Posts Tagged ‘prayer’

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

Well getting close to 3 months on now, things have definitely gotten better for me emotionally.

BUT, for what ever reason those strong feelings of hurt, pain, loss and sadness have returned. I remember talking to someone (can’t remember now) about how in these situations the roller coaster of emotions is cylindrical. This is very true. I’d felt good about where I had progressed to. Then these feelings started creeping back in. That really strong urge of wanting to see her and talk to her, etc, etc, etc. I know I haven’t fully let go of A, and to tell the truth I don’t think I ever well. But it’s about developing the ability to ‘cope’ with these feelings. I am definitely better than I was less than 6 weeks ago, that’s for sure.

Maybe these feelings have returned because I was meant to be in the UAE now? Don’t know. I have decided that God in his infinite wisdom wants me to hangout in NZ for a little while longer. I obviously have some unfinished business here. It would be great if I could get a post stick note giving me a clue to that business! I have thought that maybe it is the conversation that I am yet to have with my father about our ‘relationship’. A few weeks back I was all ready guns blazing to talk to my dad. But now I seem to have gone back to my usual procrastinatic ways (yes I made that word up, I think?). Another part of me has thought that maybe I am meant to contact A and say another goodbye? I have decided against that. As I have said before she has plenty of time and space to decided if she wanted to send me an email or make any other kind of contact too. So I feel like I’m in a state of limbo at the moment. Maybe this is contributing to my emotional state right now? Possibly.

Finding someone else has been on my mind too (yes again!). It didn’t really help. If I found someone to spend time with now, what would that achieve? Yes, It would make me feel better and help me forget about A. Then, when it was time for me to go I’d feel like I just used that person. Not cool, and definitely not part of me becoming a better person. That’s one thing that keeps coming back too. How badly I treated A over the past year or so.

I was fortunate enough to spend New Years with DC, EAC, AB and CB. Four amazing individuals who have helped me immensely through my struggles. My traditional journey to “the wood’ had to change because of my impending departure date. My other whanau the K family were sorely missed during new years!! and so were the long nights with SU. Goodtimes. So back to the alternative new years celebrations. DC, EAC, AB and CB and two of their lovely friends spent the new years evening playing Apples to Apples. What a fun game, but games are always more fun when you are winning! Anyway, DC and EAC have a tradition of sharing their new years thanks, resolutions and requests. Awesome tradition. We all went around the table and shared these with each other. We all have a spiritual/religious background so some had connections to our own faith in God. A theme of thanks was our friends and whanau. Of course. What I focussed on was a beautiful image that CB had created for ‘the boys’. It was a a face of a lion with the word “Courageous” underneath it. CB said this was a word that had come to her and something she wanted to share with us. Beautiful. This was a powerful word. It felt relevant to me. I said it meant “not being afraid or having the ‘fear’ to do something”…well something along those lines. Fear often prevents us from doing things that we know will be beneficial to our health and well-being. We become too comfortable in our lives. We think that we can’t do any better or that the life we have is the life we are meant to have. We are scared to change. Courageous means  a lot more to me now. If I didn’t have courage I would give up on going to the UAE.I’d get another job and carry on being the person that was. Never working out my personal issues of the past and never developing, growing into the person that I am meant to be. I don’t know who that person will be. I do know that that person will be better than the person I am now!

We ended our session just before the midnight toll of Jan 1st 2012 with individual prayers. I thought  CB was doing a group closure. So when it came to me I just said amen…I think the guys thought I was being too shy or funny…I wasn’t. I just thought we’d finished! So, here’s my closure prayer for 2011; “Lord, thank you for all my whanau and friends. Thank you for all their support recently and over the past year. Thank you for giving me the time I had with A and helping understand my failings in that relationship and my relationship with others. Thank you for strengthening my faith in you and myself. Thank you for all the blessing you have given me in 2011, even when I didn’t appreciate them. Thank you for blessing me with the two most beautiful daughters in the world. I am grateful for everything in 2011, good and bad. I really hope that you will continue to bless me and watch over my whanau and friends in 2012…AMEN”.