Posts Tagged ‘Moving On’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

Well my patience and faith have paid off.

I am officially flying to my new job in the UAE this Sunday. Finally!

The thought of irony has not been mis-spent on me regarding my previous post “Departing”.

It has been almost 4 months now since A and I broke up. For very, very long months for me. Without the support of my whanau, friends and the Mamaku Crew I don’t think I could’ve emotionally lasted this long. Heartbreak can do that to you.

After waiting so long and being prepared to leave 6 weeks ago, I sill feel in a weird purgatory state. The Mamaku Crew have been putting the guilts on me. Trying to get me to stay and work with them at BC. I laugh. I laugh not because I find it funny. I laugh because I feel uncomfortable with the love that they have shown towards me. Friends who I had forgotten about AND friends whom I never knew existed. I have never been comfortable at receiving praise. Which is probably why I find it so easy to dish praise out to others. Go figure.

I have slowly been texting friends about my leaving date. It’s funny how most of them know me so well. No “lets have a leaving party”, that’s just not me. Plus I only look at this job as a temporary departure. Not permanent. That’s how I promote it to my two beautiful young daughters too. CB and I had a wonderful conversation last week about my journey. She wanted to understand, in her mind, how I could leave my daughters. She shared her own experience with her father. It made sense to me then why she felt the way she did. M1 my eldest daughter is turning 16 this year. A very sensitive age for teenagers as we all know. What some people don’t realize is that M1 is very ‘different’ from most pre-adult teens. Her and I have always been strongly connected. Ever since I helped cut her umbilical cord and wrapped her in a cloth gauze. Bringing her out into the thrall of waiting grandparents and friends announcing her name with pride. Hiding the tears I had just spent in the birthing room with her beautiful mother. I swore to myself and God that I would never let anything stop me from being the best father I could be to her. For the majority of her life, I have managed to keep my word. Not all the time, I’m definitely no Saint. But I know that as far as fathers go, I’m not bad.

I didn’t want to share this with CB at the time. I wanted to listen to her reasoning. I wanted to understand her story. My mate AU had a similar story with his father. I think my friends sometimes forget that I have been a father for almost 16 years. And if there is one thing that I know about in this world it’s M1.

My departure is not only important to my own self-development. It is also important for my daughter’s futures. I have always tried to live close to them. To make sure I could be there when they needed me. I have felt in the past few years their mother has done her best to keep me away from their day-to-day lives. I have been more like and ATM than anything else to her. Well that’s how it feels to me. I believe she still holds a lot of resentment towards me. If you’ve read my blogs you can understand why. So I always ‘briefly’ express my disappointment, take a deep breath and send her positive blessing. Seriously. That’s what I do.

Someone who seems to be deeply effected by my departure is EAC. Her and I have formed a very strong connection. It’s like she was meant to be my sister that I wanted mum and dad to have when I was 11 (True story!!). We get each other. We understand each other mentally and spiritually. We both have very strong communication skills. We are both open and honest. We both trust each other. I joked with her one time that we were like Brandon and Brenda from the REAL 90210. She being Brenda of course. Maybe that’s why we have a ‘soul connection’. Maybe. Possibly. When we had to say goodbye on Wednesday she was off to her Yoga class. We had just had a great chat and already acknowledged that saying goodbye is a difficult process for her. I laughed (see 5th paragraph). I (brother/sister) love her. She knows that. God has brought us together on purpose. And it is no coincidence her husband is someone I love (brother love) too. EAC blogged about her friends and family being like a ‘web’. Connected by threads. Something like that. I agreed. And if I agree then ALL my friends and whanau are part of the web too. Connected forever.

I do wonder though if A knows anything about my departure. I really don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to feel that I am doing this to make her feel bad. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for my daughters. And I’m doing this to heal my broken heart. I’m departing from who I was. Who I had become. 2014, the Six Million Dollar Man returns…maybe with a wife?