Posts Tagged ‘pain’

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

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That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

Could’ve easily added more descriptives…but I think these words are perfect for how I am feeling right now. 

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything. As I’ve said previously I didn’t want to make this blog a chore. I wanted it to be something I would enjoy using. Hence the long wait between each post.

I’ve been back home now for over two weeks. Instead of feeling a great sense of “relief” (which I did have for a few days) I’ve been feeling the complete opposite. Sadly, this has developed from the now ‘strained’ relationship between the mother of my daughters and I. Long story short. She thinks I’m rolling in cash in my new job overseas. I do earn good money but not the Millions that she is assuming I earn. We have always tried to keep things amicable between us especially for our daughters. The only time we’ve ever had issues has been with money.

If you’ve read through my blog you’ll know the whole background story with our relationship. 10 years together, the last few were not so good, mostly my bad too, ended our relationship 6 years ago…and now, as my ex would put it, she is making me pay for my transgressions. The money has become an even bigger issue as 3 months ago she decided to resign from her job (good job too) because she was having issues with another female staff member (side note: she left her last job for the same reason…see a pattern here). NOW, don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful mother and loves the girls to pieces…as do I. BUT, now she has decided, because I won’t meet her monetary requirements, that spending time with my daughters will be “restricted”. To set things straight. I already pay her child support (we have had a mutual agreement) and have helped pay for other bills for the girls here and there. With all this I have never been guaranteed access…well, we had said that I would get the girls on the weekends…but what ever plans my ex has takes priority…I have no say in educational decisions or anything else for that matter…All I am expected to do is help pay for everything, without question. This is how it has been for the past 6 years. I accepted this as I wanted to keep my relationship with the girls strong.

This has now obviously changed. My ex knows that I am only home for a short time and won’t be back for over a year. She has decided to block plans for me to meet up with the girls overseas somewhere next year. Apparently now I don’t deserve any kind of credit for being the girls dad.

Look, I’m not saying I’m now or have been the BEST dad in the world. BUT, I know that I have worked damn hard to be a strong. positive role model for my daughters…I feel that my ex is still punishing me for being such an A-Hole when we were together…and I don’t see any end to that soon…

Feeling; Lost, Stuck and Confused has been created by all of this happening. One side of me wants to go ballistic at her, and I’ve felt that building up inside me over the past week or so…BUT the other side of me reminds me of the journey I am on…”remembering the past, working on those past mistakes to build a better future, for not only me but my daughters too”…trying…I just don’t know what to do. I feel like running back to the UAE, but I feel that’s what my ex wants. She has a partner and he is good to my girls, which makes me happy. But I can already see that my ex is trying to replace me…she already made sure that any activity he has organized with the girls takes priority above anything that I may have wanted to do or planned to do…I feel like she is trying to wipe me out of the girl’s life. Maybe.

I just hate all this bullcrap. Sometimes I think I should’ve just stayed with her and been miserable…sometimes I think that would’ve been stupid. I just wish that she could let go of the bitterness she has towards me…but she can’t and I don’t think she ever will…she wants to see me unhappy, she wants to see me in pain, like the pain I put her though near the end of our relationship. Maybe. Probably.

And even though this has all happened. I still love her. She is the mother of my children. She is a wonderful mother. She WAS a wonderful partner. I wasn’t. I know that. I’ve tried to redeem myself for my past with her. Nothing I can say or do will ever erase this past. Lost. Stuck. Confused.

Having children was the best thing that could’ve happened in my life. A fact.

The birth of my eldest daughter, now over 16 years ago, was the catalyst for my entire LIFE since then. She brought me focus. Kids can do that for some people.

My ex (Before A) and I had a terrible and looonnnngggg end to our 10 year relationship. Terrible (read the rest of the blog for that story). Our relationship ended less than 6 years ago. She has never forgiven me for my past transgressions. She has chosen to not forget the pain and anguish I put her through. I have ALWAYS understood this. And accepted it too.

I had hoped, as we got older and she found a new partner, that she would, fingers crossed, somehow forgive me. She has said that she has, but it seems very difficult for me to believe this.

Over the past few years she has, off and on, made things ‘difficult’ for me. Sadly mostly to do with our girls. Controlling every aspect of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful mother. She has done a fantastic job raising our girls. BUT she has forgotten (ironic) that I have helped her even with the limited input she has allowed me.

I often feel like an ATM. As long as I am paying her regular child support and extra cash for other necessities then everything is ‘okay’.

It is hard to find redemption in this situation, when redemption is not possible. It is hard to have to ask for permission to spend time with your daughters (we have no legal agreement, just a mutual one) and have any plans you have made for them squashed if my ex or her family have plans…regardless of you having ‘booked’ them in advance.

I have never spoken badly about my ex to my daughters either. I have always made sure to be completely respectful about my ex when talking to my girls. Even when there are times that my daughters REALLY want to stay with me or spend time with me and my ex decides that ‘something else’ has come up and they can’t do either. I just smile at my beautiful daughters and tell them that I love them and tell them i’ll catch up with them soon. I’m starting to get sick of making excuses.

I love my daughters more than any other female in the world…then my mum of course. I feel hamstrung. But I don’t have any other choice. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. Angry left me years ago.

Some people just don’t forget…

Just had a conversation with my mate back home. He mentioned something that basically told me that A is now living and working in another country. And if you’ve been following my blog you know that the guy she is obviously now with is in that same country.

It actually made me feel, for lack of a better word, sick. All the feelings of betrayal came rushing back. It’s not a nice feeling to have. Again, I don’t blame my mate at all. Something obviously made him want to tell me. He won’t agree, but I’m gonna say God. The faith that I have now only gives me this explanation. Why you may ask? I’d been feeling ‘things’ over the past few weeks since it was A’s graduation and birthday recently. So, there had to be a climax, so to speak to all these feelings. That came today.

I feel it’s just a timely reminder for me and the journey that I am STILL on.

It still hurts me.

It hurts me to think that A has a new life with someone else.

Sharing new experiences. Without me.

That’s just my selfishness coming out of course. And I’ve written more than enough about this in previous posts.

It would be easy to move on to someone else. But it wouldn’t be fair on them or me. Obviously in a country like the one I’m in there are many, many options. There is no denying that. Often people just need to fill their heart up again. A stop-gap for the heartache.

Maybe God knows how much love I do have for A. And he doesn’t want me to forget the pain that I helped create with this situation. I still look at my Ta Moko to help me focus on what kind fo person I want to become. But hearing what’s actually happening hits home even harder. It honestly just reminds me of how much pain and anguish I put A through.

I said to my mate that I wasn’t surprised she moved to a new country. She really had no choice. There would be no way of her not bumping into one of my friends or family back home if she stayed. And when you are the one that “did wrong” you don’t want to be constantly reminded of it. Escaping to a new country, like I have, is really the best option. And it just so happened that her new partner is there too. Very convenient. She’s a smart and intelligent young lady. She would’ve been able to plan this out quiet easily really.

It’s tough when you still love someone so much.

What I’ve learnt over the past few months though is to remain patient. Keep working on being a better person and not forget what has led me to where I am now. Not just geographically but also emotionally. I have had a lot of growth regardless of the feelings that I have inside me now.

I do often wonder how couples can get back together with each other after something like this happens. I’ve had the privilege of talking to many different couples and some have shared this experience with me. They have broken up for a while, sometimes years, but have eventually gotten back together. Very strange. I does make me wonder if I could get back with A if she came looking for me. I’m not sure? Like i’ve said previously I’m still on this two-year journey at the moment. Just trying to work through this new obstacle with my head up and my heart pounding…not as normal as it usually does. Man. It still hurts.

I have tried to keep my word. Truly I have. But I have broken promises. In particular I have broken my promise to blog at least 3 times a week. I have stated before that this was going to be a huge challenge for me. In the past few weeks it has. My new life here in the middle east has taken over. There have been many chores to do and many more people to help.

Of course I feel bad about breaking my promises. But in my heart I know that there has been a reason for not posting. The hearbreak of losing A had been slipping away gradually. Each day I had been feeling better and not thinking about her as much. Which of course was positive and just proved to me that coming here was the best decision I’d made. As I haven’t been posting these feelings came rushing back. I think It had something to do with the fact it was her birthday this week AND it was her graduation. The more I thought about this the more the old feelings came flowing back…it was tough. Well it still is tough right now.

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is very nice. I crashed out on my new couch and had a dream about A. I haven’t had a dream about her since we broke up. It was a very sad yet vivid dream too. I was in my bed at home tossing and turning in my sleep calling out her name. It woke me from my real sleep. My heart hurt. I still miss her very much. I still wonder what she is doing and how she is. But I try not too as it just brings back those heart pains.

God has been very, very good to me during my time here. He has introduced me to some wonderful people and has made me challenge myself on a personal level, forcing me to do things that I wouldn’t usually do (nothing illegal or anything against my morals either). My patience has been severally tested here by various situations and people. I think these heart pains are just him reminding me about what I need to keep doing to receive such good will.

So, I’m going to take my friend’s advice, that’s you AB and go back to blogging once a week. This is not meant to be a chore or something I hate doing. It is meant to help me. Help me become a better person. Help me heal and even help me heal others form their own pain and demons. Almost six months gone even with the broken promises.

A good friend of mine lost her younger brother this week. He died in a car accident. I didn’t ask for the details. I sent her my condolences and love from a far. There are not many words one can say to help make the pain go away when you have lost someone close to you. You just have to let them know you are thinking about them and that you are there to support them if they need your help.

What was scary about this death didn’t become apparent until EAC mentioned something to me. Something that I had mentioned in my blog before I flew overseas. I kept have ‘near’ car accidents before I left, seeing close accidents and some of my friends where almost in accidents too. So I blogged here warning my friends and family to be careful on the roads. I’d forgotten I’d even said that! What she also reminded me was of a dream I had had with a reaccuring date, 26th or 27th of Jan, can’t remember right now and I’m too lazy to check my blog for it! And the word “prophetic”. The date became relevant as my friend almost got hit by a bus on that day and the next day I received my documents back from overseas (to do with my job here). Now of course a family member of my good friend has died in a car accident. God, for what ever reason has given me glimpses into how powerful he can be and how powerful I can be too if I just keep the faith and believe. I can bare witness to this as MANY positive things have been blessed upon me since I have arrived here, praying and listening, praying and listening.

Now obviously this pathway is not for everyone and many of you would be thinking this could just be blind faith. It always seems that way when YOU are the only one that can’t see it.

I look at death in the same way. We all know we can’t live forever, that’s one fact no one can dispute. If you don’t believe in the after-life, well that’s fine too. Death seems so final. I can’t show you any proof whether or not heaven exist or hell for that matter. What I can tell you is that I have faith. People without faith find it easier to turn their noses up at others who do. Yet (from my experience) those very same people often turn to God on their death-bed. I’ve seen it happen with my own family members. Facing your own mortality can do that to you.

My breakup with A felt like a death to me. It truly did. That relationships death was enough for me to seek out God again and start my journey of healing and redemption. We don’t have much time on this earth at all. That’s obvious.I’m choosing not only to live a good life but also to share that good life with family and friends. I want my own death to be a celebration of life if anything, not a mourning of a lost soul. I’m not expecting to leave anytime soon though! I’ve still got a lot of work to do here. Apparently.

Yes. I forgot to write a 2nd blog for the week. Which of course I had promised to do in one of my previous blogs AND which was part of my original criteria. Hence the title “Keeping your word”.

I have been able to do this really well over the past few months BUT keeping my word about blogging has been really difficult. I’m going to blame it on the fact that we have had two long weekends so I think it’s Sunday when really it’s Monday! Anyway. Now I have really made things harder for me as now I have to commit to blogging THREE times a week.

It’s not so much the forgetting either. Some of it has to do with the fact I don’t really have much to write about. When things are progressing and going well…or better than before, I never feel the need to blog. And I never intended for this blog to turn into a chore or something that I didn’t find therapeutic. As soon as things turn into a chore I’ll start switching off. I really hope this forgetting doesn’t continue, cause I don’t think I’ll be able to blog FOUR times a week!!! Ever!

So, Keeping your word. Or more keeping MY word. In most cases I have been able to keep this going. This lines up to my post about integrity. Being honest and truthful all the time. That’s only a small part of it. Read the post if you have forgotten. I have been challenged many times, not just by people around me but also by me personally. I am constantly reminding myself not to basically say something that I never intend to follow through on. If I can’t keep my word then I have to tell the truth and/or shut my mouth. This has actually helped me listen more to others. It’s easy when the people you spend most of your time with are part of your tribe too.

For most parts of mine and A’s relationship I kept my word. Whatever I said to her I meant it. I still think about the words I said to her when I found out what she had done. I meant every word. I keep thinking about whether I regret saying what I said. I find it difficult to say ‘yes’. I think about how I may have changed how I said it too. Again I honestly don’t think I would’ve changed that either. I meant every word. I wanted her to feel and understand how much pain I was feeling. I wanted her to feel that pain. Little did I know (or believe) that she had been feeling more pain than that for a long time.

My word is sometimes all I have. It’s something that we all have. People will judge us by it too. People will get use to you ‘changing’ or ‘backing out’ of things you have said. I have met many people like this. Trust and honesty are hard to come by. People are naturally selfish and always have their own bias. I will always tell people the truth so that they will respect my word. So that they will honor my opinion. So that they will come to me and talk…and listen.

I’ve broken one of my criteria!! I have missed out on posting a blog every week by 10mins! I had seriously thought I had put one in on Monday at the beginning of the week…so I’m gutted. I HATE making promises I can’t keep. This is an important part of my own journey. I didn’t want to back down or compromise any of my criteria. SO, how do I make up for it? Well I have decided that I no longer have to blog at least once a week…I now MUST blog at least TWICE a week for the rest of my 21 months or so.

Anyway. I have found out today why I had been feeling all these emotions washing over me again, as strong as they had been less than 2 months ago. A is back in the country. EC mentioned it today while we were playing touch. He wasn’t sure if he should’ve told me. I told him I’d wish he hadn’t. I said it wasn’t his fault about telling me but I really didn’t want to know what was happening in A’s life. I have been trying to focus on my own life and less about her. That gutted feeling came back hard. I asked him how he knew, he said “do you really want to know?”…Nope. EC is a great friend and has been there since this all began.

I really don’t want to see her before I go. I can honestly say that I would be able to be friendly and civil if I did happen to bump into her. But my heart would take a pounding. It’s taking a pounding right now. I’m trying to get the thought of her spending the past 2 months in OZ hanging out with her new man/partner/BF. Jumping from our 4 year relationship to him. I think I know all the reasons why she did it and I believe I can understand them too. But, at the end of the day it still really hurts. Those of you following my blog religiously will probably be thinking that I deserve what has happened. Your most likely right. I do. You know how hard it has been for me too in this situation.

Well, there is not much I can do about things anyway. She knows how much I care for her, well I believe she does. Unless of course she looks at my breakup emails and thinks that everything I said was just crap. While she has had the comfort of another man to pull her through sad times…or maybe more happy times for her, I have had the love and support of my whanau and friends. Which has been amazing. But as most of you in a relationship know the love you have with your partner is very different. This is most likely why I feel so much hurt and pain.

With A being back now, it has made my departure even more important. I don’t want her to know that I am even leaving. I don’t want her to think that me leaving is an attempt to try and make her feel guilty or bad, etc. There is absolutely no worries about her changing my mind if that ever happened, which I doubt. I am FULLY committed to leaving NZ. Finding out that A was back wasn’t the only shock/surprise I got today either. My nephew facetimed me this evening. He wanted to show me their car…my brother and nephew had been in a car accident! They had been driving home along a very, very windy motorway with a huge trailer that my brother had built. The wind had caught their trailer and made it jack-knifed forcing the car into the safety barrier. fortunately they were fine, but the car had some major dents and scratches on it…I said to EC, If something had of happened to my brother and nephew, I wouldn’t know what the heck to do!!..Then later this evening I got a text from a great friend CB. She spoke about ‘sometimes being courageous is changing plans you have already made’…I said she had obviously been speaking to EAC, DC’s wife!

I look back on today and see three ‘messages/signs’ from God. I figure I can interpret them in two ways: 1) God is trying to say – Hey, you have these really important things in your life (yes even A) that are still here in NZ. Why would you leave them? OR 2) Are you truly committed , honest and truthfully committed to changing who you are by changing what you do and where you are?…I am going with both. I can see that when I am overseas I will be far away from A, my whanau and my friends, basically everything that I love in my life right now. But I can also see this as a test. I could easily back out right now. I know this will undo EVERYTHING I have spent the last 3 months working on. I am not perfect and I am definitely not finished healing. If I was I definitely wouldn’t care were the heck A was and I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

I have a gut feeling that I will be leaving at the end of this week. A very strong gut feeling. My gut hasn’t been wrong so far.

All I ask is that those people following keep reading and please feel open enough to comment. It really helps me with my process and validation is a wonderful feeling!!