected to my fears. Have to face them head on. I’ve done it before, just have to get up and do it again. Hopefully God’s listening again tonight.

I have always managed to have been really good at doing this in my life…but not always so good at keeping these relationships in a positive position. What I have started to do when meeting new people, which has happened often in the past few weeks is to ‘identify’ very quickly if I want to carry on any kind of relationship with someone. I no longer want to waste too much time giving people 3 changes (which seems to be the generic count now) to NOT annoy me or rub me up the wrong way. Trust me, Patience is a very strong virtue of mine.

I have met some wonderful people her in AD. It seems that these people will become life long friends. They have easily managed to get past the 3 strike system. AS a new friend I have met from America has been a revelation to my well being. We connected very quickly and we both have a similar story. Both of us are running away from our past relationships, trying to make things better and building ourselves into good people. It was a meeting of two minds and two souls..and please don’t get concerned about things AS is a guy! (this comment will make sense to those following my blog) We conversated for a few hours comparing our stories and our journey to AD. His journey has been going on for two more years than I though. And he is just NOW getting better. I have a feeling that my two year contract with myself and God was a good choice.

Building relationships is easy. Taking care of them is the difficult part. I have to learn to not be so stubborn. I have to learn that I am not always right. I have to understand that not everyone will think or feel the way I do…all the time. I have to let them know how much they mean to me, ALL THE TIME. I have to learn to compromise. I have to learn to share my time better. I have to let love grow. I have to let love be the basis to my relationship and let everything else flow. God’s gonna help with the rest I know this for sure.

Just gotta keep my focus on the goal…Nov 2013 is going to catch up soon I know. Gotta keep building those positive relationships. It’s what being part of the human race is all about!

The book I have been reading has been inspirational. It’s funny when you find a book that actually makes a lot of sense. And not in an airy fairy way either. It makes VERY good sense. Always helps when they use REAL world examples.

One recent chapter I read was about fear. It discussed one ladies journey into become the “Queen” of self-help writers.

She talked about her own fears and how ‘pushing’ through them she was able to have a very successful life and help many others around the world.

Fear has been a motivator for me.

Back in 2000 I came up with my own quote (I never googled it back then so it could’ve already been taken). It’s simple; “The motivation to succeed, is the fear of failure”. I guess the has been my mantra since then. I don’t want to leave this world singing my “shoulda-coulda-wouldas”. I want to leave this world saying “Did it-Done it-Won it”. It is this fear that keeps me going. For many other people it’s their own fears that stop them. It’s a very large roadblock for them.

I have blogged here before about obstacles; emotional and physical. With out a strong support system e.g; friends and whanau these obstacles can be difficult to get around. Being a success and a strong male role model for my daughters and others has been a part of my own motivation. This is all a part of the journey too. Identifying my fears, harnessing them and conquering them.

I fear death. Like most people as we get older we start to understand our own mortality and the mortality of the ones we love. heading overseas this has been one of my biggest fears. Not my own death, but the death of my daughters, whanau or friends.

I fear for my daughters not growing up to have happy and wonderful lives. I want them to be able to say to their friends now and in the future that their dad was the most positive, truthful and loving dad in the world. That the sacrifices he made when we were younger have helped make us “good” people.

I am scared of anything that has more legs or eyes than me.

I am scared of heights.

I am scared of closed spaces.

AND I think that would be about it.

I think the first two I am most fearful of as I have very limited control over how these things pan out. Unless I lock my daughters away for the rest of their lives and I become good friends with the Grim Reaper. I guess that’s what fear is really. Not having control over something else. Not being able to predict what’s going to happen. Fearful of the unknown. You know now why some people are constantly looking for ‘the meaning of life’. They get sick of their own mundane lives and just wonder ‘what it all means’.

You have to let go. You have to realize you can’t control everything all the time. You have to embrace your fear and push through. Only through great adversity can great change occur. Thats what I am hoping my own journey will accomplish. I’m letting go now.