Posts Tagged ‘Self-Help’

That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

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It’s been a long time since I’ve posted…Been busy enjoying being home and spending time with my beautiful daughters.

Being home has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last 5 months. I was concerned that all my old emotions would come rushing back, being surrounded by old memories. They didn’t hit me at first. In the past few weeks they have been hammering me again. EVERYTHING that reminded me of my past feelings for A have been doing the same things again…The biggest difference is, I can Handle it. Time does help heal old wounds, very cliché, but very true. BUT time, I think, only helps heal when you use that time positively. I really believe this is exactly what I have done.

I have made sure to surround myself with positive people. I have made sure to CONSTANTLY remind myself of my past decisions and actions. I have definitely wavered in some resolutions, but not to any tragic degree…and not before seriously thinking about the repercussions and consequences.

I must admit I didn’t think I’d still be thinking about A as much as I have been. I did think I would’ve moved on ’emotionally’ by now. I haven’t. Been trying to figure out why. Back home here as amplified these thoughts to. Just reminds me that I made the BEST decision to head to the UAE.

I KNOW that finding someone else would help me ‘feel’ better. There have been times I have been tempted to do this. But I remember my promise to myself. It is difficult being alone. Very difficult. BUT there are so many positive things happening for me now…becoming static or worse heading in reverse would make these past few months redundant.

BB and my bro EC reminded me to get blogging again. I thanked them for the push too. Just got into that comfortable place where I didn’t feel like adding anything as there wasn’t anything, I thought, was ‘dramatic’ enough…but I guess a blog doesn’t always have to be that way does it?

I’ve been following others blog’s too. They help me with my journey too. One in particular I find very interesting. This particular blogger has been great in expressing their feelings, truthful and honest. They make mistakes which they share with everyone…this helps me with my own emotional reflections. Watching others work through their own issues, similar to yours, helps in so many ways.

Past, present, future, 3 things that are my guiding principles right now. My Ta Moko’s remind me of these too.

Yip. It’s been that long now. I have to admit, it does feel a lot longer.

I reflect back on these past few months, in fact I have been doing that a lot recently. I wasn’t sure why, but to be honest I think it’s because I know it’s A’s birthday this month. In fact it’s in a few days. Maybe that’s why?

Anyway, I have thought about A more. She made a huge impact on my life. She obviously didn’t realise how much she really did mean to me. Heck neither did I at the time! When I make connections with others in a positive way it doesn’t matter where I go in the world I always remember these connections. I have always found these difficult to break. I have discovered that others haven’t.

I have made many friends over my lifetime, I find this easy to do. But I have noticed that some of these friends I make lose that ‘friendship’ connection once you are out of their immediate life. Out-of-sight Out-of-mind. And when you try to reconnect with them later on, things never seem to be the same. It’s almost as if they have forgotten why you where friends in the first place. Fortunately this hasn’t happened too many times in my life, but when it does happen it actually hurts a little. A feels like a slap in the face, a light slap. I’ve developed a resilience to this overtime. I’m a loyal and kind-hearted person so things like this hit me more so than others. I value EVERY friendship I create. People are the most valuable asset you can have in your life, besides your family of course.

To combat this I make sure to still be honest and open when I make a ‘new’ friend, but instead of investing in just one particular person, I make sure to diversify and invest in many friends. Making sure that each connection is positive and strong. That way if any of these people end up not being so ‘cool’ It won’t be such a big deal not having them in my life. I think you can see the connection between this and my relationship with A now. It’s all about how much you invest in a relationship. And what you are willing to sacrifice to help the relationship grow and grow.

Through this blog and the past few months I have learnt a lot about myself and the world around me. I have met some wonderful people and been to some amazing places. I admit that I would’ve never been able to do this if A had not of left me. It’s funny when I type those words “left me”, because to be honest, she will never truly leave me. I gave her my heart, well at least part of it, M has the rest and my daughters have everything else that helps complete my heart. Only 19 months to go.

I have always managed to have been really good at doing this in my life…but not always so good at keeping these relationships in a positive position. What I have started to do when meeting new people, which has happened often in the past few weeks is to ‘identify’ very quickly if I want to carry on any kind of relationship with someone. I no longer want to waste too much time giving people 3 changes (which seems to be the generic count now) to NOT annoy me or rub me up the wrong way. Trust me, Patience is a very strong virtue of mine.

I have met some wonderful people her in AD. It seems that these people will become life long friends. They have easily managed to get past the 3 strike system. AS a new friend I have met from America has been a revelation to my well being. We connected very quickly and we both have a similar story. Both of us are running away from our past relationships, trying to make things better and building ourselves into good people. It was a meeting of two minds and two souls..and please don’t get concerned about things AS is a guy! (this comment will make sense to those following my blog) We conversated for a few hours comparing our stories and our journey to AD. His journey has been going on for two more years than I though. And he is just NOW getting better. I have a feeling that my two year contract with myself and God was a good choice.

Building relationships is easy. Taking care of them is the difficult part. I have to learn to not be so stubborn. I have to learn that I am not always right. I have to understand that not everyone will think or feel the way I do…all the time. I have to let them know how much they mean to me, ALL THE TIME. I have to learn to compromise. I have to learn to share my time better. I have to let love grow. I have to let love be the basis to my relationship and let everything else flow. God’s gonna help with the rest I know this for sure.

Just gotta keep my focus on the goal…Nov 2013 is going to catch up soon I know. Gotta keep building those positive relationships. It’s what being part of the human race is all about!

So I typed up a seemingly short blog just 1 minute  ago. Pressed publish TWICE and nothing happened. So here I am on Arrival part2. Let’s see how much I can remember!

I sit here looking out of my hotel window in Abu Dahbi, 8 floors above the sandy metropolis. And I wonder to myself “How the heck did I get here?” Not only was it the breakup of A and I but it was also the motivation I had to move on and make positive changes in my life. All part of the master plan to heal myself and hopefully become a better version of myself. D 2.0.

I have been skyping and face timing my daughters almost everyday. Getting use to the 9 hours time difference we have separating us. It has been great. I know I would’ve found things much harder without this face to face communication. They are a constant reminder to me about what I need to do while I am here. I need to make sure that I achieve my goal of building a positive future for myself so that my daughters can have an even more positive future. I know that being here and make certain sacrifices will help me achieve this. And the longer I have been here the easier I have been able to see this.

My arrival here has been a long time coming. All those following my blog know that. I realize that my journey to self-healing has just begun too.

What is funny for those of you who know A is that one of the first people I met here is from the UK, Blonde and LOVES animals. This of course makes sense as this describes A perfectly. I laughter with CM (that’s her initials) about this as we had a deep and meaningful conversation about this. I know, already pouring my heart out. It felt good to let her see my honesty and integrity. I feel she could see that I wasn’t trying to look for sympathy, she did actually ask why I came here and when I was vague about it she asked why again. I had nothing to hide. Open book and all. I’m sure over the next few months she will feel comfortable enough to share her story too.

Things right now are pleasant and I don’t have as many heart pains as I have had previously. I still think about A a lot. Maybe 50% of my day. Which I promise you is a dramatic fall! I still love her and miss her and I probably always will. I’m just working on increasing the size of my heart so I can fit someone else in. My hearts pretty big already though, but does get a little bruised sitting on my sleeve all day. God’s helping though. I would’ve had made it this far without him!