Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

2YEARSOFHEALING OVER!

Yes. 2 years of healing has officially come to and end. It has been a very, very interesting journey. I have managed to change myself from the manipulating, narcissistic, punk (for lack of a better word!) person I was. To…well just a punk. A nice punk that is.

I thought I’d end my journey by taking this photo of me and my Ta Moko (Māori Traditional Tattoo). For those of you who’ve been following my blog, you know that this has been a huge part of my journey. It has been a wonderful visual reminder for me during the past 24 months. One that, obviously, is going to continue to remind me of this time for the rest of my life. It’s actually really difficult to get a non “Look at me and how awesome my Ta Moko is” selfie! It took a few attempts, so I could get a pic that really looked like me and who have always been AND trying to get as much as my Ta Moko as possible. I like it.

I have a very SURREAL feeling right now.

Back in my home country it’s around 1.30am. Since I started this journey there, I thought I’d run by that time zone!

I’m kind of lost for words now.

Anything I say here will just be a cliché really, wouldn’t it?

I’ve been through some terrible times. Met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I’ve had support thrown at me from multiple angles and multiple countries too. That’s been really heartening!

I’ve thought about turning my blog into a self-help book too. Who knows, I could get rich out of my misery, pain and resolutions?

I hope that I have managed to help some other people out there through their own journeys of healing.

I wish that I’d been able to maintain contact with some of my followers. I wasn’t regular enough, I know, but I tried as much as possible to move on with building my new and “improved” life too. This is something that I am still continuing to work on.

I know I’ll be back here to read my blog once in a while. It’s yet another mechanism to keep me focussed on being a better me!

BIG shout out to all my whanau and friends that have supported me along the way too. Much love to you all. Thanks also to all those anonymous followers who gave up their time to say something to keep me going too. Much, Much love.

Where to now?

Nowhere special really.

I’m just blessed to have God watch over me during this time. Blessed by the strength that he has given me during this journey. Privileged to have been witness to so many changes to me and people around me. Amazed to see how much his faith in me and my faith in him has been able to deliver me here. Two years on.

Do I still love A. Absolutely.

Do I still miss her. Sure do.

Do I wish this had never happened to me. No way.

Do I think I’ve finally learnt my lesson about how women should be treated. YOU KNOW!!!

I’m out. Peace. Ma Salam. Ciao. Sayonara. Ka Kite. Arohanui koutou katoa.

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I can barely believe it myself. 23 months. Surreal.

I’ve read back through my Blog, from the beginning back in 2011, till just last month. 

And now here we are.

It has officially been 2 years since A and I “broke up”. But it’s another month to go before I finish the journey I have been on. This is really just a touch base post.

It’s funny too. Today while cruising through fb, I came across an interesting blog. It talked about finding a good women to marry. Actually the right women to marry. It was no surprise really. Said, what I have always believed in myself. Find a women who is independent and intelligent. A women who has her own money, her own friends, her own life. A women who does not need you and does not need you to takecare of her. But a women that WANTS to takecare of you.

I found it interesting that I “bumped” into this article today. Coincidence. Maybe. It was a very, very timely reminder for me. God send. I’d like to think so.

This is the kind of women I’ve had before. Lost before. 

Counting down, 4 weeks from now.

I’ve been busy with life…and trying to figure out how to write this post too.

I met a lovely young lady. Barely knew her except a few light exchanges while playing sport together. We started messaging each other. Long story short we ended up hanging out with some lite/heavy petting. No serious stuff really. Just some hugging and hand holding…it was proceeded by innuendo laced conversations..always a pre-cursor.

SO, I was concerned  about my path. My 2 year journey. Had I broken my promise to myself?

I had said from the beginning that I could have female relationships, but nothing too “serious”. I think this crossed over that line…just.

A couple of days later I had to explain to her why we never went any further than she had expected. I knew it was pretty heavy info to share with her so early, but I needed to make sure, from my perspective, that I wasn’t leading her on. Even if she didn’t care about that. Just trying to keep the whole honesty and respect idea going.

She was great about it. She asked me what I expected from her. I told her “nothing”. I explained to her that I had not expectations from her and just wanted to see where our friendship/relationship may end up. 

We have discussed how we are at different points in our life’s, she’s much younger than me too…That’s not why I wanted to start anything with her. She just happened to be younger than me. I just think I’m fortunate that younger women are attracted to me!

She knows all about my daughters too, which is something I am proud about. It’s something that I couldn’t tell another female I met…which I still can’t understand myself. It’s just not the first thing I tell potential girlfriends, unless they ask. I’m obviously not ashamed of my beautiful daughters!

So. This lovely young lady I have semi-started a pseudo-relationship with knows pretty much most details about me. I have spared her the long story about A. I don’t feel she needs to know about any of that. Yet. Sometimes I’m just too honest!

What’s even madder is that I am typing this while sitting in a motel in Muscat, Oman. How did I get here? I was picking up said lady from AD airport…she had visa complications…couldn’t leave the airport…I felt bad for her…she was gonna be stuck in the airport for 20 hours until her next flight to her home country. Cue crazy me. I booked a flight to Muscat…Then spent 6 hours hanging out with her at the airport until she flew home…now I’m here.

Here’s the strange thing. Yes, I did it to score brownie points with her. That’s obvious! BUT I was also looking for a crazy distraction from my homesickness that I am still recovering from…created by my holiday with my girls. I miss them immensely. And something like this situation has done that…well shifted my focus slightly. I have to admit, it is one of the BIGGER crazier things I have done.

Which actually leads me back to something else. The reason I started this blog. A. For the past few weeks I have had these strong feelings for her come back. I have no reason why. Except for maybe me being in Aus. Maybe knowing that I’m in the same country got my mind ticking over things and thinking about how she is and what she’s doing? Maybe. Probably. 

What it did show me was the fact that I still have strong feelings for A. What puzzles me is that I have never tried to deny this either. Matters of the heart can be very strong and obviously last for a lifetime. I know I’ll never be over her, but I also know that it’s never gonna hold me back either. That’s all part of the journey. It’s all part of my new life. It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I reminded myself about why I’m on this journey. It’s been a while since I read through my old posts to see how far I come.

It’s almost 3 months to go. I have to admit it’s started to go really fast now. keeping the faith and keeping focussed.

 

Love Bruno Mars. Great songs. This song has been getting a lot of Air/TV Play. Finally spent some time listening to the lyrics. Perfect for my personal situation and the way I’ve been feeling too.

I should’ve, could’ve. would’ve.

Won’t happen again.

I have been thinking about many things recently. 

I have thought about my journey.

I have thought about when it will finish in November.

I have thought about the various chooses I have made so far.

My relationship with God has been good. Prayer and faith has helped me through this time. Everyday without fail I remind myself of this. Again, my Ta Moko is also a constant reminder too. A positive reminder, not a negative at all. I don’t throw my faith in peoples faces. This is something I pride myself on. If people ask about my faith, I’m open and honest about everything. Not too heavy though. I’m always surprised when some people are shocked about my faith. Apparently I don’t come across as someone who would be religious. It makes me smile.

This is important to remember as I discuss my thinking process recently. 

I am constantly correcting myself and checking myself with God. Asking myself if the choice or decision I am making is what, not only I want, but what God would view as a “good decision”.

How do you decide what is a good decision? 

We all have our own moral compass. I’d like to think that mine has been in a constant state of flux over the past few years, but has dramatically improved. I know what’s right and I know what’s wrong. What I have thought about is….what is right for me?

I love the person I have become. The person I am becoming.

I still think about others and how they perceive me. I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I always have. Who dosen’t? I honestly like seeing people happy. And knowing that I was the person that helped them achieve this.

OKAY, heres my point. I have been thinking that maybe me in a serious or longterm relationship is really not for me. I love being loved. Don’t get me wrong. The though of having someone special and permanent in my life is a wonderful thought. BUT there are many positives for me not being in a relationship at all. The biggest positive for me is the “I can do what I want when I want”. I know it sounds selfish, but heres the thing. In my current state I only have to worry about me and my two daughters. I work in a different country not to isolate (more of a self-imposed exile) myself, but to provide financial stability for them AND I. If a serious relationship was started then my decisions would be split. I now know that I don’t NEED to be in a relationship. It would be wonderful, but, for me, it’s not really that necessary. This is something I have been able to figure out over the past few months.

I know that I deserve someone special AND I know that whomever that is, they will be someone who deserves the same. I feel I’m 70% there.

Minds distracted now. So that’s where I am at the moment. Thoughts are a little fragmented, but not bad for my first post in a while. Journey still on and running pretty smoothly…

 

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

Read this on a friends facebook page.  Had to write about it.

Fear can be a huge motivator for some people. Fear of failure has always been something I have had problems with. That’s why this quote is perfect for me. I was and absolute coward. With M and with A. I couldn’t commit fully to A, because I was afraid to love her…truly love her. I know I did open her heart and awaken her love. Her love for me was strong. She would do anything for me. The same can be said for M too. What a coward I was. Emphasis on the was.

I have been working hard to make positive changes. It has been very difficult at times. There are still strong traces of the man I was before. I’m not sure if those issues will ever truly be gone. There are days that I feel urges. Urges to do the “wrong” thing. Urges to take the path well travelled. Urges that feel like some kind of evil abyss. It does make me wonder if those thoughts are the “real” me? Sometimes I feel a constant pressure to be…good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being good and there are many more rewards gained by being good too. I know this from experience. I have to remind myself, I’m in this for the long haul.

I don’t ever want to lose the love of a good women…again. I won’t be a coward again. This I can promise you. 

Still the feelings of loneliness wash over me from time-to-time. And great quotes like this remind me of my journey. Keeping the faith is difficult. But that’s life isn’t it? I know that I was A’s first BIG love. She was my second. I was too afraid to show her this until it was far too late. That will not happen again. I have been doing my best to also strengthen my relationship with M too. She was my first BIG love. As far as I’m concerned you never let that disappear from your heart. You may think you do, but you don’t. Denial never works with love. I’m living proof of this.

Never again will I forsake the love of a good women. I’d like to think she’s looking for me right now…inshallah.

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

 

Could’ve easily added more descriptives…but I think these words are perfect for how I am feeling right now. 

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything. As I’ve said previously I didn’t want to make this blog a chore. I wanted it to be something I would enjoy using. Hence the long wait between each post.

I’ve been back home now for over two weeks. Instead of feeling a great sense of “relief” (which I did have for a few days) I’ve been feeling the complete opposite. Sadly, this has developed from the now ‘strained’ relationship between the mother of my daughters and I. Long story short. She thinks I’m rolling in cash in my new job overseas. I do earn good money but not the Millions that she is assuming I earn. We have always tried to keep things amicable between us especially for our daughters. The only time we’ve ever had issues has been with money.

If you’ve read through my blog you’ll know the whole background story with our relationship. 10 years together, the last few were not so good, mostly my bad too, ended our relationship 6 years ago…and now, as my ex would put it, she is making me pay for my transgressions. The money has become an even bigger issue as 3 months ago she decided to resign from her job (good job too) because she was having issues with another female staff member (side note: she left her last job for the same reason…see a pattern here). NOW, don’t get me wrong, she is a wonderful mother and loves the girls to pieces…as do I. BUT, now she has decided, because I won’t meet her monetary requirements, that spending time with my daughters will be “restricted”. To set things straight. I already pay her child support (we have had a mutual agreement) and have helped pay for other bills for the girls here and there. With all this I have never been guaranteed access…well, we had said that I would get the girls on the weekends…but what ever plans my ex has takes priority…I have no say in educational decisions or anything else for that matter…All I am expected to do is help pay for everything, without question. This is how it has been for the past 6 years. I accepted this as I wanted to keep my relationship with the girls strong.

This has now obviously changed. My ex knows that I am only home for a short time and won’t be back for over a year. She has decided to block plans for me to meet up with the girls overseas somewhere next year. Apparently now I don’t deserve any kind of credit for being the girls dad.

Look, I’m not saying I’m now or have been the BEST dad in the world. BUT, I know that I have worked damn hard to be a strong. positive role model for my daughters…I feel that my ex is still punishing me for being such an A-Hole when we were together…and I don’t see any end to that soon…

Feeling; Lost, Stuck and Confused has been created by all of this happening. One side of me wants to go ballistic at her, and I’ve felt that building up inside me over the past week or so…BUT the other side of me reminds me of the journey I am on…”remembering the past, working on those past mistakes to build a better future, for not only me but my daughters too”…trying…I just don’t know what to do. I feel like running back to the UAE, but I feel that’s what my ex wants. She has a partner and he is good to my girls, which makes me happy. But I can already see that my ex is trying to replace me…she already made sure that any activity he has organized with the girls takes priority above anything that I may have wanted to do or planned to do…I feel like she is trying to wipe me out of the girl’s life. Maybe.

I just hate all this bullcrap. Sometimes I think I should’ve just stayed with her and been miserable…sometimes I think that would’ve been stupid. I just wish that she could let go of the bitterness she has towards me…but she can’t and I don’t think she ever will…she wants to see me unhappy, she wants to see me in pain, like the pain I put her though near the end of our relationship. Maybe. Probably.

And even though this has all happened. I still love her. She is the mother of my children. She is a wonderful mother. She WAS a wonderful partner. I wasn’t. I know that. I’ve tried to redeem myself for my past with her. Nothing I can say or do will ever erase this past. Lost. Stuck. Confused.

Forgetting.

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

This word sums up my general feeling over the last few weeks. Being so far away from my family near xmas I have started forgetting more and more about A, and my only focus has been getting home…I miss my daughters, I miss my family, I miss my friends.

I’ve had  a few hiccups recently too. Not major ones, but still hiccups. I met a lovely young lady. She is very attractive. We were playing in the same touch rugby team. She is the first female here whom I’ve been really attracted too. I’ve met others and they’ve been nice. But this lady is a little nicer…AND of course she is already taken. That ended that story quickly.

I saw her again this weekend. Let me tell you this, I LOVE women that are passionate about sport, which she is. This on top of her already being pretty made me just say, “This Sucks!”..we both did some very friendly flirting…that’s the slip I was talking about. I had to remind myself of my OLD patterns coming back. I’d forgotten. Fortunately i got myself out of there. Though I have to admit It was difficult.

I have found more kindred spirits over the past few months too. People with similar beliefs, which has helped my own resolve and reminded me of how important faith and God are in my life.

I have had various challenges thrown at me too, besides the one above…financial, emotional…two of the main reasons why I came her in the first place.

It’s official over a year now since A and I broke up. I definitely haven’t forgotten that! Still got another 12months to go though…not really such a big deal anymore…getting use to this single life…getting use to being by myself…just gotta stop forgetting…