Posts Tagged ‘Whānau’

I’ve been watching the series House. Stopped watching it a few years back. The premise had become predictable and boring. Not sure why I decided to start watching it again??

Just finished watching the first episode of season six, entitled “Broken”. Inspired me to blog. Basic premise (for those who haven’t seen it), House has been self-institutionalized, he is detoxing from using vicodin. Goes through all the different phases of detox; denial, anger, acceptance…. 

During the episode I saw parts of my own journey reflected. 

I would liken his addiction to vicodin to my own addiction to “being loved” or “in love”. When I don’t have it I can’t operate normally. I have to have it. Well, that’s changed now. So, it was a good reminder. His tossing and turning, isolating himself away from friends and family, purposely…sound familiar? 

I’ve been through that phase.

His constant confusion, questioning every thought.

I’ve been there too.

There were many self-realisation that I came up with while watching. I’ve said this before. I have always been a “I wanna fix you” kind of person. I focus on helping others. I do everything I can to help others. But strangely forget about the people closest too me. Sure there is something in that. When I can’t fix them I take it personally. It hits me hard. It’s like solving a riddle or completing a puzzle. That satisfaction that you have accomplished something literally on your own. It’s a wonderful feeling. Subconsciously, I think this a reason why I seem to attract women who are vulnerable. I want to fix them. I guess, maybe, it’s the reverse of women who are attracted to “bad guys”, seeing it as a challenge, trying to change them or fix them.

What this did was make me forget or lose focus on fixing ME.

The worst thing was, is that I knew what issues I had. I just chose not to fix it. Well, just put a band-aid over it and ignored it. This is something that has flowed over to my entire life. Whenever there has been a personal issue or financial issue, I have chosen, most of the time, to procrastinate or ignore the problem until it gets out-of-hand or worse. Still slowly trying to get this in check too…even right now.

I paused for a second during the episode, as it all slowly dawned on me how many connections this made to me. I wondered if god wanted me to pay more attention. As soon as I had that thought, I knew that’s exactly what he wanted. Done. It showed House trying to fix the other ‘mental’ patients, in various ways. It showed other people trying to get help from him too. If I didn’t need a sign already that this episode was “God” given, the head doctor of the mental institute got House to come and diagnose his father. He knew that his father was dying, he just didn’t want to admit it. He needed House to be the one to tell him. I have been a witness and voice for many friends before. What made this so significant and a God moment to me was this. His dying dads name was my name. The same exact spelling too. 

So I blogged.

It made me think about my journey. It made me wonder why I have been blogging so much over the past few weeks. I know I’ve had big breaks recently in my blogging too. So having blog 3 times over the past couple of weeks is breaking current trends…not exactly sure why…has to be a reason…

Regardless, it has made me realise, well emphasise that what I am doing is the right thing to do. For me it is the best thing to do. I’ve been struggling recently. The mixture of loneliness and just having that physical contact with the opposite sex…remember it’s a drug… 

Have to thank the big man for waking me up again. Faith is what has gotten me through this. Faith and great whanau and friends. Very blessed indeed. Time to go fix something or someone.

Spent sometime today emailing whanau and friends. In particular those people who were there for me in my time of need. Nothing too long winded which is strange for me…just a simple hey, hope your well, thanks for your support.

Keeping connected.

It’s something that I have been working on. Making sure that those people I love and respect are actually reminded exactly how I feel for them. Too often I forget about taking care of these relationships. I know that I’ve been better at keeping connected now.

Hardwork? Of course it is. An important lesson everyone learns (well should’ve by now) is that something that takes a lot of work is most definitely worth it!!And the people that have helped me are more than worth it.

All I have ever wanted from people is their love and respect. And that’s exactly what I give in return. I have learnt to disconnect from those who can’t reciprocate. It’s amazing how many of these people are around too. I’ve gotten better at spotting them earlier now.

I let my connection with A drift, I stopped working on it and let it get away. That’s obvious. I’m a little wiser now. Having an interesting time practicing my connection techniques over here. Working well so far.

So, just keep connected with you family and friends too. You’ll thank me for it.

Feel a sense of floating at the moment. Still waiting to her about my departure from NZ to the UAE. Been waiting now for almost 6 weeks. Patience and Faith has definitely been tested.

Strangely though I have felt a sensation of ‘movement’. Working with the Mamaku Crew and traveling here to TAG has helped with this sensation too. I have only been working at BC for a few days and already feel at home.

That’s what I mean by departing. I have departed from my old live in Htown (Except for my daughters, I can never lose that connection) and transitioned into a new life. Which again I will depart from, if only temporarily to move into another life overseas.

The thing about departing it will never be permanent. Only if you want it to be permanent. I know that somewhere in the future A and I will no doubt bump into each other. I constantly wonder how I would react If I did see her. Anyway, I truly believe that our BU is not a full departure from what we had. I think we will have some kind of relationship, but I couldn’t tell you what it is going to look like though. And I’m not expecting this to happy in the near future either.

I went walking on the beach this afternoon. A wonderful feeling. Straight after work and off to the beach. How many jobs and locations allow you to do that? Walked into the water and allowed the waves to smash against my legs. As each wave departed I thought about my own departure. Each wave represented my own feelings. One would hit me hard like the BU of my and A. Another would just tickle my feet, teasing me, like my trip overseas has been doing for the past few months!. Other waves were smooth and soothing. These waves were my friends and family showing their concern and support.

As I had all this running through my mind I had an epiphany. I decided that departing is not a bad thing. I am trying to depart from my old negative behaviors right now. What’s wrong with that? Nothing in my books. My daughters have so much love and support from M’s whanau and mine in Htown. I had always thought I needed to stay in htown. Settle down their and buy a house. I now think differently. For various reasons my daughters don’t have to have me right their all the time. I can still live close but not necessarily in the same town. I’ve decided that when I return from the UAE I’m going to look at moving closer to the Mamaku crew and of course to the beach. I can still be a strong father figure to my daughters and provide them with a beautiful place to stay right near the beach too. Well that’s what my epiphany was.

I’m gonna have a great talk to my daughters about it soon and see what they think. Right now there the only girls in my life that matter…besides my mum of course…she’s the best mum in the world. Well my world anyway. When she departs I’m not sure what my world will look like.

Well getting close to 3 months on now, things have definitely gotten better for me emotionally.

BUT, for what ever reason those strong feelings of hurt, pain, loss and sadness have returned. I remember talking to someone (can’t remember now) about how in these situations the roller coaster of emotions is cylindrical. This is very true. I’d felt good about where I had progressed to. Then these feelings started creeping back in. That really strong urge of wanting to see her and talk to her, etc, etc, etc. I know I haven’t fully let go of A, and to tell the truth I don’t think I ever well. But it’s about developing the ability to ‘cope’ with these feelings. I am definitely better than I was less than 6 weeks ago, that’s for sure.

Maybe these feelings have returned because I was meant to be in the UAE now? Don’t know. I have decided that God in his infinite wisdom wants me to hangout in NZ for a little while longer. I obviously have some unfinished business here. It would be great if I could get a post stick note giving me a clue to that business! I have thought that maybe it is the conversation that I am yet to have with my father about our ‘relationship’. A few weeks back I was all ready guns blazing to talk to my dad. But now I seem to have gone back to my usual procrastinatic ways (yes I made that word up, I think?). Another part of me has thought that maybe I am meant to contact A and say another goodbye? I have decided against that. As I have said before she has plenty of time and space to decided if she wanted to send me an email or make any other kind of contact too. So I feel like I’m in a state of limbo at the moment. Maybe this is contributing to my emotional state right now? Possibly.

Finding someone else has been on my mind too (yes again!). It didn’t really help. If I found someone to spend time with now, what would that achieve? Yes, It would make me feel better and help me forget about A. Then, when it was time for me to go I’d feel like I just used that person. Not cool, and definitely not part of me becoming a better person. That’s one thing that keeps coming back too. How badly I treated A over the past year or so.

I was fortunate enough to spend New Years with DC, EAC, AB and CB. Four amazing individuals who have helped me immensely through my struggles. My traditional journey to “the wood’ had to change because of my impending departure date. My other whanau the K family were sorely missed during new years!! and so were the long nights with SU. Goodtimes. So back to the alternative new years celebrations. DC, EAC, AB and CB and two of their lovely friends spent the new years evening playing Apples to Apples. What a fun game, but games are always more fun when you are winning! Anyway, DC and EAC have a tradition of sharing their new years thanks, resolutions and requests. Awesome tradition. We all went around the table and shared these with each other. We all have a spiritual/religious background so some had connections to our own faith in God. A theme of thanks was our friends and whanau. Of course. What I focussed on was a beautiful image that CB had created for ‘the boys’. It was a a face of a lion with the word “Courageous” underneath it. CB said this was a word that had come to her and something she wanted to share with us. Beautiful. This was a powerful word. It felt relevant to me. I said it meant “not being afraid or having the ‘fear’ to do something”…well something along those lines. Fear often prevents us from doing things that we know will be beneficial to our health and well-being. We become too comfortable in our lives. We think that we can’t do any better or that the life we have is the life we are meant to have. We are scared to change. Courageous means  a lot more to me now. If I didn’t have courage I would give up on going to the UAE.I’d get another job and carry on being the person that was. Never working out my personal issues of the past and never developing, growing into the person that I am meant to be. I don’t know who that person will be. I do know that that person will be better than the person I am now!

We ended our session just before the midnight toll of Jan 1st 2012 with individual prayers. I thought  CB was doing a group closure. So when it came to me I just said amen…I think the guys thought I was being too shy or funny…I wasn’t. I just thought we’d finished! So, here’s my closure prayer for 2011; “Lord, thank you for all my whanau and friends. Thank you for all their support recently and over the past year. Thank you for giving me the time I had with A and helping understand my failings in that relationship and my relationship with others. Thank you for strengthening my faith in you and myself. Thank you for all the blessing you have given me in 2011, even when I didn’t appreciate them. Thank you for blessing me with the two most beautiful daughters in the world. I am grateful for everything in 2011, good and bad. I really hope that you will continue to bless me and watch over my whanau and friends in 2012…AMEN”.