Posts Tagged ‘temptation’

That would have to be one of the shortest ‘relationships’ I’ve been in since High School.

Relationship would be giving it too much credit. It was like a “hey, how are you-good-wanna hook up-I can’t-beeeeeeppppp”

Well, kinda like that anyway.

We hangout one night, had fun, both of us really enjoyed it.

later in the week had a long textual conversation with her…laced with innuendo…then went over and delivered some lunch to her. My choice too. Not a huge investment I thought. We had a nice chat and that was that.

A few days later I sent her a message and it was like I was a long-lost cousin…barely gave me the time of day…AND life goes on…

One mate suggested “maybe she wanted you to woo her”. Possibly.

A part of me thinks that maybe she just wanted me to “tap and gap”. Maybe.

Assumption is a killer. I’ve left the ball in her cour regardless. If she decides to kick it my way, then cool.

I’m not gonna lie, I was looking forward to developing this relationship further. But as always my faith in the big man keeps me focussed. If nothing happens then nothing happens. As long as I know that I’ve done the best that I could do. Uphold the believes that I have re-built over the past few months. Keep to my timetable of 2 years, which ends in November. AND treat women how they should be treated. With respect and honesty. I feel that’s exactly what I’ve achieved. Especially in this situation too.

And, life goes on…

 

For the first time, in a long time I’ve run out of words. 

I don’t know what else to say without it seeming…forced.

I’ve been avoiding my blog for this very reason. My lack of words prevented me from logging on.

But I know how much this blog has helped me in my journey. Along with everything and everyone else. 

I still have 5 months left on my journey. Time has gone fast, I have to admit.

I have also managed to meet someone too. Nice girl. Nothing serious. But still it’s been nice to have someone to distract me from the odd mundane times. It’s been good to see how far I’ve come too. I haven’t had the opportunity to see how I would interact with someone whom I am potentially interested in. I feel things went well, there were certainly times when it was hard for me to resist the old me. But that’s not surprising.

Life has been good to me. So I just keep the faith in God and the path that I have chosen and created for myself. It’s really not that difficult. Well, not anymore.

I’ve been out a few times with my mates here. Some are non-drinkers and some are drinkers. I’m a non-drinker but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as everyone is having a good time and not getting into too much trouble!!

Obviously there are many beautiful women here. It’s kinda a strange feeling. I don’t want to not attract women but I don’t want to set myself out on some unapproachable man-island either. 

We were at a restaurant. There were a group of ladies sitting across from us. In this country it can be difficult to see western women, especially showing any skin. This one particular lady was attractive. She was a buxom lass but had a very pretty face. I like buxom. Well, not too buxom. Anway, the temptation was hard to resist. As in “flirt or not to flirt”. I didn’t but it was still very, very tempting.

I continued my evening with my mates. We went to a few places with some scantly clad ladies. One of my mates tried to hook me up with a prostitute…very awkward… fortunately for me there was a huge language barrier. 

Temptation can be difficult to handle. When you have the right motivation though it’s so much easier. I have constant reminders of what I am trying to do. Things that I couldn’t do when I was with A. It still makes me sad to think about that. Just because my ‘coupleness” is on hold, it dosen’t mean I can’t still have a good time with my mates. Good times.

Don’t get tempted my temptation really. Just say no…or run away and hide if you can’t!!

I have been tempted. I’ve mentioned that before. It seems to get harder to NOT be my old self. I can’t resist the fun ‘banter’ and ‘word play‘ with female acquaintances. I am naturally a flirt. Others would call it charming. Either way I just couldn’t help myself last night. Having a conversation with a new female friend and I purposely made her jealous by pretending that I had another female friend hangout with me. I know, just ridiculous. I couldn’t help myself. It was like staring at an accident. I could see it coming and just couldn’t look away. The more I try to stop the more I continued.

At the end of it all I felt stupid. And questioned myself. It’s obvious that I do suffer from narcissistic behavior. I enjoyed the feeling of manipulating someone else’s feelings. Scary I know. It was definitely a power trip. It still comes easy to me. I still haven’t changed as much as I had hoped. I felt terrible too. Fortunately nothing else happened and I didn’t make things worse between us. I kept my friendship positive in the end. Thank God.

I was always afraid of this happening. That as I started to think about A less and less my old behaviors would start to sneak back in. And they have. It’s going to take a little while longer I think. In fact I’m almost positive it’s going to take a little longer. It’s hard when I don’t want to lock myself away from the rest of the world, in particular girls. Which can be really easy in a place like this. Hard times. But that’s what a broken heart can do.

I am bemused by my own (can’t think of a better word) libido. Here I am in another country preparing for a new job. With a million things to get sorted. And still I think of A. It has been over four-months now, which actually doesn’t sound that long. I have had plenty to reflect on and process. I have met many other people, especially here, that have been through similar situations. It’s great to make these connections. NS, a new American friend, shared his story with me. I felt privileged as I always do when people feel comfortable enough to do that.

So, back to my idea of ‘strange temptations’. Had the opportunity to play touch with one of the local rugby clubs. Afterwards we had a lovely BBQ. Here comes the strange temptation. There was a pretty, skinny, English possibly South African lady. Which sounds ‘attractive’. But by her appearance I would have to put her in the category of a (for lack of a better word) skank. Now obviously I am basing this on visual recognition. I didn’t talk to her and I didn’t ask anyone about her. Besides the obvious physical attraction she had two things that I do not find attractive at all. She was a chain smoker and was drinking like a fish. So strange temptation came into play. I couldn’t take my eyes off her even though those two things ‘seriously’ disgust me. I thought about my past relationships. Most of them have been kind-hearted, generous and loving people. And these are all traits that I love.

I tried to understand why.

Still not really sure.

The old me would’ve done anything possible to get her attention or initiate a conversation. The old me has gone. The new me just kept on reminding myself about the journey I am on. About the promises I have made to myself. But the temptation was there. Right now it’s One point to me and Zero to temptation. Four months down. Twenty to go.

When I first started this blog I did think to myself that it was going to be difficult to blog all the time. I was right. If you have read my blogs from the beginning, you can easily see how ‘wordy’ the first few were and then the rest reduced in length. And then the inevitable happened – I ended up repeating an earlier post. Not word for word but almost!

So, each week I try to reflect on things that I have been doing and think about how I can use them in my blog. This weeks focus is on these two things: Change & Temptation.

For what ever reason this week has felt like week 2-3 after A and I broke up. I have had the heart pains again, strong urges to contact A, days where I feel like staying in bed and doing nothing…just a lot of sad emotions flooding back from everything that had happened. It was like I hadn’t even moved on after 2 months of healing. I had a chat with EC and she helped me make sense of these feelings. She reminded me of the huge changes that I had been going through and am still going through right now. Resigning from work, heading overseas to a new job, leaving my daughters/whanau/friends, selling my car and other gears too. A major change for most people really. And as my departure approaches my emotions are backflipping all over the place. Part of me knows this is the best decision for me; emotionally and financially. Yet part of me just doesn’t want to let go of the…safeness. familiarity, comfort of where I am now. I think that is another reason why I am still struggling with A leaving me. She created these feelings for me, along with the rest of my family and friends. I think this is something she never really knew I felt when we were together. A simple analogy for this would be like a puzzle that’s missing the last piece to complete it. A was part of my puzzle but I lost her so my puzzle can’t be finished/completed. Well not until I can find a new piece.

I guess that’s what single people do though. Try to find pieces to finish their own puzzles with. That makes sense to me. That’s why some people find change so difficult. If you have been using the same puzzle for so long why should you have to change it? Or find a new piece for it when all the pieces you have are perfect? Well for me, right now, it’s not about finding a new piece really. For me it’s about making sure that the pieces I have are fitting right and they are all comfortable where they are. If along my journey I manage to find a piece I feel might ‘fit’ then awesome, but I am definitely not actively seeking! Maybe that’s why I have been feeling strange too. My job and car had been a part of my puzzle so getting rid of them creates more missing pieces? Possibly. The funny thing about those is that they are materialistic things that can ALWAYS be replaced. I have to remind myself of that fact. Family can not be replaced. Some friends can. And of course partners can be too. Some people find the latter easy to do, as in move on and think nothing of their ex. I am not one of them. Every relationship I have had in my life I can remember all of their names. I can remember specific things that made them attractive to me. And of course I remember all the things that I hated about them. And yet still I kept looking for the same type of puzzles.

What about temptation how has that been working this past week? As mentioned earlier, I have had those strong urges to get in contact with A. And wondering if she even knows that I’m going overseas? Luckily I have been able to handle these urges. I have also been tempted to just go out and find someone to make me feel good. I’m leaving soon so there wouldn’t be any strong connection. Well that’s what my old self would try and convince me to do. I have fought this temptation and won. Still feeling the loneliness though. That’s one of the tough parts in trying not to give into temptation…and trying to deliver me from evil! Indecision has been a monster I have been plagued with all my life so many times in the past week/s it has made me think about these massive changes going on in my life. And whether or not they are the right decisions too. Hence the temptation to just go back to status quo! Too many times people take the easy way out. Too many times I have taken the easy way and have given into temptation and NOT changed my ways. I’m living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks, even when the old dog knows the tricks already!

As my final few days count down and I think more and more about the MASSIVE challenge/s I have coming up, the more and more I feel the fear…the fear of giving up, the fear of not changing and giving into temptation, the fear I might not succeed in what I am trying to do. Make myself a better person. Make myself a better son/brother. Make myself a better partner.